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money；　and　supply　your　betters　with　what　they　want。　　Be　quick；

sirrah；　or　I'll　fetch　the　beadle　to　you。　　Don't　fancy　yourself　in

the　lower　world　again；　with　your　privilege　at　your　a。〃　　He　then

shook　a　cane　at　his　lordship；　who　immediately　began　to　tell　out

his　money；　with　the　same　miserable　air　and　face　which　the　miser

on　our　stage　wears　while　he　delivers　his　bank…bills。　　This

affected　some　of　us　so　much　that　we　had　certainly　returned　with

no　more　than　what　would　have　been　sufficient　to　fee　the　porters；

had　not　our　host；　perceiving　our　compassion；　begged　us　not　to

spare　a　fellow　who；　in　the　midst　of　immense　wealth；　had　always

refused　the　least　contribution　to　charity。　　Our　hearts　were

hardened　with　this　reflection；　and　we　all　filled　our　pockets　with

his　money。　　I　remarked　a　poetical　spirit；　in　particular；　who

swore　he　would　have　a　hearty　gripe　at　him：　　〃For；〃　says　he；　〃the

rascal　not　only　refused　to　subscribe　to　my　works；　but　sent　back

my　letter　unanswered；　though　I　am　a　better　gentleman　than

himself。〃　　We　now　returned　from　this　miserable　object；　greatly

admiring　the　propriety　as　well　as　justice　of　his　punishment；

which　consisted；　as　our　host　informed　us；　merely　in　the

delivering　forth　his　money；　and；　he　observed；　we　could　not　wonder

at　the　pain　this　gave　him；　since　it　was　as　reasonable　that　the

bare　parting　with　money　should　make　him　miserable　as　that　the

bare　having　money　without　using　it　should　have　made　him　happy。　

Other　tie…wig　porters　（for　those　we　had　summoned　before　refused

to　visit　us　again）　now　attended　us；　and　we　having　fee'd　them　the

instant　they　entered　the　room；　according　to　the　instructions　of

our　host；　they　bowed　and　smiled；　and　offered　to　introduce　us　to

whatever　disease　we　pleased。



We　set　out　several　ways；　as　we　were　all　to　pay　our　respects　to

different　ladies。　　I　directed　my　porter　to　show　me　to　the　Fever

on　the　Spirits；　being　the　disease　which　had　delivered　me　from　the

flesh。　　My　guide　and　I　traversed　many　streets；　and　knocked　at

several　doors；　but　to　no　purpose。　　At　one；　we　were　told；　lived

the　Consumption；　at　another；　the　Maladie　Alamode；　a　French　lady；

at　the　third；　the　Dropsy；　at　the　fourth；　the　Rheumatism；　at　the

fifth；　Intemperance；　at　the　sixth；　Misfortune。　　I　was　tired；　and

had　exhausted　my　patience；　and　almost　my　purse；　for　I　gave　my

porter　a　new　fee　at　every　blunder　he　made：　　when　my　guide；　with　a

solemn　countenance；　told　me　he　could　do　no　more；　and　marched　off

without　any　farther　ceremony。



He　was　no　sooner　gone　than　I　met　another　gentleman　with　a　ticket；

i。　e。；　an　amber…headed　cane　in　his　hand。　　I　first　fee'd　him；　and

then　acquainted　him　with　the　name　of　the　disease。　　He　cast

himself　for　two　or　three　minutes　into　a　thoughtful　posture；　then

pulled　a　piece　of　paper　out　of　his　pocket；　on　which　he　wrote

something　in　one　of　the　Oriental　languages；　I　believe；　for　I

could　not　read　a　syllable：　　he　bade　me　carry　it　to　such　a

particular　shop；　and；　telling　me　it　would　do　my　business；　he　took

his　leave。



Secure；　as　I　now　thought　myself；　of　my　direction；　I　went　to　the

shop；　which　very　much　resembled　an　apothecary's。　　The　person　who

officiated；　having　read　the　paper；　took　down　about　twenty

different　jars；　and；　pouring　something　out　of　every　one　of　them；

made　a　mixture；　which　he　delivered　to　me　in　a　bottle；　having

first　tied　a　paper　round　the　neck　of　it；　on　which　were　written

three　or　four　words；　the　last　containing　eleven　syllables。　　I

mentioned　the　name　of　the　disease　I　wanted　to　find　out；　but

received　no　other　answer　than　that　he　had　done　as　he　was　ordered；

and　the　drugs　were　excellent。　　I　began　now　to　be　enraged；　and；

quitting　the　shop　with　some　anger　in　my　countenance；　I　intended

to　find　out　my　inn；　but；　meeting　in　the　way　a　porter　whose

countenance　had　in　it　something　more　pleasing　than　ordinary；　I

resolved　to　try　once　more；　and　clapped　a　fee　into　his　hand。　　As

soon　as　I　mentioned　the　disease　to　him　he　laughed　heartily；　and

told　me　I　had　been　imposed　on；　for　in　reality　no　such　disease　was

to　be　found　in　that　city。　　He　then　inquired　into　the　particulars

of　my　case；　and　was　no　sooner　acquainted　with　them　than　he

informed　me　that　the　Maladie　Alamode　was　the　lady　to　whom　I　was

obliged。　　I　thanked　him；　and　immediately　went　to　pay　my　respects

to　her。　　The　house；　or　rather　palace；　of　this　lady　was　one　of　the

most　beautiful　and　magnificent　in　the　city。　　The　avenue　to　it　was

planted　with　sycamore　trees；　with　beds　of　flowers　on　each　side；

