sketches new and old-第61节

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I　then　said　we　would　drop　in；　and　if　we　liked　his　house　as　well　as　any
other；　we　would　give　him　our　custom。

He　said　he　thought　we　would　like　his　establishment　well　enough　to　confine
ourselves　to　itsaid　he　never　saw　anybody　who　would　go　off　and　hunt　up
another　man　in　his　line　after　trading　with　him　once。

That　sounded　pretty　complacent；　but　barring　that　natural　expression　of
villainy　which　we　all　have；　the　man　looked　honest　enough。

I　do　not　know　how　it　came　about　exactly；　but　gradually　we　appeared　to
melt　down　and　run　together；　conversationally　speaking；　and　then
everything　went　along　as　comfortably　as　clockwork。

We　talked；　and　talked；　and　talkedat　least　I　did；　and　we　laughed；　and
laughed；　and　laughedat　least　he　did。　　But　all　the　time　I　had　my
presence　of　mind　about　meI　had　my　native　shrewdness　turned　on　〃full
head；〃　as　the　engineers　say。　　I　was　determined　to　find　out　all　about　his
business　in　spite　of　his　obscure　answersand　I　was　determined　I　would
have　it　out　of　him　without　his　suspecting　what　I　was　at。　　I　meant　to　trap
him　with　a　deep；　deep　ruse。　　I　would　tell　him　all　about　my　own　business；
and　he　would　naturally　so　warm　to　me　during　this　seductive　burst　of
confidence　that　he　would　forget　himself；　and　tell　me　all　about　his
affairs　before　he　suspected　what　I　was　about。　　I　thought　to　myself；　My
son；　you　little　know　what　an　old　fox　you　are　dealing　with。　　I　said：

〃Now　you　never　would　guess　what　I　made　lecturing　this　winter　and　last
spring？〃

〃Nodon't　believe　I　could；　to　save　me。　　Let　me　seelet　me　see。　　　About
two　thousand　dollars；　maybe？　　But　no；　no；　sir；　I　know　you　couldn't　have
made　that　much。　　　Say　seventeen　hundred；　maybe？〃

〃Ha！　ha！　　I　knew　you　couldn't。　　My　lecturing　receipts　for　last　spring　and
this　winter　were　fourteen　thousand　seven　hundred　and　fifty　dollars。　　What
do　you　think　of　that？〃

〃Why；　it　is　amazing…perfectly　amazing。　　I　will　make　a　note　of　it。　　And
you　say　even　this　wasn't　all？〃

〃All！　　Why　bless　you；　there　was　my　income　from　the　Daily　Warwhoop　for
four　monthsaboutaboutwell；　what　should　you　say　to　about　eight
thousand　dollars；　for　instance？〃

〃Say！　　Why；　I　should　say　I　should　like　to　see　myself　rolling　in　just　such
another　ocean　of　affluence。　　Eight　thousand！　　I'll　make　a　note　of　it。
Why　man！　and　on　top　of　all　this　am　I　to　understand　that　you　had　still
more　income？〃

〃Ha！　ha！　ha！　　Why；　you're　only　in　the　suburbs　of　it；　so　to　speak。
There's　my　book；　The　Innocents　Abroad　price　3。50　to　5；　according　to　the
binding。　　Listen　to　me。　　Look　me　in　the　eye。　　During　the　last　four　months
and　a　half；　saying　nothing　of　sales　before　that；　but　just　simply　during
the　four　months　and　a　half；　we've　sold　ninety…five　thousand　copies　of
that　book。　　Ninety…five　thousand！　　Think　of　it。　　Average　four　dollars　a
copy；　say。　　It's　nearly　four　hundred　thousand　dollars；　my　son。　　I　get
half。〃

〃The　suffering　Moses！　　I'll　set　that　down。　　Fourteen…seven…fiftyeight…
two　hundred。　　Total；　saywell；　upon　my　word；　the　grand　total　is　about
two　hundred　and　thirteen　or　fourteen　thousand　dollars！　　Is　that
possible？〃

