ragged lady, v2-第16节

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of　it？〃

〃I　know　that　is　the　way　you　feel　about　it；　but　I　am　not　certain　that　I
should　feel　so　myself　if　you　didn't　want　me　to。　　That's　what　I　got　to
thinking　about　last　night。〃　　She　added　hopefully；　〃But　perhaps　it　isn't
so　great　a　thing　as　I〃

〃It's　a　very　great　thing；〃　he　said；　and　from　standing　in　front　of　her；　he
now　sat　down　beyond　a　little　table　before　her　sofa。　　〃How　can　I　ask　you
to　share　my　life　if　you　don't　share　my　faith？〃

〃Why；　I　should　try　to　believe　everything　that　you　do；　of　cou'se。〃

〃Because　I　do？〃

〃Well…yes。〃

〃You　wring　my　heart！　　Are　you　willing　to　studyto　look　into　these
questionstoto〃　It　all　seemed　very　hopeless；　very　absurd；　but　she
answered　seriously：

〃Yes；　but　I　believe　it　would　all　come　back　to　just　where　it　is；　now。〃

〃What　you　say；　Clementina；　makes　me　so　happy；　but　it　ought　to　make　me
miserable！　　And　you　would　do　all　this；　be　all　this　for　me；　a　wretched　and
erring　creature　of　the　dust；　and　yet　not　do　it　forGod？〃

Clementina　could　only　say；　〃Perhaps　if　He　meant　me　to　do　it　for　Him；　He
would　have　made　me　want　to。　　He　made　you。〃

〃Yes；〃　said　Gregory；　and　for　a　long　time　he　could　not　say　any　more。　　He
sat　with　his　elbow　on　the　table；　and　his　head　against　his　lifted　hand。

〃You　see；〃　she　began；　gently；　〃I　got　to　thinking　that　even　if　I　eva　came
to　believe　what　you　wanted　me　to；　I　should　be　doing　it　after　all；　because
you　wanted　me　to〃

〃Yes；　yes；〃　he　answered；　desolately。　　〃There　is　no　way　out　of　it。　　If　you
only　hated　me；　Clementina；　despised　meI　don't　mean　that。　　But　if　you
were　not　so　good；　I　could　have　a　more　hope　for　youfor　myself。　　It's
because　you　are　so　good　that　I　can't　make　myself　wish　to　change　you；　and
yet　I　knowI　am　afraid　that　if　you　told　me　my　life　and　objects　were
wrong；　I　should　turn　from　them；　and　be　whatever　you　said。　　Do　you　tell　me
that？〃

〃No；　indeed！〃　cried　Clementina；　with　abhorrence。　　〃Then　I　should　despise
you。〃

He　seemed　not　to　heed　her。　　He　moved　his　lips　as　if　he　were　talking　to
himself；　and　he　pleaded；　〃What　shall　we　do？〃

〃We　must　try　to　think　it　out；　and　if　we　can'tif　you　can't　let　me　give
up　to　you　unless　I　do　it　for　the　same　reason　that　you　do；　and　if　I　can't
let　you　give　up　for　me；　and　I　know　I　could　neva　do　that；　then
we　mustn't！〃

〃Do　you　mean；　we　must　part？　　Not　see　each　other　again？〃

〃What　use　would　it　be？〃

〃None；〃　he　owned。　　She　had　risen；　and　he　stood　up　perforce。　　〃May　Imay
I　come　back　to　tell　you？〃

〃Tell　me　what？〃　she　asked。

〃You　are　right！　　If　I　can't　make　it　right；　I　won't　come。　　But　I　won't　say
good　bye。　　Ican't。〃

She　let　him　go；　and　Maddalena　came　in　at　the　door。　　〃Signorina；〃　she
said；　〃the　signora　is　not　well。　　Shall　I　send　for　the　doctor？〃

〃Yes；　yes；　Maddalena。　　Run！〃　cried　Clementina；　distractedly。　　She　hurried
to　Mrs。　Lander's　room；　where　she　found　her　too　sick　for　reproaches；　for
anything　but　appeals　for　help　and　pity。　　The　girl　had　not　to　wait　for
Doctor　Welwright's　coming　to　understand　that　the　attack　was　severer　than
any　before。

