生命不能承受之轻-第2节
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g on that evening and could not invite her to his place until the next day。 The moment he hung up; he reproached himself for not telling her to go straight there。 He had time enough to cancel his plans; after all! He tried to imagine what Tereza would do in Prague during the thirty…six long hours before they were to meet; and had half a mind to jump into his car and drive through the streets looking for her。
She arrived the next evening; a handbag dangling from her shoulder; looking more elegant than before。 She had a thick book under her arm。 It was Anna Karenina。 She seemed in a good mood; even a little boisterous; and tried to make him think she had just happened to drop in; things had just worked out that way: she was in Prague on business; perhaps (at this point she became rather vague) to find a job。
Later; as they lay naked and spent side by side on the bed; he asked her where she was staying。 It was night by then; and he offered to drive her there。 Embarrassed; she answered that she still had to find a hotel and had left her suitcase at the station。
Only two days ago; he had feared that if he invited her to Prague she would offer him up her life。 When she told him her suitcase was at the station; he immediately realized that the suitcase contained her life and that she had left it at the station only until she could offer it up to him。
The two of them got into his car; which was parked in front of the house; and drove to the station。 There he claimed the suitcase (it was large and enormously heavy) and took it and her home。
How had he come to make such a sudden decision when for nearly a fortnight he had wavered so much that he could not even bring himself to send a postcard asking her how she was?
He himself was surprised。 He had acted against his principles。 Ten years earlier; when he had divorced his wife; he celebrated the event the way others celebrate a marriage。 He understood he was not born to live side by side with any woman and could be fully himself only as a bachelor。 He tried to design his life in such a way that no woman could move in with a suitcase。 That was why his flat had only the one bed。 Even though it was wide enough; Tomas would tell his mistresses that he was unable to fall asleep with anyone next to him; and drive them home after midnight。 And so it was not the flu that kept him from sleeping with Tereza on her first visit。 The first night he had slept in his large armchair; and the rest of that week he drove each night to the hospital; where he had a cot in his office。
But this time he fell asleep by her side。 When he woke up the next morning; he found Tereza; who was still asleep; holding his hand。 Could they have been hand in hand all night? It was hard to believe。
And while she breathed the deep breath of sleep and held his hand (firmly: he was unable to disengage it from her grip); the enormously heavy suitcase stood by the bed。
He refrained from loosening his hand from her grip for fear of waking her; and turned carefully on his side to observe her better。
Again it occurred to him that Tereza was a child put in a pitch…daubed bulrush basket and sent downstream。 He couldn't very well let a basket with a child in it float down a stormy river! If the Pharaoh's daughter hadn't snatched the basket carrying little Moses from the waves; there would have been no Old Testament; no civilization as we now know it! How many ancient myths begin with the rescue of an abandoned child! If Polybus hadn't taken in the young Oedipus; Sophocles wouldn't have written his most beautiful tragedy!
Tomas did not realize at the time that metaphors are dangerous。 Metaphors are not to be trifled with。 A single metaphor can give birth to love。
5
He lived a scant two years with his wife; and they had a son。 At the divorce proceedings; the judge awarded the infant to its mother and ordered Tomas to pay a third of his salary for its support。 He also granted him the right to visit the boy every other week。
But each time Tomas was supposed to see him; the boy's mother found an excuse to keep him away。 He soon realized that bringing them expensive gifts would make things a good deal easier; that he was expected to bribe the mother for the son's love。 He saw a future of quixotic attempts to inculcate his views in the boy; views opposed in every way to the mother's。 The very thought of it exhausted him。 When; one Sunday; the boy's mother again canceled a scheduled visit; Tomas decided on the spur of the moment never to see him again。
Why should he feel more for that child; to whom he was bound by nothing but a single improvident night; than for any other? He would be scrupulous about paying support; he just didn't want anybody making him fight for his son in the name of paternal sentiments!
Needless to say; he found no sympathizers。 His own parents condemned him roundly: if Tomas refused to take an interest in his son; then they; Tomas's parents; would no longer take an interest in theirs。 They made a great show of maintaining good relations with their daughter…in…law and trumpeted their exemplary stance and sense of justice。
Thus in practically no time he managed to rid himself of wife; son; mother; and father。 The only thing they bequeathed to him was a fear of women。 Tomas desired but feared them。 Needing to create a compromise between fear and desire; he devised what he called erotic friendship。 He would tell his mistresses: the only relationship that can make both partners happy is one in which sentimentality has no place and neither partner makes any claim on the life and freedom of the other。
To ensure that erotic friendship never grew into the aggression of love; he would meet each of his long…term mistresses only at intervals。 He considered this method flawless and propagated it among his friends: The important thing is to abide by the rule of threes。 Either you see a woman three times in quick succession and then never again; or you maintain relations over the years but make sure that the rendezvous are at least three weeks apart。
The rule of threes enabled Tomas to keep intact his liaisons with some women while continuing to engage in short…term affairs with many others。 He was not always understood。 The woman who understood him best was Sabina。 She was a painter。 The reason I like you; she would say to him; is you're the complete opposite of kitsch。 In the kingdom of kitsch you would be a monster。
It was Sabina he turned to when he needed to find a job for Tereza in Prague。 Following the unwritten rules of erotic friendship; Sabina promised to do everything in her power; and before long she had in fact located a place for Tereza in the darkroom of an illustrated weekly。 Although her new job did not require any particular qualifications; it raised her status from waitress to member of the press。 When Sabina herself introduced Tereza to everyone on the weekly; Tomas knew he had never had a better friend as a mistress than Sabina。
6
The unwritten contract of erotic friendship stipulated that Tomas should exclude all love from his life。 The moment he violated that clause of the contract; his other mistresses would assume inferior status and become ripe for insurrection。
Accordingly; he rented a room for Tereza and her heavy suitcase。 He wanted to be able to watch over her; protect her; enjoy her presence; but felt no need to change his way of life。 He did not want word to get out that Tereza was sleeping at his place: spending the night together was the corpus delicti of love。
He never spent the night with the others。 It was easy enough if he was at their place: he could leave whenever he pleased。 It was worse when they were at his and he had to explain that come midnight he would have to drive them home because he was an insomniac and found it impossible to fall asleep in close proximity to another person。 Though it was not far from the truth; he never dared tell them the whole truth:
after making love he had an uncontrollable craving to be by himself; waking in the middle of the night at the side of an alien body was distasteful to him; rising in the morning with an intruder repellent; he had no desire to be overheard brushing his teeth in the bathroom; nor was he enticed by the thought of an intimate breakfast。
That is why he was so surprised to wake up and find Tereza squeezing his hand tightly。 Lying there looking at her; he could not quite understand what had happened。 But as he ran through the previous few hours in his mind; he began to sense an aura of hitherto unknown happiness emanating from them。
From that time on they both looked forward to sleeping together。 I might even say that the goal of their lovemaking was not so much pleasure as the sleep that followed it。 She especially was affected。 Whenever she stayed overnight in her rented room (which quickly became only an alibi for Tomas); she was unable to fall asleep; in his arms she would fall asleep no matter how wrought up she might have been。 He would whisper impromptu fairy tales about her; or gibberish; words he repeated monotonously; words soothing or comical; which turned into vague visions lulling her through the first dreams of the night。 He had complete control over her sleep: she dozed off at the second he chose。
While they s