sketches new and old-第58节

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come　as　near　curing　a　cold　as　anything　in　the　world。　　I　hardly　thought　I
had　room　for　it；　but　I　tried　it　anyhow。　　The　result　was　surprising。　　I
believed　I　had　thrown　up　my　immortal　soul。

Now；　as　I　am　giving　my　experience　only　for　the　benefit　of　those　who　are
troubled　with　the　distemper　I　am　writing　about；　I　feel　that　they　will　see
the　propriety　of　my　cautioning　them　against　following　such　portions　of　it
as　proved　inefficient　with　me；　and　acting　upon　this　conviction；　I　warn
them　against　warm　salt…water。　　It　may　be　a　good　enough　remedy；　but　I
think　it　is　too　severe。　　If　I　had　another　cold　in　the　head；　and　there
were　no　course　left　me　but　to　take　either　an　earthquake　or　a　quart　of
warm　saltwater；　I　would　take　my　chances　on　the　earthquake。

After　the　storm　which　had　been　raging　in　my　stomach　had　subsided；　and　no
more　good　Samaritans　happening　along；　I　went　on　borrowing　handkerchiefs
again　and　blowing　them　to　atoms；　as　had　been　my　custom　in　the　early
stages　of　my　cold；　until　I　came　across　a　lady　who　had　just　arrived　from
over　the　plains；　and　who　said　she　had　lived　in　a　part　of　the　country
where　doctors　were　scarce；　and　had　from　necessity　acquired　considerable
skill　in　the　treatment　of　simple　〃family　complaints。〃　　I　knew　she　must
have　had　much　experience；　for　she　appeared　to　be　a　hundred　and　fifty
years　old。

She　mixed　a　decoction　composed　of　molasses；　aquafortis；　turpentine；　and
various　other　drugs；　and　instructed　me　to　take　a　wine…glass　full　of　it
every　fifteen　minutes。　　I　never　took　but　one　dose；　that　was　enough；　it
robbed　me　of　all　moral　principle；　and　awoke　every　unworthy　impulse　of　my
nature。　　Under　its　malign　influence　my　brain　conceived　miracles　of
meanness；　but　my　hands　were　too　feeble　to　execute　them；　at　that　time；　had
it　not　been　that　my　strength　had　surrendered　to　a　succession　of　assaults
from　infallible　remedies　for　my　cold；　I　am　satisfied　that　I　would　have
tried　to　rob　the　graveyard。　　Like　most　other　people；　I　often　feel　mean；
and　act　accordingly；　but　until　I　took　that　medicine　I　had　never　reveled
in　such　supernatural　depravity；　and　felt　proud　of　it。　　At　the　end　of　two
days　I　was　ready　to　go　to　doctoring　again。　　I　took　a　few　more　unfailing
remedies；　and　finally　drove　my　cold　from　my　head　to　my　lungs。

I　got　to　coughing　incessantly；　and　my　voice　fell　below　zero；　I　conversed
in　a　thundering　bass；　two　octaves　below　my　natural　tone；　I　could　only
compass　my　regular　nightly　repose　by　coughing　myself　down　to　a　state　of
utter　exhaustion；　and　then　the　moment　I　began　to　talk　in　my　sleep；　my
discordant　voice　woke　me　up　again。

My　case　grew　more　and　more　serious　every　day。　　A　Plain　gin　was
recommended；　I　took　it。　　Then　gin　and　molasses；　I　took　that　also。　　Then
gin　and　onions；　I　added　the　onions；　and　took　all　three。　　I　detected　no
particular　result；　however；　except　that　I　had　acquired　a　breath　like　a
buzzard's。

I　found　I　had　to　travel　for　my　health。　　I　went　to　Lake　Bigler　with　my
reportorial　comrade；　Wilson。　　It　is　gratifying　to　me　to　reflect　that　we
traveled　in　considerable　style；　we　went　in　the　Pioneer　coach；　and　my
friend　took　all　his　baggage　with　him；　consisting　of　two　excellent　silk
handkerchiefs　and　a　daguerreotype　of　his　grandmother。　　We　sailed　and
hunted　and　fished　and　danced　all　day；　and　I　doctored　my　cough　all　night。
By　managing　in　this　way；　I　made　out　to　improve　every　hour　in　the　twenty…
four。　　But　my　disease　continued　to　grow　worse。

A　sheet…bath　was　recommended。　　I　had　never　refused　a　remedy　yet；　and　it
seemed　poor　policy　to　commence　then；　therefore　I　determined　to　take　a
sheet…bath；　notwithstanding　I　had　no　idea　what　sort　of　arrangement　it
was。　　It　was　administered　at　midnight；　and　the　weather　was　very　frosty。
My　breast　and　back　were　bared；　and　a　sheet　（there　appeared　to　be　a
thousand　yards　of　it）　soaked　in　ice…water；　was　wound　around　me　until　I
resembled　a　swab　for　a　Columbiad。

It　is　a　cruel　expedient。　　When　the　chilly　rag　touches　one's　warm　flesh；
it　makes　him　start　with　sudden　violence；　and　gasp　for　breath　just　as　men
do　in　the　death…agony。　　It　froze　the　marrow　in　my　bones　and　stopped　the
beating　of　my　heart。　　I　thought　my　time　had　come。

Young　Wilson　said　the　circumstance　reminded　him　of　an　anecdote　about　a
negro　who　was　being　baptized；　and　who　slipped　from　the　parson's　grasp；
and　came　near　being　drowned。　　He　floundered　around；　though；　and　finally
rose　up　out　of　the　water　considerably　strangled　and　furiously　angry；　and
started　ashore　at　once；　spouting　water　like　a　whale；　and　remarking；　with
great　asperity；　that　〃one　o'　dese　days　some　gen'l'man's　nigger　gwyne　to
get　killed　wid　jis'　such　damn　foolishness　as　dis！〃