It　lasted　through　the　day；　and　she　could　see　that　he　was　troubled。　　It
had　not　followed　upon　any　imprudeuce；　as　Mrs。　Lander　pathetically　called
Clementina　to　witness　when　her　pain　had　been　so　far　quelled　that　she
could　talk　of　her　seizure。

He　found　her　greatly　weakened　by　it　the　next　day；　and　he　sat　looking
thoughtfully　at　her　before　he　said　that　she　needed　toning　up。　　She　caught
at　the　notion。　　〃Yes；　yes！　　That's　what　I　need；　docta！　　Toning　up！
That's　what　I　need。〃

He　suggested；　〃　How　would　you　like　to　try　the　sea　air；　and　the　bathsat
Venice？〃

〃Oh；　anything；　anywhere；　to　get　out　of　this　dreadful　hole！　　I　ha'n't　had
a　well　minute　since　I　came。　　And　Clementina；〃　the　sick　woman　whimpered；
〃is　so　taken　up　all　the　time；　he'a；　that　I　can't　get　the　right
attention。〃

The　doctor　looked　compassionately　away　from　the　girl；　and　said；　〃　Well；
we　must　arrange　about　getting　you　off；　then。〃

〃But　I　want　you　should　go　with　me；　doctor；　and　see　me　settled　all　right。
You　can；　can't　you？　　I　sha'n't　ca'e　how　much　it　costs？〃

The　doctor　said　gravely　he　thought　he　could　manage　it　and　he　ignored　the
long　unconscious　sigh　of　relief　that　Clementina　drew。

In　all　her　confusing　anxieties　for　Mrs。　Lander；　Gregory　remained　at　the
bottom　of　her　heart　a　dumb　ache。　　When　the　pressure　of　her　fears　was
taken　from　her　she　began　to　suffer　for　him　consciously；　then　a　letter
came　from　him：

　　　　　〃I　cannot　make　it　right。　　It　is　where　it　was；　and　I　feel　that　I　must
　　　　　not　see　you　again。　　I　am　trying　to　do　right；　but　with　the　fear　that
　　　　　I　am　wrong。　　Send　some　word　to　help　me　before　I　go　away　to…morrow。
　　　　　F。　G。〃

It　was　what　she　had　expected；　she　knew　now；　but　it　was　none　the　less　to
be　borne　because　of　her　expectation。　　She　wrote　back：

　　　　　〃I　believe　you　are　doing　the　best　you　can；　and　I　shall　always
　　　　　believe　that。

Her　note　brought　back　a　long　letter　from　him。　　He　said　that　whatever　he
did；　or　wherever　he　went；　he　should　try　to　be　true　to　her　ideal　of　him。
If　they　renounced　their　love　now　for　the　sake　of　what　seemed　higher　than
their　love；　they　might　suffer；　but　they　could　not　choose　but　do　as　they
were　doing。

Clementina　was　trying　to　make　what　she　could　of　this　when　Miss　Milray's
name　came　up；　and　Miss　Milray　followed　it。

〃I　wanted　to　ask　after　Mrs。　Lander；　and　I　want　you　to　tell　her　；　I　did。
Will　you？　　Dr。　Welwright　says　he's　going　to　take　her　to　Venice。　　Well；
I'm　sorrysorry　for　your　going；　Clementina；　and　I'm　truly　sorry　for　the
cause　of　it。　　I　shall　miss　you；　my　dear；　I　shall　indeed。　　You　know　I
always　wanted　to　steal　you；　but　you'll　do　me　the　justice　to　say　I　never
did；　and　I　won't　try；　now。〃

〃Perhaps　I　wasn't　worth　stealing；〃　Clementina　suggested；　with　a
ruefulness　in　her　smile　that　went　to　Miss　Milray's　heart。

She　put　her　arms　round　her　and　kissed　her。　I　wasn't　very　kind　to　you；　the
other　day；　Clementina；　was　I？〃

〃I　don't　know；〃　Clementina　faltered；　with　half…averted　face。

〃Yes；　you　do！　　I　was　trying　to　make…believe　that　I　didn't　want　to　meddle
with　your　affairs；　but　I　was　really　vexed　that　you　hadn't　told　me　your
story　before。　　It　hasn't　taken　me　all　this　time　to　reflect　that　you
couldn't；　but　it　has　to　make　myself　come　and　confess　that　I　had　been　dry
and　cold　with　you。〃　　She　hesitated。　　〃It's　come　out　all　right；　hasn't　it；
Clementina？〃　she　asked；　tenderly。　　〃You　see　I　want　to　meddle；　now。〃

