sketches new and old-第31节

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enough　to　have；　though　not　necessary；　because　the　inhabitants　point　out
the　two　birthplaces　to　the　stranger　anyhow；　and　sometimes　as　often　as
several　times　in　the　same　day。　　The　subject　of　this　memoir　was　of　a
vicious　disposition；　and　early　prostituted　his　talents　to　the　invention
of　maxims　and　aphorisms　calculated　to　inflict　suffering　upon　the　rising
generation　of　all　subsequent　ages。　　His　simplest　acts；　also；　were
contrived　with　a　view　to　their　being　held　up　for　the　emulation　of　boys
foreverboys　who　might　otherwise　have　been　happy。　　It　was　in　this　spirit
that　he　became　the　son　of　a　soap…boiler；　and　probably　for　no　other　reason
than　that　the　efforts　of　all　future　boys　who　tried　to　be　anything　might
be　looked　upon　with　suspicion　unless　they　were　the　sons　of　soap…boilers。
With　a　malevolence　which　is　without　parallel　in　history；　he　would　work
all　day；　and　then　sit　up　nights；　and　let　on　to　be　studying　algebra　by　the
light　of　a　smoldering　fire；　so　that　all　other　boys　might　have　to　do　that
also；　or　else　have　Benjamin　Franklin　thrown　up　to　them。　　Not　satisfied
with　these　proceedings；　he　had　a　fashion　of　living　wholly　on　bread　and
water；　and　studying　astronomy　at　meal…timea　thing　which　has　brought
affliction　to　millions　of　boys　since；　whose　fathers　had　read　Franklin's
pernicious　biography。

His　maxims　were　full　of　animosity　toward　boys。　　Nowadays　a　boy　cannot
follow　out　a　single　natural　instinct　without　tumbling　over　some　of　those
everlasting　aphorisms　and　hearing　from　Franklin；　on　the　spot。　　If　he　buys
two　cents'　worth　of　peanuts；　his　father　says；　〃Remember　what　Franklin　has
said；　my　son'A　grout　a　day's　a　penny　a　year〃'；　and　the　comfort　is　all
gone　out　of　those　peanuts。　　If　he　wants　to　spin　his　top　when　he　has　done
work；　his　father　quotes；　〃Procrastination　is　the　thief　of　time。〃　　If　he
does　a　virtuous　action；　he　never　gets　anything　for　it；　because　〃Virtue　is
its　own　reward。〃　　And　that　boy　is　hounded　to　death　and　robbed　of　his
natural　rest；　because　Franklin；　said　once；　in　one　of　his　inspired　flights
of　malignity：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Early　to　bed　and　early　to　rise
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Makes　a　man　healthy　and　wealthy　and　wise。

As　if　it　were　any　object　to　a　boy　to　be　healthy　and　wealthy　and　wise　on
such　terms。　　The　sorrow　that　that　maxim　has　cost　me；　through　my　parents；
experimenting　on　me　with　it；　tongue　cannot　tell。　The　legitimate　result　is
my　present　state　of　general　debility；　indigence；　and　mental　aberration。
My　parents　used　to　have　me　up　before　nine　o'clock　in　the　morning
sometimes　when　I　was　a　boy。　　If　they　had　let　me　take　my　natural　rest
where　would　I　have　been　now？　　Keeping　store；　no　doubt；　and　respected　by
all。

