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I　went　away。　　But　I　was　exasperated　now。　　I　said　I　would　haunt　them；
I　would　infest　every　department　of　this　iniquitous　government　till　that
contract　business　was　settled。　　I　would　collect　that　bill；　or　fall；　as
fell　my　predecessors；　trying。　　I　assailed　the　Postmaster…General；
I　besieged　the　Agricultural　Department；　I　waylaid　the　Speaker　of　the
House　of　Representatives。　　They　had　nothing　to　do　with　army　contracts　for
beef。　　I　moved　upon　the　Commissioner　of　the　Patent　Office。

I　said；　〃Your　August　Excellency；　on　or　about〃

〃Perdition！　have　you　got　here　with　your　incendiary　beef　contract；　at
last？　　We　have　nothing　to　do　with　beef　contracts　for　the　army；　my　dear
sir。〃

〃Oh；　that　is　all　very　wellbut　somebody　has　got　to　pay　for　that　beef。
It　has　got　to　be　paid　now；　too；　or　I'll　confiscate　this　old　Patent　Office
and　everything　in　it。〃

〃But；　my　dear　sir〃

〃It　don't　make　any　difference；　sir。　　The　Patent　Office　is　liable　for　that
beef；　I　reckon；　and；　liable　or　not　liable；　the　Patent　Office　has　got　to
pay　for　it。〃

Never　mind　the　details。　　It　ended　in　a　fight。　　The　Patent　Office　won。
But　I　found　out　something　to　my　advantage。　　I　was　told　that　the　Treasury
Department　was　the　proper　place　for　me　to　go　to。　　I　went　there。　　I　waited
two　hours　and　a　half；　and　then　I　was　admitted　to　the　First　Lord　of　the
Treasury。

I　said；　〃Most　noble；　grave；　and　reverend　Signor；　on　or　about　the　10th　day
of　October；　1861；　John　Wilson　Macken〃

〃That　is　sufficient；　sir。　　I　have　heard　of　you。　　Go　to　the　First　Auditor
of　the　Treasury。〃

I　did　so。　　He　sent　me　to　the　Second　Auditor。　　The　Second　Auditor　sent　me
to　the　Third；　and　the　Third　sent　me　to　the　First　Comptroller　of　the　Corn…
Beef　Division。　　This　began　to　look　like　business。　　He　examined　his　books
and　all　his　loose　papers；　but　found　no　minute　of　the　beef　contract。　　I
went　to　the　Second　Comptroller　of　the　Corn…Beef　Division。　　He　examined
his　books　and　his　loose　papers；　but　with　no　success。　　I　was　encouraged。
During　that　week　I　got　as　far　as　the　Sixth　Comptroller　in　that　division；
the　next　week　I　got　through　the　Claims　Department；　the　third　week　I　began
and　completed　the　Mislaid　Contracts　Department；　and　got　a　foothold　in　the
Dead　Reckoning　Department。　　I　finished　that　in　three　days。　　There　was
only　one　place　left　for　it　now。　　I　laid　siege　to　the　Commissioner　of　Odds
and　Ends。　　To　his　clerk；　ratherhe　was　not　there　himself。　　There　were
sixteen　beautiful　young　ladies　in　the　room；　writing　in　books；　and　there
were　seven　well…favored　young　clerks　showing　them　how。　　The　young　women
smiled　up　over　their　shoulders；　and　the　clerks　smiled　back　at　them；　and
all　went　merry　as　a　marriage　bell。　　Two　or　three　clerks　that　were　reading
the　newspapers　looked　at　me　rather　hard；　but　went　on　reading；　and　nobody
said　anything。　　However；　I　had　been　used　to　this　kind　of　alacrity　from
Fourth　Assistant　Junior　Clerks　all　through　my　eventful　career；　from　the
very　day　I　entered　the　first　office　of　the　Corn…Beef　Bureau　clear　till　I
passed　out　of　the　last　one　in　the　Dead　Reckoning　Division。　　I　had　got　so
accomplished　by　this　time　that　I　could　stand　on　one　foot　from　the　moment
I　entered　an　office　till　a　clerk　spoke　to　me；　without　changing　more　than
two；　or　maybe　three；　times。

