生命不能承受之轻-第50节
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Tomas asked her to squeeze the leg because he was having trouble sticking the needle in。 She did as she was told; but did not move her face from his head。 She kept talking gently to Karenin; and he thought only of her。 He was not afraid。 He licked her face two more times。 And Tereza kept whispering; Don't be scared; don't be scared; you won't feel any pain there; you'll dream of squirrels and rabbits; you'll have cows there; and Mefisto will be there; don't be scared 。。。
Tomas jabbed the needle into the vein and pushed the plunger。 Karenin's leg jerked; his breath quickened for a few seconds; then stopped。 Tereza remained on the floor by the couch and buried her face in his head。
Then they both had to go back to work and leave the dog laid out on the couch; on the white sheet with tiny violets。
They came back towards evening。 Tomas went into the garden。 He found the lines of the rectangle that Tereza had drawn with her heel between the two apple trees。 Then he started digging。 He kept precisely to her specifications。 He wanted everything to be just as Tereza wished。
She stayed in the house with Karenin。 She was afraid of burying him alive。 She put her ear to his mouth and thought she heard a weak breathing sound。 She stepped back and seemed to see his breast moving slightly。
(No; the breath she heard was her own; and because it set her own body ever so slightly in motion; she had the impression the dog was moving。)
She found a mirror in her bag and held it to his mouth。 The mirror was so smudged she thought she saw drops on it; drops caused by his breath。
Tomas! He's alive! she cried; when Tomas came in from the garden in his muddy boots。
Tomas bent over him and shook his head。 They each took an end of the sheet he was lying on; Tereza the lower end; Tomas the upper。 Then they lifted him up and carried him out to the garden。
The sheet felt wet to Tereza's hands。 He puddled his way into our lives and now he's puddling his way out; she thought; and she was glad to feel the moisture on her hands; his final greeting。
They carried him to the apple trees and set him down。 She leaned over the pit and arranged the sheet so that it covered him entirely。 It was unbearable to think of the earth they would soon be throwing over him; raining down on his naked body。
Then she went into the house and came back with his collar; his leash; and a handful of the chocolate that had lain untouched on the floor since morning。 She threw it all in after him。
Next to the pit was a pile of freshly dug earth。 Tomas picked up the shovel。
Just then Tereza recalled her dream: Karenin giving birth to two rolls and a bee。 Suddenly the words sounded like an epitaph。 She pictured a monument standing there; between the apple trees; with the inscription Here lies Karenin。 He gave birth to two rolls and a bee。
It was twilight in the garden; the time between day and evening。 There was a pale moon in the sky; a forgotten lamp in the room of the dead。
Their boots were caked with dirt by the time they took the shovel and spade back to the recess where their tools stood all in a row: rakes; watering cans; hoes。
6
He was sitting at the desk where he usually read his books。 At times like these Tereza would come up to him from behind; lean over; and press her cheek to his。 On that day; however; she gave a start。 Tomas was not reading a book; he had a letter in front of him; and even though it consisted of no more than five typed lines; Tomas was staring at it long and hard。
What is it? Tereza asked; full of sudden anguish。
Without turning his head; Tomas picked up the letter and handed it to her。 It said that he was obliged to report that day to the airfield of the neighboring town。
When at last he turned to her; Tereza read her own new…felt horror in his eyes。
I'll go with you; she said。
He shook his head。 I'm the one they want to see。
No; I'm going with you; she repeated。
They took Tomas's pickup。 They were at the airfield in no time。 It was foggy。 They could make out only the vaguest outlines of the few airplanes on the field。 They went from one to the next; but the doors were all closed。 No admittance。 At last they found one that was open; with a set of movable stairs leading up to it。 They climbed the stairs and were greeted by a steward at the door。 It was a small airplane—one that sat barely thirty passengers—and completely empty。 They walked down the aisle between the seats; holding on to each other and not paying much attention to their surroundings。 They took two adjoining seats; and Tereza laid her head on Tomas's shoulder。 The first wave of horror had passed and been replaced by sadness。
