sketches new and old-第46节

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graduated　with　higher　honor　than　you　could　to…day。　　I　never　saw　anything
like　it。　　Your　observation　that　the　horse…chestnut　as　an　article　of
commerce　is　steadily　gaining　in　favor　is　simply　calculated　to　destroy
this　journal。　　I　want　you　to　throw　up　your　situation　and　go。　　I　want　no
more　holidayI　could　not　enjoy　it　if　I　had　it。　　Certainly　not　with　you
in　my　chair。　　I　would　always　stand　in　dread　of　what　you　might　be　going　to
recommend　next。　　It　makes　me　lose　all　patience　every　time　I　think　of　your
discussing　oyster…beds　under　the　head　of　'Landscape　Gardening。'　　I　want
you　to　go。　　Nothing　on　earth　could　persuade　me　to　take　another　holiday。
Oh！　why　didn't　you　tell　me　you　didn't　know　anything　about　agriculture？〃

〃Tell　you；　you　corn…stalk；　you　cabbage；　you　son　of　a　cauliflower？　　It's
the　first　time　I　ever　heard　such　an　unfeeling　remark。　　I　tell　you　I　have
been　in　the　editorial　business　going　on　fourteen　years；　and　it　is　the
first　time　I　ever　heard　of　a　man's　having　to　know　anything　in　order　to
edit　a　newspaper。　　You　turnip！　　Who　write　the　dramatic　critiques　for　the
second…rate　papers？　　Why；　a　parcel　of　promoted　shoemakers　and　apprentice
apothecaries；　who　know　just　as　much　about　good　acting　as　I　do　about　good
farming　and　no　more。　　Who　review　the　books？　　People　who　never　wrote　one。
Who　do　up　the　heavy　leaders　on　finance？　　Parties　who　have　had　the　largest
opportunities　for　knowing　nothing　about　it。　　Who　criticize　the　Indian
campaigns？　　Gentlemen　who　do　not　know　a　war…whoop　from　a　wigwam；　and　who
never　have　had　to　run　a　foot…race　with　a　tomahawk；　or　pluck　arrows　out　of
the　several　members　of　their　families　to　build　the　evening　camp…fire
with。　　Who　write　the　temperance　appeals；　and　clamor　about　the　flowing
bowl？　　Folks　who　will　never　draw　another　sober　breath　till　they　do　it　in
the　grave。　　Who　edit　the　agricultural　papers；　youyam？　　Men；　as　a
general　thing；　who　fail　in　the　poetry　line；　yellow…colored　novel　line；
sensation；　drama　line；　city…editor　line；　and　finally　fall　back　on
agriculture　as　a　temporary　reprieve　from　the　poorhouse。　　You　try　to　tell
me　anything　about　the　newspaper　business！　　Sir；　I　have　been　through　it
from　Alpha　to　Omaha；　and　I　tell　you　that　the　less　a　man　knows　the　bigger
the　noise　he　makes　and　the　higher　the　salary　he　commands。　　Heaven　knows
if　I　had　but　been　ignorant　instead　of　cultivated；　and　impudent　instead　of
diffident；　I　could　have　made　a　name　for　myself　in　this　cold；　selfish
world。　　I　take　my　leave；　sir。　　Since　I　have　been　treated　as　you　have
treated　me；　I　am　perfectly　willing　to　go。　　But　I　have　done　my　duty。　　I
have　fulfilled　my　contract　as　far　as　I　was　permitted　to　do　it。　　I　said　I
could　make　your　paper　of　interest　to　all　classesand　I　have。　　I　said　I
could　run　your　circulation　up　to　twenty　thousand　copies；　and　if　I　had　had
two　more　weeks　I'd　have　done　it。　　And　I'd　have　given　you　the　best　class
of　readers　that　ever　an　agricultural　paper　hadnot　a　farmer　in　it；　nor　a
solitary　individual　who　could　tell　a　watermelon…tree　from　a　peach…vine　to
save　his　life。　　You　are　the　loser　by　this　rupture；　not　me；　Pie…plant。
Adios。〃

