burlesques-第98节

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dress　have　been　washed；　mended；　buttoned；　ironed；　and　mangled　in

the　Establishment。　　And；　by　an　arrangement　with　the　governors　of

the　Foundling；　it　is　hoped　that　THE　BABY…LINEN　OF　THAT　HOSPITAL

will　be　confided　to　the　British　Washerwoman's　Home！



〃With　such　prospects　before　it；　is　it　not　sad；　is　it　not　lamentable

to　think；　that　the　Patronesses　of　the　Society　have　been　compelled

to　reject　the　applications　of　no　less　than　THREE　THOUSAND　EIGHT

HUNDRED　AND　ONE　BRITISH　WASHERWOMEN；　from　lack　of　means　for　their

support？　　Ladies　of　England！　　Mothers　of　England！　to　you　we　appeal。

Is　there　one　of　you　that　will　not　respond　to　the　cry　in　behalf　of

these　deserving　members　of　our　sex？



〃It　has　been　determined　by　the　Ladies…Patronesses　to　give　a　fete　at

Beulah　Spa；　on　Thursday；　July　25；　which　will　be　graced　with　the

first　foreign　and　native　TALENT；　by　the　first　foreign　and　native

RANK；　and　where　they　beg　for　the　attendance　of　every　WASHERWOMAN'S

FRIEND。〃





Her　Highness　the　Princess　of　Schloppenzollernschwigmaringen；　the

Duke　of　Sacks…Tubbingen；　His　Excellency　Baron　Strumpff；　His

Excellency　Lootf…Allee…Koolee…Bismillah…Mohamed…Rusheed…Allah；　the

Persian　Ambassador；　Prince　Futtee…Jaw；　Envoy　from　the　King　of　Oude；

His　Excellency　Don　Alonzo　di　Cachachero…y…Fandango…y…Castanete；　the

Spanish　Ambassador；　Count　Ravioli；　from　Milan；　the　Envoy　of　the

Republic　of　Topinambo；　and　a　host　of　other　fashionables；　promised

to　honor　the　festival：　and　their　names　made　a　famous　show　in　the

bills。　　Besides　these；　we　had　the　celebrated　band　of　Moscow…musiks；

the　seventy…seven　Transylvanian　trumpeters；　and　the　famous　Bohemian

Minnesingers；　with　all　the　leading　artists　of　London；　Paris；　the

Continent；　and　the　rest　of　Europe。



I　leave　you　to　fancy　what　a　splendid　triumph　for　the　British

Washerwoman's　Home　was　to　come　off　on　that　day。　　A　beautiful　tent

was　erected；　in　which　the　Ladies…Patronesses　were　to　meet：　it　was

hung　round　with　specimens　of　the　skill　of　the　washerwomen's

orphans；　ninety…six　of　whom　were　to　be　feasted　in　the　gardens；

and　waited　on　by　the　Ladies…Patronesses。



Well；　Jemmy　and　my　daughter；　Madame　de　Flicflac；　myself；　the　Count；

Baron　Punter；　Tug；　and　Tagrag；　all　went　down　in　the　chariot　and

barouche…and…four；　quite　eclipsing　poor　Lady　Kilblazes　and　her

carriage…and…two。



There　was　a　fine　cold　collation；　to　which　the　friends　of　the

Ladies…Patronesses　were　admitted；　after　which；　my　ladies　and　their

beaux　went　strolling　through　the　walks；　Tagrag　and　the　Count　having

each　an　arm　of　Jemmy；　the　Baron　giving　an　arm　apiece　to　Madame　and

Jemimarann。　　Whilst　they　were　walking；　whom　should　they　light　upon

but　poor　Orlando　Crump；　my　successor　in　the　perfumery　and　hair…

cutting。



〃Orlando！〃　says　Jemimarann；　blushing　as　red　as　a　label；　and　holding

out　her　hand。



〃Jemimar！〃　says　he；　holding　out　his；　and　turning　as　white　as

pomatum。



〃SIR！〃　says　Jemmy；　as　stately　as　a　duchess。



