sketches new and old-第47节

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quit　joking　a　person　when　they　get　started）；　would　call　on　him　and　ask　if
he　could　tell　them　where　they　could　get　hold　of　a　paper　with　the
Petrified　Man　in　it。　　He　could　have　accommodated　a　continent　with　them。
I　hated　…　in　those　days；　and　these　things　pacified　me　and　pleased　me。
I　could　not　have　gotten　more　real　comfort　out　of　him　without　killing　him。






MY　BLOODY　MASSACRE

The　other　burlesque　I　have　referred　to　was　my　fine　satire　upon　the
financial　expedients　of　〃cooking　dividends；〃　a　thing　which　became
shamefully　frequent　on　the　Pacific　coast　for　a　while。　　Once　more；　in　my
self…complacent　simplicity　I　felt　that　the　time　had　arrived　for　me　to
rise　up　and　be　a　reformer。　　I　put　this　reformatory　satire；　in　the　shape
of　a　fearful　〃Massacre　at　Empire　City。〃　　The　San　Francisco　papers　were
making　a　great　outcry　about　the　iniquity　of　the　Daney　Silver…Mining
Company；　whose　directors　had　declared　a　〃cooked〃　or　false　dividend；　for
the　purpose　of　increasing　the　value　of　their　stock；　so　that　they　could
sell　out　at　a　comfortable　figure；　and　then　scramble　from　under　the
tumbling　concern。　　And　while　abusing　the　Daney；　those　papers　did　not
forget　to　urge　the　public　to　get　rid　of　all　their　silver　stocks　and
invest　in；　sound　and　safe　San　Francisco　stocks；　such　as　the　Spring　Valley
Water　Company；　etc。　　But　right　at　this　unfortunate　juncture；　behold　the
Spring　Valley　cooked　a　dividend　too！　　And　so；　under　the　insidious　mask　of
an　invented　〃bloody　massacre；〃　I　stole　upon　the　public　unawares　with　my
scathing　satire　upon　the　dividend　cooking　system。　　In　about　half　a　column
of　imaginary　human　carnage　I　told　how　a　citizen　hard　murdered　his　wife
and　nine　children；　and　then　committed　suicide。　　And　I　said　slyly；　at　the
bottom；　that　the　sudden　madness　of　which　this　melancholy　massacre　was　the
result　had　been　brought　about　by　his　having　allowed　himself　to　be
persuaded　by　the　California　papers　to　sell　his　sound　and　lucrative　Nevada
silver　stocks；　and　buy　into　Spring　Valley　just　in　time　to　get　cooked
along　with　that　company's　fancy　dividend；　and　sink　every　cent　he　had　in
the　world。

Ah；　it　was　a　deep；　deep　satire；　and　most　ingeniously　contrived。　　But　I
made　the　horrible　details　so　carefully　and　conscientiously　interesting
that　the　public　devoured　them　greedily；　and　wholly　overlooked　the
following　distinctly　stated　facts；　to　wit：　The　murderer　was　perfectly
well　known　to　every　creature　in　the　land　as　a　bachelor；　and　consequently
he　could　not　murder　his　wife　and　nine　children；　he　murdered　them　〃in　his
splendid　dressed…stone　mansion　just　in　the　edge　of　the　great　pine　forest
between　Empire　City　and　Dutch　Nick's；〃　when　even　the　very　pickled　oysters
that　came　on　our　tables　knew　that　there　was　not　a　〃dressed…stone　mansion〃
in　all　Nevada　Territory；　also　that；　so　far　from　there　being　a　〃great　pine
forest　between　Empire　City　and　Dutch　Nick's；〃　there　wasn't　a　solitary
tree　within　fifteen　miles　of　either　place；　and；　finally；　it　was　patent
and　notorious　that　Empire　City　and　Dutch　Nick's　were　one　and　the　same
place；　and　contained　only　six　houses　anyhow；　and　consequently　there　could
be　no　forest　between　them；　and　on　top　of　all　these　absurdities　I　stated
that　this　diabolical　murderer；　after　inflicting　a　wound　upon　himself　that
the　reader　ought　to　have　seen　would　kill　an　elephant　in　the　twinkling　of
an　eye；　jumped　on　his　horse　and　rode　four　miles；　waving　his　wife's
reeking　scalp　in　the　air；　and　thus　performing　entered　Carson　City　with
tremendous　eclat；　and　dropped　dead　in　front　of　the　chief　saloon；　the　envy
and　admiration　of　all　beholders。

Well；　in　all　my　life　I　never　saw　anything　like　the　sensation　that　little
satire　created。　　It　was　the　talk　of　the　town；　it　was　the　talk　of　the
territory。　　Most　of　the　citizens　dropped　gently　into　it　at　breakfast；　and
they　never　finished　their　meal。　　There　was　something　about　those　minutely
faithful　details　that　was　a　sufficing　substitute　for　food。　　Few　people
that　were　able　to　read　took　food　that　morning。　　Dan　and　I　（Dan　was　my
reportorial　associate）　took　our　seats　on　either　side　of　our　customary
table　in　the　〃Eagle　Restaurant；〃　and；　as　I　unfolded　the　shred　they　used
to　call　a　napkin　in　that　establishment；　I　saw　at　the　next　table　two
stalwart　innocents　with　that　sort　of　vegetable　dandruff　sprinkled　about
their　clothing　which　was　the　sign　and　evidence　that　they　were　in　from　the
Truckee　with　a　load　of　hay。　　The　one　facing　me　had　the　morning　paper
folded　to　a　long；　narrow　strip；　and　I　knew；　without　any　telling；　that
that　strip　represented　the　column　that　contained　my　pleasant　financial
satire。　　From　the　way　he　was　excitedly　mumbling；　I　saw　that　the　heedless
son　of　a　hay…mow　was　skipping　with　all　his　might；　in　order　to　get　to　the
bloody　details　as　quickly　as　possible；　and　so　he　was　missing　the　guide…
boards　I　had　set　up　to　warn　him　that　the　whole　thing　was　a　fraud。
Presently　his　eyes　spread　wide　open；　just　as　his　jaws　swung　asunder　to
take　in　a　potato　approaching　it　on　a　fork；　the　potato　halted；　the　face
lit　up　redly；　and　the　whole　man　was　on　fire　with　excitement。　　Then　he
broke　into　a　disjointed　checking　off　of　the　particularshis　potato
cooling　in　mid…air　meantime；　and　his　mouth　making　a　reach　for　it
occasionally；　but　always　bringing　up　suddenly　against　a　new　and　still
more　direful　performance　of　my　hero。　　At　last　he　looked　his　stunned　and
rigid　comrade　impressively　in　the　face；　and　said；　with　an　expression　of
concentrated　awe：

