burlesques-第92节

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this　country　sixty　years　ago　as　a　cabin…boy；　had　arrived　to　be　the

head　of　a　great　house　in　India；　and　was　worth　millions；　we　were

told。



Three　years　after　Jemimarann's　birth　（and　two　after　the　death　of　my

lamented　father…in…law）；　Tuggeridge　（head　of　the　great　house　of

Budgurow　and　Co。）　retired　from　the　management　of　it；　handed　over

his　shares　to　his　son；　Mr。　John　Tuggeridge；　and　came　to　live　in

England；　at　Portland　Place；　and　Tuggeridgeville；　Surrey；　and　enjoy

himself。　　Soon　after；　my　wife　took　her　daughter　in　her　hand　and

went；　as　in　duty　bound；　to　visit　her　uncle：　but　whether　it　was　that

he　was　proud　and　surly；　or　she　somewhat　sharp　in　her　way；　（the　dear

girl　fears　nobody；　let　me　have　you　to　know；）　a　desperate　quarrel

took　place　between　them；　and　from　that　day　to　the　day　of　his　death；

he　never　set　eyes　on　her。　　All　that　he　would　condescend　to　do；　was

to　take　a　few　dozen　of　lavender…water　from　us　in　the　course　of　the

year；　and　to　send　his　servants　to　be　cut　and　shaved　by　us。　　All　the

neighbors　laughed　at　this　poor　ending　of　our　expectations；　for

Jemmy　had　bragged　not　a　little；　however；　we　did　not　care；　for　the

connection　was　always　a　good　one；　and　we　served　Mr。　Hock；　the

valet；　Mr。　Bar；　the　coachman；　and　Mrs。　Breadbasket；　the　housekeeper；

willingly　enough。　　I　used　to　powder　the　footman；　too；　on　great　days；

but　never　in　my　life　saw　old　Tuggeridge；　except　once：　when　he　said

〃Oh；　the　barber！〃　tossed　up　his　nose；　and　passed　on。



One　dayone　famous　day　last　Januaryall　our　Market　was　thrown

into　a　high　state　of　excitement　by　the　appearance　of　no　less　than

three　vehicles　at　our　establishment。　　As　me；　Jemmy；　my　daughter；

Tug；　and　Orlando；　were　sitting　in　the　back…parlor　over　our　dinner

（it　being　Christmas…time；　Mr。　Crump　had　treated　the　ladies　to　a

bottle　of　port；　and　was　longing　that　there　should　be　a　mistletoe…

bough：　at　which　proposal　my　little　Jemimarann　looked　as　red　as　a

glass　of　negus）：we　had　just；　I　say；　finished　the　port；　when；　all

of　a　sudden；　Tug　bellows　out；　〃La；　Pa；　here's　uncle　Tuggeridge's

housekeeper　in　a　cab！〃



And　Mrs。　Breadbasket　it　was；　sure　enoughMrs。　Breadbasket　in　deep

mourning；　who　made　her　way；　bowing　and　looking　very　sad；　into　the

back　shop。　　My　wife；　who　respected　Mrs。　B。　more　than　anything　else

in　the　world；　set　her　a　chair；　offered　her　a　glass　of　wine；　and

vowed　it　was　very　kind　of　her　to　come。　　〃La；　mem；〃　says　Mrs。　B。；

〃I'm　sure　I'd　do　anything　to　serve　your　family；　for　the　sake　of

that　poor　dear　Tuck…Tuck…tug…guggeridge；　that's　gone。〃



〃That's　what？〃　cries　my　wife。



〃What；　gone？〃　cried　Jemimarann；　bursting　out　crying　（as　little

girls　will　about　anything　or　nothing）；　and　Orlando　looking　very

rueful；　and　ready　to　cry　too。



〃Yes；　gaw〃　　Just　as　she　was　at　this　very　〃gaw〃　Tug　roars　out；

〃La；　Pa！　here's　Mr。　Bar；　uncle　Tug's　coachman！〃



It　was　Mr。　Bar。　　When　she　saw　him；　Mrs。　Breadbasket　stepped