And　what　an　adroit　old　adventurer　the　subject　of　this　memoir　was！
In　order　to　get　a　chance　to　fly　his　kite　on　Sunday　he　used　to　hang　a　key
on　the　string　and　let　on　to　be　fishing　for　lightning。　　And　a　guileless
public　would　go　home　chirping　about　the　〃wisdom〃　and　the　〃genius〃　of　the
hoary　Sabbath…breaker。　　If　anybody　caught　him　playing　〃mumblepeg〃　by
himself；　after　the　age　of　sixty；　he　would　immediately　appear　to　be
ciphering　out　how　the　grass　grewas　if　it　was　any　of　his　business。
My　grandfather　knew　him　well；　and　he　says　Franklin　was　always
fixedalways　ready。　　If　a　body；　during　his　old　age；　happened　on　him
unexpectedly　when　he　was　catching　flies；　or　making　mud…pies；　or　sliding
on　a　cellar　door；　he　would　immediately　look　wise；　and　rip　out　a　maxim；
and　walk　off　with　his　nose　in　the　air　and　his　cap　turned　wrong　side
before；　trying　to　appear　absent…minded　and　eccentric。　　He　was　a　hard　lot。

He　invented　a　stove　that　would　smoke　your　head　off　in　four　hours　by　the
clock。　　One　can　see　the　almost　devilish　satisfaction　he　took　in　it　by　his
giving　it　his　name。

He　was　always　proud　of　telling　how　he　entered　Philadelphia　for　the　first
time；　with　nothing　in　the　world　but　two　shillings　in　his　pocket　and　four
rolls　of　bread　under　his　arm。　　But　really；　when　you　come　to　examine　it
critically；　it　was　nothing。　　Anybody　could　have　done　it。

To　the　subject　of　this　memoir　belongs　the　honor　of　recommending　the　army
to　go　back　to　bows　and　arrows　in　place　of　bayonets　and　muskets。
He　observed；　with　his　customary　force；　that　the　bayonet　was　very　well
under　some　circumstances；　but　that　he　doubted　whether　it　could　be　used
with　accuracy　at　a　long　range。

Benjamin　Franklin　did　a　great　many　notable　things　for　his　country；
and　made　her　young　name　to　be　honored　in　many　lands　as　the　mother　of　such
a　son。　　It　is　not　the　idea　of　this　memoir　to　ignore　that　or　cover　it　up。
No；　the　simple　idea　of　it　is　to　snub　those　pretentious　maxims　of　his；
which　he　worked　up　with　a　great　show　of　originality　out　of　truisms　that
had　become　wearisome　platitudes　as　early　as　the　dispersion　from　Babel；
and　also　to　snub　his　stove；　and　his　military　inspirations；　his　unseemly
endeavor　to　make　himself　conspicuous　when　he　entered　Philadelphia；　and
his　flying　his　kite　and　fooling　away　his　time　in　all　sorts　of　such　ways
when　he　ought　to　have　been　foraging　for　soap…fat；　or　constructing
candles。　　I　merely　desired　to　do　away　with　somewhat　of　the　prevalent
calamitous　idea　among　heads　of　families　that　Franklin　acquired　his　great
genius　by　working　for　nothing；　studying　by　moonlight；　and　getting　up　in
the　night　instead　of　waiting　till　morning　like　a　Christian；　and　that　this
program；　rigidly　inflicted；　will　make　a　Franklin　of　every　father's　fool。
It　is　time　these　gentlemen　were　finding　out　that　these　execrable
eccentricities　of　instinct　and　conduct　are　only　the　evidences　of　genius；
not　the　creators　of　it。　　I　wish　I　had　been　the　father　of　my　parents　long
enough　to　make　them　comprehend　this　truth；　and　thus　prepare　them　to　let
their　son　have　an　easier　time　of　it。　　When　I　was　a　child　I　had　to　boil
soap；　notwithstanding　my　father　was　wealthy；　and　I　had　to　get　up　early
and　study　geometry　at　breakfast；　and　peddle　my　own　poetry；　and　do
everything　just　as　Franklin　did；　in　the　solemn　hope　that　I　would　be　a
Franklin　some　day。　　And　here　I　am。






