the research magnificent-第55节

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ses　of　the　road。　For　some　seconds　Benham　regarded　them；　and　as　he　did　so　his　spirit　changed。　。　。　。　Everything　he　had　thought　of　saying　and　doing　vanished　out　of　his　mind。　He　stuck　his　hands　into　his　pockets　and　descended　the　staircase。　When　he　was　five　or　six　steps　above　them；　he　spoke。　　〃Just　sit　down　here；〃　he　said；　with　a　gesture　of　one　hand；　and　sat　down　himself　upon　the　stairs。　　〃DO　sit　down；〃　he　said　with　a　sudden　testiness　as　they　continued　standing。　　〃I　know　all　about　this　affair。　　Do　please　sit　down　and　let　us　talk。　。　。　。　　Everybody's　gone　to　bed　long　ago。〃　〃Cheetah！〃　she　said。　　〃Why　have　you　come　back　like　this？〃　Then　at　his　mute　gesture　she　sat　down　at　his　feet。　〃I　wish　you　would　sit　down；　Easton；〃　he　said　in　a　voice　of　subdued　savagery。　〃Why　have　you　come　back？〃　Sir　Philip　Easton　found　his　voice　to　ask。　〃SIT　down；〃　Benham　spat；　and　Easton　obeyed　unwillingly。　〃I　came　back；〃　Benham　went　on；　〃to　see　to　all　this。　　Why　else？　　I　don'tnow　I　see　youfeel　very　fierce　about　it。　　But　it　has　distressed　me。　　You　look　changed；　Amanda；　and　fagged。　　And　your　hair　is　untidy。　　It's　as　if　something　had　happened　to　you　and　made　you　a　stranger。　。　。　。　　You　two　people　are　lovers。　　Very　natural　and　simple；　but　I　want　to　get　out　of　it。　　Yes；　I　want　to　get　out　of　it。　That　wasn't　quite　my　idea；　but　now　I　see　it　is。　　It's　queer；　but　on　the　whole　I　feel　sorry　for　you。　　All　of　us；　poor　humans。　　There's　reason　to　be　sorry　for　all　of　us。　　We're　full　of　lusts　and　uneasiness　and　resentments　that　we　haven't　the　will　to　control。　What　do　you　two　people　want　me　to　do　to　you？　　Would　you　like　a　divorce；　Amanda？　　It's　the　clean；　straight　thing；　isn't　it？　　Or　would　the　scandal　hurt　you？〃　Amanda　sat　crouched　together；　with　her　eyes　on　Benham。　〃Give　us　a　divorce；〃　said　Easton；　looking　to　her　to　confirm　him。　Amanda　shook　her　head。　〃I　don't　want　a　divorce；〃　she　said。　〃Then　what　do　you　want？〃　asked　Benham　with　sudden　asperity。　〃I　don't　want　a　divorce；〃　she　repeated。　　〃Why　do　you；　after　a　long　silence；　come　home　like　this；　abruptly；　with　no　notice？〃　〃It　was　the　way　it　took　me；〃　said　Benham；　after　a　little　interval。　〃You　have　left　me　for　long　months。〃　〃Yes。　　I　was　angry。　　And　it　was　ridiculous　to　be　angry。　　I　thought　I　wanted　to　kill　you；　and　now　I　see　you　I　see　that　all　I　want　to　do　is　to　help　you　out　of　this　miserable　messand　then　get　away　from　you。　You　two　would　like　to　marry。　　You　ought　to　be　married。〃　〃I　would　die　to　make　Amanda　happy；〃　said　Easton。　〃Your　business；　it　seems　to　me；　is　to　live　to　make　her　happy。　　That　you　may　find　more　of　a　strain。　　Less　tragic　and　more　tiresome。　　I；　on　the　other　hand；　want　neither　to　die　nor　live　for　her。〃　　Amanda　moved　sharply。　　〃It's　extraordinary　what　amazing　vapours　a　lonely　man　may　get　into　his　head。　　If　you　don't　want　a　divorce　then　I　suppose　things　might　go　on　as　they　are　now。〃　〃I　hate　things　as　they　are　now；〃　said　Easton。　　〃I　hate　this　falsehood　and　deception。〃　〃You　would　hate　the　scandal　just　as　much；〃　said　Amanda。　〃I　would　not　care　what　the　scandal　was　unless　it　hurt　you。〃　〃It　would　be　only　a　temporary　inconvenience；〃　said　Benham。　　