〃What！　madam；〃　says　poor　Crump；　〃don't　you　remember　your　shopboy？〃



〃Dearest　mamma；　don't　you　recollect　Orlando？〃　whimpers　Jemimarann；

whose　hand　he　had　got　hold　of。



〃Miss　Tuggeridge　Coxe；〃　says　Jemmy；　〃I'm　surprised　of　you。

Remember；　sir；　that　our　position　is　altered；　and　oblige　me　by　no

more　familiarity。〃



〃Insolent　fellow！〃　says　the　Baron；　〃vat　is　dis　canaille？〃



〃Canal　yourself；　Mounseer；〃　says　Orlando；　now　grown　quite　furious：

he　broke　away；　quite　indignant；　and　was　soon　lost　in　the　crowd。

Jemimarann；　as　soon　as　he　was　gone；　began　to　look　very　pale　and

ill；　and　her　mamma；　therefore；　took　her　to　a　tent；　where　she　left

her　along　with　Madame　Flicflac　and　the　Baron；　going　off　herself

with　the　other　gentlemen；　in　order　to　join　us。



It　appears　they　had　not　been　seated　very　long；　when　Madame　Flicflac

suddenly　sprung　up；　with　an　exclamation　of　joy；　and　rushed　forward

to　a　friend　whom　she　saw　pass。



The　Baron　was　left　alone　with　Jemimarann；　and；　whether　it　was　the

champagne；　or　that　my　dear　girl　looked　more　than　commonly　pretty；　I

don't　know；　but　Madame　Flicflac　had　not　been　gone　a　minute；　when

the　Baron　dropped　on　his　knees；　and　made　her　a　regular　declaration。



Poor　Orlando　Crump　had　found　me　out　by　this　time；　and　was　standing

by　my　side；　listening；　as　melancholy　as　possible；　to　the　famous

Bohemian　Minnesingers；　who　were　singing　the　celebrated　words　of　the

poet　Gothy：





　　　　　　　　〃Ich　bin　ya　hupp　lily　lee；　du　bist　ya　hupp　lily　lee。

　　　　　　　　　Wir　sind　doch　hupp　lily　lee；　hupp　la　lily　lee。〃

〃ChorusYodle…odle…odle…odle…odle…odle　hupp！　yodle…odle…aw…o…o…o！〃





They　were　standing　with　their　hands　in　their　waistcoats；　as　usual；

and　had　just　come　to　the　〃o…o…o；〃　at　the　end　of　the　chorus　of　the

forty…seventh　stanza；　when　Orlando　started：　〃That's　a　scream！〃　says

he。　　〃Indeed　it　is；〃　says　I；　〃and；　but　for　the　fashion　of　the

thing；　a　very　ugly　scream　too：〃　when　I　heard　another　shrill　〃Oh！〃

as　I　thought；　and　Orlando　bolted　off；　crying；　〃By　heavens；　it's　HER

voice！〃　　〃Whose　voice？〃　says　I。　　〃Come　and　see　the　row；〃　says　Tag。

And　off　we　went；　with　a　considerable　number　of　people；　who　saw　this

strange　move　on　his　part。



We　came　to　the　tent；　and　there　we　found　my　poor　Jemimarann

fainting；　her　mamma　holding　a　smelling…bottle；　the　Baron；　on　the

ground；　holding　a　handkerchief　to　his　bleeding　nose；　and　Orlando

squaring　at　him；　and　calling　on　him　to　fight　if　he　dared。



My　Jemmy　looked　at　Crump　very　fierce。　　〃Take　that　feller　away；〃

says　she；　〃he　has　insulted　a　French　nobleman；　and　deserves

transportation；　at　the　least。〃



Poor　Orlando　was　carried　off。　　〃I've　no　patience　with　the　little

minx；〃　says　Jemmy；　giving　Jemimarann　a　pinch。　　〃She　might　be　a

Baron's　lady；　and　she　screams　out　because　his　Excellency　did　but

squeeze　her　hand。〃



〃Oh；　mamma！　mamma！〃　sobs　poor　Jemimarann；　〃but　he　was　t…t…tipsy。〃



〃T…t…tipsy！　and　the　more　shame　for　you；　you　hussy；　to　be　offended

with　a　nobleman　who　does　not　know　what　he　is　doing。〃





