adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第118节
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gurgling below； and surely； if there came a traveller to this world
who knew nothing of the story of man’s life upon it； this image of
agony would seem to him strangely out of place in the midst of this
joyous nature。 He would not know that hidden behind the apple…
blossoms； or among the golden corn； or under the shrouding
boughs of the wood； there might be a human heart beating heavily
with anguish—perhaps a young blooming girl； not knowing where
to turn for refuge from swift…advancing shame； understanding no
more of this life of ours than a foolish lost lamb wandering farther
and farther in the nightfall on the lonely heath； yet tasting the
bitterest of life’s bitterness。
Such things are sometimes hidden among the sunny fields and
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behind the blossoming orchards； and the sound of the gurgling
brook； if you came close to one spot behind a small bush； would be
mingled for your ear with a despairing human sob。 No wonder
man’s religion has much sorrow in it： no wonder he needs a
Suffering God。
Hetty； in her red cloak and warm bonnet； with her basket in her
hand； is turning towards a gate by the side of the Treddleston
road； but not that she may have a more lingering enjoyment of the
sunshine and think with hope of the long unfolding year。 She
hardly knows that the sun is shining； and for weeks； now； when
she has hoped at all； it has been for something at which she herself
trembles and shudders。 She only wants to be out of the high…road；
that she may walk slowly and not care how her face looks； as she
dwells on wretched thoughts； and through this gate she can get
into a field…path behind the wide thick hedgerows。 Her great dark
eyes wander blankly over the fields like the eyes of one who is
desolate； homeless； unloved； not the promised bride of a brave
tender man。 But there are no tears in them： her tears were all
wept away in the weary night； before she went to sleep。 At the
next stile the pathway branches off： there are two roads before
her—one along by the hedgerow； which will by…and…by lead her
into the road again； the other across the fields； which will take her
much farther out of the way into the Scantlands； low shrouded
pastures where she will see nobody。 She chooses this and begins
to walk a little faster； as if she had suddenly thought of an object
towards which it was worth while to hasten。 Soon she is in the
Scantlands； where the grassy land slopes gradually downwards；
and she leaves the level ground to follow the slope。 Farther on
there is a clump of trees on the low ground； and she is making her
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way towards it。 No； it is not a clump of trees； but a dark shrouded
pool； so full with the wintry rains that the under boughs of the
elder…bushes lie low beneath the water。 She sits down on the
grassy bank； against the stooping stem of the great oak that hangs
over the dark pool。 She has thought of this pool often in the nights
of the month that has just gone by； and now at last she is come to
see it。 She clasps her hands round her knees； and leans forward；
and looks earnestly at it； as if trying to guess what sort of bed it
would make for her young round limbs。
No； she has not courage to jump into that cold watery bed； and
if she had； they might find her—they might find out why she had
drowned herself。 There is but one thing left to her： she must go
away； go where they can’t find her。
After the first on…coming of her great dread； some weeks after
her betrothal to Adam； she had waited and waited； in the blind
vague hope that something would happen to set her free from her
terror； but she could wait no longer。 All the force of her nature had
been concentrated on the one effort of concealment； and she had
shrunk with irresistible dread from every course that could tend
towards a betrayal of her miserable secret。 Whenever the thought
of writing to Arthur had occurred to her； she had rejected it。 He
could do nothing for her that would shelter her from discovery and
scorn among the relatives and neighbours who once more made
all her world； now her airy dream had vanished。 Her imagination
no longer saw happiness with Arthur； for he could do nothing that
would satisfy or soothe her pride。 No； something else would
happen—something must happen—to set her free from this dread。
In young； childish； ignorant souls there is constantly this blind
trust in some unshapen chance： it is as hard to a boy or girl to
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believe that a great wretchedness will actually befall them as to
believe that they will die。
But now necessity was pressing hard upon her—now the time
of her marriage was close at hand—she could no longer rest in this
blind trust。 She must run away； she must hide herself where no
familiar eyes could detect her； and then the terror of wandering
out into the world； of which she knew nothing； made the
possibility of going to Arthur a thought which brought some
comfort with it。 She felt so helpless now； so unable to fashion the
future for herself； that the prospect of throwing herself on him had
a relief in it which was stronger than her pride。 As she sat by the
pool and shuddered at the dark cold water； the hope that he would
receive her tenderly—that he would care for her and think for
her—was like a sense of lulling warmth； that made her for the
moment indifferent to everything else； and she began now to think
of nothing but the scheme by which she should get away。
She had had a letter from Dinah lately； full of kind words about
the coming marriage； which she had heard of from Seth； and
when Hetty had read this letter aloud to her uncle； he had said； “I
wish Dinah ’ud come again now； for she’d be a comfort to your
aunt when you’re gone。 What do you think； my wench； o’ going to
see her as soon as you can be spared and persuading her to come
back wi’ you？ You might happen persuade her wi’ telling her as
her aunt wants her； for all she writes o’ not being able to come。”
Hetty had not liked the thought of going to Snowfield； and felt no
longing to see Dinah； so she only said； “It’s so far off； Uncle。” But
now she thought this proposed visit would serve as a pretext for
going away。 She would tell her aunt when she got home again that
she should like the change of going to Snowfield for a week or ten
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days。 And then； when she got to Stoniton； where nobody knew
her； she would ask for the coach that would take her on the way to
Windsor。 Arthur was at Windsor； and she would go to him。
As soon as Hetty had determined on this scheme； she rose from
the grassy bank of the pool； took up her basket； and went on her
way to Treddleston； for she must buy the wedding things she had
come out for； though she would never want them。 She must be
careful not to raise any suspicion that she was going to run away。
Mrs。 Poyser was quite agreeably surprised that Hetty wished to
go and see Dinah and try to bring her back to stay over the
wedding。 The sooner she went the better； since the weather was
pleasant now； and Adam； when he came in the evening； said； if
Hetty could set off to…morrow； he would make time to
