burlesques-第31节

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Whistlebinkie。'



〃On　driving　up　to　the　'Cairngorm　Arms；'　I　found　a　gentleman　of

military　appearance　standing　at　the　doer；　and　occupied　seemingly　in

smoking　a　cigar。　　It　was　very　dark　as　I　descended　from　my　carriage；

and　the　gentleman　in　question　exclaimed；　'Is　it　you；　Southdown　my

boy？　　You　have　come　too　late；　unless　you　are　come　to　have　some

supper；'　or　words　to　that　effect。　　I　explained　that　I　was　not　the

Lord　Viscount　Southdown；　and　politely　apprised　Captain　Silvertop

（for　I　justly　concluded　the　individual　before　me　could　be　no　other）

of　his　mistake。



〃'Who　the　deuce'　（the　Captain　used　a　stronger　term）　'are　you；

then？'　said　Mr。　Silvertop。　　'Are　you　Baggs　and　Tapewell；　my　uncle's

attorneys？　　If　you　are；　you　have　come　too　late　for　the　fair。'



〃I　briefly　explained　that　I　was　not　Baggs　and　Tapewell；　but　that　my

name　was　Jms；　and　that　I　was　a　gentleman　connected　with　the

establishment　of　the　Morning　Tatler　newspaper。



〃'And　what　has　brought　you　here；　Mr。　Morning　Tatler？'　asked　my

interlocutor；　rather　roughly。　　My　answer　was　frankthat　the

disappearance　of　a　noble　lady　from　the　house　of　her　friends　had

caused　the　greatest　excitement　in　the　metropolis；　and　that　my

employers　were　anxious　to　give　the　public　every　particular

regarding　an　event　so　singular。



〃'And　do　you　mean　to　say；　sir；　that　you　have　dogged　me　all　the　way

from　London；　and　that　my　family　affairs　are　to　be　published　for　the

readers　of　the　Morning　Tatler　newspaper？　　The　Morning　Tatter　be　

（the　Captain　here　gave　utterance　to　an　oath　which　I　shall　not

repeat）　and　you　too；　sir；　you　unpudent　meddling　scoundrel。'



〃'Scoundrel；　sir！'　said　I。　　'Yes；'　replied　the　irate　gentleman；

seizing　me　rudely　by　the　collarand　he　would　have　choked　me；　but

that　my　blue　satin　stock　and　false　collar　gave　way；　and　were　left

in　the　hands　of　this　GENTLEMAN。　　'Help；　landlord！'　I　loudly

exclaimed；　adding；　I　believe；　'murder；'　and　other　exclamations　of

alarm。　　In　vain　I　appealed　to　the　crowd；　which　by　this　time　was

pretty　considerable；　they　and　the　unfeeling　post…boys　only　burst

into　laughter；　and　called　out；　'Give　it　him；　Captain。'　　A　struggle

ensued；　in　which　I　have　no　doubt　I　should　have　had　the　better；　but

that　the　Captain；　joining　suddenly　in　the　general　and　indecent

hilarity；　which　was　doubled　when　I　fell　down；　stopped　and　said；

'Well；　Jims；　I　won't　fight　on　my　marriage…day。　　Go　into　the　tap；

Jims；　and　order　a　glass　of　brandy…and…water　at　my　expenseand　mind

I　don't　see　your　face　to…morrow　morning；　or　I'll　make　it　more　ugly

than　it　is。'



