苔斯-第13节

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‘I'll　obey　you，even　if　I　have　to　lie　down　and　die．’

‘How　good　of　you．But　it　seems　you　have　changed．In　the　past　you　were　keen　to　look　after　yourself．Now　you　are　keen　to　sacrifice　yourself．’

Clare's　bitter　words，however，were　not　fully　understood　by　Tess．She　only　knew　that　he　was　angry　with　her．She　stood　silent，not　knowing　that　he　was　struggling　with　his　love　for　her　She　did　not　observe　a　large　tear　rolling　slowly　down　his　cheek　He　was　realizing　what　a　change　Tess's　confession　had　made　to　his　whole　life．He　had　to　decide　on　some　action．

‘Tess，’he　said，as　gently　as　he　could，‘I　can't　stay　here　just　now．I'm　going　out．’

He　quietly　left　the　room．Two　glasses　of　wine，ready　for　their　supper，remained　untouched　on　the　table．Only　two　or　three　hours　earlier　they　had　drunk　tea　from　the　same　cup．

As　he　closed　the　door　behind　him，Tess　jumped　up．He　had　gone：she　could　not　stay．She　put　out　the　candles　and　followed　him　The　rain　was　over　and　the　night　was　now　clear．

Clare　walked　slowly　and　without　purpose．His　shape　was　black　and　frightening　She　walked　just　behind　him．There　was　water　on　the　road，where　the　stars　could　be　seen　reflected．　Away　from　the　house　the　road　went　through　the　fields．She　followed　Clare　as　a　dog　follows　its　owner．

Eventually　Tess　could　not　help　speaking　to　him．

‘What　have　I　done？Nothing　interferes　with　my　love　for　you．You　don't　think　I　planned　it，Angel，do　you？I　would　not　deceive　you　like　that！’　‘H'm，　well．No，maybe　you　would　not，but　you　are　not　the　same．No，not　the　same　But　don't　make　me　blame　you．’

She　went　on　begging　for　forgiveness．Perhaps　she　said　things　that　would　have　been　better　left　to　silence．

‘Angel！Angel！I　was　a　child　when　it　happened．I　knew　nothing　of　men．’

‘I　admit　it　was　not　so　much　your　fault　as　his．’

‘Then　won't　you　forgive　me？’

‘I　do　forgive　you，but　forgiveness　isn't　everything．’

‘And　do　you　love　me？’

He　did　not　answer　this　question．

‘Oh　Angel－my　mother　says　she　knows　several　cases　which　were　worse　than　mine，and　the　husband　has　not　minded　much　…well，he　has　accepted　it　at　least．And　in　those　cases　the　woman　hasn't　loved　him　as　I　love　you！’

‘Don't，Tess，don't　argue．Those　are　just　country　people's　ways．There　is　a　correct　way　of　doing　things．I　think　that　parson　who　discovered　you　were　a　d’Urberville　should　have　kept　quiet．Perhaps　you　were　weak　and　could　not　refuse　this　man　because　your　ancient　noble　blood　has　run　thin，because　your　family　is　no　good　any　more．I　thought　you　were　a　child　of　nature，but　you　have　the　worst　of　your　ancient　family　in　you！’

Tess　accepted　his　bitterness，not　understanding　the　details．　He　did　not　love　her　as　he　had　done，and　nothing　else　mattered．

They　went　on　again　in　silence．They　walked　slowly　for　hours，with　sad　anxious　faces，not　talking，one　behind　the　other，like　a　funeral　procession．　Tess　said　to　her　husband：

‘I　don't　want　to　cause　you　sadness　all　your　life．The　river　is　down　there．I　can　put　an　end　to　myself　in　it．I'm　not　afraid．’

‘Don't　talk　like　that．Do　what　I　ask，go　back　to　the　house　and　go　to　bed．’

‘I　will，’she　said　obediently．

When　she　returned　to　the　house，she　found　everything　as　they　had　left　it　and　the　fire　still　burning　She　went　to　the　bedroom．There　was　a　mistletoe　branch　hanging　above　the　bed．　Now　she　understood　why　Angel　had　brought　a　strange　parcel　with　him．It　was　to　surprise　her．He　had　delightedly　hung　it　there．Now　it　looked　foolish　and　out　of　place．

As　she　had　nothing　more　to　fear，and　nothing　more　to　hope　for，she　lay　down．In　a　few　moments　lonely　Tess　was　asleep，　in　the　bedroom　once　used　by　the　young　wives　of　her　ancestor．

Later　on　that　night　Clare　also　came　back　to　the　house．He　prepared　a　bed　downstairs，but　crept　shoeless　upstairs　to　see　if　Tess　was　asleep．He　was　relieved　to　see　her　sleeping　deeply．　And　yet　he　felt　he　alone　had　the　whole　worry　of　what　action　to　take，and　the　responsibility　for　her　life　as　well　as　his．He　turned　away　from　her　door，and　then　turned　back　again，　pulled　by　his　love　for　her．But　his　eye　was　caught　by　a　painting　on　the　wall　of　one　of　Tess's　ancestors，a　proud　fierce　woman，　who　looked　as　if　she　hated　and　wanted　to　deceive　all　men．He　thought　she　and　Tess　looked　alike．That　was　enough　to　stop　him，and　he　went　downstairs　to　his　lonely　bed．

He　looked　calm　and　cold，full　of　self…control．His　face　showed　he　had　fought　against　passion　and　won，but　did　not　like　being　the　winner．He　still　found　it　difficult　to　accept　that　Tess，the　pure　village　maiden，was　not　what　she　seemed．　How　unexpected　life　could　be！He　put　out　the　candle．The　night　came　in，unconcerned　and　uninterested，the　night　which　had　swallowed　up　his　happiness．　

