how to fail in literature-第5节

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venal　and　corrupt　and　members　of　the　Something　Club；　add　that　YOU　are

no　member　of　a　coterie　nor　clique；　but　that　you　hope　an　exception

will　be　made；　and　that　your　volume　will　be　applauded　on　its　merits。

You　will　thus　have　done　what　in　you　lies　to　secure　silence　from

reviewers；　and　to　make　them　request　that　your　story　may　be　sent　to

some　other　critic。　　This；　again；　gives　trouble；　and　makes　people

detest　you　and　your　performance；　and　contributes　to　the　end　which　you

have　steadily　in　view。



I　do　not　think　it　is　necessary　to　warn　young　lady　novelists；　who

possess　beauty；　wealth；　and　titles；　against　asking　Reviewers　to　dine；

and　treating　them　as　kindly；　almost；　as　the　Fairy　Paribanou　treated

Prince　Ahmed。　　They　only　act　thus；　I　fear；　in　Mr。　William　Black's

novels。



Much　may　be　done　by　re…writing　your　book　on　the　proof　sheets；

correcting　everything　there　which　you　should　have　corrected　in

manuscript。　　This　is　an　expensive　process；　and　will　greatly　diminish

your　pecuniary　gains；　or　rather　will　add　to　your　publisher's　bill；

for　the　odds　are　that　you　will　have　to　publish　at　your　own　expense。

By　the　way；　an　author　can　make　almost　a　certainty　of　disastrous

failure；　by　carrying　to　some　small　obscure　publisher　a　work　which　has

been　rejected　by　the　best　people　in　the　trade。　　Their　rejections　all

but　demonstrate　that　your　book　is　worthless。　　If　you　think　you　are

likely　to　make　a　good　thing　by　employing　an　obscure　publisher；　with

little　or　no　capital；　then；　as　some　one　in　Thucydides　remarks；

congratulating　you　on　your　simplicity；　I　do　not　envy　your　want　of

common　sense。　　Be　very　careful　to　enter　into　a　perfectly　preposterous

agreement。　　For　example；　accept　〃half　profits；〃　but　forget　to　observe

that　before　these　are　reckoned；　it　is　distinctly　stated　in　your

〃agreement〃　that　the　publisher　is　to　pay　HIMSELF　some　twenty　per

cent。　on　the　price　of　each　copy　sold　before　you　get　your　share。



Here　is　〃another　way；〃　as　the　cookery　books　have　it。　　In　your

gratitude　to　your　first　publisher；　covenant　with　him　to　let　him　have

all　the　cheap　editions　of　all　your　novels　for　the　next　five　years；　at

his　own　terms。　　If；　in　spite　of　the　advice　I　have　given　you；　you

somehow　manage　to　succeed；　to　become　wildly　popular；　you　will　still

have　reserved　to　yourself；　by　this　ingenious　clause；　a　chance　of

ineffable　pecuniary　failure。　　A　plan　generally　approved　of　is　to　sell

your　entire　copyright　in　your　book　for　a　very　small　sum。　　You　want

the　ready　money；　and　perhaps　you　are　not　very　hopeful。　　But；　when

your　book　is　in　all　men's　hands；　when　you　are　daily　reviled　by　the

small　fry　of　paragraphers；　when　the　publisher　is　clearing　a　thousand

a　year　by　it；　while　you　only　got　a　hundred　down；　then　you　will　thank

me；　and　will　acknowledge　that；　in　spite　of　apparent　success；　you　are

a　failure　after　all。　　There　are　publishers；　however；　so　inconsiderate

that　they　will　not　leave　you　even　this　consolation。　　Finding　that　the

book　they　bought　cheap　is　really　valuable；　they　will　insist　on

sharing　the　profits　with　the　author；　or　on　making　him　great　presents

of　money　to　which　he　has　no　legal　claim。　　Some　persons；　some　authors；

cannot　fail　if　they　would；　so　wayward　is　fortune；　and　such　a　Quixotic

idea　of　honesty　have　some　middlemen　of　literature。　　But；　of　course；

you　MAY　light　on　a　publisher　who　will　not　give　you　MORE　than　you

covenanted　for；　and　then　you　can　go　about　denouncing　the　whole

profession　as　a　congregation　of　robbers　and　clerks　of　St。　Nicholas。



The　ways　of　failure　are　infinite；　and　of　course　are　not　nearly

exhausted。　　One　good　plan　is　never　to　be　yourself　when　you　write；　to

put　in　nothing　of　your　own　temperament；　manner；　characteror　to　have

none；　which　does　as　well。　　Another　favourite　method　is　to　offer　the

wrong　kind　of　article；　to　send　to　the　Cornhill　an　essay　on　the

evolution　of　the　Hittite　syllabary；　（for　only　one　author　could　make

THAT　popular；）　or　a　sketch　of　cock　fighting　among　the　ancients　to　the

Monthly　Record；　or　an　essay　on　Ayahs　in　India　to　an　American

magazine；　or　a　biography　of　Washington　or　Lincoln　to　any　English

magazine　whatever。　　We　have　them　every　month　in　some　American

periodicals；　and　our　poor　insular　serials　can　get　on　without　them：

〃have　no　use　for　them。〃



It　is　a　minor；　though　valuable　scheme；　to　send　poems　on　Christmas　to

magazines　about　the　beginning　of　December；　because；　in　fact；　the

editors　have　laid　in　their　stock　of　that　kind　of　thing　earlier。

