生命不能承受之轻-第25节

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Yes；　all　she　was　doing　was　following　Tomas's　commands。
She　wouldn't　stay　long；　long　enough　for　a　cup　of　coffee；　long　enough　to　feel　what　it　was　like　to　reach　the　very　border　of　infidelity。　She　would　push　her　body　up　to　the　border；　let　it　stand　there　for　a　moment　as　at　the　stake；　and　then；　when　the　engineer　tried　to　put　his　arms　around　her；　she　would　say；　as　she　said　to　the　man　with　the　rifle　on　Petrin　Hill；　It　wasn't　my　choice。　
Whereupon　the　man　would　lower　the　barrel　of　his　rifle　and　say　in　a　gentle　voice；　If　it　wasn't　your　choice；　I　can't　do　it。　I　haven't　the　right。　
And　she　would　turn　her　face　to　the　bark　of　the　tree　and　burst　into　tears。

16
The　building　had　been　constructed　at　the　turn　of　the　century　in　a　workers'　district　of　Prague。　She　entered　a　hall　with　dirty　whitewashed　walls；　climbed　a　flight　of　worn　stone　stairs　with　iron　banisters；　and　turned　to　the　left。　It　was　the　second　door；　no　name；　no　bell。　She　knocked。
He　opened　the　door。
The　entire　flat　consisted　of　a　single　room　with　a　curtain　setting　off　the　first　five　or　six　feet　from　the　rest　and　therefore　forming　a　kind　of　makeshift　anteroom。　It　had　a　table；　a　hot　plate；　and　a　refrigerator。　Stepping　beyond　the　curtain；　she　saw　the　oblong　of　a　window　at　the　end　of　a　long；　narrow　space；　with　books　along　one　side　and　a　daybed　and　armchair　against　the　other。
It's　a　very　simple　place　I　have　here；　said　the　engineer。　I　hope　you　don't　find　it　depressing。　
No；　not　at　all；　said　Tereza；　looking　at　the　wall　covered　with　bookshelves。　He　had　no　desk；　but　hundreds　of　books。　She　liked　seeing　them；　and　the　anxiety　that　had　plagued　her　died　down　somewhat。　From　childhood；　she　had　regarded　books　as　the　emblems　of　a　secret　brotherhood。　A　man　with　this　sort　of　library　couldn't　possibly　hurt　her。
He　asked　her　what　she'd　like　to　drink。　Wine？
No；　no；　no　wine。　Coffee；　if　anything。
He　disappeared　behind　the　curtain；　and　she　went　over　to　the　bookshelves。　One　of　the　books　caught　her　eye　at　once。　It　was　a　translation　of　Sophocles'　Oedipus。　How　odd　to　find　it　here！　Years　ago；　Tomas　had　given　it　to　her；　and　after　she　had　read　it　he　went　on　and　on　about　it。　Then　he　sent　his　reflections　to　a　newspaper；　and　the　article　turned　their　life　upside　down。　But　now；　just　looking　at　the　spine　of　the　book　seemed　to　calm　her。　It　made　her　feel　as　though　Tomas　had　purposely　left　a　trace；　a　message　that　her　presence　here　was　his　doing。　She　took　the　book　off　the　shelf　and　opened　it。　When　the　tall　engineer　came　back　into　the　room；　she　would　ask　him　why　he　had　it；　whether　he　had　read　it；　and　what　he　thought　of　it。　That　would　be　her　ruse　to　turn　the　conversation　away　from　the　hazardous　terrain　of　a　stranger's　flat　to　the　intimate　world　of　Tomas's　thoughts。
Then　she　felt　his　hand　on　her　shoulder。　The　man　took　the　book　out　of　her　hand；　put　it　back　on　the　shelf　without　a　word；　and　led　her　over　to　the　daybed。
Again　she　recalled　the　words　she　had　used　with　the　Petrin　executioner；　and　said　them　aloud：　But　it　wasn't　my　choice！　
