adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第11节
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now； since they had done talking about Bessy Cranage； Dinah
seemed almost to have forgotten Seth’s presence； and her pace
was becoming so much quicker that the sense of their being only a
few minutes’ walk from the yard…gates of the Hall Farm at last
gave Seth courage to speak。
“You’ve quite made up your mind to go back to Snowfield o’
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Saturday； Dinah？”
“Yes；” said Dinah； quietly。 “I’m called there。 It was borne in
upon my mind while I was meditating on Sunday night； as Sister
Allen； who’s in a decline； is in need of me。 I saw her as plain as we
see that bit of thin white cloud； lifting up her poor thin hand and
beckoning to me。 And this morning when I opened the Bible for
direction； the first words my eyes fell on were； ‘And after we had
seen the vision； immediately we endeavoured to go into
Macedonia。’ If it wasn’t for that clear showing of the Lord’s will； I
should be loath to go； for my heart yearns over my aunt and her
little ones； and that poor wandering lamb Hetty Sorrel。 I’ve been
much drawn out in prayer for her of late； and I look on it as a
token that there may be mercy in store for her。”
“God grant it；” said Seth。 “For I doubt Adam’s heart is so set on
her； he’ll never turn to anybody else； and yet it ’ud go to my heart
if he was to marry her； for I canna think as she’d make him happy。
It’s a deep mystery—the way the heart of man turns to one woman
out of all the rest he’s seen i’ the world； and makes it easier for him
to work seven year for her； like Jacob did for Rachel； sooner than
have any other woman for th’ asking。 I often think of them words；
‘And Jacob served seven years for Rachel； and they seemed to him
but a few days for the love he had to her。’ I know those words ’ud
come true with me； Dinah； if so be you’d give me hope as I might
win you after seven years was over。 I know you think a husband
’ud be taking up too much o’ your thoughts； because St。 Paul says；
‘She that’s married careth for the things of the world how she may
please her husband’； and may happen you’ll think me overbold to
speak to you about it again； after what you told me o’ your mind
last Saturday。 But I’ve been thinking it over again by night and by
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day； and I’ve prayed not to be blinded by my own desires； to think
what’s only good for me must be good for you too。 And it seems to
me there’s more texts for your marrying than ever you can find
against it。 For St。 Paul says as plain as can be in another place； ‘I
will that the younger women marry； bear children； guide the
house； give none occasion to the adversary to speak reproachfully’；
and then ‘two are better than one’； and that holds good with
marriage as well as with other things。 For we should be o’ one
heart and o’ one mind； Dinah。 We both serve the same Master； and
are striving after the same gifts； and I’d never be the husband to
make a claim on you as could interfere with your doing the work
God has fitted you for。 I’d make a shift； and fend indoor and out； to
give you more liberty—more than you can have now； for you’ve
got to get your own living now； and I’m strong enough to work for
us both。”
When Seth had once begun to urge his suit； he went on
earnestly and almost hurriedly； lest Dinah should speak some
decisive word before he had poured forth all the arguments he had
prepared。 His cheeks became flushed as he went on his mild grey
eyes filled with tears； and his voice trembled as he spoke the last
sentence。 They had reached one of those very narrow passes
between two tall stones； which performed the office of a stile in
Loamshire； and Dinah paused as she turned towards Seth and
said； in her tender but calm treble notes； “Seth Bede； I thank you
for your love towards me； and if I could think of any man as more
than a Christian brother； I think it would be you。 But my heart is
not free to marry。 That is good for other women； and it is a great
and a blessed thing to be a wife and mother； but ‘as God has
distributed to every man； as the Lord hath called every man； so let
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him walk。’ God has called me to minister to others； not to have any
joys or sorrows of my own； but to rejoice with them that do rejoice；
and to weep with those that weep。 He has called me to speak his
word； and he has greatly owned my work。 It could only be on a
very clear showing that I could leave the brethren and sisters at
Snowfield； who are favoured with very little of this world’s good；
where the trees are few； so that a child might count them； and
there’s very hard living for the poor in the winter。 It has been
given me to help； to comfort； and strengthen the little flock there
and to call in many wanderers； and my soul is filled with these
things from my rising up till my lying down。 My life is too short；
and God’s work is too great for me to think of making a home for
myself in this world。 I’ve not turned a deaf ear to your words； Seth；
for when I saw as your love was given to me； I thought it might be
a leading of Providence for me to change my way of life； and that
we should be fellow…helpers； and I spread the matter before the
Lord。 But whenever I tried to fix my mind on marriage； and our
living together； other thoughts always came in—the times when
I’ve prayed by the sick and dying； and the happy hours I’ve had
preaching； when my heart was filled with love； and the Word was
given to me abundantly。 And when I’ve opened the Bible for
direction； I’ve always lighted on some clear word to tell me where
my work lay。 I believe what you say； Seth； that you would try to be
a help and not a hindrance to my work； but I see that our marriage
is not God’s will—He draws my heart another way。 I desire to live
and die without husband or children。 I seem to have no room in
my soul for wants and fears of my own； it has pleased God to fill
my heart so full with the wants and sufferings of his poor people。”
Seth was unable to reply； and they walked on in silence。 At last；
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as they were nearly at the yard…gate； he said—
“Well； Dinah； I must seek for strength to bear it； and to endure
as seeing Him who is invisible。 But I feel now how weak my faith
is。 It seems as if； when you are gone； I could never joy in anything
any more。 I think it’s something passing the love of women as I
feel for you； for I could be content without your marrying me if I
could go and live at Snowfield and be near you。 I trusted as the
strong love God has given me towards you was a leading for us
both； but it seems it was only meant for my trial。 Perhaps I feel
more for you than I ought to feel for any creature； for I often can’t
help saying of you what the hymn says—
In darkest shades if she appear；
My dawning is begun；
She is my soul’s bright morning…star；
And she my rising sun。
That may be wrong； and I am to be taught better。 But you
wouldn’t be displeased with me if things turned out so as I could
leave this country and go to live at Snowfield？”
“No； Seth； but I counsel you to wait patiently； and not lightly to
leave your own country and kindred。 Do nothing without the
Lord’s clear bidding。 It’s a bleak and barren country there
