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第5节

生命不能承受之轻-第5节

小说: 生命不能承受之轻 字数: 每页4000字

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Now that Dubcek is back; things have changed; said Tereza。
It was true: the general euphoria lasted no longer than the first week。 The representatives of the country had been hauled away like criminals by the Russian army; no one knew where they were; everyone feared for the men's lives; and hatred for the Russians drugged people like alcohol。 It was a drunken carnival of hate。 Czech towns were decorated with thousands of hand…painted posters bearing ironic texts; epigrams; poems; and cartoons of Brezhnev and his soldiers; jeered at by one and all as a circus of illiterates。 But no carnival can go on forever。 In the meantime; the Russians had forced the Czech representatives to sign a compromise agreement in Moscow。 When Dubcek returned with them to Prague; he gave a speech over the radio。 He was so devastated after his six…day detention he could hardly talk; he kept stuttering and gasping for breath; making long pauses between sentences; pauses lasting nearly thirty seconds。
The compromise saved the country from the worst: the executions and mass deportations to Siberia that had terrified everyone。 But one thing was clear: the country would have to bow to the conqueror。 For ever and ever; it will stutter; stammer; gasp for air like Alexander Dubcek。 The carnival was over。 Workaday humiliation had begun。
Tereza had explained all this to Tomas and he knew that it was true。 But he also knew that underneath it all hid still another; more fundamental truth; the reason why she wanted to leave Prague: she had never really been happy before。
The days she walked through the streets of Prague taking pictures of Russian soldiers and looking danger in the face were the best of her life。 They were the only time when the television series of her dreams had been interrupted and she had enjoyed a few happy nights。 The Russians had brought equilibrium to her in their tanks; and now that the carnival was over; she feared her nights again and wanted to escape them。 She now knew there were conditions under which she could feel strong and fulfilled; and she longed to go off into the world and seek those conditions somewhere else。
It doesn't bother you that Sabina has also emigrated to Switzerland? Tomas asked。
Geneva isn't Zurich; said Tereza。 She'll be much less of a difficulty there than she was in Prague。 
A person who longs to leave the place where he lives is an unhappy person。 That is why Tomas accepted Tereza's wish to emigrate as the culprit accepts his sentence; and one day he and Tereza and Karenin found themselves in the largest city in Switzerland。
13
He bought a bed for their empty flat (they had no money yet for other furniture) and threw himself into his work with the frenzy of a man of forty beginning a new life。
He made several telephone calls to Geneva。 A show of Sabina's work had opened there by chance a week after the Russian invasion; and in a wave of sympathy for her tiny country; Geneva's patrons of the arts bought up all her paintings。
Thanks to the Russians; I'm a rich woman; she said; laughing into the telephone。 She invited Tomas to come and see her new studio; and assured him it did not differ greatly from the one he had known in Prague。
He would have been only too glad to visit her; but was unable to find an excuse to explain his absence to Tereza。 And so Sabina came to Zurich。 She stayed at a hotel。 Tomas went to see her after work。 He phoned first from the reception desk; then went upstairs。 When she opened the door; she stood before him on her beautiful long legs wearing nothing but panties and bra。 And a black bowler hat。 She stood there staring; mute and motionless。 Tomas did the same。 Suddenly he realized how touched he was。 He removed the bowler from her head and placed it on the bedside table。 Then they made love without saying a word。
Leaving the hotel for his Hat (which by now had acquired table; chairs; couch; and carpet); he thought happily that he carried his way of living with him as a snail carries his house。 Tereza and Sabina represented the two poles of his life; separate and irreconcilable; yet equally appealing。
But the fact that he carried his life…support system with him everywhere like a part of his body meant that Tereza went on having her dreams。
