sketches new and old-第48节

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simpleminded　creature　it　was　what　he　was；　you　can　depend　on　that。　　He　was
just　set　on　having　things　the　way　he　wanted　them；　and　he　took　a　solid
comfort　in　laying　his　little　plans。　　He　had　me　measure　him　and　take　a
whole　raft　of　directions；　then　he　had　the　minister　stand　up　behind　along
box　with　a　tablecloth　over　it；　to　represent　the　coffin；　and　read　his
funeral　sermon；　saying　'Angcore；　angcore！'　at　the　good　places；　and　making
him　scratch　out　every　bit　of　brag　about　him；　and　all　the　hifalutin；　and
then　he　made　them　trot　out　the　choir；　so's　he　could　help　them　pick　out
the　tunes　for　the　occasion；　and　he　got　them　to　sing　'Pop　Goes　the
Weasel；'　because　he'd　always　liked　that　tune　when　he　was　downhearted；　and
solemn　music　made　him　sad；　and　when　they　sung　that　with　tears　in　their
eyes　（because　they　all　loved　him）；　and　his　relations　grieving　around；　he
just　laid　there　as　happy　as　a　bug；　and　trying　to　beat　time　and　showing
all　over　how　much　he　enjoyed　it；　and　presently　he　got　worked　up　and
excited；　and　tried　to　join　in；　for；　mind　you；　he　was　pretty　proud　of　his
abilities　in　the　singing　line；　but　the　first　time　he　opened　his　mouth　and
was　just　going　to　spread　himself　his　breath　took　a　walk。

〃I　never　see　a　man　snuffed　out　so　sudden。　　Ah；　it　was　a　great　lossa；
powerful　loss　to　this　poor　little　one…horse　town。　　Well；　well；　well；　I
hain't　got　time　to　be　palavering　along　heregot　to　nail　on　the　lid　and
mosey　along　with　him；　and　if　you'll　just　give　me　a　lift　we'll　skeet　him
into　the　hearse　and　meander　along。　　Relations　bound　to　have　it　sodon't
pay　no　attention　to　dying　injunctions；　minute　a　corpse's　gone；　but；　if　I
had　my　way；　if　I　didn't　respect　his　last　wishes　and　tow　him　behind　the
hearse　I'll　be　cuss'd。　　I　consider　that　whatever　a　corpse　wants　done　for
his　comfort　is　little　enough　matter；　and　a　man　hain't　got　no　right　to
deceive　him　or　take　advantage　of　him；　and　whatever　a　corpse　trusts　me　to
do　I'm　a…going　to　do；　you　know；　even　if　it's　to　stuff　him　and　paint　him
yaller　and　keep　him　for　a　keepsakeyou　hear　me！〃

He　cracked　his　whip　and　went　lumbering　away　with　his　ancient　ruin　of　a
hearse；　and　I　continued　my　walk　with　a　valuable　lesson　learnedthat　a
healthy　and　wholesome　cheerfulness　is　not　necessarily　impossible　to　any
occupation。　　The　lesson　is　likely　to　be　lasting；　for　it　will　take　many
months　to　obliterate　the　memory　of　the　remarks　and　circumstances　that
impressed　it。






CONCERNING　CHAMBERMAIDS

Against　all　chambermaids；　of　whatsoever　age　or　nationality；　I　launch　the
curse　of　bachelordom！　　Because：

They　always　put　the　pillows　at　the　opposite　end　of　the　bed　from　the　gas…
burner；　so　that　while　you　read　and　smoke　before　sleeping　（as　is　the
ancient　and　honored　custom　of　bachelors）；　you　have　to　hold　your　book
aloft；　in　an　uncomfortable　position；　to　keep　the　light　from　dazzling　your
eyes。

When　they　find　the　pillows　removed　to　the　other　end　of　the　bed　in　the
morning；　they　receive　not　the　suggestion　in　a　friendly　spirit；　but；
glorying　in　their　absolute　sovereignty；　and　unpitying　your　helplessness；
they　make　the　bed　just　as　it　was　originally；　and　gloat　in　secret　over　the
pang　their　tyranny　will　cause　you。

Always　after　that；　when　they　find　you　have　transposed　the　pillows；　they
undo　your　work；　and　thus　defy　and　seek　to　embitter　the　life　that　God　has
given　you。

If　they　cannot　get　the　light　in　an　inconvenient　position　any　other　way；
they　move　the　bed。

If　you　pull　your　trunk　out　six　inches　from　the　wall；　so　that　the　lid　will
stay　up　when　you　open　it；　they　always　shove　that　trunk　back　again。　　They
do　it　on　purpose。

If　you　want　the　spittoon　in　a　certain　spot；　where　it　will　be　handy；　they
don't；　and　so　they　move　it。

They　always　put　your　other　boots　into　inaccessible　places。　　They　chiefly
enjoy　depositing　them　as　far　under　the　bed　as　the　wall　will　permit。　　It
is　because　this　compels　you　to　get　down　in　an　undignified　attitude　and
make　wild　sweeps　for　them　in　the　dark　with　the　bootjack；　and　swear。

They　always　put　the　matchbox　in　some　other　place。　　They　hunt　up　a　new
place　for　it　every　day；　and　put　up　a　bottle；　or　other　perishable　glass
thing；　where　the　box　stood　before。　　This　is　to　cause　you　to　break　that
glass　thing；　groping　in　the　dark；　and　get　yourself　into　trouble。

They　are　for　ever　and　ever　moving　the　furniture。　　When　you　come　in　in　the
night　you　can　calculate　on　finding　the　bureau　where　the　wardrobe　was　in
the　morning。　　And　when　you　go　out　in　the　morning；　if　you　leave　the　slop…
bucket　by　the　door　and　rocking…chair　by　the　window；　when　you　come　in　at
midnight　or　thereabout；　you　will　fall　over　that　rocking…chair；　and　you
will　proceed　toward　the　window　and　sit　down　in　that　slop…tub。　　This　will
disgust　you。　　They　like　that。

