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wise…drawn　theories；　since　as　far　as　he　was　concerned　he　was　content　to
be　of　the　old　first　families　and　proud　to　point　back　to　his　place　among
the　old　original　aristocracy　of　the　land。

〃Enjoy　your　mushroom　dignity；　stinking　of　the　varnish　of　yesterday's
veneering；　since　you　like　it；〃　said　he；　〃suffice　it　for　the　Tumble…Bugs
that　they　come　of　a　race　that　rolled　their　fragrant　spheres　down　the
solemn　aisles　of　antiquity；　and　left　their　imperishable　works　embalmed　in
the　Old　Red　Sandstone　to　proclaim　it　to　the　wasting　centuries　as　they
file　along　the　highway　of　Time！〃

〃Oh；　take　a　walk！〃　said　the　chief　of　the　eKpedition；　with　derision。

The　summer　passed；　and　winter　approached。　　In　and　about　many　of　the
caverns　were　what　seemed　to　be　inscriptions。　　Most　of　the　scientists　said
they　were　inscriptions；　a　few　said　they　were　not。　　The　chief　philologist；
Professor　Woodlouse；　maintained　that　they　were　writings；　done　in　a
character　utterly　unknown　to　scholars；　and　in　a　language　equally　unknown。
He　had　early　ordered　his　artists　and　draftsmen　to　make　facsimiles　of　all
that　were　discovered；　and　had　set　himself　about　finding　the　key　to　the
hidden　tongue。　　In　this　work　he　had　followed　the　method　which　had　always
been　used　by　decipherers　previously。　　That　is　to　say；　he　placed　a　number
of　copies　of　inscriptions　before　him　and　studied　them　both　collectively
and　in　detail。　　To　begin　with；　he　placed　the　following　copies　together：

　　　　　THE　AMERICAN　HOTEL。　　　　　　MEALS　AT　ALL　HOURS。
　　　　　THE　SHADES。　　　　　　　　　　　　　　NO　SMOKING。
　　　　　BOATS　FOR　HIRE　CHEAP　　　　　UNION　PRAYER　MEETING；　6　P。M。
　　　　　BILLIARDS。　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　THE　WATERSIDE　JOURNAL。
　　　　　THE　A1　BARBER　SHOP。　　　　　　TELEGRAPH　OFFICE。
　　　　　KEEP　OFF　THE　GRASS。　　　　　　TRY　BRANDRETH'S　PILLS。
　　　　　COTTAGES　FOR　RENT　DURING　THE　WATERING　SEASON。
　　　　　FOR　SALE　CHEAP。　　　　　　　　　　FOR　SALE　CHEAP。
　　　　　FOR　SALE　CHEAP。　　　　　　　　　　FOR　SALE　CHEAP。

At　first　it　seemed　to　the　professor　that　this　was　a　sign…language；　and
that　each　word　was　represented　by　a　distinct　sign；　further　examination
convinced　him　that　it　was　a　written　language；　and　that　every　letter　of
its　alphabet　was　represented　by　a　character　of　its　own；　and　finally　he
decided　that　it　was　a　language　which　conveyed　itself　partly　by　letters；
and　partly　by　signs　or　hieroglyphics。　　This　conclusion　was　forced　upon
him　by　the　discovery　of　several　specimens　of　the　following　nature：

He　observed　that　certain　inscriptions　were　met　with　in　greater　frequency
than　others。　　Such　as　〃FOR　SALE　CHEAP〃；　〃BILLIARDS〃；　〃S。　T。1860X〃；
〃KENO〃；　〃ALE　ON　DRAUGHT。〃　　Naturally；　then；　these　must　be　religious
maxims。　　But　this　idea　was　cast　aside　by　and　by；　as　the　mystery　of　the
strange　alphabet　began　to　clear　itself。　　In　time；　the　professor　was
enabled　to　translate　several　of　the　inscriptions　with　considerable
plausibility；　though　not　to　the　perfect　satisfaction　of　all　the　scholars。
Still；　he　made　constant　and　encouraging　progress。