Always　insist　on　SEEING　an　editor；　instead　of　writing　to　him。　　There

is　nothing　he　hates　so　much；　unless　you　are　very　young　and　beautiful

indeed；　when；　perhaps；　if　you　wish　to　fail　you　had　better　NOT　pay　him

a　visit　at　the　office。　　Even　if　you　do；　even　if　you　were　as　fair　as

the　Golden　Helen；　he　is　not　likely　to　put　in　your　compositions　if；　as

is　probable；　they　fall　MUCH　below　the　level　of　his　magazine。



A　good　way　of　making　yourself　a　dead　failure　is　to　go　about　accusing

successful　people　of　plagiarising　from　books　or　articles　of　yours

which　did　not　succeed；　and；　perhaps；　were　never　published　at　all。　　By

encouraging　this　kind　of　vanity　and　spite　you　may　entirely　destroy

any　small　powers　you　once　happened　to　possess；　you　will；　besides；

become　a　person　with　a　grievance；　and；　in　the　long　run；　will　be

shunned　even　by　your　fellow　failures。　　Again；　you　may　plagiarise

yourself；　if　you　can；　it　is　not　easy；　but　it　is　a　safe　way　to　fail　if

you　can　manage　it。　　No　successful　person；　perhaps；　was　ever；　in　the

strict　sense；　a　plagiarist；　though　charges　of　plagiary　are　always

brought　against　everybody；　from　Virgil　to　Milton；　from　Scott　to

Moliere；　who　attains　success。　　When　you　are　accused　of　being　a

plagiarist；　and　shewn　up　in　double　columns；　you　may　be　pretty　sure

that　all　this　counsel　has　been　wasted　on　you；　and　that　you　have

failed　to　fail；　after　all。　　Otherwise　nobody　would　envy　and　malign

you；　and　garble　your　book；　and　print　quotations　from　it　which　you　did

not　write；　all　in　the　sacred　cause　of　morality。



Advice　on　how　to　secure　the　reverse　of　success　should　not　be　given　to

young　authors　alone。　　Their　kinsfolk　and　friends；　also；　can　do　much

for　their　aid。　　A　lady　who　feels　a　taste　for　writing　is　very　seldom

allowed　to　have　a　quiet　room；　a　quiet　study。　　If　she　retreats　to　her

chill　and　fireless　bed　chamber；　even　there　she　may　be　chevied　by　her

brothers；　sisters；　and　mother。　　It　is　noticed　that　cousins；　and

aunts；　especially　aunts；　are　of　high　service　in　this　regard。　　They

never　give　an　intelligent　woman　an　hour　to　herself。



〃Is　Miss　Mary　in？〃



〃Yes；　ma'am；　but　she　is　very　busy。〃



〃Oh；　she　won't　mind　me；　I　don't　mean　to　stay　long。〃



Then　in　rushes　the　aunt。



〃Over　your　books　again：　　my　dear！　　You　really　should　not　overwork

yourself。　　Writing　something〃；　here　the　aunt　clutches　the　manuscript；

and　looks　at　it　vaguely。



〃Well；　I　dare　say　it's　very　clever；　but　I　don't　care　for　this　kind　of

thing　myself。　　Where's　your　mother？　　Is　Jane　better？　　Now；　do　tell

me；　do　you　get　much　for　writing　all　that？　　Do　you　send　it　to　the

printers；　or　where？　　How　interesting；　and　that　reminds　me；　you　that

are　a　novelist；　have　you　heard　how　shamefully　Miss　Baxter　was　treated

by　Captain　Smith？　　No；　well　you　might　make　something　out　of　it。〃



Here　follows　the　anecdote；　at　prodigious　length；　and　perfectly

incoherent。



〃Now；　write　THAT；　and　I　shall　always　say　I　was　partly　the　author。

You　really　should　give　me　a　commission；　you　know。　　Well；　good　bye；

tell　your　mother　I　called。　　Why；　there　she　is；　I　declare。　　Oh；　Susan；

just　come　and　hear　the　delightful　plot　for　a　novel　that　I　have　been

giving　Mary。〃



And　then　she　begins　again；　only　further　back；　this　time。



It　is　thus　that　the　aunts　of　England　may　and　do　assist　their　nieces

to　fail　in　literature。　　Many　and　many　a　morning　do　they　waste；　many　a

promising　fancy　have　they　blighted；　many　a　temper　have　they　spoiled。



Sisters　are　rather　more　sympathetic：　　the　favourite　plan　of　the

brother　is　to　say；　〃Now；　Mary；　read　us　your　new　chapter。〃



Mary　reads　it；　and　the　critic　exclaims；　〃Well；　of　all　the　awful　Rot！

Now；　why　can't　you　do　something　like　Bootles's　Baby？〃



Fathers　never　take　any　interest　in　the　business　at　all：　　they　do　not

count。　　The　sympathy　of　a　mother　may　be　reckoned　on；　but　not　her

judgement；　for　she　is　either　wildly　favourable；　or；　mistrusting　her

own　tendencies；　is　more　diffident　than　need　be。　　The　most　that

relations　can　do　for　the　end　before　us　is　to　worry；　interrupt；

deride；　and　tease　the　literary　member　of　the　family。　　They　seldom

fail　in　these　duties；　and　not　even　success；　as　a　rule；　can　persuade

them　that　there　is　anything　in　it　but　〃luck。〃



Perhaps　reviewing　is　not　exactly　a　form　of　literature。　　But　it　has

this　merit　that　people　who　review　badly；　not　only　fail　themselves；

but　help　others　to　fail；　by　giving　a　bad　idea　of　their　works。　　You

will；　of　course；　never　read　the　books　you　review；　and　you　will　be

exhaustively　ignorant　of　t