sketches new and old-第38节

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shame；　toobut　it　appears　by　what　is　left　of　the　shroud　you　have　on　that
it　was　a　costly　one　in　its　day。　　How　did〃

A　most　ghastly　expression　began　to　develop　among　the　decayed　features　and
shriveled　integuments　of　my　guest's　face；　and　I　was　beginning　to　grow
uneasy　and　distressed；　when　he　told　me　he　was　only　working　up　a　deep；
sly　smile；　with　a　wink　in　it；　to　suggest　that　about　the　time　he　acquired
his　present　garment　a　ghost　in　a　neighboring　cemetery　missed　one。　　This
reassured　me；　but　I　begged　him　to　confine　himself　to　speech　thenceforth；
because　his　facial　expression　was　uncertain。　　Even　with　the　most
elaborate　care　it　was　liable　to　miss　fire。　　Smiling　should　especially　be
avoided。　　What　he　might　honestly　consider　a　shining　success　was　likely　to
strike　me　in　a　very　different　light。　　I　said　I　liked　to　see　a　skeleton
cheerful；　even　decorously　playful；　but　I　did　not　think　smiling　was　a
skeleton's　best　hold。

〃Yes；　friend；〃　said　the　poor　skeleton；　〃the　facts　are　just　as　I　have
given　them　to　you。　　Two　of　these　old　graveyardsthe　one　that　I　resided
in　and　one　further　along　have　been　deliberately　neglected　by　our
descendants　of　to…day　until　there　is　no　occupying　them　any　longer。　　Aside
from　the　osteological　discomfort　of　itand　that　is　no　light　matter　this
rainy　weatherthe　present　state　of　things　is　ruinous　to　property。　　We
have　got　to　move　or　be　content　to　see　our　effects　wasted　away　and　utterly
destroyed。

Now；　you　will　hardly　believe　it；　but　it　is　true；　nevertheless；　that　there
isn't　a　single　coffin　in　good　repair　among　all　my　acquaintancenow　that
is　an　absolute　fact。　　I　do　not　refer　to　low　people　who　come　in　a　pine　box
mounted　on　an　express…wagon；　but　I　am　talking　about　your　high…toned；
silver…mounted　burial…case；　your　monumental　sort；　that　travel　under　black
plumes　at　the　head　of　a　procession　and　have　choice　of　cemetery　lots
I　mean　folks　like　the　Jarvises；　and　the　Bledsoes　and　Burlings；　and　such。
They　are　all　about　ruined。　　The　most　substantial　people　in　our　set；　they
were。　　And　now　look　at　themutterly　used　up　and　poverty…stricken。　　One
of　the　Bledsoes　actually　traded　his　monument　to　a　late　barkeeper　for　some
fresh　shavings　to　put　under　his　head。　　I　tell　you　it　speaks　volumes；　for
there　is　nothing　a　corpse　takes　so　much　pride　in　as　his　monument。　　He
loves　to　read　the　inscription。　　He　comes　after　a　while　to　believe　what　it
says　himself；　and　then　you　may　see　him　sitting　on　the　fence　night　after
night　enjoying　it。　　Epitaphs　are　cheap；　and　they　do　a　poor　chap　a　world
of　good　after　he　is　dead；　especially　if　he　had　hard　luck　while　he　was
alive。　　I　wish　they　were　used　more。　　Now　I　don't　complain；　but
confidentially　I　do　think　it　was　a　little　shabby　in　my　descendants　to
give　me　nothing　but　this　old　slab　of　a　gravestoneand　all　the　more　that
there　isn't　a　compliment　on　it。　　It　used　to　have：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　'GONE　TO　HIS　JUST　REWARD'