Finally　a　cavern　was　discovered　with　these　inscriptions　upon　it：

　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　WATERSIDE　MUSEUM。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Open　at　All　Hours。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　Admission　50　cents。
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　WONDERFUL　COLLECTION　OF
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　WAX…WORKS；　ANCIENT　FOSSILS；
　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　　ETC。

Professor　Woodlouse　affirmed　that　the　word　〃Museum〃　was　equivalent　to　the
phrase　〃lumgath　molo；〃　or　〃Burial　Place。〃　　Upon　entering；　the　scientists
were　well　astonished。　　But　what　they　saw　may　be　best　conveyed　in　the
language　of　their　own　official　report：

〃Erect；　in　a　row；　were　a　sort　of　rigid　great　figures　which　struck　us
instantly　as　belonging　to　the　long　extinct　species　of　reptile　called　MAN；
described　in　our　ancient　records。　　This　was　a　peculiarly　gratifying
discovery；　because　of　late　times　it　has　become　fashionable　to　regard　this
creature　as　a　myth　and　a　superstition；　a　work　of　the　inventive
imaginations　of　our　remote　ancestors。　　But　here；　indeed；　was　Man；
perfectly　preserved；　in　a　fossil　state。　　And　this　was　his　burial　place；
as　already　ascertained　by　the　inscription。　　And　now　it　began　to　be
suspected　that　the　caverns　we　had　been　inspecting　had　been　his　ancient
haunts　in　that　old　time　that　he　roamed　the　earthfor　upon　the　breast　of
each　of　these　tall　fossils　was　an　inscription　in　the　character　heretofore
noticed。　　One　read；　'CAPTAIN　KIDD　THE　PIRATE'；　another；　'QUEEN　VICTORIA'；
another；　'ABE　LINCOLN'；　another；　'GEORGE　WASHINGTON；'　etc。

〃With　feverish　interest　we　called　for　our　ancient　scientific　records　to
discover　if　perchance　the　description　of　Man　there　set　down　would　tally
with　the　fossils　before　us。　　Professor　Woodlouse　read　it　aloud　in　its
quaint　and　musty　phraseology；　to　wit：

〃'In　ye　time　of　our　fathers　Man　still　walked　ye　earth；　as　by　tradition　we
know。　　It　was　a　creature　of　exceeding　great　size；　being　compassed　about
with　a　loose　skin；　sometimes　of　one　color；　sometimes　of　many；　the　which
it　was　able　to　cast　at　will；　which　being　done；　the　hind　legs　were
discovered　to　be　armed　with　short　claws　like　to　a　mole's　but　broader；　and
ye　forelegs　with　fingers　of　a　curious　slimness　and　a　length　much　more
prodigious　than　a　frog's；　armed　also　with　broad　talons　for　scratching　in
ye　earth　for　its　food。　　It　had　a　sort　of　feathers　upon　its　head　such　as
hath　a　rat；　but　longer；　and　a　beak　suitable　for　seeking　its　food　by　ye
smell　thereof。　　When　it　was　stirred　with　happiness；　it　leaked　water　from
its　eyes；　and　when　it　suffered　or　was　sad；　it　manifested　it　with　a
horrible　hellish　cackling　clamor　that　was　exceeding　dreadful　to　hear　and
made　one　long　that　it　might　rend　itself　and　perish；　and　so　end　its
troubles。　　Two　Mans　being　together；　they　uttered　noises　at　each　other
like　this：　〃Haw…haw…hawdam　good；　dam　good；〃　together　with　other　sounds
of　more　or　less　likeness　to　these；　wherefore　ye　poets　conceived　that　they
talked；　but　poets　be　always　ready　to　catch　at　any　frantic　folly；　God　he
knows。　　Sometimes　this　creature　goeth　about　with　a　long　stick　ye　which　it
putteth　to　its　face　and　bloweth　fire　and　smoke　through　ye　same　with　a
sudden　and　most　damnable　bruit　and　noise　that　doth　fright　its　prey　to
death；　and　so　seizeth　it　in　its　talons　and　walketh　away　to　its　habitat；
consumed　with　a　most　fierce　and　devilish　joy。'

