sketches new and old-第14节

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her　husband；　of　course。　　Ergo；　in　marrying　Jones；　she　was　guilty　of
bigamy；　because　she　was　the　wife　of　another　man　at　the　time；　which　is　all
very　well　as　far　as　it　goesbut　then；　don't　you　see；　she　had　no　other
husband　when　she　married　Jones；　and　consequently　she　was　not　guilty　of
bigamy。　　Now；　according　to　this　view　of　the　case；　Jones　married　a
spinster；　who　was　a　widow　at　the　same　time　and　another　man's　wife　at　the
same　time；　and　yet　who　had　no　husband　and　never　had　one；　and　never　had
any　intention　of　getting　married；　and　therefore；　of　course；　never　had
been　married；　and　by　the　same　reasoning　you　are　a　bachelor；　because　you
have　never　been　any　one's　husband；　and　a　married　man；　because　you　have　a
wife　living；　and　to　all　intents　and　purposes　a　widower；　because　you　have
been　deprived　of　that　wife；　and　a　consummate　ass　for　going　off　to　Benicia
in　the　first　place；　while　things　were　so　mixed。　　And　by　this　time　I　have
got　myself　so　tangled　up　in　the　intricacies　of　this　extraordinary　case
that　I　shall　have　to　give　up　any　further　attempt　to　advise　youI　might
get　confused　and　fail　to　make　myself　understood。　　I　think　I　could　take　up
the　argument　where　I　left　off；　and　by　following　it　closely　awhile；
perhaps　I　could　prove　to　your　satisfaction；　either　that　you　never　existed
at　all；　or　that　you　are　dead　now；　and　consequently　don't　need　the
faithless　EdwithaI　think　I　could　do　that；　if　it　would　afford　you　any
comfort。


〃ARTHUR　AUGUSTUS。〃No；　you　are　wrong；　that　is　the　proper　way　to　throw　a
brickbat　or　a　tomahawk；　but　it　doesn't　answer　so　well　for　a　bouquet；　you
will　hurt　somebody　if　you　keep　it　up。　　Turn　your　nosegay　upside　down；
take　it　by　the　stems；　and　toss　it　with　an　upward　sweep。　　Did　you　ever
pitch　quoits？　that　is　the　idea。　　The　practice　of　recklessly　heaving
immense　solid　bouquets；　of　the　general　size　and　weight　of　prize　cabbages；
from　the　dizzy　altitude　of　the　galleries；　is　dangerous　and　very
reprehensible。　　Now；　night　before　last；　at　the　Academy　of　Music；　just
after　Signorina　had　finished　that　exquisite　melody；　〃The　Last　Rose　of
Summer；〃　one　of　these　floral　pile…drivers　came　cleaving　down　through　the
atmosphere　of　applause；　and　if　she　hadn't　deployed　suddenly　to　the　right；
it　would　have　driven　her　into　the　floor　like　a　shinglenail。　　Of　course
that　bouquet　was　well　meant；　but　how　would　you　like　to　have　been　the
target？　　A　sincere　compliment　is　always　grateful　to　a　lady；　so　long　as
you　don't　try　to　knock　her　down　with　it。


〃YOUNG　MOTHER。〃And　so　you　think　a　baby　is　a　thing　of　beauty　and　a　joy
forever？　　Well；　the　idea　is　pleasing；　but　not　original；　every　cow　thinks
the　same　of　its　own　calf。　Perhaps　the　cow　may　not　think　it　so　elegantly；
but　still　she　thinks　it　nevertheless。　　I　honor　the　cow　for　it。　　We　all
honor　this　touching　maternal　instinct　wherever　we　find　it；　be　it　in　the
home　of　luxury　or　in　the　humble　cove…shed。　　But　really；　madam；　when　I
come　to　examine　the　matter　in　all　its　bearings；　I　find　that　the
correctness　of　your　assertion　does　not　assert　itself　in　all　cases。
A　soiled　baby；　with　a　neglected　nose；　cannot　be　conscientiously　regarded
as　a　thing　of　beauty；　and　inasmuch　as　babyhood　spans　but　three　short
years；　no　baby　is　competent　to　be　a　joy　〃forever。〃　　It　pains　me　thus　to
demolish　two…thirds　of　your　pretty　sentiment　in　a　single　sentence；　but
the　position　I　hold　in　this　chair　requires　that　I　shall　not　permit　you　to
deceive　and　mislead　the　public　with　your　plausible　figures　of　speech。
I　know　a　female　baby；　aged　eighteen　months；　in　this　city；　which　cannot
hold　out　as　a　〃joy〃　twenty…four　hours　on　a　stretch；　let　alone　〃forever。〃
And　it　possesses　some　of　the　most　remarkable　eccentricities　of　character
and　appetite　that　have　ever　fallen　under　my　notice。　　I　will　set　down　here
a　statement　of　this　infant's　operations　（conceived；　planned；　and　earned
out　by　itself；　and　without　suggestion　or　assistance　from　its　mother　or
any　one　else）；　during　a　single　day；　and　what　I　shall　say　can　be
substantiated　by　the　sworn　testimony　of　witnesses。

