whirligigs-第15节

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think？　　Vivienne　is　coming　to　cook　for　us！　　She　is　the

one　that　stayed　with　the　Montgomerys　a　whole　year。

And　now；　Billy；　dear；〃　she　concluded；　〃you　must　go

right　down　into　the　kitchen　and　discharge　H閘oise。　　She

has　been　drunk　again　the　whole　day　long。〃







　　　　　　　　SOCIOLOGY　IN　SERGE　AND　STRAW



The　season　of　irresponsibility　is　at　hand。　　Come；

let　us　twine　round　our　brows　wreaths　of　poison　ivy　（that

is　for　idiocy）；　and　wander　hand　in　hand　with　sociology

in　the　summer　fields。



Likely　as　not　the　world　is　flat。　　The　wise　men　have

tried　to　prove　that　it　is　round；　with　indifferent　success。

They　pointed　out　to　us　a　ship　going　to　sea；　and　bade　us

observe　that；　at　length；　the　convexity　of　the　earth　hid

from　our　view　all　but　the　vessel's　topmast。　　But　we

picked　up　a　telescope　and　looked；　and　saw　the　decks

and　hull　again。　　Then　the　wise　men　said：　〃Oh；　pshaw！

anyhow；　the　variation　of　the　intersection　of　the　equator

and　the　ecliptic　proves　it。〃　　We　could　not　see　this　through

our　telescope；　so　we　remained　silent。　　But　it　stands　to

reason　that；　if　the　world　were　round；　the　queues　of　China…

Men　would　stand　straight　up　from　their　heads　instead

of　hanging　down　their　backs；　as　travellers　assure　us　they　do。



Another　hot…weather　corroboration　of　the　flat　theory

is　the　fact　that　all　of　life；　as　we　know　it；　moves　in　little；

unavailing　circles。　　More　justly　than　to　anything　else；

it　can　be　likened　to　the　game　of　baseball。　　Crack！　　we

hit　the　ball；　and　away　we　go。　　If　we　earn　a　run　（in　life

we　call　it　success）　we　get　back　to　the　home　plate　and　sit

upon　a　bench。　　If　we　are　thrown　out；　we　walk　back　to　the

home　plate　　and　sit　upon　a　bench。



The　circumnavigators　of　the　alleged　globe　may

have　sailed　the　rim　of　a　watery　circle　back　to　the　same

port　again。　　The　truly　great　return　at　the　high　tide　of

their　attainments　to　the　simplicity　of　a　child。　　The

billionaire　sits　down　at　his　mahogany　to　his　bowl　of　bread

and　milk。　　When　you　reach　the　end　of　your　career；　just

take　down　the　sign　〃Goal〃　and　look　at　the　other　side　of

it。　　You　will　find　〃Beginning　Point〃　there。　　It　has　been

reversed　while　you　were　going　around　the　track。



But　this　is　humour；　and　must　be　stopped。　　Let　us

get　back　to　the　serious　questions　that　arise　whenever

Sociology　turns　summer　boarder。　　You　are　invited　to

consider　the　scene　of　the　story…wild；　Atlantic　waves；

thundering　against　a　wooded　and　rock…bound　shore　

in　the　Greater　City　of　New　York。



The　town　of　Fishampton；　on　the　south　shore　of　Long

Island；　is　noted　for　its　clam　fritters　and　the　summer

residence　of　the　Van　Plushvelts。



The　Van　Plushvelts　have　a　hundred　million　dollars；

and　their　name　is　a　household　word　with　tradesmen　and

photographers。



On　the　fifteenth　of　June　the　Van　Plushvelts　boarded

up　the　front　door　of　their　city　house；　carefully　deposited

their　cat　on　the　sidewalk；　instructed　the　caretaker　not

to　allow　it　to　eat　any　of　the　ivy　on　the　walls；　and　whizzed

away　in　a　40…horse…power　to　Fishampton　to　stray　alone

the　shade　　Amaryllis　not　being　in　their　class。　　If

a　subscriber　to　the　Toadies'　Magazine；　you　have

often　　You　say　you　are　not？　　Well；　you　buy　it　at　a

news…stand；　thinking　that　the　newsdealer　is　not　wise　to

you。　　But　he　knows　about　it　all。　　HE　knows　　HE

knows！　　I　say　that　you　have　often　seen　in　the　Toadies'