〃Now　was　the　description　set　forth　by　our　ancestors　wonderfully　indorsed
and　confirmed　by　the　fossils　before　us；　as　shall　be　seen。　　The　specimen
marked　'Captain　Kidd'　was　examined　in　detail。　　Upon　its　head　and　part　of
its　face　was　a　sort　of　fur　like　that　upon　the　tail　of　a　horse。　　With
great　labor　its　loose　skin　was　removed；　whereupon　its　body　was　discovered
to　be　of　a　polished　white　texture；　thoroughly　petrified。　　The　straw　it
had　eaten；　so　many　ages　gone　by；　was　still　in　its　body；　undigestedand
even　in　its　legs。

〃Surrounding　these　fossils　were　objects　that　would　mean　nothing　to　the
ignorant；　but　to　the　eye　of　science　they　were　a　revelation。　　They　laid
bare　the　secrets　of　dead　ages。　　These　musty　Memorials　told　us　when　Man
lived；　and　what　were　his　habits。　　For　here；　side　by　side　with　Man；　were
the　evidences　that　he　had　lived　in　the　earliest　ages　of　creation；　the
companion　of　the　other　low　orders　of　life　that　belonged　to　that　forgotten
time。　　Here　was　the　fossil　nautilus　that　sailed　the　primeval　seas；　here
was　the　skeleton　of　the　mastodon；　the　ichthyosaurus；　the　cave…bear；　the
prodigious　elk。　　Here；　also；　were　the　charred　bones　of　some　of　these
extinct　animals　and　of　the　young　of　Man's　own　species；　split　lengthwise；
showing　that　to　his　taste　the　marrow　was　a　toothsome　luxury。　　It　was
plain　that　Man　had　robbed　those　bones　of　their　contents；　since　no　tooth…
mark　of　any　beast　was　upon　them　albeit　the　Tumble…Bug　intruded　the　remark
that　'no　beast　could　mark　a　bone　with　its　teeth；　anyway。'　　Here　were
proofs　that　Man　had　vague；　groveling　notions　of　art；　for　this　fact　was
conveyed　by　certain　things　marked　with　the　untranslatable　words；　'FLINT
HATCHETS；　KNIVES；　ARROWHEADS；　AND　BONE　ORNAMENTS　OF　PRIMEVAL　MAN。'
Some　of　these　seemed　to　be　rude　weapons　chipped　out　of　flint；　and　in　a
secret　place　was　found　some　more　in　process　of　construction；　with　this
untranslatable　legend；　on　a　thin；　flimsy　material；　lying　by：

　　　　　〃'Jones；　if　you　don't　want　to　be　discharged　from　the　Musseum；　make
　　　　　the　next　primeaveal　weppons　more　carefulyou　couldn't　even　fool　one
　　　　　of　these　sleepy　old　syentific　grannys　from　the　Coledge　with　the　last
　　　　　ones。　　And　mind　you　the　animles　you　carved　on　some　of　the　Bone
　　　　　Ornaments　is　a　blame　sight　too　good　for　any　primeaveal　man　that　was
　　　　　ever　fooled。Varnum；　Manager。'

〃Back　of　the　burial　place　was　a　mass　of　ashes；　showing　that　Man　always
had　a　feast　at　a　funeralelse　why　the　ashes　in　such　a　place；　and
showing；　also；　that　he　believed　in　God　and　the　immortality　of　the　soil
else　why　these　solemn　ceremonies？

〃To；　sum　up。　　We　believe　that　Man　had　a　written　language。　　We　know　that
he　indeed　existed　at　one　time；　and　is　not　a　myth；　also；　that　he　was　the
companion　of　the　cave…bear；　the　mastodon；　and　other　extinct　species；　that
he　cooked　and　ate　them　and　likewise　the　young　of　his　own　kind；　also；　that
he　bore　rude　weapons；　and　knew　something　of　art；　that　he　imagined　he　had
a　soul；