stories by modern american authors-第55节

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by　these　tokens；　but；　strange　as　it　may　seem；　I　found；　in　the

present　state　of　my　mind；　no　relief　but　in　the　persuasion　that

Pleyel　was　unhappy。



That　unhappiness；　indeed；　depended　for　its　value　in　my　eyes　on　the

cause　that　produced　it。　　There　was　but　one　source　whence　it　could

flow。　　A　nameless　ecstasy　thrilled　through　my　frame　when　any　new

proof　occurred　that　the　ambiguousness　of　my　behavior　was　the　cause。





IV





My　brother　had　received　a　new　book　from　Germany。　　It　was　a　tragedy；

and　the　first　attempt　of　a　Saxon　poet　of　whom　my　brother　had　been

taught　to　entertain　the　highest　expectations。　　The　exploits　of

Zisca；　the　Bohemian　hero；　were　woven　into　a　dramatic　series　and

connection。　　According　to　German　custom；　it　was　minute　and　diffuse；

and　dictated　by　an　adventurous　and　lawless　fancy。　　It　was　a　chain

of　audacious　acts　and　unheard…of　disasters。　　The　moated　fortress

and　the　thicket；　the　ambush　and　the　battle；　and　the　conflict　of

headlong　passions；　were　portrayed　in　wild　numbers　and　with　terrific

energy。　　An　afternoon　was　set　apart　to　rehearse　this　performance。

The　language　was　familiar　to　all　of　us　but　Carwin；　whose　company；

therefore；　was　tacitly　dispensed　with。



The　morning　previous　to　this　intended　rehearsal　I　spent　at　home。

My　mind　was　occupied　with　reflections　relative　to　my　own　situation。

The　sentiment　which　lived　with　chief　energy　in　my　heart　was

connected　with　the　image　of　Pleyel。　　In　the　midst　of　my　anguish；　I

had　not　been　destitute　of　consolation。　　His　late　deportment　had

given　spring　to　my　hopes。　　Was　not　the　hour　at　hand　which　should

render　me　the　happiest　of　human　creatures？　　He　suspected　that　I

looked　with　favorable　eyes　upon　Carwin。　　Hence　arose　disquietudes

which　he　struggled　in　vain　to　conceal。　　He　loved　me；　but　was

hopeless　that　his　love　would　be　compensated。　　Is　it　not　time；　said

I；　to　rectify　this　error？　　But　by　what　means　is　this　to　be

effected？　　It　can　only　be　done　by　a　change　of　deportment　in　me；　but

how　must　I　demean　myself　for　this　purpose？



I　must　not　speak。　　Neither　eyes　nor　lips　must　impart　the

information。　　He　must　not　be　assured　that　my　heart　is　his；　previous

to　the　tender　of　his　own；　but　he　must　be　convinced　that　it　has　not

been　given　to　another；　he　must　be　supplied　with　space　whereon　to

build　a　doubt　as　to　the　true　state　of　my　affections；　he　must　be

prompted　to　avow　himself。　　The　line　of　delicate　propriety；how

hard　it　is　not　to　fall　short；　and　not　to　overleap　it！



This　afternoon　we　shall　meet。　。　。　。　　We　shall　not　separate　till

late。　　It　will　be　his　province　to　accompany　me　home。　　The　airy

expanse　is　without　a　speck。　　This　breeze　is　usually　steadfast；　and

its　promise　of　a　bland　and　cloudless　evening　may　be　trusted。　　The

moon　will　rise　at　eleven；　and　at　that　hour　we　shall　wind　along　this

bank。　　Possibly　that　hour　may　decide　my　fate。　　If　suitable

encouragement　be　given；　Pleyel　will　reveal　his　soul　to　me；　and　I；

ere　I　reach　this　threshold；　will　be　made　the　happiest　of　beings。



And　is　this　good　to　be　mine？　　Add　wings　to　thy　speed；　sweet

evening；　and　thou；　moon；　I　charge　thee；　shroud　thy　beams　at　the

moment　when　my　Pleyel　whispers　love。　　I　would　not　for　the　world

that　the　burning　blushes　and　the　mounting　raptures　of　that　moment

should　be　visible。



But　what　encouragement　is　wanting？　　I　must　be　regardful　of

insurmountable　limits。　　Yet；　when　minds　are　imbued　with　a　genuine

sympathy；　are　not　words　and　looks　superfluous？　　Are　not　motion　and

touch　sufficient　to　impart　feelings　such　as　mine？　　Has　he　not　eyed

me　at　moments　when　the　pressure　of　his　hand　has　thrown　me　into

tumults；　and　was　it　impossible　that　he　mistook　the　impetuosities　of

love　for　the　eloquence　of　indignation？



But　the　hastening　evening　will　decide。　　Would　it　were　come！　　And

yet　I　shudder　at　its　near　approach。　　An　interview　that　must　thus

terminate　is　surely　to　be　wished　for　by　me；　and　yet　it　is　not

without　its　terrors。　　Would　to　heaven　it　were　come　and　gone！



I　feel　no　reluctance；　my　friends；　to　be　thus　explicit。　　Time　was；

when　these　emotions　would　be　hidden　with　immeasurable　solicitude

from　every　human　eye。　　Alas！　these　airy　and　fleeting　impulses　of

shame　are　gone。　　My　scruples　were　preposterous　and　criminal。　　They

are　bred　in　all　hearts　by　a　perverse　and　vicious　education；　and

they　would　still　have　maintained　their　place　in　my　heart；　had　not

my　portion　been　set　in　misery。　　My　errors　have　taught　me　thus　much