Never　take　a　sheet…bath…never。　　Next　to　meeting　a　lady　acquaintance　who；
for　reasons　best　known　to　herself；　don't　see　you　when　she　looks　at　you；
and　don't　know　you　when　she　does　see　you；　it　is　the　most　uncomfortable
thing　in　the　world。

But；　as　I　was　saying；　when　the　sheet…bath　failed　to　cure　my　cough；
a　lady　friend　recommended　the　application　of　a　mustard　plaster　to　my
breast。　　I　believe　that　would　have　cured　me　effectually；　if　it　had　not
been　for　young　Wilson。　　When　I　went　to　bed；　I　put　my　mustard　plaster
which　was　a　very　gorgeous　one；　eighteen　inches　squarewhere　I　could
reach　it　when　I　was　ready　for　it。　　But　young　Wilson　got　hungry　in　the
night；　and　here　is　food　for　the　imagination。

After　sojourning　a　week　at　Lake　Bigler；　I　went　to　Steamboat　Springs；　and；
besides　the　steam…baths；　I　took　a　lot　of　the　vilest　medicines　that　were
ever　concocted。　　They　would　have　cured　me；　but　I　had　to　go　back　to
Virginia　City；　where；　notwithstanding　the　variety　of　new　remedies　I
absorbed　every　day；　I　managed　to　aggravate　my　disease　by　carelessness　and
undue　exposure。

I　finally　concluded　to　visit　San　Francisco；　and　the；　first　day　I　got
there　a　lady　at　the　hotel　told　me　to　drink　a　quart　of　whisky　every
twenty…four　hours；　and　a　friend　up…town　recommended　precisely　the　same
course。　　Each　advised　me　to　take　a　quart；　that　made　half　a　gallon。　　I　did
it；　and　still　live。

Now；　with　the　kindest　motives　in　the　world；　I　offer　for　the　consideration
of　consumptive　patients　the　variegated　course　of　treatment　I　have　lately
gone　through。　　Let　them　try　it；　if　it　don't　cure；　it　can't　more　than　kill
them。






A　CURIOUS　PLEASURE　EXCURSION

＇Published　at　the　time　of　the　〃Comet　Scare〃　in　the　summer　of　1874＇

＇We　have　received　the　following　advertisement；　but；　inasmuch　as　it
concerns　a　matter　of　deep　and　general　interest；　we　feel　fully　justified
in　inserting　it　in　our　reading…columns。　　We　are　confident　that　our
conduct　in　this　regard　needs　only　explanation；　not　apology。Ed。；　N。　Y。
Herald。＇


ADVERTISEMENT

This　is　to　inform　the　public　that　in　connection　with　Mr。　Barnum　I　have
leased　the　comet　for　a　term；　of　years；　and　I　desire　also　to　solicit　the
public　patronage　in　favor　of　a　beneficial　enterprise　which　we　have　in
view。

We　propose　to　fit　up　comfortable；　and　even　luxurious；　accommodations　in
the　comet　for　as　many　persons　as　will　honor　us　with　their　patronage；　and
make　an　extended　excursion　among　the　heavenly　bodies。　　We　shall　prepare
1；000；000　state…rooms　in　the　tail　of　the　comet　（with　hot　and　cold　water；
gas；　looking…glass；　parachute；　umbrella；　etc。；　in　each）；　and　shall
construct　more　if　we　meet　with　a　sufficiently　generous　encouragement。
We　shall　have　billiard…rooms；　card…rooms；　music…rooms；　bowling…alleys　and
many　spacious　theaters　and　free　libraries；　and　on　the　main　deck　we
propose　to　have　a　driving　park；　with　upward　of　100；000　miles　of　roadway
in　it。　　We　shall　publish　daily　newspapers　also。


　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　DEPARTURE　OF　THE　COMET

The　comet　will　leave　New　York　at　10　P。M。　　on　the　20th　inst。；　and
therefore　it　will　be　desirable　that　the　passengers　be　on　board　by　eight
at　the　latest；　to　avoid　confusion　in　getting　under　way。　　It　is　not　known
whether　passports　will　be　necessary　or　not；　but　it　is　deemed　best　that
passengers　provide　them；　and　so　guard　against　all　contingencies。　　No　dogs
will　be　allowed　on　board。　　This　rule　has　been　made　in　deference　to　the
existing　state　of　feeling　regarding　these　animals；　and　will　be　strictly
adhered　to。　　The　safety　of　the　passengers　will　in　all　ways　be　jealously
looked　to。　　A　substantial　iron　railing　will　be　put　up　all　around　the
comet；　and　no　one　will　be　allowed　to　go　to　the　edge　and　look　over　unless
accompanied　by　either　my　partner　or　myself。


　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　THE　POSTAL　SERVICE

will　be　of　the　completest　character。　　Of　course　the　telegraph；　and　the
telegraph　only；　will　be　employed；　consequently　friends　occupying　state…
rooms　20；000；000　and　even　30；000；000　miles　apart　will　be　able　to　send　a
message　and　receive　a　reply　inside　of　eleven　days。　　Night　messages　will
be　half…rate。　　The　whole　of　this　vast　postal　system　will　be　under　the
personal　superintendence　of　Mr。　Hale　of　Maine。　　Meals　served　at　all
hours。　　Meals　served　in　staterooms　charged　extra。

Hostility　is　not　apprehended　from　any　great　planet；　but　we　have　thought
it　best　to　err　on　the　safe　side；　and　therefore　have　provided　a　proper
number　of　mortars；　siege…guns；　and　boarding…pikes。　　History　shows　that
small；　isolated　communities；　such　as　the　people　of　remote　islands；　are