the research magnificent-第47节

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　pronouncing　an　immoral　principle。　　Your　manner　suggests　I　am。　　I　am　telling　you　exactly　how　I　feel。　　That　is　how　I　feel。　　I　wantVenus。　　I　don't　want　her　to　talk　to　or　anything　of　that　sort。　。　。　。　　I　have　been　studying　that　book；　yes；　that　large；　vulgar；　red　book；　all　the　morning；　instead　of　doing　any　work。　Would　you　like　to　see　it？　。　。　。　　NO！　。　。　。　〃This　spring；　Benham；　I　tell　you；　is　driving　me　mad。　　It　is　a　peculiarly　erotic　spring。　　I　cannot　sleep；　I　cannot　fix　my　mind；　I　cannot　attend　to　ordinary　conversation。　　These　feelings；　I　understand；　are　by　no　means　peculiar　to　myself。　。　。　。　　No；　don't　interrupt　me；　Benham；　let　me　talk　now　that　the　spirit　of　speech　is　upon　me。　　When　you　came　in　you　said；　‘How　are　you？'　　I　am　telling　you　how　I　am。　　You　brought　it　on　yourself。　　WellI　aminflamed。　　I　have　no　strong　moral　or　religious　convictions　to　assist　me　either　to　endure　or　deny　thisthis　urgency。　　And　so　why　should　I　deny　it？　It's　one　of　our　chief　problems　here。　　The　majority　of　my　fellow　dons　who　look　at　me　with　secretive　faces　in　hall　and　court　and　combination…room　are　in　just　the　same　case　as　myself。　　The　fever　in　oneself　detects　the　fever　in　others。　　I　know　their　hidden　thoughts。　Their　fishy　eyes　defy　me　to　challenge　their　hidden　thoughts。　　Each　covers　his　miserable　secret　under　the　cloak　of　a　wholesome　manly　indifference。　　A　tattered　cloak。　。　。　。　　Each　tries　to　hide　his　abandonment　to　this　horrible　vice　of　continence〃　〃Billy；　what's　the　matter　with　you？〃　Prothero　grimaced　impatience。　　〃Shall　I　NEVER　teach　you　not　to　be　a　humbug；　Benham？〃　he　screamed；　and　in　screaming　became　calmer。　〃Nature　taunts　me；　maddens　me。　　My　life　is　becoming　a　hell　of　shame。　‘Get　out　from　all　these　books；'　says　Nature；　‘and　serve　the　Flesh。'　The　Flesh；　Benham。　　YesI　insistthe　Flesh。　　Do　I　look　like　a　pure　spirit？　　Is　any　man　a　pure　spirit？　　And　here　am　I　at　Cambridge　like　a　lark　in　a　cage；　with　too　much　port　and　no　Aspasia。　　Not　that　I　should　have　liked　Aspasia。〃　〃Mutual；　perhaps；　Billy。〃　〃Oh！　you　can　sneer！〃　〃Well；　clearlySaint　Paul　is　my　authorityit's　marriage；　Billy。〃　Prothero　had　walked　to　the　window。　　He　turned　round。　〃I　CAN'T　marry；〃　he　said。　　〃The　trouble　has　gone　too　far。　　I've　lost　my　nerve　in　the　presence　of　women。　　I　don't　like　them　any　more。　They　come　at　onedone　up　in　a　lot　of　ridiculous　clothes；　and　chattering　about　all　sorts　of　things　that　don't　matter。　。　。　。　　He　surveyed　his　friend's　thoughtful　attitude。　　〃I'm　getting　to　hate　women；　Benham。　　I'm　beginning　now　to　understand　the　bitterness　of　spinsters　against　men。　　I'm　beginning　to　grasp　the　unkindliness　of　priests。　　The　perpetual　denial。　　To　you；　happily　married；　a　woman　is　just　a　human　being。　　You　can　talk　to　her；　like　her；　you　can　even　admire　her　calmly；　you've　got；　you　see；　no　grudge　against　her。　。　。　。〃　He　sat　down　abruptly。　Benham；　upon　the　hearthrug　before　the　empty　fireplace；　considered　him。　〃Billy！　this　is　delusion；〃　he　said。　　〃What's　come　over　you？〃　〃I'm　telling　you；〃　said　Prothero。　〃No；〃　said　Benham。　Prothero　awaited　some　further　utterance。　