〃Possible！　　If　there's　any　mistake　it's　the　other　way。　　Two　hundred　and
fourteen　thousand；　cash；　is　my　income　for　this　year　if　I　know　how　to
cipher。〃

Then　the　gentleman　got　up　to　go。　　It　came　over　me　most　uncomfortably　that
maybe　I　had　made　my　revelations　for　nothing；　besides　being　flattered　into
stretching　them　considerably　by　the　stranger's　astonished　exclamations。
But　no；　at　the　last　moment　the　gentleman　handed　me　a　large　envelope；　and
said　it　contained　his　advertisement；　and　that　I　would　find　out　all　about
his　business　in　it；　and　that　he　would　be　happy　to　have　my　custom…would；
in　fact；　be　proud　to　have　the　custom　of　a　man　of　such　prodigious　income；
and　that　he　used　to　think　there　were　several　wealthy　men　in　the　city；　but
when　they　came　to　trade　with　him　he　discovered　that　they　barely　had
enough　to　live　on；　and　that；　in　truth；　it　had　been　such　a　weary；　weary
age　since　he　had　seen　a　rich　man　face　to　face；　and　talked　to　him；　and
touched　him　with　his　hands；　that　he　could　hardly　refrain　from　embracing
mein　fact；　would　esteem　it　a　great　favor　if　I　would　let　him　embrace　me。

This　so　pleased　me　that　I　did　not　try　to　resist；　but　allowed　this　simple…
hearted　stranger　to　throw　his　arms　about　me　and　weep　a　few　tranquilizing
tears　down　the　back　of　my　neck。　　Then　he　went　his　way。

As　soon　as　he　was　gone　I　opened　his　advertisement。　　I　studied　it
attentively　for　four　minutes。　　I　then　called　up　the　cook；　and　said：

〃Hold　me　while　I　faint！　　Let　Marie　turn　the　griddle…cakes。〃

By　and　by；　when　I　came　to；　I　sent　down　to　the　rum…mill　on　the　corner　and
hired　an　artist　by　the　week　to　sit　up　nights　and　curse　that　stranger；　and
give　me　a　lift　occasionally　in　the　daytime　when　I　came　to　a　hard　place。

Ah；　what　a　miscreant　he　was！　　His　〃advertisement　　was　nothing　in　the
world。　　but　a　wicked　tax…returna　string　of　impertinent　questions　about
my　private　affairs；　occupying　the　best　part　of　four　fools…cap　pages　of
fine　print…questions；　I　may　remark；　gotten　up　with　such　marvelous
ingenuity　that　the　oldest　man　in　the　world　couldn't　understand　what　the
most　of　them　were　driving　atquestions；　too；　that　were　calculated　to
make　a　man　report　about　four　times　his　actual　income　to　keep　from
swearing　to　a　falsehood。　　I　looked　for　a　loophole；　but　there　did　not
appear　to　be　any。　　Inquiry　No。　1　covered　my　case　as　generously　and　as
amply　as　an　umbrella　could　cover　an　ant…hill：

　　　　　What　were　your　profits；　during　the　past　year；　from　any　trade；
　　　　　business；　or　vocation；　wherever　carried　on？

And　that　inquiry　was　backed　up　by　thirteen　others　of　an　equally　searching
nature；　the　most　modest　of　which　required　information　as　to　whether　I　had
committed　any　burglary　or　highway　robbery；　or；　by　any　arson　or　other
secret　source　of　emolument　had　acquired　property　which　was　not　enumerated
in　my　statement　of　income　as　set　opposite　to　inquiry　No。　1。

