from this world to the next-第28节

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find　that　my　father　treated　my　lord　Percy　with　much　more　coldness

than　usual；　he　too　saw　it；　and　we　both　wondered　what　could

possibly　be　the　cause　of　all　this。　　But　it　was　not　long　before

the　mystery　was　all　made　clear　by　my　father；　who；　sending　for　me

one　day　into　his　chamber；　let　me　into　a　secret　which　was　as

little　wished　for　as　expected。　　He　began　with　the　surprising

effects　of　youth　and　beauty；　and　the　madness　of　letting　go　those

advantages　they　might　procure　us　till　it　was　too　late；　when　we

might　wish　in　vain　to　bring　them　back　again。　　I　stood　amazed　at

this　beginning；　he　saw　my　confusion；　and　bid　me　sit　down　and

attend　to　what　he　was　going　to　tell　me；　which　was　of　the　greatest

consequence；　and　he　hoped　I　would　be　wise　enough　to　take　his

advice；　and　act　as　he　should　think　best　for　my　future　welfare。　

He　then　asked　me　if　I　should　not　be　much　pleased　to　be　a　queen？　

I　answered；　with　the　greatest　earnestness；　that；　so　far　from　it；

I　would　not　live　in　a　court　again　to　be　the　greatest　queen　in　the

world；　that　I　had　a　lover　who　was　both　desirous　and　able　to　raise

my　station　even　beyond　my　wishes。　　I　found　this　discourse　was

very　displeasing；　my　father　frowned；　and　called　me　a　romantic

fool；　and　said　if　I　would　hearken　to　him　he　could　make　me　a

queen；　for　the　cardinal　had　told　him　that　the　king；　from　the　time

he　saw　me　at　court　the　other　night；　liked　me；　and　intended　to　get

a　divorce　from　his　wife；　and　to　put　me　in　her　place；　and　ordered

him　to　find　some　method　to　make　me　a　maid　of　honor　to　her　present

majesty；　that　in　the　meantime　he　might　have　an　opportunity　of

seeing　me。　　It　is　impossible　to　express　the　astonishment　these

words　threw　me　into；　and；　notwithstanding　that　the　moment　before；

when　it　appeared　at　so　great　a　distance；　I　was　very　sincere　in　my

declaration　how　much　it　was　against　my　will　to　be　raised　so　high；

yet　now　the　prospect　came　nearer；　I　confess　my　heart　fluttered；

and　my　eyes　were　dazzled　with　a　view　of　being　seated　on　a　throne。



My　imagination　presented　before　me　all　the　pomp；　power　and

greatness　that　attend　a　crown；　and　I　was　so　perplexed　I　knew　not

what　to　answer；　but　remained　as　silent　as　if　I　had　lost　the　use

of　my　speech。　　My　father；　who　guessed　what　it　was　that　made　me　in

this　condition；　proceeded　to　bring　all　the　arguments　he　thought

most　likely　to　bend　me　to　his　will；　at　last　I　recovered　from　this

dream　of　grandeur；　and　begged　him；　by　all　the　most　endearing

names　I　could　think　of；　not　to　urge　me　dishonorably　to　forsake

the　man　who　I　was　convinced　would　raise　me　to　an　empire　if　in　his

power；　and　who　had　enough　in　his　power　to　give　me　all　I　desired。　

But　he　was　deaf　to　all　I　could　say；　and　insisted　that　by　next

week　I　should　prepare　myself　to　go　to　court：　　he　bid　me　consider

of　it；　and　not　prefer　a　ridiculous　notion　of　honor　to　the　real

interest　of　my　whole　family；　but；　above　all　things；　not　to

disclose　what　he　had　trusted　me　with。　　On　which　he　left　me　to　my

own　thoughts。　　When　I　was　alone　I　reflected　how　little　real

tenderness　this　behavior　showed　to　me；　whose　happiness　he　did　not

at　all　consult；　but　only　looked　on　me　as　a　ladder；　on　which　he

could　climb　to　the　height　of　his　own　ambitious　desires：　　and　when

I　thought　on　his　fondness　for　me　in　my　infancy　I　could　impute　it

to　nothing　but　either　the　liking　me　as　a　plaything　or　the

gratification　of　his　vanity　in　my　beauty。　　But　I　was　too　much

divided　between　a　crown　and　my　engagement　to　lord　Percy　to　spend

much　time　in　thinking　of　anything　else；　and；　although　my　father

had　positively　forbid　me；　yet；　when　he　came　next；　I　could　not

help　acquainting　him　with　all　that　had　passed；　with　the　reserve

only　of　the　struggle　in　my　own　mind　on　the　first　mention　of　being

a　queen。　　I　expected　he　would　have　received　the　news　with　the

greatest　agonies；　but　he　showed　no　vast　emotion：　　however；　he

could　not　help　turning　pale；　and；　taking　me　by　the　hand；　looked

at　me　with　an　air　of　tenderness；　and　said；　'If　being　a　queen

would　make　you　happy；　and　it　is　in　your　power　to　be　so；　I　would

not　for　the　world　prevent　it；　let　me　suffer　what　I　will。'　　This

amazing　greatness　of　mind　had　on　me　quite　the　contrary　effect

from　what　it　ought　to　have　had；　for；　instead　of　increasing　my

love　for　him　it　almost　put　an　end　to　it；　and　I　began　to　think；　if

he　could　part　with　me；　the　matter　was　not　much。　　And　I　am

convinced；　when　any　man　gives　up　the　possession　of　a　woman　whose