So　I　stood　there　till　I　had　changed　four　different　times。　　Then　I　said　to
one　of　the　clerks　who　was　reading：

〃Illustrious　Vagrant；　where　is　the　Grand　Turk？〃

〃What　do　you　mean；　sir？　whom　do　you　mean？　　If　you　mean　the　Chief　of　the
Bureau；　he　is　out。〃

〃Will　he　visit　the　harem　to…day？〃

The　young　man　glared　upon　me　awhile；　and　then　went　on　reading　his　paper。
But　I　knew　the　ways　of　those　clerks。　　I　knew　I　was　safe　if　he　got　through
before　another　New　York　mail　arrived。　　He　only　had　two　more　papers　left。
After　a　while　he　finished　them；　and　then　he　yawned　and　asked　me　what　I
wanted。

〃Renowned　and　honored　Imbecile：　on　or　about〃

〃You　are　the　beef…contract　man。　　Give　me　your　papers。〃

He　took　them；　and　for　a　long　time　he　ransacked　his　odds　and　ends。
Finally　he　found　the　Northwest　Passage；　as　I　regarded　ithe　found　the
long　lost　record　of　that　beef　contracthe　found　the　rock　upon　which　so
many　of　my　ancestors　had　split　before　they　ever　got　to　it。　　I　was　deeply
moved。　　And　yet　I　rejoicedfor　I　had　survived。　　I　said　with　emotion；
〃Give　it　me。　　The　government　will　settle　now。〃　　He　waved　me　back；　and
said　there　was　something　yet　to　be　done　first。

〃Where　is　this　John　Wilson　Mackenzie？〃　　said　he。

〃Dead。〃

〃When　did　he　die？〃

〃He　didn't　die　at　allhe　was　killed。〃

〃How？〃

〃Tomahawked。〃

〃Who　tomahawked　him？〃

〃Why；　an　Indian；　of　course。　　You　didn't　suppose　it　was　the　superintendent
of　a　Sunday…school；　did　you？〃

〃No。　　An　Indian；　was　it？〃

〃The　same。〃

〃Name　of　the　Indian？〃

〃His　name？　　I　don't　know　his　name。〃

〃Must　have　his　name。　　Who　saw　the　tomahawking　done？〃

〃I　don't　know。〃

〃You　were　not　present　yourself；　then？〃

〃Which　you　can　see　by　my　hair。　　I　was　absent。

〃Then　how　do　you　know　that　Mackenzie　is　dead？〃

〃Because　he　certainly　died　at　that　time；　and　have　every　reason　to　believe
that　he　has　been　dead　ever　since。　　I　know　he　has；　in　fact。〃

〃We　must　have　proofs。　　Have　you　got　this　Indian？〃

〃Of　course　not。〃

〃Well；　you　must　get　him。　　Have　you　got　the　tomahawk？〃

〃I　never　thought　of　such　a　thing。〃

〃You　must　get　the　tomahawk。　　You　must　produce　the　Indian　and　the
tomahawk。　　If　Mackenzie's　death　can　be　proven　by　these；　you　can　then　go
before　the　commission　appointed　to　audit　claims　with　some　show　of　getting
your　bill　under　such　headway　that　your　children　may　possibly　live　to
receive　the　money　and　enjoy　it。　　But　that　man's　death　must　be　proven。
However；　I　may　as　well　tell　you　that　the　government　will　never　pay　that
transportation　and　those　traveling　expenses　of　the　lamented　Mackenzie。
It　may　possibly　pay　for　the　barrel　of　beef　that　Sherman's　soldiers
captured；　if　you　can　get　a　relief　bill　through　Congress　making　an
appropriation　for　that　purpose；　but　it　will　not　pay　for　the　twenty…nine
barrels　the　Indians　ate。〃

