the red cross girl(红十字姑娘)-第32节
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over the fact that she did not love him did not； to use his favorite
expression； 〃tend toward efficiency。〃 He removed from his sight the three
pictures of her he had cut from illustrated papers； and ceased to write to
her。
In his last letter he said： 〃I have told you how it is； and that is how it is
always going to be。 There never has been； there never can be any one but
you。 But my love is too precious； too sacred to be brought out every week
in a letter and dangled before your eyes like an advertisement of a motor…
car。 It is too wonderful a thing to be cheapened； to be subjected to slights
and silence。 If ever you should want it； it is yours。 It is here waiting。 But
you must tell me so。 I have done everything a man can do to make you
understand。 But you do not want me or my love。 And my love says to me：
'Don't send me there again to have the door shut in my face。 Keep me with
you to be your inspiration； to help you to live worthily。' And so it shall be。〃
When Helen read that letter she did not know what to do。 She did not
know how to answer it。 Her first impression was that suddenly she had
grown very old； and that some one had turned off the sun； and that in
consequence the world had naturally grown cold and dark。 She could not
see why the two hundred and forty…nine expected her to keep on doing
exactly the same things she had been doing with delight for six months；
and indeed for the last six years。 Why could they not see that no longer
was there any pleasure in them？ She would have written and told Latimer
that she found she loved him very dearly if in her mind there had not
arisen a fearful doubt。 Suppose his letter was not quite honest？ He said
that he would always love her； but how could she now know that？ Why
might not this letter be only his way of withdrawing from a position which
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he wished to abandon； from which； perhaps； he was even glad to escape？
Were this true； and she wrote and said all those things that were in her
heart； that now she knew were true； might she not hold him to her against
his will？ The love that once he had for her might no longer exist； and if； in
her turn； she told him she loved him and had always loved him； might he
not in some mistaken spirit of chivalry feel it was his duty to pretend to
care？ Her cheeks burned at the thought。 It was intolerable。 She could not
write that letter。 And as day succeeded day； to do so became more difficult。
And so she never wrote and was very unhappy。 And Latimer was very
unhappy。 But he had his work； and Helen had none； and for her life
became a game of putting little things together； like a picture puzzle； an
hour here and an hour there； to make up each day。 It was a dreary game。
From time to time she heard of him through the newspapers。 For； in
his own State； he was an 〃Insurgent〃 making a fight； the outcome of which
was expected to show what might follow throughout the entire West。
When he won his fight much more was written about him； and he became
a national figure。 In his own State the people hailed him as the next
governor； promised him a seat in the Senate。 To Helen this seemed to take
him further out of her life。 She wondered if now she held a place even in
his thoughts。
At Fair Harbor the two hundred and forty…nine used to joke with her
about her politician。 Then they considered Latimer of importance only
because Helen liked him。 Now they discussed him impersonally and over
her head； as though she were not present； as a power； an influence； as the
leader and exponent of a new idea。 They seemed to think she no longer
could pretend to any peculiar claim upon him； that now he belonged to all
of them。
Older men would say to her： 〃I hear you know Latimer？ What sort of a
man is he？〃
Helen would not know what to tell them。 She could not say he was a
man who sat with his back to a pine…tree； reading from a book of verse； or
halting to devour her with humble； entreating eyes。
She went South for the winter； the doctors deciding she was run down
and needed the change。 And with an unhappy laugh at her own expense
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she agreed in their diagnosis。 She was indifferent as to where they sent her；
for she knew wherever she went she must still force herself to go on
putting one hour on top of another； until she had built up the inexorable
and necessary twenty…four。
When she returned winter was departing； but reluctantly； and returning
unexpectedly to cover the world with snow； to eclipse the thin spring
sunshine with cheerless clouds。 Helen took herself seriously to task。 She
assured herself it was weak…minded to rebel。 The summer was coming and
Fair Harbor with all its old delights was before her。 She compelled herself
to take heart； to accept the fact that； after all； the world is a pretty good
place； and that to think only of the past； to live only on memories and
regrets； was not only cowardly and selfish； but； as Latimer had already
decided； did not tend toward efficiency。
Among the other rules of conduct that she imposed upon herself was
not to think of Latimer。 At least； not during the waking hours。 Should she；
as it sometimes happened； dream of himshould she imagine they were
again seated among the pines； riding across the downs； or racing at fifty
miles an hour through country roads； with the stone fences flying past；
with the wind and the sun in their eyes； and in their hearts happiness and
contentthat would not be breaking her rule。 If she dreamed of him； she
could not be held responsible。 She could only be grateful。
And then； just as she had banished him entirely from her mind； he
came East。 Not as once he had planned to come； only to see her； but with a
blare of trumpets； at the command of many citizens； as the guest of three
cities。 He was to speak at public meetings； to confer with party leaders； to
carry the war into the enemy's country。 He was due to speak in Boston at
Faneuil Hall on the first of May； and that same night to leave for the West；
and three days before his coming Helen fled from the city。 He had spoken
his message to Philadelphia； he had spoken to New York； and for a week
the papers had spoken only of him。 And for that week； from the sight of
his printed name； from sketches of him exhorting cheering mobs； from
snap…shots of him on rear platforms leaning forward to grasp eager hands；
Helen had shut her eyes。 And that during the time he was actually in
Boston she might spare herself further and more direct attacks upon her
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feelings she escaped to Fair Harbor； there to remain until； on the first of
May at midnight； he again would pass out of her life； maybe forever。 No
one saw in her going any significance。 Spring had come； and in
preparation for the summer season the house at Fair Harbor must be
opened and set in order； and the presence there of some one of the Page
family was easily explained。
She made the three hours' run to Fair Harbor in her car； driving it
herself； and as the familiar landfalls fell into place； she doubted if it would
not have been wiser had she stayed away。 For she found that the memories
of more than twenty summers at Fair Harbor had been wiped out by those
of one summer； by those of one man。 The natives greeted her joyously： the
boatmen； the fishermen； her own grooms and gardeners； the village
postmaster； the oldest inhabitant。 They welcomed her as though they were
her vassals and she their queen。 But it was the one man she had exiled
from Fair Harbor who at every turn wrung her heart and caused her throat
to tighten。 She passed the cottage where he had lodged； and hundreds of
years seemed to have gone since she used to wait for him in the street；
blowing noisily on her automobile horn； calling derisively to his open
windows。 Wherever sh