〃I'm　looking　for　the　cause　of　it。　　It's　feeding；　Billy。　　It's　port　and　stimulants　where　there　is　no　scope　for　action。　　It's　idleness。　I　begin　to　see　now　how　much　fatter　you　are；　how　much　coarser。〃　〃Idleness！　　Look　at　this　pile　of　examination　answers。　　Look　at　that　filing　system　like　an　arsenal　of　wisdom。　　Useless　wisdom；　I　admit；　but　anyhow　not　idleness。〃　〃There's　still　bodily　idleness。　　No。　　That's　your　trouble。　　You're　stuffy。　　You've　enlarged　your　liver。　　You　sit　in　this　room　of　a　warm　morning　after　an　extravagant　breakfast。　　And　peep　and　covet。〃　〃Just　eggs　and　bacon！〃　〃Think　of　it！　　Coffee　and　toast　it　ought　to　be。　　Come　out　of　it；　Billy；　and　get　aired。〃　〃How　can　one？〃　〃Easily。　　Come　out　of　it　now。　　Come　for　a　walk；　you　Pig！〃　〃It's　an　infernally　warm　morning。　〃Walk　with　me　to　Grantchester。〃　〃We　might　go　by　boat。　　You　could　row。〃　〃WALK。〃　〃I　ought　to　do　these　papers。〃　〃You　weren't　doing　them。〃　〃No。　。　。　。〃　〃Walk　with　me　to　Grantchester。　　All　this　affliction　of　yours　is　horridand　just　nothing　at　all。　　Come　out　of　it！　　I　want　you　to　come　with　me　to　Russia　and　about　the　world。　　I'm　going　to　leave　my　wife〃　〃Leave　your　wife！〃　〃Why　not？　　And　I　came　here　hoping　to　find　you　clear…headed；　and　instead　you　are　in　this　disgusting　state。　　I've　never　met　anything　in　my　life　so　hot　and　red　and　shiny　and　shameless。　　Come　out　of　it；　man！　　How　can　one　talk　to　you？〃

10

〃You　pull　things　down　to　your　own　level；〃　said　Benham　as　they　went　through　the　heat　to　Grantchester。　〃I　pull　them　down　to　truth；〃　panted　Prothero。　〃Truth！　　As　though　being　full　of　gross　appetites　was　truth；　and　discipline　and　training　some　sort　of　falsity！〃　〃Artificiality。　　And　begetting　pride；　Benham；　begetting　a　prig's　pride。〃　For　a　time　there　was　more　than　the　heat　of　the　day　between　them。　。　。　。　The　things　that　Benham　had　come　down　to　discuss　were　thrust　into　the　background　by　the　impassioned　materialism　of　Prothero。　〃I'm　not　talking　of　Love；〃　he　said；　remaining　persistently　outrageous。　　〃I'm　talking　of　physical　needs。　　That　first。　　What　is　the　good　of　arranging　systems　of　morality　and　sentiment　before　you　know　what　is　physically　possible。　。　。　。　〃But　how　can　one　disentangle　physical　and　moral　necessities？〃　〃Then　why　don't　we　up　and　find　out？〃　said　Billy。　He　had　no　patience　with　the　secrecy；　the　ignorance；　the　emotion　that　surrounded　these　questions。　　We　didn't　worship　our　ancestors　when　it　came　to　building　bridges　or　working　metals　or　curing　disease　or　studying　our　indigestion；　and　why　should　we　become　breathless　or　wordless　with　awe　and　terror　when　it　came　to　this　fundamental　affair？　　Why　here　in　particular　should　we　give　way　to　Holy　Fear　and　stifled　submission　to　traditional　suppressions　and　the　wisdom　of　the　ages？　　〃What　is　the　wisdom　of　the　ages？〃　said　Prothero。　　〃Think　of　the　corners　where　that　wisdom　was　born。　。　。　。　　Flea…bitten　sages　in　stone…age　hovels。　。　。　。　　Wandering　wise　man　with　a　rolling　eye；　a　fakir　under　a　tree；　a　Jewish　sheik；　an　Arab　epileptic。　。　。　。〃　〃Would　you　sweep　away　the　experience　of　mankind？〃　protested　Benham。　The　experience　of　mankind　in　these　matters　had　always　been　bitter　experience。　　