when the world shook-第6节

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and　I　liked　women；　but　at　the　same　time　they　repelled　me。



My　old　fastidiousness　came　in；　to　my　taste　there　was　always

something　wrong　about　them。　While　they　attracted　one　part　of　my

nature　they　revolted　another　part；　and　on　the　whole　I　preferred

to　do　without　their　intimate　society；　rather　than　work　violence

to　this　second　and　higher　part　of　me。　Moreover；　quite　at　the

beginning　of　my　career　I　had　concluded　from　observation　that　a

man　gets　on　better　in　life　alone；　rather　than　with　another　to

drag　at　his　side；　or　by　whom　perhaps　he　must　be　dragged。　Still

true　marriage；　such　as　most　men　and　some　women　have　dreamed　of　in

their　youth；　had　always　been　one　of　my　ideals；　indeed　it　was　on

and　around　this　vision　that　I　wrote　that　first　book　of　mine　which

was　so　successful。　Since　I　knew　this　to　be　unattainable　in　our

imperfect　conditions；　however；　notwithstanding　Bastin's

strictures；　again　I　dismissed　the　whole　matter　from　my　mind　as　a

vain　imagination。



As　an　alternative　I　reflected　upon　a　parliamentary　career　which

I　was　not　too　old　to　begin；　and　even　toyed　with　one　or　two

opportunities　that　offered　themselves；　as　these　do　to　men　of

wealth　and　advanced　views。　They　never　came　to　anything；　for　in

the　end　I　decided　that　Party　politics　were　so　hateful　and　so

dishonest；　that　I　could　not　bring　myself　to　put　my　neck　beneath

their　yoke。　I　was　sure　that　if　I　tried　to　do　so；　I　should　fail

more　completely　than　I　had　done　at　the　Bar　and　in　Literature。

Here；　too；　I　am　quite　certain　that　I　was　right。



The　upshot　of　it　all　was　that　I　sought　refuge　in　that　last

expedient　of　weary　Englishmen；　travel；　not　as　a　globe…trotter；

but　leisurely　and　with　an　inquiring　mind；　learning　much　but　again

finding；　like　the　ancient　writer　whom　I　have　quoted　already；　that

there　is　no　new　thing　under　the　sun；　that　with　certain　variations

it　is　the　same　thing　over　and　over　again。



No；　I　will　make　an　exception；　the　East　did　interest　me

enormously。　There　it　was；　at　Benares；　that　I　came　into　touch　with

certain　thinkers　who　opened　my　eyes　to　a　great　deal。　They

released　some　hidden　spring　in　my　nature　which　hitherto　had

always　been　striving　to　break　through　the　crust　of　our

conventions　and　inherited　ideas。　I　know　now　that　what　I　was

seeking　was　nothing　less　than　the　Infinite；　that　I　had　〃immortal

longings　in　me。〃　I　listened　to　all　their　solemn　talk　of　epochs

and　years　measureless　to　man；　and　reflected　with　a　thrill　that

after　all　man　might　have　his　part　in　every　one　of　them。　Yes；　that

bird　of　passage　as　he　seemed　to　be；　flying　out　of　darkness　into

darkness；　still　he　might　have　spread　his　wings　in　the　light　of

other　suns　millions　upon　millions　of　years　ago；　and　might　still

spread　them；　grown　radiant　and　glorious；　millions　upon　millions

of　years　hence　in　a　time　unborn。



If　only　I　could　know　the　truth。　Was　Life　（according　to　Bickley）

merely　a　short　activity　bounded　by　nothingness　before　and　behind；

or　（according　to　Bastin）　a　conventional　golden…harped　and　haloed

immortality；　a　word　of　which　he　did　not　in　the　least　understand

the　meaning？



Or　was　it　something　quite　different　from　either　of　these；

something　vast　and　splendid　beyond　the　reach　of　vision；

something　God…sent；　beginning　and　ending　in　the　Eternal　Absolute

and　at　last　partaking　of　His　attributes　and　nature　and　from　aeon

to　aeon　shot　through　with　His　light？　And　how　was　the　truth　to　be

learned？　I　asked　my　Eastern　friends；　and　they　talked　vaguely　of

long　ascetic　preparation；　of　years　upon　years　of　learning；　from

whom　I　could　not　quite　discover。　I　was　sure　it　could　not　be　from

them；　because　clearly　they　did　not　know；　they　only　passed　on　what

they　had　heard　elsewhere；　when　or　how　they　either　could　not　or

would　not　explain。　So　at　length　I　gave　it　up；　having　satisfied

myself　that　all　this　was　but　an　effort　of　Oriental　imagination

called　into　life　by　the　sweet　influences　of　the　Eastern　stars。



I　gave　it　up　and　went　away；　thinking　that　I　should　forget。　But

I　did　not　forget。　I　was　quick　with　a　new　hope；　or　at　any　rate

with　a　new　aspiration；　and　that　secret　child　of　holy　desire　grew

and　grew　within　my　soul；　till　at　length　it　flashed　upon　me　that

this　soul　of　mine　was　itself　the　hidden　Master　from　which　I　must

learn　my　lesson。　No　wonder　that　those　Eastern　friends　could　not

give　his　name；　seeing　that　whatever　they　really　knew；　as

distinguished　from　what　they　had　heard；　and　it　was　little　enough；