suddenly　back　into　the　parlor　with　my　ladies。　　〃What　is　it；　Mr。

Bar？〃　says　I；　and　as　quick　as　thought；　I　had　the　towel　under　his

chin；　Mr。　Bar　in　the　chair；　and　the　whole　of　his　face　in　a

beautiful　foam　of　lather。　　Mr。　Bar　made　some　resistance。〃Don't

think　of　it；　Mr。　Cox；〃　says　he；　〃don't　trouble　yourself；　sir。〃　　But

I　lathered　away　and　never　minded。　　〃And　what's　this　melancholy

event；　sir；〃　says　I；　〃that　has　spread　desolation　in　your　family's

bosoms？　　I　can　feel　for　your　loss；　sirI　can　feel　for　your　loss。〃



I　said　so　out　of　politeness；　because　I　served　the　family；　not

because　Tuggeridge　was　my　uncleno；　as　such　I　disown　him。



Mr。　Bar　was　just　about　to　speak。　　〃Yes；　sir；〃　says　he；　〃my　master's

gaw〃　when　at　the　〃gaw〃　in　walks　Mr。　Hock；　the　own　man！the

finest　gentleman　I　ever　saw。



〃What；　YOU　here；　Mr。　Bar！〃　says　he。



〃Yes；　I　am；　sir；　and　haven't　I　a　right；　sir？〃



〃A　mighty　wet　day；　sir；〃　says　I　to　Mr。　Hockstepping　up　and　making

my　bow。　　〃A　sad　circumstance　too；　sir！　　And　is　it　a　turn　of　the

tongs　that　you　want　to…day；　sir？　　Ho；　there；　Mr。　Crump！〃



〃Turn；　Mr。　Crump；　if　you　please；　sir；〃　said　Mr。　Hock；　making　a　bow：

〃but　from　you；　sir；　neverno；　never；　split　me！and　I　wonder　how

some　fellows　can　have　the　INSOLENCE　to　allow　their　MASTERS　to　shave

them！〃　　With　this；　Mr。　Hock　flung　himself　down　to　be　curled：　Mr。

Bar　suddenly　opened　his　mouth　in　order　to　reply；　but　seeing　there

was　a　tiff　between　the　gentlemen；　and　wanting　to　prevent　a　quarrel；

I　rammed　the　Advertiser　into　Mr。　Hock's　hands；　and　just　popped　my

shaving…brush　into　Mr。　Bar's　moutha　capital　way　to　stop　angry

answers。



Mr。　Bar　had　hardly　been　in　the　chair　one　second；　when　whir　comes　a

hackney…coach　to　the　door；　from　which　springs　a　gentleman　in　a

black　coat　with　a　bag。



〃What；　you　here！〃　says　the　gentleman。　　I　could　not　help　smiling；

for　it　seemed　that　everybody　was　to　begin　by　saying；　〃What；　YOU

here！〃　　〃Your　name　is　Cox；　sir？〃　says　he；　smiling　too；　as　the　very

pattern　of　mine。　　〃My　name；　sir；　is　Sharpus；Blunt；　Hone　and

Sharpus；　Middle　Temple　Lane；and　I　am　proud　to　salute　you；　sir；

happy；that　is　to　say；　sorry　to　say　that　Mr。　Tuggeridge；　of

Portland　Place；　is　dead；　and　your　lady　is　heiress；　in　consequence；

to　one　of　the　handsomest　properties　in　the　kingdom。〃



At　this　I　started；　and　might　have　sunk　to　the　ground；　but　for　my

hold　of　Mr。　Bar's　nose；　Orlando　seemed　putrified　to　stone；　with　his

irons　fixed　to　Mr。　Hock's　head；　our　respective　patients　gave　a

wince　out：Mrs。　C。；　Jemimarann；　and　Tug；　rushed　from　the　back

shop；　and　we　formed　a　splendid　tableau　such　as　the　great　Cruikshank

might　have　depicted。



〃And　Mr。　John　Tuggeridge；　sir？〃　says　I。



〃Whyhee；　hee；　hee！〃　says　Mr。　Sharpus。　　〃Surely　you　know　that　he

was　only　thehee；　hee；　hee！the　natural　son！〃



You　now　can　understand　why　the　servants　from　Portland　Place　had

been　so　eager　to　come　to　us。　　One　of　the　house…maids　heard　Mr。

Sharpus　say　there　was　no　will；　and　that　my　wife　was　heir　to　the

property；　and　not　Mr。　John　Tuggeridge：　this　she　told　in　the