They had been in Zurich for six or seven months when he came home late one evening to find a letter on the table telling him she had left for Prague。 She had left because she lacked the strength to live abroad。 She knew she was supposed to bolster him up; but did not know how to go about it。 She had been silly enough to think that going abroad would change her。 She thought that after what she had been through during the invasion she would stop being petty and grow up; grow wise and strong; but she had overestimated herself。 She was weighing him down and would do so no longer。 She had drawn the necessary conclusions before it was too late。 And she apologized for taking Karenin with her。
He took some sleeping pills but still did not close his eyes until morning。 Luckily it was Saturday and he could stay at home。 For the hundred and fiftieth time he went over the situation: the borders between his country and the rest of the world were no longer open。 No telegrams or telephone calls could bring her back。 The authorities would never let her travel abroad。 Her departure was staggeringly definitive。
14
The realization that he was utterly powerless was like the blow of a sledgehammer; yet it was curiously calming as well。 No one was forcing him into a decision。 He felt no need to stare at the walls of the houses across the courtyard and ponder whether to live with her or not。 Tereza had made the decision herself。
He went to a restaurant for lunch。 He was depressed; but as he ate; his original desperation waned; lost its strength; and soon all that was left was melancholy。 Looking back on the years he had spent with her; he came to feel that their story could have had no better ending。 If someone had invented the story; this is how he would have had to end it。
One day Tereza came to him uninvited。 One day she left the same way。 She came with a heavy suitcase。 She left with a heavy suitcase。
He paid the bill; left the restaurant; and started walking through the streets; his melancholy growing more and more beautiful。 He had spent seven years of life with Tereza; and now he realized that those years were more attractive in retrospect than they were when he was living them。
His love for Tereza was beautiful; but it was also tiring: he had constantly had to hide things from her; sham; dissemble; make amends; buck her up; calm her down; give her evidence of his feelings; play the defendant to her jealousy; her suffering; and her dreams; feel guilty; make excuses and apologies。 Now what was tiring had disappeared and only the beauty remained。
Saturday found him for the first time strolling alone through Zurich; breathing in the heady smell of his freedom。 New adventures hid around each corner。 The future was again a secret。 He was on his way back to the bachelor life; the life he had once felt destined for; the life that would let him be what he actually was。
For seven years he had lived bound to her; his every step subject to her scrutiny。 She might as well have chained iron balls to his ankles。 Suddenly his step was much lighter。 He soared。 He had entered Parmenides' magic field: he was enjoying the sweet lightness of being。
(Did he feel like phoning Sabina in Geneva? Contacting one or another of the women he had met during his several months in Zurich? No; not in the least。 Perhaps he sensed that any woman would make his memory of Tereza unbearably painful。)
15
This curious melancholic fascination lasted until Sunday evening。 。On Monday; everything changed。 Tereza forced her way into his thoughts: he imagined her sitting there writing her farewell letter; he felt her hands trembling; he saw her lugging her heavy suitcase in one hand and leading Karenin on his leash with the other; he pictured her unlocking their Prague flat; and suffered the utter abandonment breathing her in the face as she opened the door。
During those two beautiful days of melancholy; his compassion (that curse of emotional telepathy) had taken a holiday。 It had slept the sound Sunday sleep of a miner who; after a hard week's work; needs to gather strength for his Monday shift。
Instead of the patients he was treating; Tomas saw Tereza。
He tried to remind himself。 Don't think about her! Don't think about her! He said to himself; I'm sick with compassion。 It's good that she's gone and that I'll never see her again; though it's not Tereza I need to be free of—it's that sickness; compassion; which I thought I was immune to until she infected me with it。
On Saturday and Sunday; he felt the sweet lightness of being rise up to him out of the depths of the future。 On Monday; he was hit by a weight the likes of which he had never known。 The tons of steel of the Russian tanks were nothing compared with it。 For there is nothing heavier than compassion。 Not even one's own pain weighs so heavy as the pain one feels with someone; for someone; a pain intensified by the imagination and prolonged by a hundred echoes。
He kept warning himself not to give in to compassion; and compassion list

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