　　



　



15

　　

When　Clare　woke　up　the　next　morning，the　sky　was　grey　and　the　sun　was　not　shining．The　fireplace　in　the　room　was　full　of　cold　ashes．The　two　full　glasses　of　wine　still　stood　untouched　on　the　table．

When　the　cleaning　woman　came，he　sent　her　away，not　wanting　a　third　person　in　the　house　He　found　wood　to　make　a　fire，and　prepared　breakfast．People　passing　the　farmhouse　saw　the　smoke　rising　from　the　chimney，and　envied　the　newly…　married　couple　in　their　happiness．

‘Breakfast　is　ready！’he　called　upstairs　in　a　normal　voice．

Tess　came　down　immediately．She　was　already　dressed，but　her　hands　and　face　were　cold．She　had　no　fire　in　her　bedroom，　where　she　had　been　sitting　waiting　for　his　call，and　staring　at　the　dying　mistletoe．Clare's　polite　words　gave　her　a　moment　of　hope，which　died，however，when　she　saw　his　face．

They　were　both，in　fact，the　ashes　of　their　former　fires．　After　last　night's　passionate　sorrow，they　both　felt　heavy　and　lacking　in　energy．

Tess　went　up　to　Angel，touching　him　lightly　with　her　fingers．Was　this　really　the　man　who　once　loved　her？　Her　eyes　were　bright，her　cheeks　still　round，but　her　lips　were　pale．　She　looked　absolutely　pure．Angel　looked　at　her　in　wonder．　‘Tess！Say　it　isn't　true！It　can't　be　true！’　‘It　is　true．’　

‘Every　word？’

‘Every　word．’

He　world　almost　have　preferred　her　to　lie，so　that　he　could　believe　her　blindly，but　she　repeated，‘It　is　true．’

‘Is　he　living？’asked　Angel．

‘The　baby　died．’

‘But　the　man？’

‘He　is　alive．’

‘Is　he　in　England？’

‘Yes．’

Despair　passed　over　Clare's　face．He　moved　vaguely　around　the　room．

‘Look，’he　said，‘I　thought—any　man　would　have　thought－that　if　I　didn't　look　for　knowledge，good　family，　and　wealth　in　a　wife，if　I　sacrificed　all　that，I　would　be　sure　of　finding　a　country　girl　who　was　at　least　pure…　but…　but　I　should　not　accuse　you．’

Tess　understood　his　feelings　perfectly．She　saw　that　he　had　lost　in　every　way．

‘Angel—I　would　not　have　married　you　if　I　had　not　known　that，after　all，there　is　a　way　out　for　you…　only　I　hoped　you　would　never…　’She　was　close　to　tears．

‘A　way　out？’

‘You　can　divorce　me．’

‘Good　heavens！How　can　you　be　so　stupid？How　can　I　divorce　you？’

‘Can't　you，now　I　have　told　you　everything？’

‘Oh　Tess，you　are　so　childish！You　don't　understand　the　law．No，I　can't．’

There　was　shame　and　misery　in　Tess's　face．

‘I　thought　you　could，’she　whispered．‘Don't　think　I　planned　this！I　really　believed　you　could　take　that　way　out．Oh，then　I　ought　to　have　done　it　last　night．But　I　didn't　have　the　courage．That's　just　like　me！’

‘The　courage　to　do　what？’he　asked．

‘To　put　an　end　to　myself．’

‘Where？’

‘In　the　bedroom，under　your　mistletoe．With　the　rope　from　my　box．But　I　couldn't　in　the　end！I　was　afraid　that　people　would　talk　and　you　would　suffer　from　that．’

Clare　was　shaken　by　this　unexpected　confession．

‘Now，listen．You　must　never　think　of　such　a　wicked　thing　again．Promise　me　as　your　husband　never　to　do　anything　like　that．’

‘I　promise．I　see　it　was　wicked．But，Angel，it　was　to　set　you　free，and　to　avoid　a　divorce，which　everyone　would　talk　about．But　dying　by　my　own　hand　is　too　good　for　me．You，my　husband，should　kill　me．I　think　I　would　love　you　more，if　that　were　possible，if　you　could　bring　yourself　to　do　it．I　am　so　much　in　your　way！’

‘Quiet！Don't　talk　about　it．’

‘Well，just　as　you　wish．I　will　do　whatever　you　like．’They　sat　down　to　breakfast，tired　and　sad．They　did　not　look　at　each　other　and　they　did　not　eat　much．Angel　left　soon　afterwards　to　start　his　studies　at　the　flour－mill　nearby．Tess　cleared　the　ashes　from　the　fireplace，cleaned　the　house　and　prepared　the　lunch，waiting　for　his　return．At　lunch　they　talked　politely　of　work　at　the　flour－mill　and　methods　of　milling．In　the　afternoon　he　went　back　to　the　mill，and　in　the　evening　he　studied　his　books　and　papers．Tess　felt　she　was　in　his　way　and　went　to　the　kitchen．He　came　to　find　her　there．

‘Don't　work　in　the　kitchen　like　this，’he　said．‘You're　not　my　servant，you're　my　wife．’

She　looked　happier．‘You　mean，I　can　think　of　myself　as　that？’She　asked，trembling．

‘What　do　you　mean，Tess？You　are　my　wife，of　course．’

‘I　don't　know，she　said，with　tears　in　her　eyes．‘I　told　you　long　ago　I　wasn't　good　enough　for　you．And　I'm　not　good　enough！I　was　ri