adam bede(亚当[1].比德)-第101节
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AFor sleep comes to the perplexed—if the perplexed are
only weary enough。 But at seven he rang his bell and
astonished Pym by declaring he was going to get up； and must
have breakfast brought to him at eight。
“And see that my mare is saddled at half…past eight； and tell my
grandfather when he’s down that I’m better this morning and am
gone for a ride。”
He had been awake an hour； and could rest in bed no longer。 In
bed our yesterdays are too oppressive： if a man can only get up；
though it be but to whistle or to smoke； he has a present which
offers some resistance to the past—sensations which assert
themselves against tyrannous memories。 And if there were such a
thing as taking averages of feeling； it would certainly be found that
in the hunting and shooting seasons regret； self…reproach； and
mortified pride weigh lighter on country gentlemen than in late
spring and summer。 Arthur felt that he should be more of a man
on horseback。 Even the presence of Pym； waiting on him with the
usual deference； was a reassurance to him after the scenes of
yesterday。 For； with Arthur’s sensitiveness to opinion； the loss of
Adam’s respect was a shock to his self…contentment which
suffused his imagination with the sense that he had sunk in all
eyes—as a sudden shock of fear from some real peril makes a
nervous woman afraid even to step； because all her perceptions
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are suffused with a sense of danger。
Arthur’s； as you know； was a loving nature。 Deeds of kindness
were as easy to him as a bad habit： they were the common issue of
his weaknesses and good qualities； of his egoism and his
sympathy。 He didn’t like to witness pain； and he liked to have
grateful eyes beaming on him as the giver of pleasure。 When he
was a lad of seven； he one day kicked down an old gardener’s
pitcher of broth； from no motive but a kicking impulse； not
reflecting that it was the old man’s dinner； but on learning that
sad fact； he took his favourite pencil…case and a silver…hafted knife
out of his pocket and offered them as compensation。 He had been
the same Arthur ever since； trying to make all offences forgotten
in benefits。 If there were any bitterness in his nature； it could only
show itself against the man who refused to be conciliated by him。
And perhaps the time was come for some of that bitterness to rise。
At the first moment； Arthur had felt pure distress and self…
reproach at discovering that Adam’s happiness was involved in his
relation to Hetty。 If there had been a possibility of making Adam
tenfold amends—if deeds of gift； or any other deeds； could have
restored Adam’s contentment and regard for him as a benefactor；
Arthur would not only have executed them without hesitation； but
would have felt bound all the more closely to Adam； and would
never have been weary of making retribution。 But Adam could
receive no amends； his suffering could not be cancelled； his
respect and affection could not be recovered by any prompt deeds
of atonement。 He stood like an immovable obstacle against which
no pressure could avail； an embodiment of what Arthur most
shrank from believing in—the irrevocableness of his own
wrongdoing。 The words of scorn； the refusal to shake hands； the
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mastery asserted over him in their last conversation in the
Hermitage—above all； the sense of having been knocked down； to
which a man does not very well reconcile himself； even under the
most heroic circumstances—pressed on him with a galling pain
which was stronger than compunction。 Arthur would so gladly
have persuaded himself that he had done no harm！ And if no one
had told him the contrary； he could have persuaded himself so
much better。 Nemesis can seldom forge a sword for herself out of
our consciences—out of the suffering we feel in the suffering we
may have caused： there is rarely metal enough there to make an
effective weapon。 Our moral sense learns the manners of good
society and smiles when others smile； but when some rude person
gives rough names to our actions； she is apt to take part against us。
And so it was with Arthur： Adam’s judgment of him； Adam’s
grating words； disturbed his self…soothing arguments。
Not that Arthur had been at ease before Adam’s discovery。
Struggles and resolves had transformed themselves into
compunction and anxiety。 He was distressed for Hetty’s sake； and
distressed for his own； that he must leave her behind。 He had
always； both in making and breaking resolutions； looked beyond
his passion and seen that it must speedily end in separation； but
his nature was too ardent and tender for him not to suffer at this
parting； and on Hetty’s account he was filled with uneasiness。 He
had found out the dream in which she was living—that she was to
be a lady in silks and satins—and when he had first talked to her
about his going away； she had asked him tremblingly to let her go
with him and be married。 It was his painful knowledge of this
which had given the most exasperating sting to Adam’s
reproaches。 He had said no word with the purpose of deceiving
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her—her vision was all spun by her own childish fancy—but he
was obliged to confess to himself that it was spun half out of his
own actions。 And to increase the mischief； on this last evening he
had not dared to hint the truth to Hetty； he had been obliged to
soothe her with tender； hopeful words； lest he should throw her
into violent distress。 He felt the situation acutely； felt the sorrow of
the dear thing in the present； and thought with a darker anxiety of
the tenacity which her feelings might have in the future。 That was
the one sharp point which pressed against him； every other he
could evade by hopeful self…persuasion。 The whole thing had been
secret； the Poysers had not the shadow of a suspicion。 No one；
except Adam； knew anything of what had passed—no one else was
likely to know； for Arthur had impressed on Hetty that it would be
fatal to betray； by word or look； that there had been the least
intimacy between them； and Adam； who knew half their secret；
would rather help them to keep it than betray it。 It was an
unfortunate business altogether； but there was no use in making it
worse than it was by imaginary exaggerations and forebodings of
evil that might never come。 The temporary sadness for Hetty was
the worst consequence； he resolutely turned away his eyes from
any bad consequence that was not demonstrably inevitable。 But—
but Hetty might have had the trouble in some other way if not in
this。 And perhaps hereafter he might be able to do a great deal for
her and make up to her for all the tears she would shed about him。
She would owe the advantage of his care for her in future years to
the sorrow she had incurred now。 So good comes out of evil。 Such
is the beautiful arrangement of things！
Are you inclined to ask whether this can be the same Arthur
who； two months ago； had that freshness of feeling； that delicate
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