She　believed　them　to　be　a　miraculous　formula　that　would　instantly　change　the　situation；　but　in　that　room　the　words　lost　their　magic　power。　I　have　a　feeling　they　even　strengthened　the　man　in　his　resolve：　he　pressed　her　to　himself　and　put　his　hand　on　her　breast。
Oddly　enough；　the　touch　of　his　hand　immediately　erased　what　remained　of　her　anxiety。　For　the　engineer's　hand　referred　to　her　body；　and　she　realized　that　she　（her　soul）　was　not　at　all　involved；　only　her　body；　her　body　alone。　The　body　that　had　betrayed　her　and　that　she　had　sent　out　into　the　world　among　other　bodies。
17
He　undid　the　first　button　on　her　blouse　and　indicated　she　was　to　continue。　She　did　not　comply。　She　had　sent　her　body　out　into　the　world；　and　refused　to　take　any　responsibility　for　it。　She　neither　resisted　nor　assisted　him；　her　soul　thereby　announcing　that　it　did　not　condone　what　was　happening　but　had　decided　to　remain　neutral。
She　was　nearly　immobile　while　he　undressed　her。　When　he　kissed　her；　her　lips　failed　to　react。　But　suddenly　she　felt　her　groin　becoming　moist；　and　she　was　afraid。
The　excitement　she　felt　was　all　the　greater　because　she　was　excited　against　her　will。　In　other　words；　her　soul　did　condone　the　proceedings；　albeit　covertly。　But　she　also　knew　that　if　the　feeling　of　excitement　was　to　continue；　her　soul's　approval　would　have　to　keep　mute。　The　moment　it　said　its　yes　aloud；　the　moment　it　tried　to　take　an　active　part　in　the　love　scene；　the　excitement　would　subside。　For　what　made　the　soul　so　excited　was　that　the　body　was　acting　against　its　will；　the　body　was　betraying　it；　and　the　soul　was　looking　on。
Then　he　pulled　off　her　panties　and　she　was　completely　naked。　When　her　soul　saw　her　naked　body　in　the　arms　of　a　stranger；　it　was　so　incredulous　that　it　might　as　well　have　been　watching　the　planet　Mars　at　close　range。　In　the　light　of　the　incredible；　the　soul　for　the　first　time　saw　the　body　as　something　other　than　banal；　for　the　first　time　it　looked　on　the　body　with　fascination：　all　the　body's　matchless；　inimitable；　unique　qualities　had　suddenly　come　to　the　fore。　This　was　not　the　most　ordinary　of　bodies　（as　the　soul　had　regarded　it　until　then）；　this　was　the　most　extraordinary　body。　The　soul　could　not　tear　its　eyes　away　from　the　body's　birthmark；　the　round　brown　blemish　above　its　hairy　triangle。　It　looked　upon　that　mark　as　its　seal；　a　holy　seal　it　had　imprinted　on　the　body；　and　now　a　stranger's　penis　was　moving　blasphemously　close　to　it。
Peering　into　the　engineer's　face；　she　realized　that　she　would　never　allow　her　body；　on　which　her　soul　had　left　its　mark；　to　take　pleasure　in　the　embrace　of　someone　she　neither　knew　nor　wished　to　know。　She　was　filled　with　an　intoxicating　hatred。　She　collected　a　gob　of　saliva　to　spit　in　the　stranger's　face。　He　was　observing　her　with　as　much　eagerness　as　she　him；　and　noting　her　rage；　he　quickened　the　pace　of　his　movements　on　her　body。　Tereza　could　feel　orgasm　advancing　from　afar；　and　shouted　No；　no；　no！　to　resist　it；　but　resisted；　constrained；　deprived　of　an　outlet；　the　ecstasy　lingered　all　the　longer　in　her　body；　flowing　through　her　veins　like　a　shot　of　morphine。　She　thrashed　in　his　arms；　swung　her　fists　in　the　air；　and　spat　in　his　face。