It　was　plain　that　that　stranger　had　enabled　me　to　make　a　goose　of　myself。
It　was　very；　very　plain；　and　so　I　went　out　and　hired　another　artist。
By　working　on　my　vanity；　the　stranger　had　seduced　me　into　declaring　an
income　of　two　hundred　and　fourteen　thousand　dollars。　　By　law；　one
thousand　dollars　of　this　was　exempt　from　income　taxthe　only　relief　I
could　see；　and　it　was　only　a　drop　in　the　ocean。　　At　the　legal　five　per
cent。；　I　must　pay　to　the　government　the　sum　of　ten　thousand　six　hundred
and　fifty　dollars；　income　tax！

＇I　may　remark；　in　this　place；　that　I　did　not　do　it。＇

I　am　acquainted　with　a　very　opulent　man；　whose　house　is　a　palace；　whose
table　is　regal；　whose　outlays　are　enormous；　yet　a　man　who　has　no　income；
as　I　have　often　noticed　by　the　revenue　returns；　and　to　him　I　went　for
advice　in　my　distress。　　He　took　my　dreadful　exhibition　of　receipts；　he
put　on　his　glasses；　he　took　his　pen；　and　presto！I　was　a　pauper！　　It　was
the　neatest　thing　that　ever　was。　　He　did　it　simply　by　deftly　manipulating
the　bill　of　〃DEDUCTIONS。〃　　He　set　down　my　〃State；　national；　and　municipal
taxes〃　at　so　much；　my　〃losses　by　shipwreck；　fire；　etc。；〃　at　so　much；　my
〃losses　on　sales　of　real　estate〃on　〃live　stock　sold〃on　〃payments　for
rent　of　homestead〃on　〃repairs；　improvements；　interest〃on　〃previously
taxed　salary　as　an　officer　of　the　United　States　army；　navy；　revenue
service；〃　and　other　things。　　He　got　astonishing　〃deductions〃　out　of　each
and　every　one　of　these　matterseach　and　every　one　of　them。　　And　when　he
was　done　he　handed　me　the　paper；　and　I　saw　at　a　glance　that　during　the
year　my　income；　in　the　way　of　profits；　had　been　one　thousand　two　hundred
and　fifty　dollars　and　forty　cents。

〃Now；〃　said　he；　〃the　thousand　dollars　is　exempt　by　law。　　What　you　want　to
do　is　to　go　and　swear　this　document　in　and　pay　tax　on　the　two　hundred　and
fifty　dollars。〃

＇While　he　was　making　this　speech　his　little　boy　Willie　lifted　a　two…
dollar　greenback　out　of　his　vest　pocket　and　vanished　with　it；　and　I　would
wager；　anything　that　if　my　stranger　were　to　call　on　that　little　boy　to…
morrow　he　would　make　a　false　return　of　his　income。＇

〃Do　you；〃　said　I；　〃do　you　always　work　up　the　'deductions'　after　this
fashion　in　your　own　case；　sir？〃

〃Well；　I　should　say　so！　　If　it　weren't　for　those　eleven　saving　clauses
under　the　head　of　'Deductions'　I　should　be　beggared　every　year　to　support
this　hateful　and　wicked；　this　extortionate　and　tyrannical　government。〃

This　gentleman　stands　away　up　among　the　very　best　of　the　solid　men　of　the
citythe　men　of　moral　weight；　of　commercial　integrity；　of　unimpeachable；
social　spotlessnessand　so　I　bowed　to　his　example。　　I　went　down　to　the
revenue　office；　and　under　the　accusing　eyes　of　my　old　visitor　I　stood　up
and　swore　to　lie　after　lie；　fraud　after　fraud；　villainy　after　villainy；
till　my　soul　was　coated　inches　and　inches　thick　with　perjury；　and　my
self…respect　gone　for　ever　and　ever。

But　what　of　it？　　It　is　nothing　more　than　thousands　of　the　richest　and
proudest；　and　most　respected；　honored；　and　courted　men　in　America　do
every　year。　　And　so　I　don't　care。　　I　am　not　ashamed。　　I　shall　simply；
for　the　present；　talk　little　and　eschew　fire…proof　gloves；　lest　I　fall
into　certain　dreadful　habits　irrevocably。







End