from this world to the next-第26节

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〃My　infancy　was　spent　in　my　father's　house；　in　those　childish

plays　which　are　most　suitable　to　that　state；　and　I　think　this　was

one　of　the　happiest　parts　of　my　life；　for　my　parents　were　not

among　the　number　of　those　who　look　upon　their　children　as　so　many

objects　of　a　tyrannic　power；　but　I　was　regarded　as　the　dear

pledge　of　a　virtuous　love；　and　all　my　little　pleasures　were

thought　from　their　indulgence　their　greatest　delight。　　At　seven

years　old　I　was　carried　into　France　with　the　king's　sister；　who

was　married　to　the　French　king；　where　I　lived　with　a　person　of

quality；　who　was　an　acquaintance　of　my　father's。　　I　spent　my　time

in　learning　those　things　necessary　to　give　young　persons　of

fashion　a　polite　education；　and　did　neither　good　nor　evil；　but

day　passed　after　day　in　the　same　easy　way　till　I　was　fourteen；

then　began　my　anxiety；　my　vanity　grew　strong；　and　my　heart

fluttered　with　joy　at　every　compliment　paid　to　my　beauty：　　and　as

the　lady　with　whom　I　lived　was　of　a　gay；　cheerful　disposition；

she　kept　a　great　deal　of　company；　and　my　youth　and　charms　made　me

the　continual　object　of　their　admiration。　　I　passed　some　little

time　in　those　exulting　raptures　which　are　felt　by　every　woman

perfectly　satisfied　with　herself　and　with　the　behavior　of　others

towards　her：　　I　was；　when　very　young；　promoted　to　be　maid　of

honor　to　her　majesty。　　The　court　was　frequented　by　a　young

nobleman　whose　beauty　was　the　chief　subject　of　conversation　in

all　assemblies　of　ladies。　　The　delicacy　of　his　person；　added　to　a

great　softness　in　his　manner；　gave　everything　he　said　and　did

such　an　air　of　tenderness；　that　every　woman　he　spoke　to　flattered

herself　with　being　the　object　of　his　love。　　I　was　one　of　those

who　was　vain　enough　of　my　own　charms　to　hope　to　make　a　conquest

of　him　whom　the　whole　court　sighed　for。　　I　now　thought　every

other　object　below　my　notice；　yet　the　only　pleasure　I　proposed　to

myself　in　this　design　was；　the　triumphing　over　that　heart　which　I

plainly　saw　all　the　ladies　of　the　highest　quality　and　the

greatest　beauty　would　have　been　proud　of　possessing。　　I　was　yet

too　young　to　be　very　artful；　but　nature；　without　any　assistance；

soon　discovers　to　a　man　who　is　used　to　gallantry　a　woman's　desire

to　be　liked　by　him；　whether　that　desire　arises　from　any

particular　choice　she　makes　of　him；　or　only　from　vanity。　　He　soon

perceived　my　thoughts；　and　gratified　my　utmost　wishes　by

constantly　preferring　me　before　all　other　women；　and　exerting　his

utmost　gallantry　and　address　to　engage　my　affections。　　This

sudden　happiness；　which　I　then　thought　the　greatest　I　could　have

had；　appeared　visible　in　all　my　actions；　I　grew　so　gay　and　so

full　of　vivacity　that　it　made　my　person　appear　still　to　a　better

advantage；　all　my　acquaintance　pretending　to　be　fonder　of　me　than

ever：　　though；　young　as　I　was；　I　plainly　saw　it　was　but　pretense；

for　through　all　their　endeavors　to　the　contrary　envy　would　often

break　forth　in　sly　insinuations　and　malicious　sneers；　which　gave

me　fresh　matter　of　triumph；　and　frequent　opportunities　of

insulting　them；　which　I　never　let　slip；　for　now　first　my　female

heart　grew　sensible　of　the　spiteful　pleasure　of　seeing　another

languish　for　what　I　enjoyed。　　Whilst　I　was　in　the　height　of　my

happiness　her　majesty　fell　ill　of　a　languishing　distemper；　which

obliged　her　to　go　into　the　country　for　the　change　of　air：　　my

place　made　it　necessary　for　me　to　attend　her；　and　which　way　he

brought　it　about　I　can't　imagine；　but　my　young　hero　found　means

to　be　one　of　that　small　train　that　waited　on　my　royal　mistress；

although　she　went　as　privately　as　possible。　　Hitherto　all　the

interviews　I　had　ever　had　with　him　were　in　public；　and　I　only

looked　on　him　as　the　fitter　object　to　feed　that　pride　which　had

no　other　view　but　to　show　its　power；　but　now　the　scene　was　quite

changed。　　My　rivals；　were　all　at　a　distance：　　the　place　we　went

to　was　as　charming　as　the　most　agreeable　natural　situation；

assisted　by　the　greatest　art；　could　make　it；　the　pleasant

solitary　walks　the　singing　of　birds；　the　thousand　pretty　romantic

scenes　this　delightful　place　afforded；　gave　a　sudden　turn　to　my

mind；　my　whole　soul　was　melted　into　softness；　and　all　my　vanity

was　fled。　　My　spark　was　too　much　used　to　affairs　of　this　nature

not　to　perceive　this　change；　at　first　the　profuse　transports　of

his　joy　made　me　believe　him　wholly　mine；　and　this　belief　gave　me

such　happiness　that　no　language　affords　words　to　express　it；　and