〃With　these　gross　expressions　and　a　cheer　from　the　crowd；　Mr。

Silvertop　entered　the　inn。　　I　need　not　say　that　I　did　not　partake

of　his　hospitality；　and　that　personally　I　despise　his　insults。　　I

make　them　known　that　they　may　call　down　the　indignation　of　the　body

of　which　I　am　a　member；　and　throw　myself　on　the　sympathy　of　the

public；　as　a　gentleman　shamefully　assaulted　and　insulted　in　the

discharge　of　a　public　duty。〃





〃Thus　you've　sean　how　the　flower　of　my　affeckshns　was　tawn　out　of

my　busm；　and　my　art　was　left　bleading。　　Hangelina！　I　forgive　thee。

Mace　thou　be　appy！　　If　ever　artfelt　prayer　for　others　wheel　awailed

on　i；　the　beink　on　womb　you　trampled　addresses　those　subblygations

to　Evn　in　your　be1/2！



〃I　went　home　like　a　maniack；　after　hearing　the　announcement　of

Hangelina's　departur。　　She'd　been　gone　twenty　hours　when　I　heard

the　fatle　noose。　　Purshoot　was　vain。　　Suppose　I　DID　kitch　her　up；

they　were　married；　and　what　could　we　do？　　This　sensable　remark　I

made　to　Earl　Bareacres；　when　that　distragted　nobleman　igspawstulated

with　me。　　Er　who　was　to　have　been　my　mother…in…lor；　the　Countiss；　I

never　from　that　momink　sor　agin。　　My　presnts；　troosoes；　juels；　&c。；

were　sent　backwith　the　igsepshn　of　the　diminds　and　Cashmear　shawl；

which　her　Ladyship　COODN'T　FIND。　　Ony　it　was　whispered　that　at　the

nex　buthday　she　was　seen　with　a　shawl　IGSACKLY　OF　THE　SAME　PATTN。

Let　er　keep　it。



〃Southdown　was　phurius。　　He　came　to　me　hafter　the　ewent；　and　wanted

me　adwance　50　lb。；　so　that　he　might　purshew　his　fewgitif　sister

but　I　wasn't　to　be　ad　with　that　sort　of　chaughthere　was　no　more

money　for　THAT　famly。　　So　he　went　away；　and　gave　huttrance　to　his

feelinx　in　a　poem；　which　appeared　（price　2　guineas）　in　the　Bel

Assombly。



〃All　the　juilers；　manchumakers；　lacemen；　coch　bilders；　apolstrers；

hors　dealers；　and　weddencake　makers　came　pawring　in　with　their

bills；　haggravating　feelings　already　woondid　beyond　enjurants。

That　madniss　didn't　seaze　me　that　night　was　a　mussy。　　Fever；　fewry；

and　rayge　rack'd　my　hagnized　braind；　and　drove　sleap　from　my

throbbink　ilids。　　Hall　night　I　follered　Hangelinar　in　imadganation

along　the　North　Road。　　I　wented　cusses　&　mallydickshuns　on　the

hinfamus　Silvertop。　　I　kickd　and　rord　in　my　unhuttarable　whoe！　　I

seazed　my　pillar：　I　pitcht　into　it：　pummld　it；　strangled　it。　　Ha

har！　　I　thought　it　was　Silvertop　writhing　in　my　Jint　grasp；　and　taw

the　hordayshis　villing　lim　from　lim　in　the　terrible　strenth　of　my

despare！　。　。　。　　Let　me　drop　a　cutting　over　the　memries　of　that

night。　　When　my　boddy…suvnt　came　with　my　ot　water　in　the　mawning；

the　livid　copse　in　the　charnill　was　not　payler　than　the　gashly　De

la　Pluche！



〃'Give　me　the　Share…list；　Mandeville；'　I　micanickly　igsclaimed。　　I

had　not　perused　it　for　the　past　3　days；　my　etention　being　engayged

elseware。　　Hevns　&　huth！what　was　it　I　red　there？　　What　was　it

that　made　me　spring　outabed　as　if　sumbady　had　given　me　cold　pig？I

red　Rewin　in　that　Share…listthe　Pannick　was　in　full　hoparation！



　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。　　　　　　　　。



Shall　I　describe　that　kitastrafy　with　which　hall　Hengland　is

familliar？　　My　&　rifewses　to　cronnicle　the　misfortns　which