Most　of　it　was　better　forgotten。　　It　didn't　convince。　It　had　never　worked　things　out。　　In　this　matter　just　as　in　every　other　matter　that　really　signified　things　had　still　to　be　worked　out。　　Nothing　had　been　worked　out　hitherto。　　The　wisdom　of　the　ages　was　a　Cant。　　People　had　been　too　busy　quarrelling；　fighting　and　running　away。　　There　wasn't　any　digested　experience　of　the　ages　at　all。　　Only　the　mis…remembered　hankey…pankey　of　the　Dead　Old　Man。　〃Is　this　love…making　a　physical　necessity　for　most　men　and　women　or　isn't　it？〃　Prothero　demanded。　　〃There's　a　simple　question　enough；　and　is　there　anything　whatever　in　your　confounded　wisdom　of　the　ages　to　tell　me　yes　or　no？　　Can　an　ordinary　celibate　be　as　healthy　and　vigorous　as　a　mated　man？　　Is　a　spinster　of　thirty…eight　a　healthy　human　being？　　Can　she　be？　　I　don't　believe　so。　　Then　why　in　thunder　do　we　let　her　be？　　Here　am　I　at　a　centre　of　learning　and　wisdom　and　I　don't　believe　so；　and　there　is　nothing　in　all　our　colleges；　libraries　and　roomsfull　of　wiseacres　here；　to　settle　that　plain　question　for　me；　plainly　and　finally。　　My　life　is　a　grubby　torment　of　cravings　because　it　isn't　settled。　　If　sexual　activity　IS　a　part　of　the　balance　of　life；　if　it　IS　a　necessity；　well　let's　set　about　making　it　accessible　and　harmless　and　have　done　with　it。　　Swedish　exercises。　　That　sort　of　thing。　　If　it　isn't；　if　it　can　be　reduced　and　done　without；　then　let　us　set　about　teaching　people　HOW　to　control　themselves　and　reduce　and　get　rid　of　this　vehement　passion。　But　all　this　muffled　mystery；　this　pompous　sneak's　way　we　take　with　it！〃　〃But；　Billy！　　How　can　one　settle　these　things？　　It's　a　matter　of　idiosyncrasy。　　What　is　true　for　one　man　isn't　true　for　another。　There's　infinite　difference　of　temperaments！〃　〃Then　why　haven't　we　a　classification　of　temperaments　and　a　moral　code　for　each　sort？　　Why　am　I　ruled　by　the　way　of　life　that　is　convenient　for　Rigdon　the　vegetarian　and　fits　Bowler　the　saint　like　a　glove？　　It　isn't　convenient　for　me。　　It　fits　me　like　a　hair…shirt。　Of　course　there　are　temperaments；　but　why　can't　we　formulate　them　and　exercise　the　elementary　charity　of　recognizing　that　one　man's　health　in　these　matters　is　another　man's　death？　　Some　want　love　and　gratification　and　some　don't。　　There　are　people　who　want　children　and　people　who　don't　want　to　be　bothered　by　children　but　who　are　full　of　vivid　desires。　　There　are　people　whose　only　happiness　is　chastity；　and　women　who　would　rather　be　courtesans　than　mothers。　Some　of　us　would　concentrate　upon　a　single　passion　or　a　single　idea；　others　overflow　with　a　miscellaneoustenderness。　　Yes；and　you　smile！　　Why　spit　upon　and　insult　a　miscellaneous　tenderness；　Benham？　Why　grin　at　it？　　Why　try　every　one　by　the　standards　that　suit　oneself？　　We're　savages；　Benham；　shamefaced　savages；　still。　Shamefaced　and　persecuting。　〃I　was　angry　about　sex　by　seventeen；〃　he　went　on。　　〃Every　year　I　live　I　grow　angrier。〃　His　voice　rose　to　a　squeal　of　indignation　as　he　talked。　〃Think；〃　he　said；　〃of　the　amount　of　thinking　and　feeling　about　sex　that　is　going　on　in　Cambridge　this　morning。　　The　hundreds　out　of　these　thousands　full　of　it。　　A　va