Horror is a shock; a time of utter blindness。 Horror lacks every hint of beauty。 All we can see is the piercing light of an unknown event awaiting us。 Sadness; on the other hand; assumes we are in the know。 Tomas and Tereza knew what was awaiting them。 The light of horror thus lost its harshness; and the world was bathed in a gentle; bluish light that actually beautified it。
While reading the letter; Tereza did not feel any love for Tomas; she simply realized that she could not now leave him for an instant: the feeling of horror overwhelmed all other emotions and instincts。 Now that she was leaning against him (as the plane sailed through the storm clouds); her fear subsided and she became aware of her love; a love that she knew had no limit or bounds。
At last the airplane landed。 They stood up and went to the door; which the steward opened for them。 Still holding each other around the waist; they stood at the top of the stairs。 Down below they saw three men with hoods over their heads and rifles in their hands。 There was no point in stalling; because there was no escape。 They descended slowly; and when their feet reached the ground of the airfield; one of the men raised his rifle and aimed it at them。 Although no shot rang out; Tereza felt Tomas—who a second before had been leaning against her; his arm around her waist—crumple to the ground。
She tried pressing him to her but could not hold him up; and he fell against the cement runway。 She leaned over him; about to fling herself on him; cover him with her body; when suddenly she noticed something strange: his body was quickly shrinking before her eyes。 She was so shocked that she froze and stood stock still。 The more Tomas's body shrank; the less it resembled him; until it turned into a tiny little object that started moving; running; dashing across the airfield。
The man who had shot him took off his mask and gave Tereza a pleasant smile。 Then he turned and set off after the little object; which was darting here and there as if trying desperately to dodge someone and find shelter。 The chase went on for a while; until suddenly the man hurled himself to the ground。 The chase was over。
The man stood up and went back to Tereza; carrying the object in his hand。 It was quaking with fear。 It was a rabbit。 He handed it to Tereza。 At that instant her fear and sadness subsided and she was happy to be holding an animal in her arms; happy that the animal was hers and she could press it to her body。 She burst into tears of joy。 She wept; wept until blinded by her tears; and took the rabbit home with the feeling that she was nearly at her goal; the place where she wanted to be and would never forsake。
Wandering the streets of Prague; she had no trouble finding her house; the house where she had lived with Mama and Papa as a small girl。 But Mama and Papa were gone。 She was greeted by two old people she had never seen before; but whom she knew to be her great…grandfather and great…grandmother。 They both had faces as wrinkled as the bark of a tree; and Tereza was happy she would be living with them。 But for now; she wanted to be alone with her animal。 She immediately found the room she had been given at the age of five; when her parents decided she deserved her own living space。
It had a bed; a table; and a chair。 The table had a lamp on it; a lamp that had never stopped burning in anticipation of her return; and on the lamp perched a butterfly with two large eyes painted on its widespread wings。 Tereza knew she was at her goal。 She lay down on the bed and pressed the rabbit to her face。
7
He was sitting at the desk where he usually read his books; an open envelope with a letter in it lying in front of him。 From time to time I get letters I haven't told you about; he said to Tereza。 They're from my son。 I've tried to keep his life and mine completely separate; and look how fate is getting even with me。 A few years ago he was expelled from the university。 Now he drives a tractor in a village。 Our lives may be separate; but they run in the same direction; like parallel lines。
Why didn't you ever tell me about the letters? Tereza asked; with a feeling of great relief。
I don't know。 It was too unpleasant; I suppose。 Does he write often? Now and then。 What about? Himself。 And is it interesting?
Yes; it is。 You remember that his mother was an ardent Communist。 Well; he broke with her long ago。 Then he took up with people who had trouble like ours; and got involved in political activities with them。 Some of them are in prison now。 But he's broken with them; too。 In his letters he calls them 'eternal revolutionari