MR。　BLOKE'S　ITEM　＇Written　about　1865。＇

Our　esteemed　friend；　Mr。　John　William　Bloke；　of　Virginia　City；　walked
into　the　office　where　we　are　sub…editor　at　a　late　hour　last　night；　with
an　expression　of　profound　and　heartfelt　suffering　upon　his　countenance；
and；　sighing　heavily；　laid　the　following　item　reverently　upon　the　desk；
and　walked　slowly　out　again。　　He　paused　a　moment　at　the　door；　and　seemed
struggling　to　command　his　feelings　sufficiently　to　enable　him　to　speak；
and　then；　nodding　his　head　toward　his　manuscript；　ejaculated　in　a　broken
voice；　〃Friend　of　mineoh！　how　sad！〃　and　burst　into　tears。　　We　were　so
moved　at　his　distress　that　we　did　not　think　to　call　him　back　and　endeavor
to　comfort　him　until　he　was　gone；　and　it　was　too　late。　　The　paper　had
already　gone　to　press；　but　knowing　that　our　friend　would　consider　the
publication　of　this　item　important；　and　cherishing　the　hope　that　to　print
it　would　afford　a　melancholy　satisfaction　to　his　sorrowing　heart；　we
stopped；　the　press　at　once　and　inserted　it　in　our　columns：

　　　　　DISTRESSING　ACCIDENT。Last　evening；　about　six　o'clock；　as　Mr。
　　　　　William　Schuyler；　an　old　and　respectable　citizen　of　South　Park；　was
　　　　　leaving　his　residence　to　go　down…town；　as　has　been　his　usual　custom
　　　　　for　many　years　with　the　exception　only　of　a　short　interval　in　the
　　　　　spring　of　1850；　during　which　he　was　confined　to　his　bed　by　injuries
　　　　　received　in　attempting　to　stop　a　runaway　horse　by　thoughtlessly
　　　　　placing　himself　directly　in　its　wake　and　throwing　up　his　hands　and
　　　　　shouting；　which　if　he　had　done　so　even　a　single　moment　sooner；　must
　　　　　inevitably　have　frightened　the　animal　still　more　instead　of　checking
　　　　　its　speed；　although　disastrous　enough　to　himself　as　it　was；　and
　　　　　rendered　more　melancholy　and　distressing　by　reason　of　the　presence
　　　　　of　his　wife's　mother；　who　was　there　and　saw　the　sad　occurrence
　　　　　notwithstanding　it　is　at　least　likely；　though　not　necessarily　so；
　　　　　that　she　should　be　reconnoitering　in　another　direction　when
　　　　　incidents　occur；　not　being　vivacious　and　on　the　lookout；　as　a
　　　　　general　thing；　but　even　the　reverse；　as　her　own　mother　is　said　to
　　　　　have　stated；　who　is　no　more；　but　died　in　the　full　hope　of　a　glorious
　　　　　resurrection；　upwards　of　three　years　ago；　aged　eighty…six；　being　a
　　　　　Christian　woman　and　without　guile；　as　it　were；　or　property；　in
　　　　　consequence　of　the　fire　of　1849；　which　destroyed　every　single　thing
　　　　　she　had　in　the　world。　　But　such　is　life。　　Let　us　all　take　warning　by
　　　　　this　solemn　occurrence；　and　let　us　endeavor　so　to　conduct　ourselves
　　　　　that　when　we　come　to　die　we　can　do　it。　　Let　us　place　our　hands　upon
　　　　　our　heart；　and　say　with　earnestness　and　sincerity　that　from　this　day
　　　　　forth　we　will　beware　of　the　intoxicating　bowl。'First　Edition　of
　　　　　the　Californian。'

The　head　editor　has　been　in　here　raising　the　mischief；　and　tearing　his
hair　and　kicking　the　furniture　about；　and　abusing　me　like　a　pickpocket。
He　says　that　every　time　he　leaves　me　in　charge　of　the　paper　for　half　an
hour　I　get　imposed　upon　by　the　first　infant　or　the　first　idiot　that　comes
along。　　And　he　says　that　that　distressing　item　of　Mr。　Bloke's　is　nothin