consent　he　has　once　obtained；　let　his　motive　be　ever　so　generous；

he　will　disoblige　her。　　I　could　not　help　showing　my

dissatisfaction；　and　told　him　I　was　very　glad　this　affair　sat　so

easily　on　him。　　He　had　not　power　to　answer；　but　was　so　suddenly

struck　with　this　unexpected　ill…natured　turn　I　gave　his　behavior；

that　he　stood　amazed　for　some　time；　and　then　bowed　and　left　me。　

Now　I　was　again　left　to　my　own　reflections；　but　to　make　anything

intelligible　out　of　them　is　quite　impossible：　　I　wished　to　be　a

queen；　and　wished　I　might　not　be　one：　　I　would　have　my　lord　Percy

happy　without　me；　and　yet　I　would　not　have　the　power　of　my　charms

be　so　weak　that　he　could　bear　the　thought　of　life　after　being

disappointed　in　my　love。　　But　the　result　of　all　these　confused

thoughts　was　a　resolution　to　obey　my　father。　　I　am　afraid　there

was　not　much　duty　in　the　case；　though　at　that　time　I　was　glad　to

take　hold　of　that　small　shadow　to　save　me　from　looking　on　my　own

actions　in　the　true　light。　　When　my　lover　came　again　I　looked　on

him　with　that　coldness　that　he　could　not　bear；　on　purpose　to　rid

myself　of　all　importunity：　　for　since　I　had　resolved　to　use　him

ill　I　regarded　him　as　the　monument　of　my　shame；　and　his　every

look　appeared　to　me　to　upbraid　me。　　My　father　soon　carried　me　to

court；　there　I　had　no　very　hard　part　to　act；　for；　with　the

experience　I　had　had　of　mankind；　I　could　find　no　great　difficulty

in　managing　a　man　who　liked　me；　and　for　whom　I　not　only　did　not

care　but　had　an　utter　aversion　to：　　but　this　aversion　he　believed

to　be　virtue；　for　how　credulous　is　a　man　who　has　an　inclination

to　believe！　　And　I　took　care　sometimes　to　drop　words　of　cottages

and　love；　and　how　happy　the　woman　was　who　fixed　her　affections　on

a　man　in　such　a　station　of　life　that　she　might　show　her　love

without　being　suspected　of　hypocrisy　or　mercenary　views。　　All

this　was　swallowed　very　easily　by　the　amorous　king；　who　pushed　on

the　divorce　with　the　utmost　impetuosity；　although　the　affair

lasted　a　good　while；　and　I　remained　most　part　of　the　time　behind

the　curtain。　　Whenever　the　king　mentioned　it　to　me　I　used　such

arguments　against　it　as　I　thought　the　most　likely　to　make　him　the

more　eager　for　it；　begging　that；　unless　his　conscience　was　really

touched；　he　would　not　on　my　account　give　any　grief　to　his

virtuous　queen；　for　in　being　her　handmaid　I　thought　myself　highly

honored；　and　that　I　would　not　only　forego　a　crown；　but　even　give

up　the　pleasure　of　ever　seeing　him　more；　rather　than　wrong　my

royal　mistress。　　This　way　of　talking；　joined　to　his　eager　desire

to　possess　my　person；　convinced　the　king　so　strongly　of　my

exalted　merit；　that　he　thought　it　a　meritorious　act　to　displace

the　woman　（whom　he　could　not　have　so　good　an　opinion　of；　because

he　was　tired　of　her）；　and　to　put　me　in　her　place。　　After　about　a

year's　stay　at　court；　as　the　king's　love　to　me　began　to　be　talked

of；　it　was　thought　proper　to　remove　me；　that　there　might　be　no

umbrage　given　to　the　queen's　party。　　I　was　forced　to　comply　with

this；　though　greatly　against　my　will；　for　I　was　very　jealous　that

absence　might　change　the　king's　mind。　　I　retired　again　with　my

father　to　his　country…seat；　but　it　had　no　longer　those　charms　for

me　which　I　once　enjoyed　there；　for　my　mind　was　now　too　much　taken

up　with　ambition　to　make　room　for　any　other　thoughts。　　During　my

stay　here；　my　royal　lover　often　sent　gentlemen　to　me　with

messages　and　letters；　which　I　always　answered　in　the　manner　I

thought　would　best　bring　about　my　designs；　which　were　to　come

back　again　to　court。　　In　all　the　letters　that　passed　between　us

there　was　something　so　kingly　and　commanding　in　his；　and　so

deceitful　and　submissive　in　mine；　that　I　sometimes　could　not　help

reflecting　on　the　difference　betwixt　this　correspondence　and　that

with　lord　Percy；　yet　I　was　so　pressed　forward　by　the　desire　of　a

crown；　I　could　not　think　of　turning　back。　　In　all　I　wrote　I

continually　praised　his　resolution　of　letting　me　be　at　a　distance

from　him；　since　at　this　time　it　conduced　indeed　to　my　honor；　but；

what　was　of　ten　times　more　weight　with　me；　I　thought　it　was

necessary　for　his；　and　I　would　sooner　suffer　anything　in　the

world　than　be　any　means　of　hurt　to　him；　either　in　his　interest　or

reputation。　　I　always　gave　some　hints　of　ill　health；　with　some

reflections　how　necessary　the　peace　of　the　mind　was　to　that　of

the　body。　　By　these　means　I　brought　him　to　recall　me　again　by　the

most　absolute　command；　which　I；　for　a　little　time；　artfully

delayed　（for　I　knew　the　impatience　of　his　temp