adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第104节
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much the less because Hetty felt very unhappy all the while。 The
parting with Arthur was a double pain to her—mingling with the
tumult of passion and vanity there was a dim undefined fear that
the future might shape itself in some way quite unlike her dream。
She clung to the comforting hopeful words Arthur had uttered in
their last meeting—“I shall come again at Christmas； and then we
will see what can be done。” She clung to the belief that he was so
fond of her； he would never be happy without her； and she still
hugged her secret—that a great gentleman loved her—with
gratified pride； as a superiority over all the girls she knew。 But the
uncertainty of the future； the possibilities to which she could give
no shape； began to press upon her like the invisible weight of air；
she was alone on her little island of dreams； and all around her
was the dark unknown water where Arthur was gone。 She could
gather no elation of spirits now by looking forward； but only by
looking backward to build confidence on past words and caresses。
But occasionally； since Thursday evening； her dim anxieties had
been almost lost behind the more definite fear that Adam might
betray what he knew to her uncle and aunt； and his sudden
proposition to talk with her alone had set her thoughts to work in
a new way。 She was eager not to lose this evening’s opportunity；
and after tea； when the boys were going into the garden and Totty
begged to go with them； Hetty said； with an alacrity that surprised
Mrs。 Poyser；
“I’ll go with her； Aunt。”
It did not seem at all surprising that Adam said he would go too；
and soon he and Hetty were left alone together on the walk by the
filbert…trees； while the boys were busy elsewhere gathering the
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large unripe nuts to play at “cob…nut” with； and Totty was
watching them with a puppy…like air of contemplation。 It was but a
short time—hardly two months—since Adam had had his mind
filled with delicious hopes as he stood by Hetty’s side in this
garden。 The remembrance of that scene had often been with him
since Thursday evening： the sunlight through the apple…tree
boughs； the red bunches； Hetty’s sweet blush。 It came
importunately now； on this sad evening； with the low…hanging
clouds； but he tried to suppress it； lest some emotion should impel
him to say more than was needful for Hetty’s sake。
“After what I saw on Thursday night； Hetty；” he began； “you
won’t think me making too free in what I’m going to say。 If you
was being courted by any man as ’ud make you his wife； and I’d
known you was fond of him and meant to have him； I should have
no right to speak a word to you about it； but when I see you’re
being made love to by a gentleman as can never marry you； and
doesna think o’ marrying you； I feel bound t’ interfere for you。 I
can’t speak about it to them as are i’ the place o’ your parents； for
that might bring worse trouble than’s needful。”
Adam’s words relieved one of Hetty’s fears； but they also
carried a meaning which sickened her with a strengthened
foreboding。 She was pale and trembling； and yet she would have
angrily contradicted Adam； if she had dared to betray her feelings。
But she was silent。
“You’re so young； you know； Hetty；” he went on； almost
tenderly； “and y’ haven’t seen much o’ what goes on in the world。
It’s right for me to do what I can to save you from getting into
trouble for want o’ your knowing where you’re being led to。 If
anybody besides me knew what I know about your meeting a
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gentleman and having fine presents from him； they’d speak light
on you； and you’d lose your character。 And besides that； you’ll
have to suffer in your feelings； wi’ giving your love to a man as can
never marry you； so as he might take care of you all your life。”
Adam paused and looked at Hetty； who was plucking the leaves
from the filbert…trees and tearing them up in her hand。 Her little
plans and preconcerted speeches had all forsaken her； like an ill…
learnt lesson； under the terrible agitation produced by Adam’s
words。 There was a cruel force in their calm certainty which
threatened to grapple and crush her flimsy hopes and fancies。 She
wanted to resist them—she wanted to throw them off with angry
contradiction—but the determination to conceal what she felt still
governed her。 It was nothing more than a blind prompting now；
for she was unable to calculate the effect of her words。
“You’ve no right to say as I love him；” she said； faintly； but
impetuously； plucking another rough leaf and tearing it up。 She
was very beautiful in her paleness and agitation； with her dark
childish eyes dilated and her breath shorter than usual。 Adam’s
heart yearned over her as he looked at her。 Ah； if he could but
comfort her； and soothe her； and save her from this pain； if he had
but some sort of strength that would enable him to rescue her
poor troubled mind； as he would have rescued her body in the face
of all danger！
“I doubt it must be so； Hetty；” he said； tenderly； “for I canna
believe you’d let any man kiss you by yourselves； and give you a
gold box with his hair； and go a…walking i’ the Grove to meet him；
if you didna love him。 I’m not blaming you； for I know it ’ud begin
by little and little； till at last you’d not be able to throw it off。 It’s
him I blame for stealing your love i’ that way； when he knew he
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could never make you the right amends。 He’s been trifling with
you； and making a plaything of you； and caring nothing about you
as a man ought to care。”
“Yes； he does care for me； I know better nor you；” Hetty burst
out。 Everything was forgotten but the pain and anger she felt at
Adam’s words。
“Nay； Hetty；” said Adam； “if he’d cared for you rightly； he’d
never ha’ behaved so。 He told me himself he meant nothing by his
kissing and presents； and he wanted to make me believe as you
thought light of ’em too。 But I know better nor that。 I can’t help
thinking as you’ve been trusting to his loving you well enough to
marry you； for all he’s a gentleman。 And that’s why I must speak to
you about it； Hetty； for fear you should be deceiving yourself。 It’s
never entered his head the thought o’ marrying you。”
“How do you know？ How durst you say so？” said Hetty；
pausing in her walk and trembling。 The terrible decision of
Adam’s tone shook her with fear。 She had no presence of mind left
for the reflection that Arthur would have his reasons for not telling
the truth to Adam。 Her words and look were enough to determine
Adam： he must give her the letter。
“Perhaps you can’t believe me； Hetty； because you think too
well of him—because you think he loves you better than he does。
But I’ve got a letter i’ my pocket； as he wrote himself for me to give
you。 I’ve not read the letter； but he says he’s told you the truth in
it。 But before I give you the letter； consider； Hetty； and don’t let it
take too much hold on you。 It wouldna ha’ been good for you if
he’d wanted to do such a mad thing as marry you： it ’ud ha’ led to
no happiness i’ th’ end。”
Hetty said nothing； she felt a revival of hope at the mention of a
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