〃Every　one　would　sympathize　with　you。　。　。　。　　The　whole　thing　is　so　natural。　。　。　。　　People　would　be　glad　to　forget　very　soon。　　They　did　with　my　mother。〃　〃No；〃　said　Amanda；　〃it　isn't　so　easy　as　that。〃　She　seemed　to　come　to　a　decision。　〃Pip；〃　she　said。　　〃I　want　to　talk　toHIMalone。〃　Easton's　brown　eyes　were　filled　with　distress　and　perplexity。　　〃But　why？〃　he　asked。　〃I　do；〃　she　said。　〃But　this　is　a　thing　for　US。〃　〃Pip；　I　want　to　talk　to　him　alone。　　There　is　somethingsomething　I　can't　say　before　you。　。　。　。〃　Sir　Philip　rose　slowly　to　his　feet。　〃Shall　I　wait　outside？〃　〃No；　Pip。　　Go　home。　　Yes；there　are　some　things　you　must　leave　to　me。〃　She　stood　up　too　and　turned　so　that　she　and　Benham　both　faced　the　younger　man。　　The　strangest　uneasiness　mingled　with　his　resolve　to　be　at　any　cost　splendid。　　He　feltand　it　was　a　most　unexpected　and　disconcerting　feelingthat　he　was　no　longer　confederated　with　Amanda；　that　prior；　more　fundamental　and　greater　associations　prevailed　over　his　little　new　grip　upon　her　mind　and　senses。　　He　stared　at　husband　and　wife　aghast　in　this　realization。　　Then　his　resolute　romanticism　came　to　his　help。　　〃I　would　trust　you〃　he　began。　　〃If　you　tell　me　to　go〃　Amanda　seemed　to　measure　her　hold　upon　him。　She　laid　her　hand　upon　his　arm。　　〃Go；　my　dear　Pip；〃　she　said。　　〃Go。〃　He　had　a　moment　of　hesitation；　of　anguish；　and　it　seemed　to　Benham　as　though　he　eked　himself　out　with　unreality；　as　though　somewhen；　somewhere；　he　had　seen　something　of　the　sort　in　a　play　and　filled　in　a　gap　that　otherwise　he　could　not　have　supplied。　Then　the　door　had　closed　upon　him；　and　Amanda；　pale　and　darkly　dishevelled；　faced　her　husband；　silently　and　intensely。　〃WELL？〃　said　Benham。　She　held　out　her　arms　to　him。　〃Why　did　you　leave　me；　Cheetah？　　Why　did　you　leave　me？〃

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Benham　affected　to　ignore　those　proffered　arms。　　But　they　recalled　in　a　swift　rush　the　animal　anger　that　had　brought　him　back　to　England。　　To　remind　him　of　desire　now　was　to　revive　an　anger　stronger　than　any　desire。　　He　spoke　seeking　to　hurt　her。　〃I　am　wondering　now；〃　he　said；　〃why　the　devil　I　came　back。〃　〃You　had　to　come　back　to　me。〃　〃I　could　have　written　just　as　well　about　these　things。〃　〃CHEETAH；〃　she　said　softly；　and　came　towards　him　slowly；　stooping　forward　and　looking　into　his　eyes；　〃you　had　to　come　back　to　see　your　old　Leopard。　　Your　wretched　Leopard。　　Who　has　rolled　in　the　dirt。　And　is　still　yours。〃　〃Do　you　want　a　divorce？　　How　are　we　to　fix　things；　Amanda？〃　〃Cheetah；　I　will　tell　you　how　we　will　fix　things。〃　She　dropped　upon　the　step　below　him。　　She　laid　her　hands　with　a　deliberate　softness　upon　him；　she　gave　a　toss　so　that　her　disordered　hair　was　a　little　more　disordered；　and　brought　her　soft　chin　down　to　touch　his　knees。　　Her　eyes　implored　him。　〃Cheetah；〃　she　said。　　〃You　are　going　to　forgive。〃　He　sat　rigid；　meeting　her　eyes。　〃Amanda；〃　he　said　at　last；　〃you　would　be　astonished　if　I　kicked　you　away　from　me　and　trampled　over　you　to　the　door。　　That　is　what　I　want　to　do。〃　〃Do　it；〃　she　said；　and　the　grip　of　her　hands　tightened。　　〃Cheetah；　dear！　　I　would　love　you　to　kill　me。〃　〃I　don't　want　to　kill　you。