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第4节

生命不能承受之轻-第4节

小说: 生命不能承受之轻 字数: 每页4000字

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In languages that derive from Latin; compassion means: we cannot look on coolly as others suffer; or; we sympathize with those who suffer。 Another word with approximately the same meaning; pity (French; pitie; Italian; pieta; etc。); connotes a certain condescension towards the sufferer。 To take pity on a woman means that we are better off than she; that we stoop to her level; lower ourselves。
That is why the word compassion generally inspires suspicion; it designates what is considered an inferior; second…rate sentiment that has little to do with love。 To love someone out of compassion means not really to love。
In languages that form the word compassion not from the root suffering but from the root feeling; the word is used in approximately the same way; but to contend that it designates a bad or inferior sentiment is difficult。 The secret strength of its etymology floods the word with another light and gives it a broader meaning: to have compassion (co…feeling) means not only to be able to live with the other's misfortune but also to feel with him any emotion—joy; anxiety; happiness; pain。 This kind of compassion (in the sense of souc/r; wspofczucie; Mitgefuhl; medkansia) therefore signifies the maximal capacity of affective imagination; the art of emotional telepathy。 In the hierarchy of sentiments; then; it is supreme。
By revealing to Tomas her dream about jabbing needles under her fingernails; Tereza unwittingly revealed that she had gone through his desk。 If Tereza had been any other woman; Tomas would never have spoken to her again。 Aware of that; Tereza said to him; Throw me out! But instead of throwing her out; he seized her hand and kissed the tips of her fingers; because at that moment he himself felt the pain under her fingernails as surely as if the nerves of her fingers led straight to his own brain。
Anyone who has failed to benefit from the Devil's gift of compassion (co…feeling) will condemn Tereza coldly for her deed; because privacy is sacred and drawers containing intimate correspondence are not to be opened。 But because compassion was Tomas's fate (or curse); he felt that he himself had knelt before the open desk drawer; unable to tear his eyes from Sabina's letter。 He understood Tereza; and not only was he incapable of being angry with her; he loved her all the more。
10
Her gestures grew abrupt and unsteady。 Two years had elapsed since she discovered he was unfaithful; and things had grown worse。 There was no way out。
Was he genuinely incapable of abandoning his erotic friendships? He was。 It would have torn him apart。 He lacked the strength to control his taste for other women。 Besides; he failed to see the need。 No one knew better than he how little his exploits threatened Tereza。 Why then give them up? He saw no more reason for that than to deny himself soccer matches。
But was it still a matter of pleasure? Even as he set out to visit another woman; he found her distasteful and promised himself he would not see her again。 He constantly had Tereza's image before his eyes; and the only way he could erase it was by quickly getting drunk。 Ever since meeting Tereza; he had been unable to make love to other women without alcohol! But alcohol on his breath was a sure sign to Tereza of infidelity。
He was caught in a trap: even on his way to see them; he found them distasteful; but one day without them and he was back on the phone; eager to make contact。
He still felt most comfortable with Sabina。 He knew she was discreet and would not divulge their rendezvous。 Her studio greeted him like a memento of his past; his idyllic bachelor past。
Perhaps he himself did not realize how much he had changed: he was now afraid to come home late; because Tereza would be waiting up for him。 Then one day Sabina caught him glancing at his watch during intercourse and trying to hasten its conclusion。
Afterwards; still naked and lazily walking across the studio; she stopped before an easel with a half…finished painting and watched him sidelong as he threw on his clothes。
When he was fully dressed except for one bare foot; he looked around the room; and then got down on all fours to continue the search under a table。
You seem to be turning into the theme of all my paintings; she said。 The meeting of two worlds。 A double exposure。 Showing through the outline of Tomas the libertine; incredibly; the face of a romantic lover。 Or; the other way; through a Tristan; always thinking of his Tereza; I see the beautiful; betrayed world of the libertine。 
Tomas straightened up and; distractedly; listened to Sabina's words。