〃Jim；　he　b'iled　his　baby；　and　he　took　the　old　'oman's　skelp。　　Cuss'd　if　I
want　any　breakfast！〃

And　he　laid　his　lingering　potato　reverently　down；　and　he　and　his　friend
departed　from　the　restaurant　empty　but　satisfied。

He　never　got　down　to　where　the　satire　part　of　it　began。　　Nobody　ever　did。
They　found　the　thrilling　particulars　sufficient。　　To　drop　in　with　a　poor
little　moral　at　the　fag…end　of　such　a　gorgeous　massacre　was　like
following　the　expiring　sun　with　a　candle　and　hope　to　attract　the　world's
attention　to　it。

The　idea　that　anybody　could　ever　take　my　massacre　for　a　genuine
occurrence　never　once　suggested　itself　to　me；　hedged　about　as　it　was　by
all　those　telltale　absurdities　and　impossibilities　concerning　the　〃great
pine　forest；〃　the　〃dressed…stone　mansion；〃　etc。　　But　I　found　out　then；
and　never　have　forgotten　since；　that　we　never　read　the　dull　explanatory
surroundings　of　marvelously　exciting　things　when　we　have　no　occasion　to
suppose　that　some　irresponsible　scribbler　is　trying　to　defraud　us；　we
skip　all　that；　and　hasten　to　revel　in　the　blood…curdling　particulars　and
be　happy。







THE　UNDERTAKER'S　CHAT

〃Now　that　corpse；〃　said　the　undertaker；　patting　the　folded　hands　of
deceased　approvingly；　was　a　brick…every　way　you　took　him　he　was　a　brick。
He　was　so　real　accommodating；　and　so　modest…like　and　simple　in　his　last
moments。　　Friends　wanted　metallic　burial…casenothing　else　would　do。
I　couldn't　get　it。　　There　warn't　going　to　be　timeanybody　could　see
that。

〃Corpse　said　never　mind；　shake　him　up　some　kind　of　a　box　he　could　stretch
out　in　comfortable；　he　warn't　particular　'bout　the　general　style　of　it。
Said　he　went　more　on　room　than　style；　anyway　in　a　last　final　container。

〃Friends　wanted　a　silver　door…plate　on　the　coffin；　signifying　who　he　was
and　wher'　he　was　from。　　Now　you　know　a　fellow　couldn't　roust　out　such　a
gaily　thing　as　that　in　a　little　country…town　like　this。　　What　did　corpse
say？

〃Corpse　said；　whitewash　his　old　canoe　and　dob　his　address　and　general
destination　onto　it　with　a　blacking…brush　and　a　stencil…plate；　'long　with
a　verse　from　some　likely　hymn　or　other；　and　pint　him　for　the　tomb；　and
mark　him　C。　O。　D。；　and　just　let　him　flicker。　　He　warn't　distressed　any
more　than　you　beon　the　contrary；　just　as　ca；'m　and　collected　as　a
hearse…horse；　said　he　judged　that　wher'　he　was　going　to　a　body　would　find
it　considerable　better　to　attract　attention　by　a　picturesque　moral
character　than　a　natty　burial…case　with　a　swell　door…plate　on　it。

〃Splendid　man；　he　was。　　I'd　druther　do　for　a　corpse　like　that　'n　any　I've
tackled　in　seven　year。　　There's　some　satisfaction　in　buryin'　a　man　like
that。　　You　feel　that　what　you're　doing　is　appreciated。　　Lord　bless　you；
so's　he　got　planted　before　he　sp'iled；　he　was　perfectly　satisfied；　said
his　relations　meant　well；　perfectly　well；　but　all　them　preparations　was
bound　to　delay　the　thing　more　or　less；　and　he　didn't　wish　to　be　kept
layin'　around。　　You　never　see　such　a　clear　head　as　what　he　hadand　so
ca；'m　and　so　cool。　　Jist　a　hunk　of　brainsthat　is　what　he　was。
Perfectly　awful。　　It　was　a　ripping　distance　from　one　end　of　that　man's
head　to　t'other。　　Often　and　over　again　he's　had　brain…fever　a…raging　in
one　place；　and　the　rest　of　the　pile　didn't　know　anything　about　itdidn't
affect　it　any　more　than　an　Injun　Insurrection　in　Arizona　affects　the
Atlantic　States。　　〃Well；　the　relations　they　wanted　a　big　funeral；　but
corpse　said　he　was　down　on　flummerydidn；'t　want　any　processionfill
the　hearse　full　of　mourners；　and　get　out　a　stern　line　and　tow　him　behind。
He　was　the　most　down　on　style　of　any　remains　I　ever　struck。　　A　beautiful；
simpleminded　creature　it　was　what　he　was；　you　can　depend　on　that。　　He　was
just　set　on　having　things　the　way　he　wanted　th