Magazine　pictures　of　the　Van　Plushvelts'　summer　home；

so　it　will　not　be　described　here。　　Our　business　is　with

young　Haywood　Van　Plushvelt；　sixteen　years　old；　heir

to　the　century　of　millions；　darling　of　the　financial　gods

and　great　grandson　of　Peter　Van　Plushvelt；　former　owner

of　a　particularly　fine　cabbage　patch　that　has　been　ruined

by　an　intrusive　lot　of　downtown　skyscrapers。



One　afternoon　young　Haywood　Van　Plushvelt　strolled

out　between　the　granite　gate　posts　of　〃Dolce　far　Niente〃

　that's　what　they　called　the　place；　and　it　was　an　improve…

ment　on　dolce　Far　Rockaway；　I　can　tell　you。



Haywood　walked　down　into　the　village。　　He　was

human；　after　all；　and　his　prospective　millions　weighed

upon　him。　　Wealth　had　wreaked　upon　him　its　direfullest。

He　was　the　product　of　private　tutors。　　Even　under　his

first　hobby…horse　had　tan　bark　been　strewn。　　He　had

been　born　with　a　gold　spoon；　lobster　fork　and　fish…set　in

his　mouth。　　For　which　I　hope；　later；　to　submit　justification；

I　must　ask　your　consideration　of　his　haberdashery　and

tailoring。



Young　Fortunatus　was　dressed　in　a　neat　suit　of　dark

blue　serge；　a　neat；　white　straw　hat；　neat　low…cut　tan　shoes；

of　the　well…known　〃immaculate〃　trade　mark；　a

neat；　narrow　four…in…hand　tie；　and　carried　a　slender；

neat；　bamboo　cane。



Down　Persimmon　Street　（there's　never　tree　north　of

Hagerstown；　Md。）　came　from　the　village　〃Smoky〃

Dodson；　fifteen　and　a　half；　worst　boy　in　Fishampton。

〃Smoky〃　was　dressed　in　a　ragged　red　sweater；　wrecked

and　weather…worn　golf　cap；　run…over　shoes；　and　trousers

of　the　〃serviceable〃　brand。　　Dust；　clinging　to　the　mois…

ture　induced　by　free　exercise；　darkened　wide　areas　of

his　face。　　〃Smoky〃　carried　a　baseball　bat；　and　a　league

ball　that　advertised　itself　in　the　rotundity　of　his　trousers

pocket。　　Haywood　stopped　and　passed　the　time　of　day。



〃Going　to　play　ball？〃　　he　asked。



〃Smoky's〃　eyes　and　countenance　confronted　him

with　a　frank　blue…and…freckled　scrutiny。



〃Me？〃　　he　said；　with　deadly　mildness；　〃sure　not。

Can't　you　see　I've　got　a　divin'　suit　on？　　I'm　goin'　up　in

a　submarine　balloon　to　catch　butterflies　with　a　two…inch

auger。



〃Excuse　me；〃　said　Haywood；　with　the　insulting　polite…

…ness　of　his　caste；　〃for　mistaking　you　for　a　gentleman。　　I

might　have　known　better。〃



〃How　might　you　have　known　better　if　you　thought　I

was　one？〃　　said　〃Smoky；〃　unconsciously　a　logician。



〃By　your　appearances；〃　said　Haywood。　　〃No　gentle…

man　is　dirty；　ragged　and　a　liar。〃



〃Smoky〃　hooted　once　like　a　ferry…boat；　spat　on　his

hand；　got　a　firm　grip　on　his　baseball　bat　and　then　dropped

it　against　the　fence。



〃Say；〃　said　he；　〃I　knows　you。　　You're　the　pup　that

belongs　in　that　swell　private　summer　sanitarium　for　city…

