sketches new and old-第34节

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and　for　an　uncrowned　woman　to　sit　in　the　ducal　chair　was　death！　　At　one
and　the　same　moment；　he　and　his　grim　old　father　swooned　and　fell　to；　the
ground。

＇The　remainder　of　this　thrilling　and　eventful　story　will　NOT　be　found　in
this　or　any　other　publication；　either　now　or　at　any　future　time。＇

The　truth　is；　I　have　got　my　hero　（or　heroine）　into　such　a　particularly
close　place；　that　I　do　not　see　how　I　am　ever　going　to　get　him　（or　her）
out　of　it　againand　therefore　I　will　wash　my　hands　of　the　whole
business；　and　leave　that　person　to　get　out　the　best　way　that　offersor
else　stay　there。　　I　thought　it　was　going　to　be　easy　enough　to　straighten
out　that　little　difficulty；　but　it　looks　different　now。






PETITION　CONCERNING　COPYRIGHT

TO　THE　HONORABLE　THE　SENATE　AND　HOUSE　OF　REPRESENTATIVES
IN　CONGRESS　ASSEMBLED：

Whereas；　The　Constitution　guarantees　equal　rights　to　all；　backed　by　the
Declaration　of　Independence；　and

Whereas；　Under　our　laws；　the　right　of　property　in　real　estate　is
perpetual；　and

Whereas；　Under　our　laws；　the　right　of　property　in　the　literary　result　of
a　citizen's　intellectual　labor　is　restricted　to　forty…two　years；　and

Whereas；　Forty…two　years　seems　an　exceedingly　just　and　righteous　term；
and　a　sufficiently　long　one　for　the　retention　of　property；

Therefore；　Your　petitioner；　having　the　good　of　his　country　solely　at
heart；　humbly　prays　that　〃equal　rights〃　and　fair　and　equal　treatment　may
be　meted　out　to　all　citizens；　by　the　restriction　of　rights　in　all
property；　real　estate　included；　to　the　beneficent　term　of　forty…two
years。　　Then　shall　all　men　bless　your　honorable　body　and　be　happy。　　And
for　this　will　your　petitioner　ever　pray。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　MARK　TWAIN。


A　PARAGRAPH　NOT　ADDED　TO　THE　PETITION

The　charming　absurdity　of　restricting　property…rights　in　books　to
forty…two　years　sticks　prominently　out　in　the　fact　that　hardly　any　man's
books　ever　live　forty…two　years；　or　even　the　half　of　it；　and　so；　for　the
sake　of　getting　a　shabby　advantage　of　the　heirs　of　about　one　Scott　or
Burns　or　Milton　in　a　hundred　years；　the　lawmakers　of　the　〃Great〃　Republic
are　content　to　leave　that　poor　little　pilfering　edict　upon　the
statute…books。　　It　is　like　an　emperor　lying　in　wait　to　rob　a　Phenix's
nest；　and　waiting　the　necessary　century　to　get　the　chance。