each　of　them　had　learned　from　the　teaching　of　his　own　soul。



Thus；　then；　I　too　became　a　dreamer　with　only　one　longing；　the

longing　for　wisdom；　for　that　spirit　touch　which　should　open　my

eyes　and　enable　me　to　see。



Yet　now　it　happened　strangely　enough　that　when　I　seemed　within

myself　to　have　little　further　interest　in　the　things　of　the

world；　and　least　of　all　in　women；　I；　who　had　taken　another　guest

to　dwell　with　me；　those　things　of　the　world　came　back　to　me　and

in　the　shape　of　Woman　the　Inevitable。　Probably　it　was　so　decreed

since　is　it　not　written　that　no　man　can　live　to　himself　alone；　or

lose　himself　in　watching　and　nurturing　the　growth　of　his　own

soul？





It　happened　thus。　I　went　to　Rome　on　my　way　home　from　India；　and

stayed　there　a　while。　On　the　day　after　my　arrival　I　wrote　my　name

in　the　book　of　our　Minister　to　Italy　at　that　time；　Sir　Alfred

Upton；　not　because　I　wished　him　to　ask　me　to　dinner；　but　for　the

reason　that　I　had　heard　of　him　as　a　man　of　archeological　tastes

and　thought　that　he　might　enable　me　to　see　things　which　otherwise

I　should　not　see。



As　it　chanced　he　knew　about　me　through　some　of　my　Devonshire

neighbours　who　were　friends　of　his；　and　did　ask　me　to　dinner　on

the　following　night。　I　accepted　and　found　myself　one　of　a

considerable　party；　some　of　them　distinguished　English　people　who

wore　Orders；　as　is　customary　when　one　dines　with　the

representative　of　our　Sovereign。　Seeing　these；　and　this　shows

that　in　the　best　of　us　vanity　is　only　latent；　for　the　first　time

in　my　life　I　was　sorry　that　I　had　none　and　was　only　plain　Mr。

Arbuthnot　who；　as　Sir　Alfred　explained　to　me　politely；　must　go　in

to　dinner　last；　because　all　the　rest　had　titles；　and　without　even

a　lady　as　there　was　not　one　to　spare。



Nor　was　my　lot　bettered　when　I　got　there；　as　I　found　myself

seated　between　an　Italian　countess　and　a　Russian　prince；　neither

of　whom　could　talk　English；　while；　alas；　I　knew　no　foreign

language；　not　even　French　in　which　they　addressed　me；　seeming

surprised　that　I　did　not　understand　them。　I　was　humiliated　at　my

own　ignorance；　although　in　fact　I　was　not　ignorant；　only　my

education　had　been　classical。　Indeed　I　was　a　good　classic　and　had

kept　up　my　knowledge　more　or　less；　especially　since　I　became　an

idle　man。　In　my　confusion　it　occurred　to　me　that　the　Italian

countess　might　know　Latin　from　which　her　own　language　was

derived；　and　addressed　her　in　that　tongue。　She　stared；　and　Sir

Alfred；　who　was　not　far　off　and　overheard　me　（he　also　knew

Latin）；　burst　into　laughter　and　proceeded　to　explain　the　joke　in

a　loud　voice；　first　in　French　and　then　in　English；　to　the

assembled　company；　who　all　became　infected　with　merriment　and

also　stared　at　me　as　a　curiosity。



Then　it　was　that　for　the　first　time　I　saw　Natalie；　for　owing　to

a　mistake　of　my　driver　I　had　arrived　rather　late　and　had　not　been

introduced　to　her。　As　her　father's　only　daughter；　her　mother

being　dead；　she　was　seated　at　the　end　of　the　table　behind　a

fan…like　arrangement　of　white　Madonna　lilies；　and　she　had　bent

forward　and；　like　the　others；　was　looking　at　me；　but　in　such　a

fashion　that　her　head　from　that　distance　seemed　as　though　it　were

surrounded　and　crowned　with　lilies。　Indeed　the　greatest　art　could

not　have　produced　a　more　beautiful　effect　which　was；　however；

really　one　of　naked　accident。



An　angel　looking　down　upon　earth　through　the　lilies　of

Heaventhat　was　the　rather　absurd　thought　which　flashed　into　my

mind。　I　did　not　quite　realise　her　face　at　first　except　that　it

seemed　to　be　both　dark　and　fair；　as　a　fact　her　waving　hair　which

grew　rather　low　upon　her　forehead；　was　dark；　and　her　large；　soft

eyes　were　grey。　I　did　not　know；　and　to　this　moment　I　do　not　know

if　she　was　really　beautiful；　but　certainly　the　light　that　shone

through　those　eyes　of　hers　and　seemed　to　be　reflected　upon　her

delicate　features；　was　beauty　itself。　It　was　like　that　glowing

through　a　thin　vase　of　the　purest　alabaster　within　which　a　lamp

is　placed；　and　I　felt　this　effect　to　arise　from　no　chance；　like

that　of　the　lily…setting；　but；　as　it　were；　from　the　lamp　of　the

spirit　within。




Our　eyes　met；　and　I　suppose　that　she　saw　the　wonder　and

admiration　in　mine。　At　any　rate　her　amused　smile　faded；　leaving

the　face　rather　serious；　though　still　sweetly　serious；　and　a

tinge　of　colour　crept　over　it　as　the　first　hue　of　dawn　creeps

into　a　pearly　sky。　Then　she　withdrew　herself　behind　the　screen　of

lilies　and　for　the　rest　of　that　dinner　which　I　thought　was　never

coming　to