the lifted veil(揭起的面纱)-第10节
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single hypothetic proposition to remain problematic till sunset； and all the
cramped； hemmed…in belief and disbelief； trust and distrust； of my nature；
welled out in this one narrow channel。
And she made me believe that she loved me。 Without ever quitting
her tone of BADINAGE and playful superiority； she intoxicated me with
the sense that I was necessary to her； that she was never at ease； unless I
was near her； submitting to her playful tyranny。 It costs a woman so little
effort to beset us in this way！ A half… repressed word； a moment's
unexpected silence； even an easy fit of petulance on our account； will
serve us as hashish for a long while。 Out of the subtlest web of scarcely
perceptible signs； she set me weaving the fancy that she had always
unconsciously loved me better than Alfred； but that； with the ignorant
fluttered sensibility of a young girl； she had been imposed on by the charm
that lay for her in the distinction of being admired and chosen by a man
who made so brilliant a figure in the world as my brother。 She satirized
herself in a very graceful way for her vanity and ambition。 What was it
to me that I had the light of my wretched provision on the fact that now it
was I who possessed at least all but the personal part of my brother's
advantages？ Our sweet illusions are half of them conscious illusions；
like effects of colour that we know to be made up of tinsel； broken glass；
and rags。
We were married eighteen months after Alfred's death； one cold； clear
morning in April； when there came hail and sunshine both together； and
Bertha； in her white silk and pale…green leaves； and the pale hues of her
hair and face； looked like the spirit of the morning。 My father was
happier than he had thought of being again： my marriage； he felt sure；
would complete the desirable modification of my character； and make me
practical and worldly enough to take my place in society among sane men。
For he delighted in Bertha's tact and acuteness； and felt sure she would be
mistress of me； and make me what she chose： I was only twenty… one；
and madly in love with her。 Poor father！ He kept that hope a little
while after our first year of marriage； and it was not quite extinct when
paralysis came and saved him from utter disappointment。
I shall hurry through the rest of my story； not dwelling so much as I
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have hitherto done on my inward experience。 When people are well
known to each other； they talk rather of what befalls them externally；
leaving their feelings and sentiments to be inferred。
We lived in a round of visits for some time after our return home；
giving splendid dinner…parties； and making a sensation in our
neighbourhood by the new lustre of our equipage； for my father had
reserved this display of his increased wealth for the period of his son's
marriage； and we gave our acquaintances liberal opportunity for
remarking that it was a pity I made so poor a figure as an heir and a
bridegroom。 The nervous fatigue of this existence； the insincerities and
platitudes which I had to live through twice overthrough my inner and
outward sensewould have been maddening to me； if I had not had that
sort of intoxicated callousness which came from the delights of a first
passion。 A bride and bridegroom； surrounded by all the appliances of
wealth； hurried through the day by the whirl of society； filling their
solitary moments with hastily…snatched caresses； are prepared for their
future life together as the novice is prepared for the cloisterby
experiencing its utmost contrast。
Through all these crowded excited months； Bertha's inward self
remained shrouded from me； and I still read her thoughts only through the
language of her lips and demeanour： I had still the human interest of
wondering whether what I did and said pleased her； of longing to hear a
word of affection； of giving a delicious exaggeration of meaning to her
smile。 But I was conscious of a growing difference in her manner
towards me； sometimes strong enough to be called haughty coldness；
cutting and chilling me as the hail had done that came across the sunshine
on our marriage morning； sometimes only perceptible in the dexterous
avoidance of a tete…a…tete walk or dinner to which I had been looking
forward。 I had been deeply pained by thishad even felt a sort of
crushing of the heart； from the sense that my brief day of happiness was
near its setting； but still I remained dependent on Bertha； eager for the last
rays of a bliss that would soon be gone for ever； hoping and watching for
some after…glow more beautiful from the impending night。
I rememberhow should I not remember？the time when that
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dependence and hope utterly left me； when the sadness I had felt in
Bertha's growing estrangement became a joy that I looked back upon with
longing as a man might look back on the last pains in a paralysed limb。
It was just after the close of my father's last illness； which had necessarily
withdrawn us from society and thrown us more on each other。 It was the
evening of father's death。 On that evening the veil which had shrouded
Bertha's soul from mehad made me find in her alone among my fellow…
beings the blessed possibility of mystery； and doubt； and expectationwas
first withdrawn。 Perhaps it was the first day since the beginning of my
passion for her； in which that passion was completely neutralized by the
presence of an absorbing feeling of another kind。 I had been watching by
my father's deathbed： I had been witnessing the last fitful yearning
glance his soul had cast back on the spent inheritance of lifethe last faint
consciousness of love he had gathered from the pressure of my hand。
What are all our personal loves when we have been sharing in that
supreme agony？ In the first moments when we come away from the
presence of death； every other relation to the living is merged； to our
feeling； in the great relation of a common nature and a common destiny。
In that state of mind I joined Bertha in her private sitting…room。 She
was seated in a leaning posture on a settee； with her back towards the door；
the great rich coils of her pale blond hair surmounting her small neck；
visible above the back of the settee。 I remember； as I closed the door
behind me； a cold tremulousness seizing me； and a vague sense of being
hated and lonelyvague and strong； like a presentiment。 I know how I
looked at that moment； for I saw myself in Bertha's thought as she lifted
her cutting grey eyes； and looked at me： a miserable ghost…seer；
surrounded by phantoms in the noonday； trembling under a breeze when
the leaves were still； without appetite for the common objects of human
desires； but pining after the moon…beams。 We were front to front with
each other； and judged each other。 The terrible moment of complete
illumination had come to me； and I saw that the darkness had hidden no
landscape from me； but only a blank prosaic wall： from that evening forth；
through the sickening years which followed； I saw all round the narrow
room of this woman's soulsaw petty artifice and mere negation where I
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