〃We　ah'　trying　to　think　so；〃　sighed　the　girl。

〃Tell　me　about　it！〃　Miss　Milray　pulled　her　down　on　the　sofa　with　her；　and
modified　her　embrace　to　a　clasp　of　Clementina's　bands。

〃Why；　there　isn't　much　to　tell；〃　she　began；　but　she　told　what　there　was；
and　Miss　Milray　kept　her　countenance　concerning　the　scruple　that　had
parted　Clementina　and　her　lover。　　〃Perhaps　he　wouldn't　have　thought　of
it；〃　she　said；　in　a　final　self…reproach；　if　I　hadn't　put　it　into　his
head。〃

〃Well；　then；　I'm　not　sorry　you　put　it　into　his　head；〃　cried　Miss　Milray。
〃Clementina；　may　I　say　what　I　think　of　Mr。　Gregory's　performance？〃

〃Why；　certainly；　Miss　Milray！〃

I　think　he's　not　merely　a　gloomy　little　bigot；　but　a　very　hard…hearted
little　wretch；　and　I'm　glad　you're　rid　of　him。　　No；　stop！　　Let　me　go　on！
You　said　I　might！　　she　persisted；　at　a　protest　which　imparted　itself　from
Clementina's　restive　hands。　　〃It　was　selfish　and　cruel　of　him　to　let　you
believe　that　he　had　forgotten　you。　　It　doesn't　make　it　right　now；　when　an
accident　has　forced　him　to　tell　you　that　he　cared　for　you　all　along。〃

〃Why；　do　you　look　at　it　that　way；　Miss　Milray？　　If　he　was　doing　it　on　my
account？〃

〃He　may　think　he　was　doing　it　on　your　account；　but　I　think　he　was　doing
it　on　his　own。　　In　such　a　thing　as　that；　a　man　is　bound　by　his　mistakes；
if　he　has　made　any。　　He　can't　go　back　of　them　by　simply　ignoring　them。
It　didn't　make　it　the　same　for　you　when　he　decided　for　your　sake　that　he
would　act　as　if　he　had　never　spoken　to　you。〃

〃I　presume　he　thought　that　it　would　come　right；　sometime；〃　Clementina
urged。　　〃I　did。〃

〃Yes；　that　was　very　well　for　you；　but　it　wasn't　at　all　well　for　him。　　He
behaved　cruelly；　there's　no　other　word　for　it。〃

〃I　don't　believe　he　meant　to　be　cruel；　Miss　Milray；〃　said　Clementina。

〃You're　not　sorry　you've　broken　with　him？〃　　demanded　Miss　Milray；
severely；　and　she　let　go　of　Clementina's　hands。

〃I　shouldn't　want　him　to　think　I　hadn't　been　fai'a。〃

〃I　don't　understand　what　you　mean　by　not　being　fair；〃　said　Miss　Milray；
after　a　study　of　the　girl's　eyes。

〃I　mean；〃　Clementina　explained；　〃that　if　I　let　him　think　the　religion　was
all　the'e　was；　it　wouldn't　have　been　fai'a。〃

Why；　weren't　you　sincere　about　that？〃

〃Of　cou'se　I　was！〃　returned　the　girl；　almost　indignantly。　　〃But　if　the'e
was　anything　else；　I　ought　to　have　told　him　that；　too；　and　I　couldn't。〃

〃Then　you　can't　tell　me；　of　course？〃　　Miss　Milray　rose　in　a　little　pique。

〃Perhaps　some　day　I　will；〃　the　girl　entreated。　　〃And　perhaps　that　was
all。〃

Miss　Milray　laughed。　　〃Well；　if　that　was　enough　to　end　it；　I'm　satisfied；
and　I'll　let　you　keep　your　mysteryif　it　is　onetill　we　meet　in　Venice；
I　shall　be　there　early　in　June。　　Good　bye；　dear；　and　say　good　bye　to　Mrs。
Lander　for　me。〃




XXVIII。

Dr。　Welwright　got　h