〃Then　there　is　only　a　hundred　dollars　due　me；　and　that　isn't　certain！
After　all　Mackenzie's　travels　in　Europe；　Asia；　and　America　with　that
beef；　after　all　his　trials　and　tribulations　and　transportation；　after　the
slaughter　of　all　those　innocents　that　tried　to　collect　that　bill！　　Young
man；　why　didn't　the　First　Comptroller　of　the　Corn…Beef　Division　tell　me
this？〃

〃He　didn't　know　anything　about　the　genuineness　of　your　claim。〃

〃Why　didn't　the　Second　tell　me？　why　didn't　the；　Third？　why　didn't　all
those　divisions　and　departments　tell　me？〃

〃None　of　them　knew。　　We　do　things　by　routine　here。　　You　have　followed　the
routine　and　found　out　what　you　wanted　to　know。　　It　is　the　best　way。
It　is　the　only　way。　　It　is　very　regular；　and　very　slow；　but　it　is　very
certain。〃

〃Yes；　certain　death。　　It　has　been；　to　the　most　of　our　tribe。　　I　begin　to
feel　that　I；　too；　am　called。

Young　man；　you　love　the　bright　creature　yonder　with　the　gentle　blue　eyes
and　the　steel　pens　behind　her　earsI　see　it　in　your　soft　glances；　you
wish　to　marry　herbut　you　are　poor。　　Here；　hold　out　your　handhere　is
the　beef　contract；　go；　take　her　and　be　happy　Heaven　bless　you；　my
children！〃

This　is　all　I　know　about　the　great　beef　contract　that　has　created　so　much
talk　in　the　community。　　The　clerk　to　whom　I　bequeathed　it　died。　　I　know
nothing　further　about　the　contract；　or　any　one　connected　with　it。　　I　only
know　that　if　a　man　lives　long　enough　he　can　trace　a　thing　through　the
Circumlocution　Office　of　Washington　and　find　out；　after　much　labor　and
trouble　and　delay；　that　which　he　could　have　found　out　on　the　first　day　if
the　business　of　the　Circumlocution　Office　were　as　ingeniously
systematized　as　it　would　be　if　it　were　a　great　private　mercantile
institution。






THE　CASE　OF　GEORGE　FISHER

＇Some　years　ago；　about　1867；　when　this　was　first　published；　few　people
believed　it；　but　considered　it　a　mere　extravaganza。　　In　these　latter　days
it　seems　hard　to　realize　that　there　was　ever　a　time　when　the　robbing　of
our　government　was　a　novelty。　　The　very　man　who　showed　me　where　to　find
the　documents　for　this　case　was　at　that　very　time　spending　hundreds　of
thousands　of　dollars　in　Washington　for　a　mail　steamship　concern；　in　the
effort　to　procure　a　subsidy　for　the　company…a　fact　which　was　a　long　time
in　coming　to　the　surface；　but　leaked　out　at　last　and　underwent
Congressional　investigation。＇

This　is　history。　　It　is　not　a　wild　extravaganza；　like　〃John　Wilson
Mackenzie's　Great　Beef　Contract；〃　but　is　a　plain　statement　of　facts　and
circumstances　with　which　the　Congress　of　the　United　States　has　interested
itself　from　time　to　time　during　the　long　period　of　half　a　century。

I　will　not　call　this　matter　of　George　Fisher's　a　great　deathless　and
unrelenting　swindle　upon　the　government　and　people　of　the　United　States…
for　it　has　never　been　so　decided；　and　I　hold　that　it　is　a　grave　and
solemn　wrong　for　a　writer　to　cast　slurs　or　call　names　when　such　is　the
casebut　will　simply　present　the　evidence　and　let　the　reader　deduce　his
own　verdict。　　Then　we　shall　do　nobody　injustice；　and　our　consciences
shall　be　clear。

On　or　about　the　1st　day　of　September；　1813；　the