sketches new and old-第57节

按键盘上方向键 ← 或 → 可快速上下翻页，按键盘上的 Enter 键可回到本书目录页，按键盘上方向键 ↑ 可回到本页顶部！
————未阅读完？加入书签已便下次继续阅读！


custom　was　to　dump　a　poor　devil　like　him　into　a　shallow　hole；　and　then
inform　his　friends　what　had　become　of　him。　　Mrs。　　Murphy　jumped　to　the
conclusion　that　it　would　only　cost　two　or　three　dollars　to　embalm　her
dead　husband；　and　so　she　telegraphed　〃Yes。〃　　It　was　at　the　〃wake〃　that
the　bill　for　embalming　arrived　and　was　presented　to　the　widow。

She　uttered　a　wild；　sad　wail　that　pierced　every　heart；　and　said；
〃Sivinty…foive　dollars　for　stooffin'　Dan；　blister　their　sowls！　　Did　thim
divils　suppose　I　was　goin'　to　stairt　a　Museim；　that　I'd　be　dalin'　in　such
expinsive　curiassities　！〃

The　banker's　clerk　said　there　was　not　a　dry　eye　in　the　house。






THE　SCRIPTURAL　PANORAMIST　＇Written　about　1866。＇

There　was　a　fellow　traveling　around　in　that　country；〃　said　Mr。
Nickerson；　〃with　a　moral…religious　showa　sort　of　scriptural　panorama
and　he　hired　a　wooden…headed　old　slab　to　play　the　piano　for　him。　　After
the　first　night's　performance　the　showman　says：

〃'My　friend；　you　seem　to　know　pretty　much　all　the　tunes　there　are；　and
you　worry　along　first　rate。　　But　then；　didn't　you　notice　that　sometimes
last　night　the　piece　you　happened　to　be　playing　was　a　little　rough　on　the
proprieties；　so　to　speakdidn't　seem　to　jibe　with　the　general　gait　of
the　picture　that　was　passing　at　the　time；　as　it　werewas　a　little
foreign　to　the　subject；　you　knowas　if　you　didn't　either　trump　or　follow
suit；　you　understand？'

〃'Well；　no；'　the　fellow　said；　'he　hadn't　noticed；　but　it　might　be；　he　had
played　along　just　as　it　came　handy。'

〃So　they　put　it　up　that　the　simple　old　dummy　was　to　keep　his　eye　on　the
panorama　after　that；　and　as　soon　as　a　stunning　picture　was　reeled　out　he
was　to　fit　it　to　a　dot　with　a　piece　of　music　that　would　help　the　audience
to　get　the　idea　of　the　subject；　and　warm　them　up　like　a　camp…meeting
revival。　　That　sort　of　thing　would　corral　their　sympathies；　the　showman
said。

〃There　was　a　big　audience　that　night…mostly　middle…aged　and　old　people
who　belong　to　the　church；　and　took　a　strong　interest　in　Bible　matters；
and　the　balance　were　pretty　much　young　bucks　and　heifersthey　always
come　out　strong　on　panoramas；　you　know；　because　it　gives　them　a　chance　to
taste　one　another's　complexions　in　the　dark。

〃Well；　the　showman　began　to　swell　himself　up　for　his　lecture；　and　the　old
mud…Jobber　tackled　the　piano　and　ran　his　fingers　up　and　down　once　or
twice　to　see　that　she　was　all　right；　and　the　fellows　behind　the　curtain
commenced　to　grind　out　the　panorama。　　The　showman　balanced　his　weight　on
his　right　foot；　and　propped　his　hands　over　his　hips；　and　flung　his　eyes
over　his　shoulder　at　the　scenery；　and　said：