AFTER…DINNER　SPEECH

＇AT　A　FOURTH　OF　JULY　GATHERING；　IN　LONDON；　OF　AMERICANS＇

MR。　CHAIRMAN　AND　LADIES　AND　GENTLEMEN：　I　thank　you　for　the　compliment
which　has　just　been　tendered　me；　and　to　show　my　appreciation　of　it　I　will
not　afflict　you　with　many　words。　　It　is　pleasant　to　celebrate　in　this
peaceful　way；　upon　this　old　mother　soil；　the　anniversary　of　an　experiment
which　was　born　of　war　with　this　same　land　so　long　ago；　and　wrought　out　to
a　successful　issue　by　the　devotion　of　our　ancestors。　　It　has　taken　nearly
a　hundred　years　to　bring　the　English　and　Americans　into　kindly　and
mutually　appreciative　relations；　but　I　believe　it　has　been　accomplished
at　last。　　It　was　a　great　step　when　the　two　last　misunderstandings　were
settled　by　arbitration　instead　of　cannon。　　It　is　another　great　step　when
England　adopts　our　sewing…machines　without　claiming　the　inventionas
usual。　　It　was　another　when　they　imported　one　of　our　sleeping…cars　the
other　day。　　And　it　warmed　my　heart　more　than　I　can　tell；　yesterday；　when
I　witnessed　the　spectacle　of　an　Englishman　ordering　an　American　sherry
cobbler　of　his　own　free　will　and　accordand　not　only　that　but　with　a
great　brain　and　a　level　head　reminding　the　barkeeper　not　to　forget　the
strawberries。　　With　a　common　origin；　a　common　language；　a　common
literature；　a　common　religion　andcommon　drinks；　what　is　longer　needful
to　the　cementing　of　the　two　nations　together　in　a　permanent　bond　of
brotherhood？

This　is　an　age　of　progress；　and　ours　is　a　progressive　land。　　A　great　and
glorious　land；　tooa　land　which　has　developed　a　Washington；　a　Franklin；
a　William　M。　Tweed；　a　Longfellow；　a　Motley；　a　Jay　Gould；　a　Samuel　C。
Pomeroy；　a　recent　Congress　which　has　never　had　its　equal　（in　some
respects）；　and　a　United　States　Army　which　conquered　sixty　Indians　in
eight　months　by　tiring　them　outwhich　is　much　better　than　uncivilized
slaughter；　God　knows。　　We　have　a　criminal　jury　system　which　is　superior
to　any　in　the　world；　and　its　efficiency　is　only　marred　by　the　difficulty
of　finding　twelve　men　every　day　who　don't　know　anything　and　can't　read。
And　I　may　observe　that　we　have　an　insanity　plea　that　would　have　saved
Cain。　　I　think　I　can　say；and　say　with　pride；　that　we　have　some
legislatures　that　bring　higher　prices　than　any　in　the　world。

I　refer　with　effusion　to　our　railway　system；　which　consents　to　let　us
live；　though　it　might　do　the　opposite；　being　our　owners。　　It　only
destroyed　three　thousand　and　seventy　lives　last　year　by　collisions；　and
twenty…seven　thousand　two　hundred　and　sixty　by　running　over　heedless　and
unnecessary　people　at　crossings。　　The　companies　seriously　regretted　the
killing　of　these　thirty　thousand　people；　and　went　so　far　as　to　pay　for
some　of　themvoluntarily；　of　course；　for　the　meanest　of　us　would　not
claim　that　we　possess　a　court　treacherous　enough　to　enforce　a　law　against
a　railway　company。　　But；　thank　Heaven；　the　railway　companies　are
generally　disposed　to　do　the　right　and　kindly　thing　without　compulsion。
I　know　of　an　instance　which　greatly　touched　me　at　the　time。　　After　an
accident　the　company　sent　home　the　remains　of　a　dear　distant　old　relative
of　mine　in　a　basket；　with　the　remark；　〃Please　state　what　figure　you　hold
him　atand　return　the　basket。〃　　Now　there　couldn't　be　anything
friendlier　than　that。

But　I　must　not　stand　here　and　brag　all　night。　　However；　you　won't　mind　a
body　bragging　a　little　about　his　country　on　the　fourth　of　July。　　It　is　a
fair　and　legitimate　time　to　fly　the　eagle。　　I　will　say　only　one　more　word
of　bragand　a　hopeful　one。　　It　is　this。　　We　have　a　form　of　government
which　gives　each　man　a　fair　chance　and　no　favor。　　With　us　no　individual
is　born　with　a　right　to　look　down　upon　his　neighbor　and　hold　him　in
contempt。　　Let　such　of　us　as　are　not　dukes　find　our　consolation　in　that。
And　we　may　find　hope　for　the　future　in　the　fact　that　as　unhappy　as　is　the
condition　of　our　political　morality　to…day；　England　has　risen　up　out　of
a　far　fouler　since　the　days　when　Charles　I。　ennobled　courtesans　and　all
political　place　was　a　matter　of　bargain　and　sale。　　There　is　hope　for　us
yet。

