生命不能承受之轻-第26节

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nly　stood　stock　still　and　riveted　his　eyes　on　something。　She　looked　over；　but　could　see　nothing　out　of　the　ordinary。　Karenin　gave　a　tug；　and　she　followed　along　behind。　Only　then　did　she　notice　the　black　head　and　large　beak　of　a　crow　lying　on　the　cold　dirt　of　a　barren　plot。　The　bodiless　head　bobbed　slowly　up　and　down；　and　the　beak　gave　out　an　occasional　hoarse　and　mournful　croak。
Karenin　was　so　excited　he　dropped　his　roll。　Tereza　tied　him　to　a　tree　to　prevent　him　from　hurting　the　crow。　Then　she　knelt　down　and　tried　to　dig　up　the　soil　that　had　been　stamped　down　around　the　bird　to　bury　it　alive。　It　was　not　easy。　She　broke　a　nail。　The　blood　began　to　flow。
All　at　once　a　rock　landed　nearby。　She　turned　and　caught　sight　of　two　nine…　or　ten…year…old　boys　peeking　out　from　behind　a　wall。　She　stood　up。　They　saw　her　move；　saw　the　dog　by　the　tree；　and　ran　off。
Once　more　she　knelt　down　and　scratched　away　at　the　dirt。　At　last　she　succeeded　in　pulling　the　crow　out　of　its　grave。　But　the　crow　was　lame　and　could　neither　walk　nor　fly。　She　wrapped　it　up　in　the　red　scarf　she　had　been　wearing　around　her　neck；　and　pressed　it　to　her　body　with　her　left　hand。　With　her　right　hand　she　untied　Karenin　from　the　tree。　It　took　all　the　strength　she　could　muster　to　quiet　him　down　and　make　him　heel。
She　rang　the　doorbell；　not　having　a　free　hand　for　the　key。　Tomas　opened　the　door。　She　handed　him　the　leash；　and　with　the　words　Hold　him！　took　the　crow　into　the　bathroom。　She　laid　it　on　the　floor　under　the　washbasin。　It　flapped　its　wings　a　little；　but　could　move　no　more　than　that。　There　was　a　thick　yellow　liquid　oozing　from　it。　She　made　a　bed　of　old　rags　to　protect　it　from　the　cold　tiles。　From　time　to　time　the　bird　would　give　a　hopeless　flap　of　its　lame　wing　and　raise　its　beak　as　a　reproach。
She　sat　transfixed　on　the　edge　of　the　bath；　unable　to　take　her　eyes　off　the　dying　crow。　In　its　solitude　and　desolation　she　saw　a　reflection　of　her　own　fate；　and　she　repeated　several　times　to　herself；　I　have　no　one　left　in　the　world　but　Tomas。
Did　her　adventure　with　the　engineer　teach　her　that　casual　sex　has　nothing　to　do　with　love？　That　it　is　light；　weightless？　Was　she　calmer　now？
Not　in　the　least。
She　kept　picturing　the　following　scene：　She　had　come　out　of　the　toilet　and　her　body　was　standing　in　the　anteroom　naked　and　spurned。　Her　soul　was　trembling；　terrified；　buried　in　the　depths　of　her　bowels。　If　at　that　moment　the　man　in　the　inner　room　had　addressed　her　soul；　she　would　have　burst　out　crying　and　fallen　into　his　arms。
She　imagined　what　it　would　have　been　like　if　the　woman　standing　in　the　anteroom　had　been　one　of　Tomas's　mistresses　and　if　the　man　inside　had　been　Tomas。　All　he　would　have　had　to　do　was　say　one　word；　a　single　word；　and　the　girl　would　have　thrown　her　arms　around　him　and　wept。
Tereza　knew　what　happens　during　the　moment　love　is　born：　the　woman　cannot　resist　the　voice　calling　forth　her　terrified　soul；　the　man　cannot　resist　the　woman　whose　soul　thus　responds　to　his　voice。　Tomas　had　no　defense　against　the　lure　of　love；　and　Tereza　feared　for　him　every　minute　of　every　hour。