it　was　extremely　pleasant　but　short。　　I　was　conducted　through　a

magnificent　hall；　adorned　with　several　statues　and　bustoes；　most

of　them　maimed；　whence　I　concluded　them　all　to　be　true　antiques；

but　was　informed　they　were　the　figures　of　several　modern　heroes；

who　had　died　martyrs　to　her　ladyship's　cause。　　I　next　mounted

through　a　large　painted　staircase；　where　several　persons　were

depicted　in　caricatura；　and；　upon　inquiry；　was　told　they　were　the

portraits　of　those　who　had　distinguished　themselves　against　the

lady　in　the　lower　world。　　I　suppose　I　should　have　known　the　faces

of　many　physicians　and　surgeons；　had　they　not　been　so　violently

distorted　by　the　painter。　　Indeed；　he　had　exerted　so　much　malice

in　his　work；　that　I　believe　he　had　himself　received　some

particular　favors　from　the　lady　of　this　mansion：　　it　is　difficult

to　conceive　a　group　of　stranger　figures。　　I　then　entered　a　long

room；　hung　round　with　the　pictures　of　women　of　such　exact　shapes

and　features　that　I　should　have　thought　myself　in　a　gallery　of

beauties；　had　not　a　certain　sallow　paleness　in　their　complexions

given　me　a　more　distasteful　idea。　　Through　this　I　proceeded　to　a

second　apartment；　adorned；　if　I　may　so　call　it；　with　the　figures

of　old　ladies。　　Upon　my　seeming　to　admire　at　this　furniture；　the

servant　told　me　with　a　smile　that　these　had　been　very　good

friends　of　his　lady；　and　had　done　her　eminent　service　in　the

lower　world。　　I　immediately　recollected　the　faces　of　one　or　two

of　my　acquaintance；　who　had　formerly　kept　bagnios；　but　was　very

much　surprised　to　see　the　resemblance　of　a　lady　of　great

distinction　in　such　company。　　The　servant；　upon　my　mentioning

this；　made　no　other　answer　than　that　his　lady　had　pictures　of　all

degrees。　　I　was　now　introduced　into　the　presence　of　the　lady

herself。　　She　was　a　thin；　or　rather　meager；　person；　very　wan　in

the　countenance；　had　no　nose　and　many　pimples　in　her　face。　　She

offered　to　rise　at　my　entrance；　but　could　not　stand。　　After　many

compliments；　much　congratulation　on　her　side；　and　the　most

fervent　expressions　of　gratitude　on　mine；　she　asked　me　many

questions　concerning　the　situation　of　her　affairs　in　the　lower

world；　most　of　which　I　answered　to　her　entire　satisfaction。　　At

last；　with　a　kind　of　forced　smile；　she　said；　〃I　suppose　the　pill

and　drop　go　on　swimmingly？〃　　I　told　her　they　were　reported　to

have　done　great　cures。　　She　replied　she　could　apprehend　no　danger

from　any　person　who　was　not　of　regular　practice；　〃for；　however

simple　mankind　are；〃　said　she；　〃or　however　afraid　they　are　of

death；　they　prefer　dying　in　a　regular　manner　to　being　cured　by　a

nostrum。〃　　She　then　expressed　great　pleasure　at　the　account　I

gave　her　of　the　beau　monde。　　She　said　she　had　herself　removed　the

hundreds　of　Drury　to　the　hundreds　of　Charing…cross；　and　was　very

much　delighted　to　find　they　had　spread　into　St。　James's；　that

she　imputed　this　chiefly　to　several　of　her　dear　and　worthy

friends；　who　had　lately　published　their　excellent　works；

endeavoring　to　extirpate　all　notions　of　religion　and　virtue；　and

particularly　to　the　deserving　author　of　the　Bachelor's　Estimate；

〃to　whom；〃　said　she；　〃if　I　had　not　reason　to　think　he　was　a

surgeon；　and　had　therefore　written　from　mercenary　views；　I　could

never　sufficiently　own　my　obligations。〃　　She　spoke　likewise

greatly　in　approbation　of　the　method；　so　generally　used　by

parents；　of　marrying　children　very　young；　and　without　the　least

affection　between　the　parties；　and　concluded　by　saying　that；　if

these　fashions　continued　to　spread；　she　doubted　not　but　she

should　shortly　be　the　only　disease　who　would　ever　receive　a　visit

from　any　person　of　considerable　rank。



While　we　were　discoursing　her　three　daughters　entered　the　room。　

They　were　all　called　by　hard　names；　the　eldest　was　named　Lepra；

the　second　Chaeras；　and　the　third　Scorbutia。＇8＇　They　were　all

genteel；　but　ugly。　　I　could　not　help　observing　the　little　respect

they　paid　their　parent；　which　the　old　lady　remarking　in　my

countenance；　as　soon　as　they　quitted　the　room；　which　soon

happened；　acquainted　me　with　her　unhappiness　in　her　offspring；

every　one　of　which　had　the　confidence　to　deny　themselves　to　be

her　children；　though　she　said　she　had　been　a　very　indulgent

mother　and　had　plentifully　provided　for　them　all。　　As　family

complaints　generally　as　much　tire　the　hearer　as　they　relieve　him

who　makes　them；　when　I　found　her　launching　farther　into　this

subject　I　resolved　to　put　an　end　to　my　visit；　and；　taking