the ways of men(人们的手段)-第2节
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protection of dumb brutes and helpless children。 Will no attempt be made
to alleviate this other form of suffering； which has apparently escaped the
eye of the reformer？
The animal kingdom is divided … like all Gaul … into three divisions：
wild beasts； that are obliged to hustle for themselves； laboring and
producing animals； for which man provides because they are useful to him
… and dogs！ Of all created things on our globe the canine race have the
softest 〃snap。〃 The more one thinks about this curious exception in their
favor the more unaccountable it appears。 We neglect such wild things as
we do not slaughter； and exact toil from domesticated animals in return for
their keep。 Dogs alone； shirking all cares and labor； live in idle comfort at
man's expense。
When that painful family jar broke up the little garden party in Eden
and forced our first parents to work or hunt for a living； the original Dog
（equally disgusted with either alternative） hit on the luminous idea of
posing as the champion of the disgraced couple； and attached himself to
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Adam and Eve； not that he approved of their conduct； but simply because
he foresaw that if he made himself companionable and cosy he would be
asked to stay to dinner。
From that day to the present； with the exception of occasionally
watching sheep and houses … a lazy occupation at the best … and a little
light carting in Belgium （dogs were given up as turn…spits centuries ago；
because they performed that duty badly）； no canine has raised a paw to do
an honest day's work； neither has any member of the genus been known
voluntarily to perform a useful act。
How then … one asks one's self in a wonder … did the myth originate
that Dog was the friend of Man？ Like a multitude of other fallacies taught
to innocent children； this folly must be unlearned later。 Friend of man；
indeed！ Why； the 〃Little Brothers of the Rich〃 are guileless philanthropists
in comparison with most canines； and unworthy to be named in the same
breath with them。 Dogs discovered centuries ago that to live in luxury； it
was only necessary to assume an exaggerated affection for some wealthy
mortal； and have since proved themselves past masters in a difficult art in
which few men succeed。 The number of human beings who manage to live
on their friends is small； whereas the veriest mongrel cur contrives to
enjoy food and lodging at some dupe's expense。
Facts such as these； however； have not over…thrown the great dog myth。
One can hardly open a child's book without coming across some tale of
canine intelligence and devotion。 My tender youth was saddened by the
story of one disinterested dog that refused to leave his master's grave and
was found frozen at his post on a bleak winter's morning。 With the
experience of years in pet dogs I now suspect that； instead of acting in this
theatrical fashion； that pup trotted home from the funeral with the most
prosperous and simple…minded couple in the neighborhood； and after a
substantial meal went to sleep by the fire。 He must have been a clever dog
to get so much free advertisement； so probably strolled out to his master's
grave the next noon； when people were about to hear him； and howled a
little to keep up appearances。
I have written 〃the richest and most simple minded couple；〃 because
centuries of self…seeking have developed in these beasts an especial
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aptitude for spotting possible victims at a glance。 You will rarely find dogs
coquetting with the strong… minded or wasting blandishments where there
is not the probability of immediate profit； but once let even a puppy get a
tenderhearted girl or aged couple under his influence； no pity will be
shown the victims。
There is a house not a square away from Mr。 Gerry's philanthropic
headquarters； where a state of things exists calculated to extract tears from
a custom…house official。 Two elderly virgins are there held in bondage by a
Minotaur no bigger than your two fists。 These good dames have a taste for
travelling； but change of climate disagrees with their tyrant。 They dislike
house…keeping and； like good Americans； would prefer hotel life；
nevertheless they keep up an establishment in a cheerless side street； with
a retinue of servants； because； forsooth； their satrap exacts a back yard
where he can walk of a morning。 These spinsters； although loving sisters；
no longer go about together； Caligula's nerves being so shaken that
solitude upsets them。 He would sooner expire than be left alone with the
servant； for the excellent reason that his bad temper and absurd airs have
made him dangerous enemies below stairs … and he knows it！
Another household in this city revolves around two brainless； goggle…
eyed beasts； imported at much expense from the slopes of Fuji…yama。 The
care that is lavished on those heathen monsters passes belief。 Maids are
employed to carry them up and down stairs； and men are called in the
night to hurry for a doctor when Chi has over…eaten or Fu develops colic；
yet their devoted mistress tells me； with tears in her eyes； that in spite of
this care； when she takes her darlings for a walk they do not know her
from the first stranger that passes； and will follow any boy who whistles to
them in the street。
What revolts me in the character of dogs is that； not content with
escaping from the responsibilities entailed on all the other inhabitants of
our globe by the struggle for existence； these four…legged Pecksniffs have
succeeded in making for themselves a fallacious reputation for honesty
and devotion。 What little lingering belief I had in canine fidelity
succumbed then I was told that St。 Bernards … those models of integrity
and courage … have fallen into the habit of carrying the flasks of brandy
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that the kind monks provide for the succor of snowbound travellers； to the
neighboring hamlets and exchanging the contents for … chops！
Will the world ever wake to the true character of these four… legged
impostors and realize that instead of being disinterested and sincere； most
family pets are consummate hypocrites。 Innocent？ Pshaw！ Their pretty；
coaxing ways and pretences of affection are unadulterated guile； their
ostentatious devotion； simply a clever manoeuvre to excite interest and
obtain unmerited praise。 It is useless； however； to hope that things will
change。 So long as this giddy old world goes on waltzing in space； so long
shall we continue to be duped by shams and pin our faith on frauds；
confounding an attractive bearing with a sweet disposition and mistaking
dishevelled hair and eccentric appearance for brains。 Even in the Orient；
where dogs have been granted immunity from other labor on the condition
that they organized an effective street…cleaning department； they have been
false to their trust and have evaded their contracts quite as if they were
Tammany braves； like whom they pass their days in slumber and their
nights in settling private disputes； while the city remains uncleaned。
I nurse yet another grudge against the canine race！ That Voltaire of a
whelp； who imposed himself upon our confiding first parents； must have
had an important pull at headquarters； for he certainly succeeded in getting
the decree concerning beauty and fitness which applies to all mammals；
including man himself； reversed in favor of dogs； and handed down to his
descendants the secret of making defects and deformities pass current as
qualities。 While other animals are valued for sleek coats and slender
proportions； canine monstrosities have always been in demand。 We do not
admire squints or protruding under jaws in our own race； yet bulldogs
have persuaded many weak…minded people that the