What　weapons　did　she　have　at　her　disposal？　None　but　her　fidelity。　And　she　offered　him　that　at　the　very　outset；　the　very　first　day；　as　if　aware　she　had　nothing　more　to　give。　Their　love　was　an　oddly　asymmetrical　construction：　it　was　supported　by　the　absolute　certainty　of　her　fidelity　like　a　gigantic　edifice　supported　by　a　single　column。
Before　long；　the　crow　stopped　flapping　its　wings；　and　gave　no　more　than　the　twitch　of　a　broken；　mangled　leg。　Tereza　refused　to　be　separated　from　it。　She　could　have　been　keeping　vigil　over　a　dying　sister。　In　the　end；　however；　she　did　step　into　the　kitchen　for　a　bite　to　eat。
When　she　returned；　the　crow　was　dead。

22
In　the　first　year　of　her　love；　Tereza　would　cry　out　during　intercourse。　Screaming；　as　I　have　pointed　out；　was　meant　to　blind　and　deafen　the　senses。　With　time　she　screamed　less；　but　her　soul　was　still　blinded　by　love；　and　saw　nothing。　Making　love　with　the　engineer　in　the　absence　of　love　was　what　finally　restored　her　soul's　sight。
During　her　next　visit　to　the　sauna；　she　stood　before　the　mirror　again　and；　looking　at　herself；　reviewed　the　scene　of　physical　love　that　had　taken　place　in　the　engineer's　flat。　It　was　not　her　lover　she　remembered。　In　fact；　she　would　have　been　hard　put　to　describe　him。　She　may　not　even　have　noticed　what　he　looked　like　naked。　What　she　did　remember　（and　what　she　now　observed；　aroused；　in　the　mirror）　was　her　own　body：　her　pubic　triangle　and　the　circular　blotch　located　just　above　it。　The　blotch；　which　until　then　she　had　regarded　as　the　most　prosaic　of　skin　blemishes；　had　become　an　obsession。　She　longed　to　see　it　again　and　again　in　that　implausible　proximity　to　an　alien　penis。
Here　I　must　stress　again：　She　had　no　desire　to　see　another　man's　organs。　She　wished　to　see　her　own　private　parts　in　close　proximity　to　an　alien　penis。　She　did　not　desire　her　lover's　body。　She　desired　her　own　body；　newly　discovered；　intimate　and　alien　beyond　all　others；　incomparably　exciting。
Looking　at　her　body　speckled　with　droplets　of　shower　water；　she　imagined　the　engineer　dropping　in　at　the　bar。　Oh；　how　she　longed　for　him　to　come；　longed　for　him　to　invite　her　back！　Oh；　how　she　yearned　for　it！

23
Every　day　she　feared　that　the　engineer　would　make　his　appearance　and　she　would　be　unable　to　say　no。　But　the　days　passed；　and　the　fear　that　he　would　come　merged　gradually　into　the　dread　that　he　would　not。
A　month　had　gone　by；　and　still　the　engineer　stayed　away。　Tereza　found　it　inexplicable。　Her　frustrated　desire　receded　and　turned　into　a　troublesome　question：　Why　did　he　fail　to　come？
Waiting　on　customers　one　day；　she　came　upon　the　bald…headed　man　who　had　attacked　her　for　serving　alcohol　to　a　minor。　He　was　telling　a　dirty　joke　in　a　loud　voice。　It　was　a　joke　she　had　heard　a　hundred　times　before　from　the　drunks　in　the　small　town　where　she　had　once　served　beer。　Once　more；　she　had　the　feeling　that　her　mother's　world　was　intruding　on　her。　She　curtly　interrupted　the　bald　man。
I　don't　take　orders　from　you；　the　man　responded　in　a　huff。　You　ought　to　thank　your　lucky　stars　we　let　you　stay　here　in　the　bar。　
