adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第105节
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no happiness i’ th’ end。”
Hetty said nothing； she felt a revival of hope at the mention of a
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letter which Adam had not read。 There would be something quite
different in it from what he thought。
Adam took out the letter； but he held it in his hand still； while
he said； in a tone of tender entreaty； “Don’t you bear me ill will；
Hetty； because I’m the means o’ bringing you this pain。 God knows
I’d ha’ borne a good deal worse for the sake o’ sparing it you。 And
think—there’s nobody but me knows about this； and I’ll take care
of you as if I was your brother。 You’re the same as ever to me； for I
don’t believe you’ve done any wrong knowingly。”
Hetty had laid her hand on the letter； but Adam did not loose it
till he had done speaking。 She took no notice of what he said—she
had not listened； but when he loosed the letter； she put it into her
pocket； without opening it； and then began to walk more quickly；
as if she wanted to go in。
“You’re in the right not to read it just yet；” said Adam。 “Read it
when you’re by yourself。 But stay out a little bit longer； and let us
call the children： you look so white and ill； your aunt may take
notice of it。”
Hetty heard the warning。 It recalled to her the necessity of
rallying her native powers of concealment； which had half given
way under the shock of Adam’s words。 And she had the letter in
her pocket： she was sure there was comfort in that letter in spite of
Adam。 She ran to find Totty； and soon reappeared with recovered
colour； leading Totty； who was making a sour face because she
had been obliged to throw away an unripe apple that she had set
her small teeth in。
“Hegh； Totty；” said Adam； “come and ride on my shoulder—
ever so high—you’ll touch the tops o’ the trees。”
What little child ever refused to be comforted by that glorious
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sense of being seized strongly and swung upward？ I don’t believe
Ganymede cried when the eagle carried him away； and perhaps
deposited him on Jove’s shoulder at the end。 Totty smiled down
complacently from her secure height； and pleasant was the sight
to the mother’s eyes； as she stood at the house door and saw Adam
coming with his small burden。
“Bless your sweet face； my pet；” she said； the mother’s strong
love filling her keen eyes with mildness； as Totty leaned forward
and put out her arms。 She had no eyes for Hetty at that moment；
and only said； without looking at her； “You go and draw some ale；
Hetty； the gells are both at the cheese。”
After the ale had been drawn and her uncle’s pipe lighted； there
was Totty to be taken to bed； and brought down again in her
night…gown because she would cry instead of going to sleep。 Then
there was supper to be got ready； and Hetty must be continually in
the way to give help。 Adam stayed till he knew Mrs。 Poyser
expected him to go； engaging her and her husband in talk as
constantly as he could； for the sake of leaving Hetty more at ease。
He lingered； because he wanted to see her safely through that
evening； and he was delighted to find how much self…command
she showed。 He knew she had not had time to read the letter； but
he did not know she was buoyed up by a secret hope that the letter
would contradict everything he had said。 It was hard work for him
to leave her—hard to think that he should not know for days how
she was bearing her trouble。 But he must go at last； and all he
could do was to press her hand gently as he said “Good…bye；” and
hope she would take that as a sign that if his love could ever be a
refuge for her； it was there the same as ever。 How busy his
thoughts were； as he walked home； in devising pitying excuses for
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her folly； in referring all her weakness to the sweet lovingness of
her nature； in blaming Arthur； with less and less inclination to
admit that his conduct might be extenuated too！ His exasperation
at Hetty’s suffering—and also at the sense that she was possibly
thrust for ever out of his own reach—deafened him to any plea for
the miscalled friend who had wrought this misery。 Adam was a
clear…sighted； fair…minded man—a fine fellow； indeed； morally as
well as physically。 But if Aristides the Just was ever in love and
jealous； he was at that moment not perfectly magnanimous。 And I
cannot pretend that Adam； in these painful days； felt nothing but
righteous indignation and loving pity。 He was bitterly jealous； and
in proportion as his love made him indulgent in his judgment of
Hetty； the bitterness found a vent in his feeling towards Arthur。
“Her head was allays likely to be turned；” he thought； “when a
gentleman； with his fine manners； and fine clothes； and his white
hands； and that way o’ talking gentlefolks have； came about her；
making up to her in a bold way； as a man couldn’t do that was only
her equal； and it’s much if she’ll ever like a common man now。”
He could not help drawing his own hands out of his pocket and
looking at them—at the hard palms and the broken finger…nails。
“I’m a roughish fellow； altogether； I don’t know； now I come to
think on ’t； what there is much for a woman to like about me； and
yet I might ha’ got another wife easy enough； if I hadn’t set my
heart on her。 But it’s little matter what other women think about
me； if she can’t love me。 She might ha’ loved me； perhaps； as likely
as any other man—there’s nobody hereabouts as I’m afraid of； if he
hadn’t come between us； but now I shall belike be hateful to her
because I’m so different to him。 And yet there’s no telling—she
may turn round the other way； when she finds he’s made light of
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her all the while。 She may come to feel the vally of a man as ’ud be
thankful to be bound to her all his life。 But I must put up with it
whichever way it is—I’ve only to be thankful it’s been no worse。 I
am not th’ only man that’s got to do without much happiness i’ this
life。 There’s many a good bit o’ work done with a bad heart。 It’s
God’s will； and that’s enough for us： we shouldn’t know better how
things ought to be than He does； I reckon； if we was to spend our
lives i’ puzzling。 But it ’ud ha’ gone near to spoil my work for me； if
I’d seen her brought to sorrow and shame； and through the man
as I’ve always been proud to think on。 Since I’ve been spared that；
I’ve no right to grumble。 When a man’s got his limbs whole； he can
bear a smart cut or two。”
As Adam was getting over a stile at this point in his reflections；
he perceived a man walking along the field before him。 He knew it
was Seth； returning from an evening preaching； and made haste to
overtake him。
“I thought thee ’dst be at home before me；” he said； as Seth
turned round to wait for him； “for I’m later than usual to…night。”
“Well； I’m later too； for I got into talk； after meeting； with John
Barnes； who has lately professed himself in a state of perfection；
and I’d a question to ask him about his experience。 It’s one o’ them
subjects that lead you further than y’ expect—they don’t lie along
the straight road。”
They walked along together in silence two or three minutes。
Adam was not inclined to enter into the subtleties of religious
experience； but he was inclined to interchange a word or two of
brotherly affection and confidence with Seth。 That was a rare
