adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第102节
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George Eliot ElecBook Classics
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Adam Bede 412
honour which shrinks from wounding even a sentiment； and does
not contemplate any more positive offence as possible for it？—who
thought that his own self…respect was a higher tribunal than any
external opinion？ The same； I assure you； only under different
conditions。 Our deeds determine us； as much as we determine our
deeds； and until we know what has been or will be the peculiar
combination of outward with inward facts； which constitutes a
man’s critical actions； it will be better not to think ourselves wise
about his character。 There is a terrible coercion in our deeds；
which may first turn the honest man into a deceiver and then
reconcile him to the change； for this reason—that the second
wrong presents itself to him in the guise of the only practicable
right。 The action which before commission has been seen with
that blended common sense and fresh untarnished feeling which
is the healthy eye of the soul； is looked at afterwards with the lens
of apologetic ingenuity； through which all things that men call
beautiful and ugly are seen to be made up of textures very much
alike。 Europe adjusts itself to a fait accompli ； and so does an
individual character—until the placid adjustment is disturbed by a
convulsive retribution。
No man can escape this vitiating effect of an offence against his
own sentiment of right； and the effect was the stronger in Arthur
because of that very need of self…respect which； while his
conscience was still at ease； was one of his best safeguards。 Self…
accusation was too painful to him—he could not face it。 He must
persuade himself that he had not been very much to blame； he
began even to pity himself for the necessity he was under of
deceiving Adam—it was a course so opposed to the honesty of his
own nature。 But then； it was the only right thing to do。
George Eliot ElecBook Classics
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Adam Bede 413
Well； whatever had been amiss in him； he was miserable
enough in consequence： miserable about Hetty； miserable about
this letter that he had promised to write； and that seemed at one
moment to be a gross barbarity； at another perhaps the greatest
kindness he could do to her。 And across all this reflection would
dart every now and then a sudden impulse of passionate defiance
towards all consequences。 He would carry Hetty away； and all
other considerations might go to 。 。 。
In this state of mind the four walls of his room made an
intolerable prison to him； they seemed to hem in and press down
upon him all the crowd of contradictory thoughts and conflicting
feelings； some of which would fly away in the open air。 He had
only an hour or two to make up his mind in； and he must get clear
and calm。 Once on Meg’s back； in the fresh air of that fine
morning； he should be more master of the situation。
The pretty creature arched her bay neck in the sunshine； and
pawed the gravel； and trembled with pleasure when her master
stroked her nose； and patted her； and talked to her even in a more
caressing tone than usual。 He loved her the better because she
knew nothing of his secrets。 But Meg was quite as well acquainted
with her master’s mental state as many others of her sex with the
mental condition of the nice young gentlemen towards whom their
hearts are in a state of fluttering expectation。
Arthur cantered for five miles beyond the Chase； till he was at
the foot of a hill where there were no hedges or trees to hem in the
road。 Then he threw the bridle on Meg’s neck and prepared to
make up his mind。
Hetty knew that their meeting yesterday must be the last before
Arthur went away—there was no possibility of their contriving
George Eliot ElecBook Classics
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Adam Bede 414
another without exciting suspicion—and she was like a frightened
child； unable to think of anything； only able to cry at the mention
of parting； and then put her face up to have the tears kissed away。
He could do nothing but comfort her； and lull her into dreaming
on。 A letter would be a dreadfully abrupt way of awakening her！
Yet there was truth in what Adam said—that it would save her
from a lengthened delusion； which might be worse than a sharp
immediate pain。 And it was the only way of satisfying Adam； who
must be satisfied； for more reasons than one。 If he could have seen
her again！ But that was impossible； there was such a thorny hedge
of hindrances between them； and an imprudence would be fatal。
And yet； if he could see her again； what good would it do？ Only
cause him to suffer more from the sight of her distress and the
remembrance of it。 Away from him she was surrounded by all the
motives to self…control。
A sudden dread here fell like a shadow across his imagination—
the dread lest she should do something violent in her grief； and
close upon that dread came another； which deepened the shadow。
But he shook them off with the force of youth and hope。 What was
the ground for painting the future in that dark way？ It was just as
likely to be the reverse。 Arthur told himself he did not deserve that
things should turn out badly。 He had never meant beforehand to
do anything his conscience disapproved； he had been led on by
circumstances。 There was a sort of implicit confidence in him that
he was really such a good fellow at bottom； Providence would not
treat him harshly。
At all events； he couldn’t help what would come now： all he
could do was to take what seemed the best course at the present
moment。 And he persuaded himself that that course was to make
George Eliot ElecBook Classics
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Adam Bede 415
the way open between Adam and Hetty。 Her heart might really
turn to Adam； as he said； after a while； and in that case there
would have been no great harm done； since it was still Adam’s
ardent wish to make her his wife。 To be sure； Adam was
deceived—deceived in a way that Arthur would have resented as a
deep wrong if it had been practised on himself。 That was a
reflection that marred the consoling prospect。 Arthur’s cheeks
even burned in mingled shame and irritation at the thought。 But
what could a man do in such a dilemma？ He was bound in honour
to say no word that could injure Hetty： his first duty was to guard
her。 He would never have told or acted a lie on his own account。
Good God！ What a miserable fool he was to have brought himself
into such a dilemma； and yet； if ever a man had excuses； he had。
（Pity that consequences are determined not by excuses but by
actions！）
Well； the letter must be written； it was the only means that
promised a solution of the difficulty。 The tears came into Arthur’s
eyes as he thought of Hetty reading it； but it would be almost as
hard for him to write it； he was not doing anything easy to himself；
and this last thought helped him to arrive at a conclusion。 He
could never deliberately have taken a step which inflicted pain on
another and left himself at ease。 Even a movement of jealousy at
the thought of giving up Hetty to Adam went to convince him that
he was making a sacrifice。
When once he had come to this conclusion； he turned Meg
round and set off home again in a canter。 The letter should be
written the first thing； and the rest of the