We？　Who　do　you　mean　by　we？　
Us；　said　the　man；　holding　up　his　glass　for　another　vodka。　I　won't　have　any　more　insults　out　of　you；　is　that　clear？　Oh；　and　by　the　way；　he　added；　pointing　to　Tereza's　neck；　which　was　wound　round　with　a　strand　of　cheap　pearls；　where　did　you　get　those　from？　You　can't　tell　me　your　husband　gave　them　to　you。　A　window　washer！　He　can't　afford　gifts　like　that。　It's　your　customers；　isn't　it？　I　wonder　what　you　give　them　in　exchange？　
You　shut　your　mouth　this　instant！　she　hissed。
Just　remember　that　prostitution　is　a　criminal　offense；　he　went　on；　trying　to　grab　hold　of　the　necklace。
Suddenly　Karenin　jumped　up；　leaned　his　front　paws　on　the　bar；　and　began　to　snarl。

24
The　ambassador　said：　He's　with　the　secret　police。　
Then　why　is　he　so　open　about　it？　What　good　is　a　secret　police　that　can't　keep　its　secrets？　
The　ambassador　positioned　himself　on　the　cot　by　folding　his　legs　under　his　body；　as　he　had　learned　to　do　in　yoga　class。　Kennedy；　beaming　down　on　him　from　the　frame　on　the　wall；　gave　his　words　a　special　consecration。
The　secret　police　have　several　functions；　my　dear；　he　began　in　an　avuncular　tone。　The　first　is　the　classical　one。　They　keep　an　ear　out　for　what　people　are　saying　and　report　it　to　their　superiors。
The　second　function　is　intimidatory。　They　want　to　make　it　seem　as　if　they　have　us　in　their　power；　they　want　us　to　be　afraid。　That　is　what　your　bald…headed　friend　was　after。
The　third　function　consists　of　staging　situations　that　will　compromise　us。　Gone　are　the　days　when　they　tried　to　accuse　us　of　plotting　the　downfall　of　the　state。　That　would　only　increase　our　popularity。　Now　they　slip　hashish　in　our　pockets　or　claim　we've　raped　a　twelve…year…old　girl。　They　can　always　dig　up　some　girl　to　back　them。　
The　engineer　immediately　popped　back　into　Tereza's　mind。　Why　had　he　never　come？
They　need　to　trap　people；　the　ambassador　went　on；　to　force　them　to　collaborate　and　set　other　traps　for　other　people；　so　that　gradually　they　can　turn　the　whole　nation　into　a　single　organization　of　informers。　
Tereza　could　think　of　nothing　but　the　possibility　that　the　engineer　had　been　sent　by　the　police。　And　who　was　that　strange　boy　who　drank　himself　silly　and　told　her　he　loved　her？　It　was　because　of　him　that　the　bald　police　spy　had　launched　into　her　and　the　engineer　stood　up　for　her。　So　all　three　had　been　playing　parts　in　a　prearranged　scenario　meant　to　soften　her　up　for　the　seduction！
How　could　she　have　missed　it？　The　flat　was　so　odd；　and　he　didn't　belong　there　at　all！　Why　would　an　elegantly　dressed　engineer　live　in　a　miserable　place　like　that？　Was　he　an　engineer？　And　if　so；　how　could　he　leave　work　at　two　in　the　afternoon？　Besides；　how　many　engineers　read　Sophocles？　No；　that　was　no　engineer's　library！　The　whole　place　had　more　the　flavor　of　a　flat　confiscated　from　a　poor　imprisoned　intellectual。　Her　father　was　put　in　prison　when　she　was　ten；　and　the　state　had　confiscated　their　flat　and　all　her　father's　books。　Who　knows　to　what　use　the　flat　had　then　been　put？
Now　she　saw　clearly　why　the　engineer　had　never　returned：　he　had　accomplished　his　mission。　What　mission？　Th