〃'Ladies　and　gentlemen；　the　painting　now　before　you　illustrates　the
beautiful　and　touching　parable　of　the　Prodigal　Son。　　Observe　the　happy
expression　just　breaking　over　the　features　of　the　poor；　suffering　youth
so　worn　and　weary　with　his　long　march；　note　also　the　ecstasy　beaming　from
the　uplifted　countenance　of　the　aged　father；　and　the　joy　that　sparkles　in
the　eyes　of　the　excited　group　of　youths　and　maidens；　and　seems　ready　to
burst　into　the　welcoming　chorus　from　their　lips。　　The　lesson；　my　friends；
is　as　solemn　and　instructive　as　the　story　is　tender　and　beautiful。'

〃The　mud…Jobber　was　all　ready；　and　when　the　second　speech　was　finished；
struck　up：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Oh；　we'll　all　get　blind　drunk
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　When　Johnny　comes　marching　home！

〃Some　of　the　people　giggled；　and　some　groaned　a　little。　　The　showman
couldn't　say　a　word；　he　looked　at　the　pianist　sharp；　but　he　was　all
lovely　and　serenehe　didn't　know　there　was　anything　out　of　gear。

〃The　panorama　moved　on；　and　the　showman　drummed　up　his　grit　and　started
in　fresh。

〃'Ladies　and　gentlemen；　the　fine　picture　now　unfolding　itself　to　your
gaze　exhibits　one　of　the　most　notable　events　in　Bible　historyour
Saviour　and　His　disciples　upon　the　Sea　of　Galilee。　　How　grand；　how　awe…
inspiring　are　the　reflections　which　the　subject　invokes！　　What　sublimity
of　faith　is　revealed　to　us　in　this　lesson　from　the　sacred　writings！　　The
Saviour　rebukes　the　angry　waves；　and　walks　securely　upon　the　bosom　of　the
deep！'

〃All　around　the　house　they　were　whispering；　'Oh；　how　lovely；　how
beautiful！'　and　the　orchestra　let　himself　out　again：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃A　life　on　the　ocean　wave；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　And　a　home　on　the　rolling　deep！

〃There　was　a　good　deal　of　honest　snickering　turned　on　this　time；　and
considerable　groaning；　and　one　or　two　old　deacons　got　up　and　went　out。
The　showman　grated　his　teeth；　and　cursed　the　piano　man　to　himself；　but
the　fellow　sat　there　like　a　knot　on　a　log；　and　seemed　to　think　he　was
doing　first…rate。

〃After　things　got　quiet　the　showman　thought　he　would　make　one　more
stagger　at　it；　anyway；　though　his　confidence　was　beginning　to　get　mighty
shaky。　　The　supes　started　the　panorama　grinding　along　again；　and　he　says：

〃'Ladies　and　gentlemen；　this　exquisite　painting　represents　the　raising　of
Lazarus　from　the　dead　by　our　Saviour。　　The　subject　has　been　handled　with
marvelous　skill　by　the　artist；　and　such　touching　sweetness　and　tenderness
of　expression　has　he　thrown　into　it　that　I　have　known　peculiarly
sensitive　persons　to　be　even　affected　to　tears　by　looking　at　it。　　Observe
the　half…confused；　half…inquiring　look　upon　the　countenance　of　the
awakened　Lazarus。　　Observe；　also；　the　attitude　and　expression　of　the
Saviour；　who　takes　him　gently　by　the　sleeve　of　his　shroud　with　one　hand；
while　He　points　with　the　other　toward　the　distant　city。'

〃Before　anybody　could　get　off　an　opinion　in　the　case　the　innocent　old　ass
at　the　piano　struck　up：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　〃Come　rise　up；　William　Ri…i…ley；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　And　go　along　with　me！

〃Whe…ew！　　All　the　solemn　old　flats　got　up　in　a　huff　to　go；　and　everybody
else　laughed　till　the　windows　rattled。

〃The　showman　went　down　and　grabbed　the　orchestra　and　shook　him　up　and
says：

〃'That　lets　you　out；　you　know；　you　chowder…headed　old　clam。　　Go　to　the
doorkeeper　and　get　your　money；　and　cut　your　stickvamose　the　ranch！
Ladies　and　gentlemen；　circumstances　over　which　I　have　no　control　compel
me　prematurely　to　dismiss　the　house。'〃






