how to fail in literature-第4节

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To　the　whisper　that　is　welling

From　the　far　off　happy　shore。



If　you　are　not　satisfied　with　these　simple　ways　of　not　succeeding；

please　try　the　Grosvenor　Gallery　style。　　Here　the　great　point　is　to

make　the　rhyme　arrive　at　the　end　of　a　very　long　word；　you　should　also

be　free　with　your　alliterations。





LULLABY。



When　the　sombre　night　is　dumb；

Hushed　the　loud　chrysanthemum；

Sister；　sleep！

Sleep；　the　lissom　lily　saith；

Sleep；　the　poplar　whispereth；

Soft　and　deep！



Filmy　floats　the　wild　woodbine；

Jonquil；　jacinth；　jessamine；

Float　and　flow。

Sleeps　the　water　wild　and　wan；

As　in　far　off　Toltecan

Mexico。



See；　upon　the　sun…dial；

Waves　the　midnight's　misty　pall；

Waves　and　wakes。

As；　in　tropic　Timbuctoo；

Water　beasts　go　plashing　through

Lilied　lakes！





Alliteration　is　a　splendid　source　of　failure　in　this　sort　of　poetry；

and　adjectives　like　lissom；　filmy；　weary；　weird；　strange；　make；　or

ought　to　make；　the　rejection　of　your　manuscript　a　certainty。　　The

poem　should；　as　a　rule；　seem　to　be　addressed　to　an　unknown　person；

and　should　express　regret　and　despair　for　circumstances　in　the　past

with　which　the　reader　is　totally　unacquainted。　　Thus：





GHOSTS。



We　met　at　length；　as　Souls　that　sit

At　funeral　feast；　and　taste　of　it；

And　empty　were　the　words　we　said；

As　fits　the　converse　of　the　dead；

For　it　is　long　ago；　my　dear；

Since　we　two　met　in　living　cheer；

Yea；　we　have　long　been　ghosts；　you　know；

And　alien　ways　we　twain　must　go；

Nor　shall　we　meet　in　Shadow　Land；

Till　Time's　glass；　empty　of　its　sand；

Is　filled　up　of　Eternity。

Farewellenough　for　once　to　die　…

And　far　too　much　it　is　to　dream；

And　taste　not　the　Lethaean　stream；

But　bear　the　pain　of　loves　unwed

Even　here；　even　here；　among　the　dead！





That　is　a　cheerful　intelligible　kind　of　melody；　which　is　often

practised　with　satisfactory　results。　　Every　form　of　imitation

（imitating　of　course　only　the　faults　of　a　favourite　writer）　is　to　be

recommended。



Imitation　does　a　double　service；　it　secures　the　failure　of　the

imitator　and　also　aids　that　of　the　unlucky　author　who　is　imitated。

As　soon　as　a　new　thing　appears　in　literature；　many　people　hurry　off

to　attempt　something　of　the　same　sort。　　It　may　be　a　particular　trait

and　accent　in　poetry；　and　the　public；　weary　of　the　mimicries；　begin

to　dislike　the　original。





〃Most　can　grow　the　flowers　now；

For　all　have　got　the　seed；

And　once　again　the　people

Call　it　but　a　weed。〃





In　fiction；　if　somebody　brings　in　a　curious　kind　of　murder；　or　a

study　of　religious　problems；　or　a　treasure　hunt；　or　what　you　will；

others　imitate　till　the　world　is　weary　of　murders；　or　theological

flirtations；　or　the　search　for　buried　specie；　and　the　original

authors　themselves　will　fail；　unless　they　fish　out　something　new；　to

be　vulgarised　afresh。　　Therefore；　imitation　is　distinctly　to　be　urged

on　the　young　author。



As　a　rule；　his　method　is　this；　he　reads　very　little；　but　all　that　he

reads　is　BAD。　　The　feeblest　articles　in　the　weakliest　magazines；　the

very　mildest　and　most　conventional　novels　appear　to　be　the　only

studies　of　the　majority。　　Apparently　the　would…be　contributor　says　to

himself；　or　herself；　〃well；　_I_　can　do　something　almost　on　the　level

of　this　or　that　maudlin　and　invertebrate　novel。〃　　Then　he

deliberately　sits　down　to　rival　the　most　tame；　dull；　and　illiterate

compositions　that　get　into　print。　　In　this　way　bad　authors　become　the

literary　parents　of　worse　authors。　　Nobody　but　a　reader　of　MSS。　knows

what　myriads　of　fiction　are　written　without　one　single　new　situation；

original　character；　or　fresh　thought。　　The　most　out…worn　ideas：

sudden　loss　of　fortune；　struggles；　faithlessness　of　First　Lover；

noble　conduct　of　Second　Lover：　　frivolity　of　younger　sister；

excellence　of　mother：　　naughtiness　of　one　son；　virtue　of　another；

these　are　habitually　served　up　again　and　again。　　On　the　sprained

ankles；　the　mad　bulls；　the　fires；　and　other　simple　devices　for　doing

without　an　introduction　between　hero　and　heroine　I　need　not　dwell。

The　very　youngest　of　us　is　acquainted　with　these　expedients；　which；

by　this　time　of　day；　will　spell　failure。



The　common　novels　of　Governess　life；　the　daughters　and　granddaughters

of　Jane　Eyre；　still　run　riot　among　the　rejected　manuscripts。　　The

lively　large　family；　all　very　untidy　and　humorous；　all　wearing　each

other's　boots　and　gloves；　and　making　their　dresses　out　of　bedroom