I　then　left。






THE　PETRIFIED　MAN

Now；　to　show　how　really　hard　it　is　to　foist　a　moral　or　a　truth　upon　an
unsuspecting　public　through　a　burlesque　without　entirely　and　absurdly
missing　one's　mark；　I　will　here　set　down　two　experiences　of　my　own　in
this　thing。　　In　the　fall　of　1862；　in　Nevada　and　California；　the　people
got　to　running　wild　about　extraordinary　petrifactions　and　other　natural
marvels。　　One　could　scarcely　pick　up　a　paper　without　finding　in　it　one　or
two　glorified　discoveries　of　this　kind。　　The　mania　was　becoming　a　little
ridiculous。　　I　was　a　brand…new　local　editor　in　Virginia　City；　and　I　felt
called　upon　to　destroy　this　growing　evil；　we　all　have　our　benignant；
fatherly　moods　at　one　time　or　another；　I　suppose。　　I　chose　to　kill　the
petrifaction　mania　with　a　delicate；　a　very　delicate　satire。　　But　maybe　it
was　altogether　too　delicate；　for　nobody　ever　perceived　the　satire　part　of
it　at　all。　　I　put　my　scheme　in　the　shape　of　the　discovery　of　a　remarkably
petrified　man。

I　had　had　a　temporary　falling　out　with　Mr。；　the　new　coroner　and
justice　of　the　peace　of　Humboldt；　and　thought　I　might　as　well　touch　him
up　a　little　at　the　same　time　and　make　him　ridiculous；　and　thus　combine
pleasure　with　business。　　So　I　told；　in　patient；　belief…compelling　detail；
all　about　the　finding　of　a　petrified…man　at　Gravelly　Ford　（exactly　a
hundred　and　twenty　miles；　over　a　breakneck　mountain　trail　from　where　
lived）；　how　all　the　savants　of　the　immediate　neighborhood　had　been　to
examine　it　（it　was　notorious　that　there　was　not　a　living　creature　within
fifty　miles　of　there；　except　a　few　starving　Indians；　some　crippled
grasshoppers；　and　four　or　five　buzzards　out　of　meat　and　too　feeble　to　get
away）；　how　those　savants　all　pronounced　the　petrified　man　to　have　been　in
a　state　of　complete　petrifaction　for　over　ten　generations；　and　then；　with
a　seriousness　that　I　ought　to　have　been　ashamed　to　assume；　I　stated　that
as　soon　as　Mr。　heard　the　news　he　summoned　a　jury；　mounted　his　mule；
and　posted　off；　with　noble　reverence　for　official　duty；　on　that　awful
five　days'　journey；　through　alkali；　sage　brush；　peril　of　body；　and
imminent　starvation；　to　hold　an　inquest　on　this　man　that　had　been　dead
and　turned　to　everlasting　stone　for　more　than　three　hundred　years！
And　then；　my　hand　being　〃in；〃　so　to　speak；　I　went　on；　with　the　same
unflinching　gravity；　to　state　that　the　jury　returned　a　verdict　that
deceased　came　to　his　death　from　protracted　exposure。　　This　only　moved　me
to　higher　flights　of　imagination；　and　I　said　that　the　jury；　with　that
charity　so　characteristic　of　pioneers；　then　dug　a　grave；　and　were　about
to　give　the　petrified　man　Christian　burial；　when　they　found　that　for　ages
a　limestone　sediment　had　been　trickling　down　the　face　of　the　stone
against　which　he　was　sitting；　and　this　stuff　had　run　under　him　and
cemented　him　fast　to　the　〃bed…rock〃；　that　the　jury　（they　were　all　silver…
miners）　canvassed　the　difficulty　a　moment；　and　then　got　out　their　powder
and　fuse；　and　proceeded　to　drill　a　hole　under　him；　in　order　to　blast　him
from　his　position；　when　Mr。；　〃with　that　delicacy　so　characteristic　of
him；　forbade　them；　observing　that　it　would　be　little　less　than　sacrilege
to　do　such　a　thing。〃