guys　over　there。　　I　seen　you　come　out　of　the　gate。　　You

can't　bluff　nobody　because　you're　rich。　　And　because

you　got　on　swell　clothes。　　Arabella！　　Yah！〃



〃Ragamuffin！〃　　said　Hay…wood。



〃Smoky〃　picked　up　a　fence…rail　splinter　and　laid　it　on

his　shoulder。



〃Dare　you　to　knock　it　off；〃　he　challenged。



〃I　wouldn't　soil　my　hands　with　you；〃　said　the　aristocrat。



〃'Fraid；〃　said　〃Smoky〃　concisely。　　〃Youse　city…

ducks　ain't　got　the　I　sand。　　I　kin　lick　you　with　one…

hand。〃



〃I　don't　wish　to　have　any　trouble　with　you；〃　said

Haywood。　　〃I　asked　you　a　civil　question；　and　you　replied；

like　a　　like　a　　a　cad。〃



〃Wot's　a　cad？〃　　asked　〃Smoky。〃



〃A　cad　is　a　disagreeable　person；〃　answered　Haywood；

〃who　lacks　manners　and　doesn't　know　his　place。　　They；

sometimes　play　baseball。〃



〃I　can　tell　you　what　a　mollycoddle　is；〃　said　〃Smoky。〃

〃It's　a　monkey　dressed　up　by　its　mother　and　sent　out　too

pick　daisies　on　the　lawn。〃



〃When　you　have　the　honour　to　refer　to　the　members

of　my　family；〃　said　Haywood；　with　some　dim　ideas

of　a　code　in　his　mind；　〃you'd　better　leave　the　ladies　out

of　your　remarks。〃



〃Ho！　　ladies！〃　　mocked　the　rude　one。　　〃I　say　ladies！

I　know　what　them　rich　women　in　the　city　does。　　They；

drink　cocktails　and　swear　and　give　parties　to　gorillas。

The　papers　says　so。〃



Then　Haywood　knew　that　it　must　be。　　He　took　off

his　coat；　folded　it　neatly　and　laid　it　on　the　roadside　grass；

placed　his　hat　upon　it　and　began　to　unknot　his　blue　silk

tie。



〃Hadn't　yer　better　ring　fer　yer　maid；　Arabella？〃

taunted　〃Smoky。〃　　〃Wot　yer　going　to　do　　go　to　bed？〃



〃I'm　going　to　give　you　a　good　trouncing；〃　said　the

hero。　　He　did　not　hesitate；　although　the　enemy　was　far

beneath　him　socially。　　He　remembered　that　his　father

once　thrashed　a　cabman；　and　the　papers　gave　it　two　col…

umns；　first　page。　　And　the　Toadies'　Magazine　had　a

special　article　on　Upper　Cuts　by　the　Upper　Classes；　and

ran　new　pictures　of　the　Van　Plushvelt　country　seat；　at

Fishampton。



〃Wot's　trouncing？〃　　asked　〃Smoky；〃　suspiciously。

〃I　don't　want　your　old　clothes。　　I'm　no　　oh；　you　mean

to　scrap！　　My；　my！　　I　won't　do　a　thing　to　mamma's　pet。

Criminy！　　I'd　hate　to　be　a　hand…laundered　thing　like

you。



〃Smoky〃　waited　with　some　awkwardness　for　his

adversary　to　prepare　for　battle。　　His　own　decks　were

always　clear　for　action。　　When　he　should　spit　upon　the

palm　of　his　terrible　right　it　was　equivalent　to　〃You　may

fire　now；　Gridley。〃



The　hated　patrician　advanced；　with　his　shirt　sleeves

neatly　rolled　up。　　〃Smoky〃　waited；　in　an　attitude　of

ease；　expecting　the　affair　to　be　conducted　according　to

Fishampton's　rules　of　war。　　These　allowed　combat

to　be　prefaced　by　stigma；　recrimination；　epithet；　abuse

and　insult　gradually　increasing　in　emphasis　and　degree。

After　a　round　o