A　TOURNAMENT。





〃I　say；　Tug；〃　said　MacTurk；　one　day　soon　after　our　flareup　at

Beulah；　〃Kilblazes　comes　of　age　in　October；　and　then　we'll　cut　you

out；　as　I　told　you：　the　old　barberess　will　die　of　spite　when　she

hears　what　we　are　going　to　do。　　What　do　you　think？　we're　going　to

have　a　tournament！〃　　〃What's　a　tournament？〃　says　Tug；　and　so　said

his　mamma　when　she　heard　the　news；　and　when　she　knew　what　a

tournament　was；　I　think；　really；　she　WAS　as　angry　as　MacTurk　said

she　would　be；　and　gave　us　no　peace　for　days　together。　　〃What！〃　says

she；　〃dress　up　in　armor；　like　play…actors；　and　run　at　each　other

with　spears？　　The　Kilblazes　must　be　mad！　　〃And　so　I　thought；　but　I

didn't　think　the　Tuggeridges　would　be　mad　too；　as　they　were：　for；

when　Jemmy　heard　that　the　Kilblazes'　festival　was　to　be；　as　yet；　a

profound　secret；　what　does　she　do；　but　send　down　to　the　Morning

Post　a　flaming　account　of





〃THE　PASSAGE　OF　ARMS　AT　TUGGERIDGEVIILLE！



〃The　days　of　chivalry　are　NOT　past。　　The　fair　Castellane　of

T…gg…r…dgeville；　whose　splendid　entertainments　have　so　often　been

alluded　to　in　this　paper；　has　determined　to　give　one；　which　shall

exceed　in　splendor　even　the　magnificence　of　the　Middle　Ages。　　We　are

not　at　liberty　to　say　more；　but　a　tournament；　at　which　His　Ex…l…ncy

B…r…n　de　P…nt…r　and　Thomas　T…gr…g；　Esq。；　eldest　son　of　Sir　Ths

T…gr…g；　are　to　be　the　knights…defendants　against　all　comers；　a　QUEEN

OF　BEAUTY；　of　whose　loveliness　every　frequenter　of　fashion　has　felt

the　power；　a　banquet；　unexampled　in　the　annals　of　Gunter；　and　a

ball；　in　which　the　recollections　of　ancient　chivalry　will　blend

sweetly　with　the　soft　tones　of　Weippert　and　Collinet；　are　among　the

entertainments　which　the　Ladye　of　T…gg…ridgeville　has　prepared　for

her　distinguished　guests。〃





The　Baron　was　the　life　of　the　scheme；　he　longed　to　be　on　horseback；

and　in　the　field　at　Tuggeridgeville；　where　he；　Tagrag；　and　a　number

of　our　friends　practised：　he　was　the　very　best　tilter　present；　he

vaulted　over　his　horse；　and　played　such　wonderful　antics；　as　never

were　done　except　at　Ducrow's。



And　nowoh　that　I　had　twenty　pages；　instead　of　this　short　chapter；

to　describe　the　wonders　of　the　day！Twenty…four　knights　came　from

Ashley's　at　two　guineas　a　head。　　We　were　in　hopes　to　have　had　Miss

Woolford　in　the　character　of　Joan　of　Arc；　but　that　lady　did　not

appear。　　We　had　a　tent　for　the　challengers；　at　each　side　of　which

hung　what　they　called　ESCOACHINGS；　（like　hatchments；　which　they　put

up　when　people　die；）　and　underneath　sat　their　pages；　holding　their

helmets　for　the　tournament。　　Tagrag　was　in　brass　armor　（my　City

connections　got　him　that　famous　suit）；　his　Excellency　in　polished

steel。　　My　wife　wore　a　coronet；　modelled　exactly　after　that　of

Queen　Catharine；　in　〃Henry　V。；〃　a　tight　gilt　jacket；　which　set　off

dear　Jemmy's　figure　wonderfully；　and　a　train　of　at　least　forty

feet。　　Dear　Jemimarann　was　in　white；　her　hair　braided　with　pearls。

Madame　de　Flicflac　a