From　beginning　to　end　the　〃Petrified　Man〃　squib　was　a　string　of　roaring
absurdities；　albeit　they　were　told　with　an　unfair　pretense　of　truth　that
even　imposed　upon　me　to　some　extent；　and　I　was　in　some　danger　of
believing　in　my　own　fraud。　　But　I　really　had　no　desire　to　deceive
anybody；　and　no　expectation　of　doing　it。　　I　depended　on　the　way　the
petrified　man　was　sitting　to　explain　to　the　public　that　he　was　a　swindle。
Yet　I　purposely　mixed　that　up　with　other　things；　hoping　to　make　it
obscureand　I　did。　　I　would　describe　the　position　of　one　foot；　and　then
say　his　right　thumb　was　against　the　side　of　his　nose；　then　talk　about　his
other　foot；　and　presently　come　back　and　say　the　fingers　of　his　right　hand
were　spread　apart；　then　talk　about　the　back　of　his　head　a　little；　and
return　and　say　the　left　thumb　was　hooked　into　the　right　little　finger；
then　ramble　off　about　something　else；　and　by　and　by　drift　back　again　and
remark　that　the　fingers　of　the　left　hand　were　spread　like　those　of　the
right。　　But　I　was　too　ingenious。　　I　mixed　it　up　rather　too　much；　and　so
all　that　description　of　the　attitude；　as　a　key　to　the　humbuggery　of　the
article；　was　entirely　lost；　for　nobody　but　me　ever　discovered　and
comprehended　the　peculiar　and　suggestive　position　of　the　petrified　man's
hands。

As　a　satire　on　the　petrifaction　mania；　or　anything　else；　my　petrified　Man
was　a　disheartening　failure；　for　everybody　received　him　in　innocent　good
faith；　and　I　was　stunned　to　see　the　creature　I　had　begotten　to　pull　down
the　wonder…business　with；　and　bring　derision　upon　it；　calmly　exalted　to
the　grand　chief　place　in　the　list　of　the　genuine　marvels　our　Nevada　had
produced。　　I　was　so　disappointed　at　the　curious　miscarriage　of　my　scheme；
that　at　first　I　was　angry；　and　did　not　like　to　think　about　it；　but　by　and
by；　when　the　exchanges　began　to　come　in　with　the　Petrified　Man　copied　and
guilelessly　glorified；　I　began　to　feel　a　soothing　secret　satisfaction；
and　as　my　gentleman's　field　of　travels　broadened；　and　by　the　exchanges　I
saw　that　he　steadily　and　implacably　penetrated　territory　after　territory；
state　after　state；　and　land　after　land；　till　he　swept　the　great　globe　and
culminated　in　sublime　and　unimpeached　legitimacy　in　the　august　London
Lancet；　my　cup　was　full；　and　I　said　I　was　glad　I　had　done　it。　　I　think
that　for　about　eleven　months；　as　nearly　as　I　can　remember；　Mr。's
daily　mail…bag　continued　to　be　swollen　by　the　addition　of　half　a　bushel
of　newspapers　hailing　from　many　climes　with　the　Petrified　Man　in　them；
marked　around　with　a　prominent　belt　of　ink。　　I　sent　them　to　him。　　I　did
it　for　spite；　not　for　fun。

He　used　to　shovel　them　into　his　back　yard　and　curse。　　And　every　day
during　all　those　months　the　miners；　his　constituents　（for　miners　never
quit　joking　a　person　when　they　get　started）；　would　call　on　him　and　ask　if
he　could　tell　them　where　they　could　get　hold　of　a　paper　with