　　　　　＇At　least　the　above　is　the　speech　which　I　was　going　to　make；　but　our
　　　　　minister；　General　Schenck；　presided；　and　after　the　blessing；　got　up
　　　　　and　made　a　great　long　inconceivably　dull　harangue；　and　wound　up　by
　　　　　saying　that　inasmuch　as　speech…making　did　not　seem　to　exhilarate　the
　　　　　guests　much；　all　further　oratory　would　be　dispensed　with　during　the
　　　　　evening；　and　we　could　just　sit　and　talk　privately　to　our　elbow…
　　　　　neighbors　and　have　a　good　sociable　time。　　It　is　known　that　in
　　　　　consequence　of　that　remark　forty…four　perfected　speeches　died　in　the
　　　　　womb。　　The　depression；　the　gloom；　the　solemnity　that　reigned　over
　　　　　the　banquet　from　that　time　forth　will　be　a　lasting　memory　with　many
　　　　　that　were　there。　　By　that　one　thoughtless　remark　General　Schenck
　　　　　lost　forty…four　of　the　best　friends　he　had　in　England。　　More　than
　　　　　one　said　that　night；　〃And　this　is　the　sort　of　person　that　is　sent　to
　　　　　represent　us　in　a　great　sister　empire！〃＇






LIONIZING　MURDERERS

I　had　heard　so　much　about　the　celebrated　fortune…teller　Madame…；　that
I　went　to　see　her　yesterday。　　She　has　a　dark　complexion　naturally；　and
this　effect　is　heightened　by　artificial　aids　which　cost　her　nothing。
She　wears　curlsvery　black　ones；　and　I　had　an　impression　that　she　gave
their　native　attractiveness　a　lift　with　rancid　butter。　　She　wears　a
reddish　check　handkerchief；　cast　loosely　around　her　neck；　and　it　was
plain　that　her　other　one　is　slow　getting　back　from　the　wash。　　I　presume
she　takes　snuff。　　At　any　rate；　something　resembling　it　had　lodged　among
the　hairs　sprouting　from　her　upper　lip。　　I　know　she　likes　garlicI　knew
that　as　soon　as　she　sighed。　　She　looked　at　me　searchingly　for　nearly　a
minute；　with　her　black　eyes；　and　then　said：

〃It　is　enough。　　Come！〃

She　started　down　a　very　dark　and　dismal　corridorI　stepping　close　after
her。　　Presently　she　stopped；　and　said　that；　as　the　way　was　so　crooked　and
dark；　perhaps　she　had　better　get　a　light。　　But　it　seemed　ungallant　to
allow　a　woman　to　put　herself　to　so　much　trouble　for　me；　and　so　I　said：

〃It　is　not　worth　while；　madam。　　If　you　will　heave　another　sigh；　I　think　I
can　follow　it。〃

So　we　got　along　all　right。　　Arrived　at　her　official　and　mysterious　den；
she　asked　me　to　tell　her　the　date　of　my　birth；　the　exact　hour　of　that
occurrence；　and　the　color　of　my　grandmother's　hair。　　I　answered　as
accurately　as　I　could。　　Then　she　said：

〃Young　man；　summon　your　fortitudedo　not　tremble。　　I　am　about　to　reveal
the　past。〃

〃Information　concerning　the　future　would　be；　in　a　general　way；　more〃

〃Silence！　　You　have　had　much　trouble；　some　joy；　some　good　fortune；　some
bad。　　Your　great　grandfather　was　hanged。〃

〃That　is　a　l〃

〃Silence！　　Hanged　sir。　　But　it　was　not　his　fault。