on　it；　and　I　was　proud　when　I　first　saw　it；　but　by　and　by　I　noticed　that
whenever　an　old　friend　of　mine　came　along　he　would　hook　his　chin　on　the
railing　and　pull　a　long　face　and　read　along　down　till　he　came　to　that；
and　then　he　would　chuckle　to　himself　and　walk　off；　looking　satisfied　and
comfortable。　　So　I　scratched　it　off　to　get　rid　of　those　fools。　　But　a
dead　man　always　takes　a　deal　of　pride　in　his　monument。　　Yonder　goes　half
a　dozen　of　the　Jarvises　now；　with　the　family　monument　along。　　And
Smithers　and　some　hired　specters　went　by　with　his　awhile　ago。　　Hello；
Higgins；　good…by；　old　friend！　　That's　Meredith　Higginsdied　in　'44
belongs　to　our　set　in　the　cemeteryfine　old　familygreat…grand　mother
was　an　InjunI　am　on　the　most　familiar　terms　with　him　he　didn't　hear　me
was　the　reason　he　didn't　answer　me。　　And　I　am　sorry；　too；　because　I　would
have　liked　to　introduce　you。　　You　would　admire　him。　　He　is　the　most
disjointed；　sway…backed；　and　generally　distorted　old　skeleton　you　ever
saw；　but　he　is　full　of　fun。　　When　he　laughs　it　sounds　like　rasping　two
stones　together；　and　he　always　starts　it　off　with　a　cheery　screech　like
raking　a　nail　across　a　window…pane。　　Hey；　Jones！　　That　is　old　Columbus
Jonesshroud　cost　four　hundred　dollars　entire　trousseau；　including
monument；　twenty…seven　hundred。　　This　was　in　the　spring　of　'26。　　It　was
enormous　style　for　those　days。　　Dead　people　came　all　the　way　from　the
Alleghanies　to　see　his　thingsthe　party　that　occupied　the　grave　next　to
mine　remembers　it　well。　　Now　do　you　see　that　individual　going　along　with
a　piece　of　a　head…board　under　his　arm；　one　leg…bone　below　his　knee　gone；
and　not　a　thing　in　the　world　on？　　That　is　Barstow　Dalhousie；　and　next　to
Columbus　Jones　he　was　the　most　sumptuously　outfitted　person　that　ever
entered　our　cemetery。　　We　are　all　leaving。　　We　cannot　tolerate　the
treatment　we　are　receiving　at　the　hands　of　our　descendants。　　They　open
new　cemeteries；　but　they　leave　us　to　our　ignominy。　　They　mend　the
streets；　but　they　never　mend　anything　that　is　about　us　or　belongs　to　us。
Look　at　that　coffin　of　mineyet　I　tell　you　in　its　day　it　was　a　piece　of
furniture　that　would　have　attracted　attention　in　any　drawing…room　in　this
city。　　You　may　have　it　if　you　want　itI　can't　afford　to　repair　it。
Put　a　new　bottom　in　her；　and　part　of　a　new　top；　and　a　bit　of　fresh　lining
along　the　left　side；　and　you'll　find　her　about　as　comfortable　as　any
receptacle　of　her　species　you　ever　tried。　　No　thanks　no；　don't　mention　it
you　have　been　civil　to　me；　and　I　would　give　you　all　the　property　I　have
got　before　I　would　seem　ungrateful。　　Now　this　winding…sheet　is　a　kind　of
a　sweet　thing　in　its　way；　if　you　would　like　to　No？　　Well；　just　as　you
say；　but　I　wished　to　be　fair　and　liberal　there's　nothing　mean　about　me。
Good…by；　friend；　I　must　be　going。　　I　may　have　a　good　way　to　go　to…night
don't　know。　　I　only　know　one　thing　for　certain；　and　that　is　that　I　am
on　the　emigrant　trail　now；　and　I'll　never　sleep　in　that　crazy　old
cemetery　again。　　I　will　travel　till　I　fiend　respectable　quarters；　if　I
have　to　hoof　it　to　New　Jersey。　　All　the　boys　are　going。　　It　was　decided
in　public　conclave；　last　night；　to　emigrate；　and　by　the　time　the　sun
rises　there　won't　be　a　bone　left　in　our　old　habitations。　　Such　cemeteries
may　suit　my　surviving　friends；　but　they　do　not　suit　the　remains　that　have
the　honor　to　make　these　remarks。　　My　opinion　is　the　general　opinion。
If　you　doubt　it；　go　and　see　how　the　departing　ghosts　upset　things　before
they　started。　　They　were　almost　riotous　in　their　demonstrations　of
distaste。　　Hello；　here　are　some　of　the　Bledsoes；　and　if　you　will　give　me
a　lift　with　this　tombstone　I　guess　I　will　join　company　and　jog　along　with
themmighty　respectable　old　family；　the　Bledsoes；　and　used　to　always
come　out　in　six…horse　hearses　and　all　that　sort　of　thing　fifty　years　ago
when　I　walked　these　streets　in　daylight。　　Good…by；　friend。〃