〃　Her　eyes　dilated。　　〃Beat　me。〃　〃And　I　haven't　the　remotest　intention　of　making　love　to　you；〃　he　said；　and　pushed　her　soft　face　and　hands　away　from　him　as　if　he　would　stand　up。　She　caught　hold　of　him　again。　　〃Stay　with　me；〃　she　said。　He　made　no　effort　to　shake　off　her　grip。　　He　looked　at　the　dark　cloud　of　her　hair　that　had　ruled　him　so　magically；　and　the　memory　of　old　delights　made　him　grip　a　great　handful　almost　inadvertently　as　he　spoke。　　〃Dear　Leopard；〃　he　said；　〃we　humans　are　the　most　streaky　of　conceivable　things。　　I　thought　I　hated　you。　　I　do。　　I　hate　you　like　poison。　　And　also　I　do　not　hate　you　at　all。〃　Then　abruptly　he　was　standing　over　her。　She　rose　to　her　knees。　〃Stay　here；　old　Cheetah！〃　she　said。　　〃This　is　your　house。　　I　am　your　wife。〃　He　went　towards　the　unfastened　front　door。　〃Cheetah！〃　she　cried　with　a　note　of　despair。　He　halted　at　the　door。　〃Amanda；　I　will　come　to…morrow。　　I　will　come　in　the　morning；　in　the　sober　London　daylight；　and　then　we　will　settle　things。〃　He　stared　at　her；　and　to　her　amazement　he　smiled。　　He　spoke　as　one　who　remarks　upon　a　quite　unexpected　fact。　。　。　。　〃Never　in　my　life；　Amanda；　have　I　seen　a　human　being　that　I　wanted　so　little　to　kill。〃

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White　found　a　fragment　that　might　have　been　written　within　a　week　of　those　last　encounters　of　Benham　and　Amanda。　〃The　thing　that　astonished　me　most　in　Amanda　was　the　change　in　her　mental　quality。　〃With　me　in　the　old　days　she　had　always　been　a　sincere　person；　she　had　deceived　me　about　facts；　but　she　had　never　deceived　me　about　herself。　　Her　personal；　stark　frankness　had　been　her　essential　strength。　　And　it　was　gone。　　I　came　back　to　find　Amanda　an　accomplished　actress；　a　thing　of　poses　and　calculated　effects。　　She　was　a　surface；　a　sham；　a　Lorelei。　　Beneath　that　surface　I　could　not　discover　anything　individual　at　all。　　Fear　and　a　grasping　quality；　such　as　God　gave　us　all　when　he　gave　us　hands；　but　the　individual　I　knew；　the　humorous　wilful　Spotless　Leopard　was　gone。　　Whither；　I　cannot　imagine。　　An　amazing　disappearance。　　Clean　out　of　space　and　time　like　a　soul　lost　for　ever。　〃When　I　went　to　see　her　in　the　morning；　she　was　made　up　for　a　scene；　she　acted　an　intricate　part；　never　for　a　moment　was　she　there　in　reality。　。　。　。　〃I　have　got　a　remarkable　persuasion　that　she　lost　herself　in　this　way；　by　cheapening　love；　by　making　base　love　to　a　lover　she　despised。　。　。　。　　There　can　be　no　inequality　in　love。　　Give　and　take　must　balance。　　One　must　be　one's　natural　self　or　the　whole　business　is　an　indecent　trick；　a　vile　use　of　life！　　To　use　inferiors　in　love　one　must　needs　talk　down　to　them；　interpret　oneself　in　their　insufficient　phrases；　pretend；　sentimentalize。　　And　it　is　clear　that　unless　oneself　is　to　be　lost；　one　must　be　content　to　leave　alone　all　those　people　that　one　can　reach　only　by　sentimentalizing。　　But　Amandaand　yet　somehow　I　love　her　for　it　stillcould　not　leave　any　one　alone。　　So　she　was　always　feverishly　weaving　nets　of　false　relationship。　　Until　her　very　self　was　forgotten。　　So　she　will　go　on　until　the　end。　　With　Easton　it　had　been　necessary　for　her　to　key　herself　to　a　simple