curtains　and　marrying　rich　men；　still　rushes　down　the　easy　descent　to

failure。　　The　sceptical　curate　is　at　large；　and　is　disbelieving　in

everything　except　the　virtues　of　the　young　woman　who　〃has　a　history。〃

Mr。　Swinburne　hopes　that　one　day　the　last　unbelieving　clergyman　will

disappear　in　the　embrace　of　the　last　immaculate　Magdalen；　as　the

Princess　and　the　Geni　burn　each　other　to　nothingness；　in　the　Arabian

Nights。　　On　that　happy　day　there　will　be　one　less　of　the　roads

leading　to　failure。　　If　the　pair　can　carry　with　them　the　self…

sacrificing　characters　who　take　the　blame　of　all　the　felonies　that

they　did　not　do；　and　the　nice　girl　who　is　jilted　by　the　poet；　and

finds　that　the　squire　was　the　person　whom　she　REALLY　loved；　so　much

the　better。　　If　not　only　Monte　Carlo；　but　the　inevitable　scene　in　the

Rooms　there　can　be　abolished；　if　the　Riviera；　and　Italy　can　be

removed　from　the　map　of　Europe　as　used　by　novelists；　so　much　the

better。　　But　failure　will　always　be　secured；　while　the　huge　majority

of　authors　do　not　aim　high；　but　aim　at　being　a　little　lower　than　the

last　domestic　drivel　which　came　out　in　three　volumes；　or　the　last

analysis　of　the　inmost　self　of　some　introspective　young　girl　which

crossed　the　water　from　the　States。



These　are　general　counsels；　and　apply　to　the　production　of　books。

But；　when　you　have　done　your　book；　you　may　play　a　number　of　silly

tricks　with　your　manuscript。　　I　have　already　advised　you　to　make　only

one　copy；　a　rough　one；　as　that　secures　negligence　in　your　work；　and

also　disgusts　an　editor　or　reader。　　It　has　another　advantage；　you　may

lose　your　copy　altogether；　and；　as　you　have　not　another；　no　failure

can　be　more　complete。　　The　best　way　of　losing　it；　I　think　and　the

safest；　is　to　give　it　to　somebody　you　know　who　has　once　met　some　man

or　woman　of　letters。。　　This　somebody　must　be　instructed　to　ask　that

busy　and　perhaps　casual　and　untidy　person　to　read　your　manuscript；

and　〃place〃　it；　that　is；　induce　some　poor　publisher　or　editor　to　pay

for　and　publish　it。　　Now　the　man；　or　woman　of　letters；　will　use

violent　language　on　receiving　your　clumsy　brown　paper　parcel　of

illegible　wares；　because　he　or　she　has　no　more　to　do　with　the　matter

than　the　crossing　sweeper。　　The　MS。　will　either　be　put　away　so

carefully　that　it　can　never　be　found　again；　or　will　be　left　lying

about　so　that　the　housemaid　may　use　it　for　her　own　domestic　purposes；

like　Betty　Barnes；　the　cook　of　Mr。　Warburton；　who　seems　to　have

burned　several　plays　of　Shakespeare。



The　MS。　in　short　will　go　where　the　old　moons　go。





And　all　dead　days　drift　thither；

And　all　disastrous　things。





Not　only　can　you　secure　failure　thus　yourself；　but　you　can　so　worry

and　badger　your　luckless　victim；　that　he　too　will　be　unable　to　write

well　till　he　has　forgotten　you　and　your　novel；　and　all　the　annoyance

and　anxiety　you　have　given　him。　　Much　may　be　done　by　asking　him　for

〃introductions〃　to　an　editor　or　publisher。　　These　gentry　don't　want

introductions；　they　want　good　books；　and　very　seldom　get　them。　　If

you　behave　thus；　the　man　whom　you　are　boring　will　write　to　his

publisher：





Dear　Brown；



A　wretched　creature；　who　knows　my　great　aunt；　asks　me　to　recommend

his　rubbish　to　you。　　I　send　it　by　today's　post；　and　I　wish　you　joy　of

it。





This　kind　of　introduction　will　do　you　excellent　service　in　smoothing

the　path　to　failure。　　You　can　arrive　at　similar　results　by　sending

your　MS。　NOT　to　the　editor　of　this　or　that　magazine；　but　to　some　one

who；　as　you　have　been　told　by　some　nincompoop；　is　the　editor；　and　who

is　NOT。　　He　MAY　lose　your　book；　or　he　may　let　it　lie　about　for

months；　or　he　may　send　it　on　at　once　to　the　real　editor　with　his

bitter　malison。　　The　utmost　possible　vexation　is　thus　inflicted　on

every　hand；　and　a　prejudice　is　established　against　you　which　the

nature　of　your　work　is　very　unlikely　to　overcome。　　By　all　means　bore

many　literary　strangers　with　correspondence；　this　will　give　them　a

lively　recollection　of　your　name；　and　an　intense　desire　to　do　you　a

bad　turn　if　opportunity　arises。　｛6｝



If　your　book　does；　in　spite　of　all；　get　itself　published；　send　it

with　your　compliments　to　critics　and　ask　them　for　favourable　reviews。

It　is　the　publisher's　business　to　send　out　books　to　the　editors　of

critical　papers；　but　never　mind　THAT。　　Go　on　telling　critics　that　you

know　praise　is　only　given　by　favour；　that　they　are　all　more　or　less

venal　and　corrupt　and　members　of　the　Something　Club；　add