lassarated　my　bleeding　art　in　Hoctober　last。　　On　the　fust　of

Hawgust　where　was　I？　　Director　of　twenty…three　Companies；　older　of

scrip　hall　at　a　primmium；　and　worth　at　least　a　quarter　of　a

millium。　　On　Lord　Mare's　day　my　Saint　Helenas　quotid　at　14　pm；　were

down　at　1/2　discount；　my　Central　Ichaboes　at　3/8　discount；　my　Table

Mounting　&　Hottentot　Grand　Trunk；　no　where；　my　Bathershins　and

Derrynane　Beg；　of　which　I'd　bought　2000　for　the　account　at　17

primmium；　down　to　nix；　my　Juan　Fernandez；　my　Great　Central　Oregons；

prostrit。　　There　was　a　momint　when　I　thought　I　shouldn't　be　alive

to　write　my　own　tail！〃



（Here　follow　in　Mr。　Plush's　MS。　about　twenty…four　pages　of　railroad

calculations；　which　we　pretermit。）



〃Those　beests；　Pump　&　Aldgate；　once　so　cringing　and　umble；　wrote　me

a　threatnen　letter　because　I　overdrew　my　account　three…and…

sixpence：　woodn't　advance　me　five　thousand　on　25；000　worth　of

scrip；　kep　me　waiting　2　hours　when　I　asked　to　see　the　house；　and

then　sent　out　Spout；　the　jewnior　partner；　saying　they　wouldn't

discount　my　paper；　and　implawed　me　to　clothes　my　account。　　I　did：　I

paid　the　three…and…six　balliance；　and　never　sor　'em　mor。



〃The　market　fell　daily。　　The　Rewin　grew　wusser　and　wusser。

Hagnies；　Hagnies！　it　wasn't　in　the　city　aloan　my　misfortns　came

upon　me。　　They　beerded　me　in　my　own　ome。　　The　biddle　who　kips　watch

at　the　Halbany　wodn　keep　misfortn　out　of　my　chambers；　and　Mrs。

Twiddler；　of　Pall　Mall；　and　Mr。　Hunx；　of　Long　Acre；　put　egsicution

into　my　apartmince；　and　swep　off　every　stick　of　my　furniture。

'Wardrobe　&　furniture　of　a　man　of　fashion。'　　What　an　adwertisement

George　Robins　DID　make　of　it；　and　what　a　crowd　was　collected　to

laff　at　the　prospick　of　my　ruing！　　My　chice　plait；　my　seller　of

wine；　my　pictursthat　of　myself　included　（it　was　Maryhann；　bless

her！　that　bought　it；　unbeknown　to　me）；　allall　went　to　the　ammer。

That　brootle　Fitzwarren；　my　ex…vally；　womb　I　met；　fimilliarly　slapt

me　on　the　sholder；　and　said；　'Jeames；　my　boy；　you'd　best　go　into

suvvis　aginn。'



〃I　DID　go　into　suvvisthe　wust　of　all　suvvicesI　went　into　the

Queen's　Bench　Prison；　and　lay　there　a　misrabble　captif　for　6

mortial　weeks。　　Misrabble　shall　I　say？　no；　not　misrabble

altogether；　there　was　sunlike　in　the　dunjing　of　the　pore　prisner。

I　had　visitors。　　A　cart　used　to　drive　hup　to　the　prizn　gates　of

Saturdays；　a　washywoman's　cart；　with　a　fat　old　lady　in　it；　and　a

young　one。　　Who　was　that　young　one？　　Every　one　who　has　an　art　can

gess；　it　was　my　blue…eyed　blushing　hangel　of　a　Mary　Hann！　　'Shall

we　take　him　out　in　the　linnen…basket；　grandmamma？'　Mary　Hann　said。

Bless　her；　she'd　already　learned　to　say　grandmamma　quite　natral：

but　I　didn't　go　out　that　way；　I　went　out　by　the　door　a　whitewashed

man。　　Ho；　what　a　feast　there　was　at　Healing　the　day　I　came　out！

I'd　thirteen　shillings　left　when　I'd　bought　the　gold　ring。　　I

wasn't　prowd。　　I　turned　the　mangle　for　three　weeks；　and　then　Uncle

Bill　said；　'Well；　there　IS　some　good　in　the　feller；'　and　it　was

agreed　that　we　should　marry。〃



The　Plush　manuscript　finishes　here：　it　is　many　weeks　since　we　saw

the　accomplished　writer；　and　we　have　only　just　learned　his　fate。

We　are　happy