can　be　only　known　to　those　who　have　felt　it。　　But　this　was　of　a

very　short　duration；　for　I　soon　found　I　had　to　do　with　one　of

those　men　whose　only　end　in　the　pursuit　of　a　woman　is　to　make　her

fall　a　victim　to　an　insatiable　desire　to　be　admired。　　His　designs

had　succeeded；　and　now　he　every　day　grew　colder；　and；　as　if　by

infatuation；　my　passion　every　day　increased；　and；　notwithstanding

all　my　resolutions　and　endeavors　to　the　contrary；　my　rage　at　the

disappointment　at　once　both　of　my　love　and　pride；　and　at　the

finding　a　passion　fixed　in　my　breast　I　knew　not　how　to　conquer；

broke　out　into　that　inconsistent　behavior　which　must　always　be

the　consequence　of　violent　passions。　　One　moment　I　reproached

him；　the　next　I　grew　to　tenderness　and　blamed　myself；　and　thought

I　fancied　what　was　not　true：　　he　saw　my　struggle　and　triumphed　in

it；　but；　as　he　had　not　witnesses　enough　there　of　his　victory　to

give　him　the　full　enjoyment　of　it；　he　grew　weary　of　the　country

and　returned　to　Paris；　and　left　me　in　a　condition　it　is　utterly

impossible　to　describe。　　My　mind　was　like　a　city　up　in　arms；　all

confusion；　and　every　new　thought　was　a　fresh　disturber　of　my

peace。　　Sleep　quite　forsook　me；　and　the　anxiety　I　suffered　threw

me　into　a　fever　which　had　like　to　have　cost　me　my　life。　　With

great　care　I　recovered；　but　the　violence　of　the　distemper　left

such　a　weakness　on　my　body　that　the　disturbance　of　my　mind　was

greatly　assuaged；　and　now　I　began　to　comfort　myself　in　the

reflection　that　this　gentleman's　being　a　finished　coquette　was

very　likely　the　only　thing　could　have　preserved　me；　for　he　was

the　only　man　from　whom　I　was　ever　in　any　danger。　　By　that　time　I

was　got　tolerably　well　we　returned　to　Paris；　and　I　confess　I　both

wished　and　feared　to　see　this　cause　of　all　my　pain：　　however；　I

hoped；　by　the　help　of　my　resentment；　to　be　able　to　meet　him　with

indifference。　　This　employed　my　thoughts　till　our　arrival。　　The

next　day　there　was　a　very　full　court　to　congratulate　the　queen　on

her　recovery；　and　amongst　the　rest　my　love　appeared　dressed　and

adorned　as　if　he　designed　some　new　conquest。　　Instead　of　seeing　a

woman　he　despised　and　slighted；　he　approached　me　with　that

assured　air　which　is　common　to　successful　coxcombs。　　At　the　same

time　I　perceived　I　was　surrounded　by　all　those　ladies　who　were　on

his　account　my　greatest　enemies；　and；　in　revenge；　wished　for

nothing　more　than　to　see　me　make　a　ridiculous　figure。　　This

situation　so　perplexed　my　thoughts；　that　when　he　came　near　enough

to　speak　to　me；　I　fainted　away　in　his　arms。　　Had　I　studied　which

way　I　could　gratify　him　most；　it　was　impossible　to　have　done

anything　to　have　pleased　him　more。　　Some　that　stood　by　brought

smelling…bottles；　and　used　means　for　my　recovery；　and　I　was

welcomed　to　returning　life　by　all　those　repartees　which　women

enraged　by　envy　are　capable　of　venting。　　One　cried　'Well；　I　never

thought　my　lord　had　anything　so　frightful　in　his　person　or　so

fierce　in　his　manner　as　to　strike　a　young　lady　dead　at　the　sight

of　him。'　　'No；　no；'　says　another；　'some　ladies'　senses　are　more

apt　to　be　hurried　by　agreeable　than　disagreeable　objects。'　　With

many　more　such　sort　of　speeches　which　showed　more　malice　than

wit。　　This　not　being　able　to　bear；　trembling；　and　with　but　just

strength　enough　to　move；　I　crawled　to　my　coach　and　hurried　home。　

When　I　was　alone；　and　thought　on　what　had　happened　to　me　in　a

public　court；　I　was　at　first　driven　to　the　utmost　despair；　but

afterwards；　when　I　came　to　reflect；　I　believe　this　accident

contributed　more　to　my　being　cured　of　my　passion　than　any　other

could　have　done。　　I　began　to　think　the　only　method　to　pique　the

man　who　had　used　me　so　barbarously；　and　to　be　revenged　on　my

spiteful　rivals；　was　to　recover　that　beauty　which　was　then

languid　and　had　lost　its　luster；　to　let　them　see　I　had　still

charms　enough　to　engage　as　many　lovers　as　I　could　desire；　and

that　I　could　yet　rival　them　who　had　thus　cruelly　insulted　me。　

These　pleasing　hopes　revived　my　sinking　spirits。　　and　worked　a

more　effectual　cure　on　me　than　all　the　philosophy　and　advice　of

the　wisest　men　could　have　done。　　I　now　employed　all　my　time　and

care　in　adorning　my　person；　and　studying　the　surest　means　of

engaging　the　affections　of　others；　while　I　myself　continued　quite

indifferent；　for　I　resolved　for　the　future；　if　ever　one　soft

thought　made　its　way　to　my　heart；　to　fly　the　object　of　it；　and　by

new　lovers　to　drive　the　image　from　my　breast。　　I　consulted　my

glass　every　morning；　and　g