What are you looking for? she asked。
A sock。 
She searched all over the room with him; and again he got down on all fours to look under the table。
Your sock isn't anywhere to be seen; said Sabina。 You must have come without it。 
How could I have come without it? cried Tomas; looking at his watch。 I wasn't wearing only one sock when I came; was I?
It's not out of the question。 You've been very absent…minded lately。 Always rushing somewhere; looking at your watch。 It wouldn't surprise me in the least if you forgot to put on a sock。 
He was just about to put his shoe on his bare foot。 It's cold out; Sabina said。 I'll lend you one of my stockings。 
She handed him a long; white; fashionable; wide…net stocking。
He knew very well she was getting back at him for glancing at his watch while making love to her。 She had hidden his sock somewhere。 It was indeed cold out; and he had no choice but to take her up on the offer。 He went home wearing a sock on one foot and a wide…net stocking rolled down over his ankle on the other。
He was in a bind: in his mistresses' eyes; he bore the stigma of his love for Tereza; in Tereza's eyes; the stigma of his exploits with the mistresses。
11
To assuage Tereza's sufferings; he married her (they could finally give up the room; which she had not lived in for quite some time) and gave her a puppy。
It was born to a Saint Bernard owned by a colleague。 The sire was a neighbor's German shepherd。 No one wanted the little mongrels; and his colleague was loath to kill them。
Looking over the puppies; Tomas knew that the ones he rejected would have to die。 He felt like the president of the republic standing before four prisoners condemned to death and empowered to pardon only one of them。 At last he made his choice: a bitch whose body seemed reminiscent of the German shepherd and whose head belonged to its Saint Bernard mother。 He took it home to Tereza; who picked it up and pressed it to her breast。 The puppy immediately peed on her blouse。
Then they tried to come up with a name for it。 Tomas wanted the name to be a clear indication that the dog was Tereza's; and he thought of the book she was clutching under her arm when she arrived unannounced in Prague。 He suggested they call the puppy Tolstoy。
It can't be Tolstoy; Tereza said。 It's a girl。 How about Anna Karenina? 
It can't be Anna Karenina; said Tomas。 No woman could possibly have so funny a face。 It's much more like Karenin。 Yes; Anna's husband。 That's just how I've always pictured him。 
But won't calling her Karenin affect her sexuality? 
It is entirely possible; said Tomas; that a female dog addressed continually by a male name will develop lesbian tendencies。 
Strangely enough; Tomas's words came true。 Though bitches are usually more affectionate to their masters than to their mistresses; Karenin proved an exception; deciding that he was in love with Tereza。 Tomas was grateful to him for it。 He would stroke the puppy's head and say; Well done; Karenin! That's just what I wanted you for。 Since I can't cope with her by myself; you must help me。 
But even with Karenin's help Tomas failed to make her happy。 He became aware of his failure some years later; on approximately the tenth day after his country was occupied by Russian tanks。 It was August 1968; and Tomas was receiving daily phone calls from a hospital in Zurich。 The director there; a physician who had struck up a friendship with Tomas at an international conference; was worried about him and kept offering him a job。
12
If Tomas rejected the Swiss doctor's offer without a second thought; it was for Tereza's sake。 He assumed she would not want to leave。 She had spent the whole first week of the occupation in a kind of trance almost resembling happiness。 After roaming the streets with her camera; she would hand the rolls of film to foreign journalists; who actually fought over them。 Once; when she went too far and took a close…up of an officer pointing his revolver at a group of people; she was arrested and kept overnight at Russian military headquarters。 There they threatened to shoot her; but no sooner did they let her go than she was back in the streets with her camera。
That is why Tomas was surprised when on the tenth day of the occupation she said to him; Why is it you don't want to go to Switzerland? ????????????? '
Why should I? 
They could make it hard for you here。 
They can make it hard for anybody; replied Tomas with a wave of the hand。 What about you? Could you live abroad? 
Why not? 
You've been out there risking your life for this country。 How can you be so nonchalant about leaving it? 
Now that Dubcek is back; things have changed; said Tereza。
It was t

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