wisdom：that　those　sentiments　which　we　ought　not　to　disclose　it　is

criminal　to　harbor。



It　was　proposed　to　begin　the　rehearsal　at　four　o'clock。　　I　counted

the　minutes　as　they　passed；　their　flight　was　at　once　too　rapid　and

too　slow：　my　sensations　were　of　an　excruciating　kind；　I　could　taste

no　food；　nor　apply　to　any　task；　nor　enjoy　a　moment's　repose；　when

the　hour　arrived　I　hastened　to　my　brother's。



Pleyel　was　not　there。　　He　had　not　yet　come。　　On　ordinary　occasions

he　was　eminent　for　punctuality。　　He　had　testified　great　eagerness

to　share　in　the　pleasures　of　this　rehearsal。　　He　was　to　divide　the

task　with　my　brother；　and　in　tasks　like　these　he　always　engaged

with　peculiar　zeal。　　His　elocution　was　less　sweet　than　sonorous；

and；　therefore；　better　adapted　than　the　mellifluences　of　his　friend

to　the　outrageous　vehemence　of　this　drama。



What　could　detain　him？　　Perhaps　he　lingered　through　forgetfulness。

Yet　this　was　incredible。　　Never　had　his　memory　been　known　to　fail

upon　even　more　trivial　occasions。　　Not　less　impossible　was　it　that

the　scheme　had　lost　its　attractions；　and　that　he　stayed　because　his

coming　would　afford　him　no　gratification。　　But　why　should　we　expect

him　to　adhere　to　the　minute？



A　half…hour　elapsed；　but　Pleyel　was　still　at　a　distance。　　Perhaps

he　had　misunderstood　the　hour　which　had　been　proposed。　　Perhaps　he

had　conceived　that　to…morrow；　and　not　to…day；　had　been　selected　for

this　purpose；　but　no。　　A　review　of　preceding　circumstances

demonstrated　that　such　misapprehension　was　impossible；　for　he　had

himself　proposed　this　day；　and　this　hour。　　This　day　his　attention

would　not　otherwise　be　occupied；　but　to…morrow　an　indispensable

engagement　was　foreseen；　by　which　all　his　time　would　be　engrossed；

his　detention；　therefore；　must　be　owing　to　some　unforeseen　and

extraordinary　event。　　Our　conjectures　were　vague；　tumultuous；　and

sometimes　fearful。　　His　sickness　and　his　death　might　possibly　have

detained　him。



Tortured　with　suspense；　we　sat　gazing　at　each　other；　and　at　the

path　which　led　from　the　road。　　Every　horseman　that　passed　was；　for

a　moment；　imagined　to　be　him。　　Hour　succeeded　hour；　and　the　sun；

gradually　declining；　at　length　disappeared。　　Every　signal　of　his

coming　proved　fallacious；　and　our　hopes　were　at　length　dismissed。

His　absence　affected　my　friends　in　no　insupportable　degree。　　They

should　be　obliged；　they　said；　to　defer　this　undertaking　till　the

morrow；　and　perhaps　their　impatient　curiosity　would　compel　them　to

dispense　entirely　with　his　presence。　　No　doubt　some　harmless

occurrence　had　diverted　him　from　his　purpose；　and　they　trusted　that

they　should　receive　a　satisfactory　account　of　him　in　the　morning。



It　may　be　supposed　that　this　disappointment　affected　me　in　a　very

different　manner。　　I　turned　aside　my　head　to　conceal　my　tears。　　I

fled　into　solitude；　to　give　vent　to　my　reproaches　without

interruption　or　restraint。　　My　heart　was　ready　to　burst　with

indignation　and　grief。　　Pleyel　was　not　the　only　object　of　my　keen

but　unjust　upbraiding。　　Deeply　did　I　execrate　my　own　folly。　　Thus

fallen　into　ruins　was　the　gay　fabric　which　I　had　reared！　　Thus　had

my　golden　vision　melted　into　air！



How　fondly　did　I　dream　that　Pleyel　was　a　lover！　　If　he　were；　would

he　have　suffered　any　obstacle　to　hinder　his　coming？　　〃Blind　and

infatuated　man！〃　I　exclaimed。　　〃Thou　sportest　with　happiness。　　The

good　that　is　offered　thee　thou　hast　the　insolence　and　folly　to

refuse。　　Well；　I　will　henceforth　intrust　my　felicity　to　no　one's

keeping　but　my　own。〃



The　first　agonies　of　this　disappointment　would　not　allow　me　to　be

reasonable　or　just。　　Every　ground　on　which　I　had　built　the

persuasion　that　Pleyel　was　not　unimpressed　in　my　favor　appeared　to

vanish。　　It　seemed　as　if　I　had　been　misled　into　this　opinion　by　the

most　palpable　illusions。



I　made　some　trifling　excuse；　and　returned；　much　earlier　than　I

expected；　to　my　own　house。　　I　retired　early　to　my　chamber；　without

designing　to　sleep。　　I　placed　myself　at　a　window；　and　gave　the

reins　to　reflection。



The　hateful　and　degrading　impulses　which　had　lately　controlled　me

were；　in　some　degree；　removed。　　New　dejection　succeeded；　but　was

now　produced　by　contemplating　my　late　behavior。　　Surely　that

passion　is　worthy　to　be　abhorred　which　obscures　our　understanding

and　urges　us　to　the　commission　of　injustice。　　What　right　had　I　to

expect　his　attendance？　　Had　I　not　demeaned　myself　like　one

indifferent　to　his　happiness；　and　as　having　bestowed　my　regards