And　with　his　gravestone　on　his　shoulder　he　joined　the　grisly　procession；
dragging　his　damaged　coffin　after　him；　for　notwithstanding　he　pressed　it
upon　me　so　earnestly；　I　utterly　refused　his　hospitality。　　I　suppose　that
for　as　much　as　two　hours　these　sad　outcasts　went　clacking　by；　laden　with
their　dismal　effects；　and　all　that　time　I　sat　pitying　them。　　One　or　two
of　the　youngest　and　least　dilapidated　among　them　inquired　about　midnight
trains　on　the　railways；　but　the　rest　seemed　unacquainted　with　that　mode
of　travel；　and　merely　asked　about　common　public　roads　to　various　towns
and　cities；　some　of　which　are　not　on　the　map　now；；　and　vanished　from　it
and　from　the　earth　as　much　as　thirty　years　ago；　and　some　few　of　them
never　had　existed　anywhere　but　on　maps；　and　private　ones　in　real…estate
agencies　at　that。　　And　they　asked　about　the　condition　of　the　cemeteries
in　these　towns　and　cities；　and　about　the　reputation　the　citizens　bore　as
to　reverence　for　the　dead。

This　whole　matter　interested　me　deeply；　and　likewise　compelled　my
sympathy　for　these　homeless　ones。　　And　it　all　seeming　real；　and　I　not
knowing　it　was　a　dream；　I　mentioned　to　one　shrouded　wanderer　an　idea　that
had　entered　my　head　to　publish　an　account　of　this　curious　and　very
sorrowful　exodus；　but　said　also　that　I　could　not　describe　it　truthfully；
and　just　as　it　occurred；　without　seeming　to　trifle　with　a　grave　subject
and　exhibit　an　irreverence　for　the　dead　that　would　shock　and　distress
their　surviving　friends。　　But　this　bland　and　stately　remnant　of　a　former
citizen　leaned　him　far　over　my　gate　and　whispered　in　my　ear；　and　said：

〃Do　not　let　that　disturb　you。　　The　community　that　can　stand　such
graveyards　as　those　we　are　emigrating　from　can　stand　anything　a　body　can
say　about　the　neglected　and　forsaken　dead　that　lie　in　them。〃

At　that　very　moment　a　cock　crowed；　and　the　weird　procession　vanished　and
left　not　a　shred　or　a　bone　behind。　　I　awoke；　and　found　myself　lying　with
my　head　out　of　the　bed　and　〃sagging〃　downward　considerablya　position
favorable　to　dreaming　dreams　with　morals　in　them；　maybe；　but　not　poetry。

NOTE。The　reader　is　assured　that　if　the　cemeteries　in　his　town　are　kept
in　good　order；　this　Dream　is　not　leveled　at　his　town　at　all；　but　is
leveled　particularly　and　venomously　at　the　next　town。






A　TRUE　STORY

REPEATED　WORD　FOR　WORD　AS　I　HEARD　IT　＇Written　about　1876＇

It　was　summer…time；　and　twilight。　　W