18
Toilets　in　modern　water　closets　rise　up　from　the　floor　like　white　water　lilies。　The　architect　does　all　he　can　to　make　the　body　forget　how　paltry　it　is；　and　to　make　man　ignore　what　happens　to　his　intestinal　wastes　after　the　water　from　the　tank　flushes　them　down　the　drain。　Even　though　the　sewer　pipelines　reach　far　into　our　houses　with　their　tentacles；　they　are　carefully　hidden　from　view；　and　we　are　happily　ignorant　of　the　invisible　Venice　of　shit　underlying　our　bathrooms；　bedrooms；　dance　halls；　and　parliaments。
The　bathroom　in　the　old　working…class　flat　on　the　outskirts　of　Prague　was　less　hypocritical：　the　floor　was　covered　with　gray　tile　and　the　toilet　rising　up　from　it　was　broad；　squat；　and　pitiful。　It　did　not　look　like　a　white　water　lily；　it　looked　like　what　it　was：　the　enlarged　end　of　a　sewer　pipe。　And　since　it　lacked　even　a　wooden　seat；　Tereza　had　to　perch　on　the　cold　enamel　rim。
She　was　sitting　there　on　the　toilet；　and　her　sudden　desire　to　void　her　bowels　was　in　fact　a　desire　to　go　to　the　extreme　of　humiliation；　to　become　only　and　utterly　a　body；　the　body　her　mother　used　to　say　was　good　for　nothing　but　digesting　and　excreting。　And　as　she　voided　her　bowels；　Tereza　was　overcome　by　a　feeling　of　infinite　grief　and　loneliness。　Nothing　could　be　more　miserable　than　her　naked　body　perched　on　the　enlarged　end　of　a　sewer　pipe。
Her　soul　had　lost　its　onlooker's　curiosity；　its　malice　and　pride；　it　had　retreated　deep　into　the　body　again；　to　the　farthest　gut；　waiting　desperately　for　someone　to　call　it　out。
19
She　stood　up　from　the　toilet；　flushed　it；　and　went　into　the　anteroom。　The　soul　trembled　in　her　body；　her　naked；　spurned　body。　She　still　felt　on　her　anus　the　touch　of　the　paper　she　had　used　to　wipe　herself。
And　suddenly　something　unforgettable　occurred：　suddenly　she　felt　a　desire　to　go　in　to　him　and　hear　his　voice；　his　words。　If　he　spoke　to　her　in　a　soft；　deep　voice；　her　soul　would　take　courage　and　rise　to　the　surface　of　her　body；　and　she　would　burst　out　crying。　She　would　put　her　arms　around　him　the　way　she　had　put　her　arms　around　the　chestnut　tree's　thick　trunk　in　her　dream。
Standing　there　in　the　anteroom；　she　tried　to　withstand　the　strong　desire　to　burst　out　crying　in　his　presence。　She　knew　that　her　failure　to　withstand　it　would　have　ruinous　consequences。　She　would　fall　in　love　with　him。
Just　then；　his　voice　called　to　her　from　the　inner　room。　Now　that　she　heard　that　voice　by　itself　（divorced　from　the　engineer's　tall　stature）；　it　amazed　her：　it　was　high…pitched　and　thin。　How　could　she　have　ignored　it　all　this　time？
Perhaps　the　surprise　of　that　unpleasant　voice　was　what　saved　her　from　temptation。　She　went　inside；　picked　up　her　clothes　from　the　floor；　threw　them　on；　and　left。
20
She　had　done　her　shopping　and　was　on　her　way　home。　Karenin　had　the　usual　roll　in　his　mouth。　It　was　a　cold　morning；　there　was　a　slight　frost。　They　were　passing　a　housing　development；　where　in　the　spaces　between　buildings　the　tenants　maintained　small　flower　and　vegetable　gardens；　when　Karenin　suddenly　stood　stock　still　and　riveted　his　eyes　on　something。　She　looked　over；　but　co