hard times(艰难时世)-第63节
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make him raise his head sometimes； as if he were rather
remonstrating with the elements。 When it thundered very loudly；
he glanced towards Coketown； having it in his mind that some of
the tall chimneys might be struck by lightning。
The thunder was rolling into distance； and the rain was pouring
down like a deluge； when the door of his room opened。 He looked
round the lamp upon his table； and saw； with amazement； his
eldest daughter。
“Louisa！”
“Father； I want to speak to you。”
“What is the matter？ How strange you look！ And good Heaven；”
said Mr Gradgrind； wondering more and more； “have you come
here exposed to this storm？”
She put her hands to her dress； as if she hardly knew。
“Yes。” Then she uncovered her head； and letting her cloak and
hood fall where they might； stood looking at him； so colourless； so
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dishevelled； so defiant and despairing； that he was afraid of her。
“What is it？ I conjure you； Louisa； tell me what is the matter。”
She dropped into a chair before him； and put her cold hand on
his arm。
“Father； you have trained me from my cradle？”
“Yes； Louisa。”
“I curse the hour in which I was born to such a destiny。”
He looked at her in doubt and dread； vacantly repeating；
“Curse the hour？ Curse the hour？”
“How could you give me life； and take from me all the
inappreciable things that raise it from the state of conscious
death？ Where are the graces of my soul？ Where are the
sentiments of my heart？ What have you done； O father； what have
you done； with the garden that should have bloomed once； in this
great wilderness here！”
She struck herself with both her hands upon her bosom。
“If it had ever been here； its ashes alone would save me from
the void in which my whole life sinks。 I did not mean to say this；
but； father； you remember the last time we conversed in this
room？”
He had been so wholly unprepared for what he heard now； that
it was with difficulty he answered； “Yes； Louise。”
“What has risen to my lips now； would have risen to my lips
then； if you had given me a moment’s help。 I don’t reproach you；
father。 What you have never nurtured in me； you have never
nurtured in yourself； but O！ if you had only done so long ago； or if
you had only neglected me； what a much better and much happier
creature I should have been this day！”
On hearing this； after all his care； he bowed his head upon his
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hand and groaned aloud。
“Father； if you had known； when we were last together here；
what even I feared while I strove against it—as it has been my task
from infancy to strive against every natural prompting that has
arisen in my heart； if you had known that there lingered in my
breast； sensibilities； affections； weaknesses capable of being
cherished into strength； defying all the calculations ever made by
man； and no more known to his arithmetic than his Creator is；—
would you have given me to the husband whom I am now sure
that I hate？”
He said； “No。 No； my poor child。”
“Would you have doomed me； at any time； to the frost and
blight that have hardened and spoiled me？ Would you have
robbed me—for one’s enrichment—only for the greater desolation
of this world—of the immaterial part of my life； the spring and
summer of my belief； my refuge from what is sordid and bad in the
real things around me； my school in which I should have learned
to be more humble and more trusting with them； and to hope in
my little sphere to make them better？”
“O no； no。 No； Louisa。”
“Yet； father； if I had been stone blind； if I had groped my way
by my sense of touch； and had been free； while I knew the shapes
and surfaces of things； to exercise my fancy somewhat； in regard
to them； I should have been a million times wiser； happier； more
loving； more contended； more innocent and human in all good
respects； than I am with the eyes I have。 Now； hear what I have
come to say。”
He moved； to support her with his arm。 She rising as he did so；
they stood close together： she； with a hand upon his shoulder；
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looking fixedly in his face。
“With a hunger and thirst upon me； father； which have never
been for a moment appeased； with an ardent impulse towards
some region where rules； and figures； and definitions were not
quite absolute； I have grown up； battling every inch of my way。”
“I never knew you were unhappy； my child。”
“Father； I always knew it。 In this strife I have almost repulsed
and crushed my better angel into a demon。 What I have learned
has left me doubting； misbelieving； despising； regretting； what I
have not learned； and my dismal resource has been to think that
life would soon go by； and that nothing in it could be worth the
pain and trouble of a contest。”
“And you so young； Louisa！” he said with pity。
“And I so young。 In this condition； father—for I show you now；
without fear or favour； the ordinary deadened state of my mind as
I know it—you proposed my husband to me。 I took him。 I never
made a pretence to him or you that I love him。 I knew； and； father；
you knew； and he knew； that I never did。 I was not wholly
indifferent； for I had a hope of being pleasant and useful to Tom。 I
made that wild escape into something visionary； and have slowly
found out how wild it was。 But Tom had been the subject of all the
little tenderness of my life； perhaps he became so because I knew
so well how to pity him。 It matters little now； except as it may
dispose you think more leniently of his errors。”
As her father held her in his arms； she put her other hand upon
his other shoulder； and still looking fixedly in his face went on。
“When I was irrevocably married； there rose up into rebellion
against the tie； the old strife； made fiercer by all those causes of
disparity which arise out of our two individual natures； and which
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no general laws shall ever rule or state for me； father； until they
shall be able to direct the anatomist where to strike his knife into
the secrets of my soul。”
“Louisa！” he said； and said imploringly； for he well
remembered what had passed between them in their former
interview。
“I do not reproach you； father； I make no complaint。 I am here
with another object。”
“What can I do； child？ Ask me what you will。”
“I am coming to it。 Father； chance then threw into my way a
new acquaintance； a man such as I had had no experience of； used
to the world； light； polished； easy； making no pretences； avowing
the low estimate of everything； that I was half afraid to form in
secret； conveying to me almost immediately； though I don’t know
how or by what degrees； that he understood me； and read my
thoughts。 I could not find that he was worse than I。 These seemed
to be a near affinity between us。 I only wondered it should be
worth his while； who cared for nothing else； to care to so much for
me。”
“For you； Louisa？”
Her father might instinctively have loosened his hold； but that
he felt her strength departing from her； and saw a wild dilating
fire in the eyes steadfastly regarding him。
“I say nothing of his plea for claiming my