CURING　A　COLD　＇Written　about　1864＇

It　is　a　good　thing；　perhaps；　to　write　for　the　amusement　of　the　public；
but　it　is　a　far　higher　and　nobler　thing　to　write　for　their　instruction；
their　profit；　their　actual　and　tangible　benefit。　　The　latter　is　the　sole
object　of　this　article。　　If　it　prove　the　means　of　restoring　to　health　one
solitary　sufferer　among　my　race；　of　lighting　up　once　more　the　fire　of
hope　and　joy　in　his　faded　eyes；　or　bringing　back　to　his　dead　heart　again
the　quick；　generous　impulses　of　other　days；　I　shall　be　amply　rewarded　for
my　labor；　my　soul　will　be　permeated　with　the　sacred　delight　a　Christian。
feels　when　he　has　done　a　good；　unselfish　deed。

Having　led　a　pure　and　blameless　life；　I　am　justified　in　believing　that　no
man　who　knows　me　will　reject　the　suggestions　I　am　about　to　make；　out　of
fear　that　I　am　trying　to　deceive　him。　　Let　the　public　do　itself　the　honor
to　read　my　experience　in　doctoring　a　cold；　as　herein　set　forth；　and　then
follow　in　my　footsteps。

When　the　White　House　was　burned　in　Virginia　City；　I　lost　my　home；　my
happiness；　my　constitution；　and　my　trunk。　　The　loss　of　the　two　first
named　articles　was　a　matter　of　no　great　consequence；　since　a　home　without
a　mother；　or　a　sister；　or　a　distant　young　female　relative　in　it；　to
remind　you；　by　putting　your　soiled　linen　out　of　sight　and　taking　your
boots　down　off　the　mantelpiece；　that　there　are　those　who　think　about　you
and　care　for　you；　is　easily　obtained。　　And　I　cared　nothing　for　the　loss
of　my　happiness；　because；　not　being　a　poet；　it　could　not　be　possible　that
melancholy　would　abide　with　me　long。　　But　to　lose　a　good　constitution　and
a　better　trunk　were　serious　misfortunes。　　On　the　day　of　the　fire　my
constitution　succumbed　to　a　severe　cold；　caused　by　undue　exertion　in
getting　ready　to　do　something。　　I　suffered　to　no　purpose；　too；　because
the　plan　I　was　figuring　at　for　the　extinguishing　of　the　fire　was　so
elaborate　that　I　never　got　it　completed　until　the　middle　of　the　following
week。

The　first　time　I　began　to　sneeze；　a　friend　told　me　to　go　and　bathe　my
feet　in　hot　water　and　go　to　bed。　　I　did　so。　　Shortly　afterward；　another
friend　advised　me　to　get　up　and　take　a　cold　shower…bath。　　I　did　that
also。　　Within　the　hour；　another　friend　assured　me　that　it　was　policy　to
〃feed　a　cold　and　starve　a　fever。〃　　I　had　both。　　So　I　thought　it　best　to
fill　myself　up　for　the　cold；　and　then　keep　dark　and　let　the　fever　starve
awhile。

In　a　case　of；　this　kind；　I　seldom　do　things　by　halves；　I　ate　pretty
heartily；　I　conferred　my　custom　upon　a　stranger　who　had　just　opened　his
restaurant　that　morning；　he　waited　near　me　in　respectful　silence　until　I
had　finished　feeding　my　cold；　when　he　inquired　if　the　people　about
Virginia　City　were　much　afflicted　with　colds？　　I　told　him　I　thought　they
were。　　He　then　went　out　and　took　in　his　sign。

I　started　down　toward　the　office；　and　on　the　way　encountered　another
bosom　friend；　who　told　me　that　a　quart　of　salt…water；　taken　warm；　would
come　as　near　curing　a　cold　as　anything　in　the　world。　　I　hardly　thought