No　matter　where　you　put　anything；　they　are　not　going　to　let　it　stay
there。　　They　will　take　it　and　move　it　the　first　chance　they　get。　　It　is
their　nature。　　And；　besides；　it　gives　them　pleasure　to　be　mean　and
contrary　this　way。　　They　would　die　if　they　couldn't　be　villains。

They　always　save　up　all　the　old　scraps　of　printed　rubbish　you　throw　on
the　floor；　and　stack　them　up　carefully　on　the　table；　and　start　the　fire
with　your　valuable　manuscripts。　　If　there　is　any　one　particular　old　scrap
that　you　are　more　down　on　than　any　other；　and　which　you　are　gradually
wearing　your　life　out　trying　to　get　rid　of；　you　may　take　all　the　pains
you　possibly　can　in　that　direction；　but　it　won't　be　of　any　use；　because
they　will　always　fetch　that　old　scrap　back　and　put　it　in　the　same　old
place　again　every　time。　　It　does　them　good。

And　they　use　up　more　hair…oil　than　any　six　men。　　If　charged　with
purloining　the　same；　they　lie　about　it。　　What　do　they　care　about　a
hereafter？　　Absolutely　nothing。

If　you　leave　the　key　in　the　door　for　convenience'　sake；　they　will　carry
it　down　to　the　office　and　give　it　to　the　clerk。　　They　do　this　under　the
vile　pretense　of　trying　to　protect　your　property　from　thieves；　but
actually　they　do　it　because　they　want　to　make　you　tramp　back　down…stairs
after　it　when　you　come　home　tired；　or　put　you　to　the　trouble　of　sending　a
waiter　for　it；　which　waiter　will　expect　you　to　pay　him　something。　　In
which　case　I　suppose　the　degraded　creatures　divide。

They　keep　always　trying　to　make　your　bed　before　you　get　up；　thus
destroying　your　rest　and　inflicting　agony　upon　you；　but　after　you　get　up；
they　don't　come　any　more　till　next　day。

They　do　all　the　mean　things　they　can　think　of；　and　they　do　them　just　out
of　pure　cussedness；　and　nothing　else。

Chambermaids　are　dead　to　every　human　instinct。

If　I　can　get　a　bill　through　the　legislature　abolishing　chambermaids；　I
mean　to　do　it。






AURELIA'S　UNFORTUNATE　YOUNG　MAN　＇Written　about　1865。＇

The　facts　in　the　following　case　came　to　me　by　letter　from　a　young　lady
who　lives　in　the　beautiful　city　of　San　Jose；　she　is　perfectly　unknown　to
me；　and　simply　signs　herself　〃Aurelia　Maria；〃　which　may　possibly　be　a
fictitious　name。　　But　no　matter；　the　poor　girl　is　almost　heartbroken　by
the　misfortunes　she　has　undergone；　and　so　confused　by　the　conflicting
counsels　of　misguided　friends　and　insidious　enemies　that　she　does　not
know　what　course　to　pursue　in　order　to　extricate　herself　from　the　web　of
difficulties　in　which　she　seems　almost　hopelessly　involved。　　In　this
dilemma　she　turns　to　me　for　help；　and　supplicates　for　my　guidance　and
instruction　with　a　moving　eloquence　that　would　touch　the　heart　of　a
statue。　　Hear　her　sad　story：

She　says　that　when　she　was　sixteen　years　old　she　met　and　loved；　with　all
the　devotion　of　a　passionate　nature；　a　young　man　from　New　Jersey；　named
Williamson　Breckinridge　Caruthers；　who　was　some　six　years　her　senior。
They　were　engaged；　with　the　free　consent　of　their　friends　and　relatives；
and　for　a　time　it　seemed　as　if　their　career　was　destined　to；　be
characterized　by　an　immunity　from　sorrow　beyond　the　usual　lot　of
humanity。　　But　at　last　the　tide　of　fortune　turned；　young　Caruthers　became
infect　with　smallpox　of　the　most　virulent　type；　and　when　he　recovered
from　his　illness　his　face　was　pitted　like　a　waffle…mold；　and　his
comeliness　gone　forever。　　Aurelia　thought　to　break　off　the　engagement　at
first；　but　pity　for　her　unfortunate　lover　caused　her　to　postpone　the
marriage…day　for　a　season；　and　give　him　another　trial。

The　very　day　before　the　wedding　was　to　have　taken　place；　Breckinridge；
while　absorbed　in　watching　the　flight　of　a　balloon；　walked　into　a　well
and　fractured　one　of　his　legs；　and　it　had　to　be　taken　off　above　the　knee。
Again　Aurelia　was　moved　to　break　the　engagement；　but　again　love
triumphed；　and　she　set　the　day　forward　and　gave　him　another　chance　to
reform。

And　again　misfortune　overtook　the　unhappy　youth。　　He　lost　one　arm　by　the
premature　discharge　of　a　Fourth　of　July　cannon；　and　within　three　months
he　got　the　other　pulled　out　by　a　carding…machine。　　Aurelia's　heart　was
almost　crushed　by　these　latter　calamities。　　She　could　not　but　be　deeply
grieved　to　see　her　lover　passing　from　her　by　piecemeal；　feeling；　as　she
did；　that　he　could　not　last　forever　under　this　disastrous　process　of
reduction；　yet　knowing　of　no　way　to　stop　its　dreadful　career；　and　in　her
tearful　despair　she　almost　regretted；　like　brokers　who　hold　on　and　lose