housekeeper's　room；　and　off；　as　soon　as　they　heard　it；　the　whole

party　set；　in　order　to　be　the　first　to　bear　the　news。



We　kept　them；　every　one　in　their　old　places；　for；　though　my　wife

would　have　sent　them　about　their　business；　my　dear　Jemimarann　just

hinted；　〃Mamma；　you　know　THEY　have　been　used　to　great　houses；　and

we　have　not；　had　we　not　better　keep　them　for　a　little？〃Keep　them；

then；　we　did；　to　show　us　how　to　be　gentlefolks。



I　handed　over　the　business　to　Mr。　Crump　without　a　single　farthing

of　premium；　though　Jemmy　would　have　made　me　take　four　hundred

pounds　for　it；　but　this　I　was　above：　Crump　had　served　me

faithfully；　and　have　the　shop　he　should。





FIRST　ROUT。





We　were　speedily　installed　in　our　fine　house：　but　what's　a　house

without　friends？　　Jemmy　made　me　CUT　all　my　old　acquaintances　in

the　Market；　and　I　was　a　solitary　being；　when；　luckily；　an　old

acquaintance　of　ours；　Captain　Tagrag；　was　so　kind　as　to　promise　to

introduce　us　into　distinguished　society。　　Tagrag　was　the　son　of　a

baronet；　and　had　done　us　the　honor　of　lodging　with　us　for　two

years；　when　we　lost　sight　of　him；　and　of　his　little　account；　too；

by　the　way。　　A　fortnight　after；　hearing　of　our　good　fortune；　he　was

among　us　again；　however；　and　Jemmy　was　not　a　little　glad　to　see

him；　knowing　him　to　be　a　baronet's　son；　and　very　fond　of　our

Jemimarann。　　Indeed；　Orlando　（who　is　as　brave　as　a　lion）　had　on　one

occasion　absolutely　beaten　Mr。　Tagrag　for　being　rude　to　the　poor

girl：　a　clear　proof；　as　Tagrag　said　afterwards；　that　he　was　always

fond　of　her。



Mr。　Crump；　poor　fellow；　was　not　very　much　pleased　by　our　good

fortune；　though　he　did　all　he　could　to　try　at　first；　and　I　told　him

to　come　and　take　his　dinner　regular；　as　if　nothing　had　happened。

But　to　this　Jemima　very　soon　put　a　stop；　for　she　came　very　justly

to　know　her　stature；　and　to　look　down　on　Crump；　which　she　bid　her

daughter　to　do；　and；　after　a　great　scene；　in　which　Orlando　showed

himself　very　rude　and　angry；　he　was　forbidden　the　housefor　ever！



So　much　for　poor　Crump。　　The　Captain　was　now　all　in　all　with　us。

〃You　see；　sir；〃　our　Jemmy　would　say；　〃we　shall　have　our　town　and

country　mansion；　and　a　hundred　and　thirty　thousand　pounds　in　the

funds；　to　leave　between　our　two　children；　and；　with　such　prospects；

they　ought　surely　to　have　the　first　society　of　England。〃　　To　this

Tagrag　agreed；　and　promised　to　bring　us　acquainted　with　the　very

pink　of　the　fashion；　ay；　and　what's　more；　did。



First；　he　made　my　wife　get　an　opera…box；　and　give　suppers　on

Tuesdays　and　Saturdays。　　As　for　me；　he　made　me　ride　in　the　Park：　me

and　Jemimarann；　with　two　grooms　behind　us；　who　used　to　laugh　all

the　way；　and　whose　very　beards　I　had　shaved。　　As　for　little　Tug；　he

was　sent　straight　off　to　the　most　fashionable　school　in　the

kingdom；　the　Reverend　Doctor　Pigney's；　at　Richmond。



Well；　the　horses；　the　suppers；　the　opera…box；　the　paragraphs　in　the

papers　about　Mr。　Coxe　Coxe　（that's　the　way：　double　y