生命不能承受之轻-第34节
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elt he was being watched。 He was nearly certain that there was a peephole somewhere in the bathroom door and that her beautiful eye was squinting through it。
He went off in the best of moods; trying to fix her essence in his memory; to reduce that memory to a chemical formula capable of defining her uniqueness (her millionth part dissimilarity)。 The result was a formula consisting of three givens:
1) clumsiness with ardor;
2) the frightened face of one who has lost her equilibrium and is falling; and
3) legs raised in the air like the arms of a soldier surrendering to a pointed gun。
Going over them; he felt the joy of having acquired yet another piece of the world; of having taken his imaginary scalpel and snipped yet another strip off the infinite canvas of the universe。
12
At about the same time; he had the following experience: He had been meeting a young woman in a room that an old friend put at his disposal every day until midnight。 After a month or two; she reminded him of one of their early encounters: they had made love on a rug under the window while it was thundering and lightning outside; they had made love for the length of the storm; it had been unforgettably beautiful!
Tomas was appalled。 Yes; he remembered making love to her on the rug (his friend slept on a narrow couch that Tomas found uncomfortable); but he had completely forgotten the storm! It was odd。 He could recall each of their times together; he had even kept close track of the ways they made love (she refused to be entered from behind); he remembered several of the things she had said during intercourse (she would ask him to squeeze her hips and to stop looking at her all the time); he even remembered the cut of her lingerie; but the storm had left no trace。
Of each erotic experience his memory recorded only the steep and narrow path of sexual conquest: the first piece of verbal aggression; the first touch; the first obscenity he said to her and she to him; the minor perversions he could make her acquiesce in and the ones she held out against。 All else he excluded (almost pedantically) from his memory。 He even forgot where he had first seen one or another woman; if that event occurred before his sexual offensive began。
The young woman smiled dreamily as she went on about the storm; and he looked at her in amazement and something akin to shame: she had experienced something beautiful; and he had failed to experience it with her。 The two ways in which their memories reacted to the evening storm sharply delimit love and nonlove。
By the word nonlove I do not wish to imply that he took a cynical attitude to the young woman; that; as present…day parlance has it; he looked upon her as a sex object; on the contrary; he was quite fond of her; valued her character and intelligence; and was willing to come to her aid if ever she needed him。 He was not the one who behaved shamefully towards her; it was his memory; for it was his memory that; unbeknown to him; had excluded her from the sphere of love。
The brain appears to possess a special area which we might call poetic memory and which records everything that charms or touches us; that makes our lives beautiful。 From the time he met Tereza; no woman had the right to leave the slightest impression on that part of his brain。
Tereza occupied his poetic memory like a despot and exterminated all trace of other women。 That was unfair; because the young woman he made love to on the rug during the storm was not a bit less worthy of poetry than Tereza。 She shouted; Close your eyes! Squeeze my hips! Hold me tight! ; she could not stand it that when Tomas made love he kept his eyes open; focused and observant; his body ever so slightly arched above her; never pressing against her skin。 She did not want him to study her。 She wanted to draw him into the magic stream that may be entered only with closed eyes。 The reason she refused to get down on all fours was that in that position their bodies did not touch at all and he could observe her from a distance of several feet。 She hated that distance。 She wanted to merge with him。 That is why; looking him straight in the eye; she insisted she had not had an orgasm even though the rug was fairly dripping with it。 It's not sensual pleasure I'm after; she would say; it's happiness。 And pleasure without happiness is not pleasure。 In other words; she was pounding on the gate of his poetic memory。 But the gate was shut。 There was no room for her in his poetic memory。 There was room for her only on the rug。
His adventure with Tereza began at the exact point where his adventures with other women left off。 It took place on the other side of the imperative that pushed him into conquest after conquest。 He had no desire to uncover anything in Tereza。 She had come to him uncovered。 He had made love to her before he could grab for the imaginary scalpel he used to open the prostrate body of the world。 Before he could start wondering what she would be like when they made love; he loved her。
Their love story did not begin until afterward: she fell ill and he was unable to send her home as he had the others。 Kneeling by her as she lay sleeping in his bed; he realized that someone had sent her downstream in a bulrush basket。 I have said before that metaphors are dangerous。 Love begins with a metaphor。 Which is to say; love begins at the point when a woman enters her first word into our poetic memory。
13
Recently she had made another entry into his mind。 Returning home with the milk one morning as usual; she stood in the doorway with a crow wrapped in her red scarf and pressed against her breast。 It was the way gypsies held their babies。 He would never forget it: the crow's enormous plaintive beak up next to her face。
She had found it half…buried; the way Cossacks used to dig their prisoners into the ground。 It was children; she said; and her words did more than state a fact; they revealed an unexpected repugnance for people in general。 It reminded him of something she had said to him not long before: I'm beginning to be grateful to you for not wanting to have children。
And then she had complained to him about a man who had been bothering her at work。 He had grabbed at a cheap necklace of hers and suggested that the only way she could have afforded it was by doing some prostitution on the side。 She was very upset about it。 More than necessary; thought Tomas。 He suddenly felt dismayed at how little he had seen of her the last two years; he had so few opportunities to press her hands in his to stop them from trembling。
The next morning he had gone to work with Tereza on his mind。 The woman who gave the window washers their assignments told him that a private customer had insisted on him personally。 Tomas was not looking forward to it; he was afraid it was still another woman。 Fully occupied with Tereza; he was in no mood for adventure。
When the door opened; he gave a sigh of relief。 He saw a tall; slightly stooped man before him。 The man had a big chin and seemed vaguely familiar。
Come in; said the man with a smile; taking him inside。
There was also a young man standing there。 His face was bright red。 He was looking at Tomas and trying to smile。
I assume there's no need for me to introduce you two; said the man。
No; said Tomas; and without returning the smile he held out his hand to the young man。 It was his son。
Only then did the man with the big chin introduce himself。
I knew you looked familiar! said Tomas。 Of course! Now I place you。 It was the name that did it。
They sat down at what was like a small conference table。 Tomas realized that both men opposite him were his own involuntary creations。 He had been forced to produce the younger one by his first wife; and the features of the older one had taken shape when he was under interrogation by the police。
To clear his mind of these thoughts; he said; Well; which window do you want me to start with?
Both men burst out laughing。
Clearly windows had nothing to do with the case。 He had not been called in to do the windows; he had been lured into a trap。 He had never before talked to his son。 This was the first time he had shaken hands with him。 He knew him only by sight and had no desire to know him any other way。 As far as he was concerned; the less he knew about his son the better; and he hoped the feeling was mutual。
Nice poster; isn't it? said the editor; pointing at a large framed drawing on the wall opposite Tomas。
Tomas now glanced around the room。 The walls were hung with interesting pictures; mostly photographs and posters。 The drawing the editor had singled out came from one of the last issues of his paper before the Russians closed it down in 1969。 It was an imitation of a famous recruitment poster from the Russian Civil War of 1918 showing a soldier; red star on his cap and extraordinarily stern look in his eyes; staring straight at you and aiming his index finger at you。 The original Russian caption read: Citizen; have you joined the Red Army? It was replaced by a Czech text that read: Citizen; have you signed the Two Thousand Words?
That was an excellent joke! The Two Thousand Words was the first glorious manifesto of the 1968 Prague Spring。 It called for the radical democratization of the Communist regime。 First i