It　commenced　by　eating　one　dozen　large　blue…mass　pills；　box　and　all；　then
it　fell　down　a　flight　of　stairs；　and　arose　with　a　blue　and　purple　knot　on
its　forehead；　after　which　it　proceeded　in　quest　of　further　refreshment
and　amusement。　It　found　a　glass　trinket　ornamented　with　brass…work
smashed　up　and　ate　the　glass；　and　then　swallowed　the　brass。
Then　it　drank　about　twenty　drops　of　laudanum；　and　more　than　a　dozen
tablespoonfuls　of　strong　spirits　of　camphor。　　The　reason　why　it　took　no
more　laudanum　was　because　there　was　no　more　to　take。　　After　this　it　lay
down　on　its　back；　and　shoved　five　or　six；　inches　of　a　silver…headed
whalebone　cane　down　its　throat；　got　it　fast　there；　and　it　was　all　its
mother　could　do　to　pull　the　cane　out　again；　without　pulling　out　some　of
the　child　with　it。　　Then；　being　hungry　for　glass　again；　it　broke　up
several　wine　glasses；　and　fell　to　eating　and　swallowing　the　fragments；
not　minding　a　cut　or　two。　　Then　it　ate　a　quantity　of　butter；　pepper；
salt；　and　California　matches；　actually　taking　a　spoonful　of　butter；　a
spoonful　of　salt；　a　spoonful　of　pepper；　and　three　or　four　lucifer　matches
at　each　mouthful。　（I　will　remark　here　that　this　thing　of　beauty　likes
painted　German　lucifers；　and　eats　all　she　can　get　of　them；　but　she
prefers　California　matches；　which　I　regard　as　a　compliment　to　our　home
manufactures　of　more　than　ordinary　value；　coming；　as　it　does；　from　one
who　is　too　young　to　flatter。）　　Then　she　washed　her　head　with　soap　and
water；　and　afterward　ate　what　soap　was　left；　and　drank　as　much　of　the
suds　as　she　had　room　for；　after　which　she　sallied　forth　and　took　the　cow
familiarly　by　the　tail；　and　got　kicked　heels　over　head。　　At　odd　times
during　the　day；　when　this　joy　forever　happened　to　have　nothing　particular
on　hand；　she　put　in　the　time　by　climbing　up　on　places；　and　falling　down
off　them；　uniformly　damaging　her　self　in　the　operation。　　As　young　as　she
is；　she　speaks　many　words　tolerably　distinctly；　and　being　plain　spoken　in
other　respects；　blunt　and　to　the　point；　she　opens　conversation　with　all
strangers；　male　or　female；　with　the　same　formula；　〃How　do；　Jim？〃

Not　being　familiar　with　the　ways　of　children；　it　is　possible　that　I　have
been　magnifying　into　matter　of　surprise　things　which　may　not　strike　any
one　who　is　familiar　with　infancy　as　being　at　all　astonishing。　　However；　I
cannot　believe　that　such　is　the　case；　and　so　I　repeat　that　my　report　of
this　baby's　performances　is　strictly　true；　and　if　any　one　doubts　it；
I　can　produce　the　child。　　I　will　further　engage　that　she　will　devour
anything　that　is　given　her　（reserving　to　myself　only　the　right　to　exclude
anvils）；　and　fall　down　from　any　place　to　which　she　may　be　elevated
（merely　stipulating　that　her　preference　for　alighting　on　her　head　shall
be　respected；　and；　therefore；　that　the　elevation　chosen　shall　be　high
enough　to　enable　her　to　accomplish　this　to　her　satisfaction）。　　But　I　find
I　have　wandered　from　my　subject；　so；　without　further　argument；　I　will
reiterate　my　conviction　that　not　all　babies　are　things　of　beauty　and　joys
forever。


　　　　　〃ARITHMETICUS。〃　Virginia；　Nevada。〃I　am　an　enthusiastic　student　of
　　　　　mathematics；　and　it　is　so　vexatious　to　me　to　find　my　progress
　　　　　constantly　impeded　by　these　mysterious　arithmetical　technicalities。
　　　　　Now　do　tell　me　what　the　difference　is　between　geometry　and
　　　　　conchology？〃

Here　you　come　again　with　your　arithmetical　conundrums；　when　I　am
suffering　death　with　a　cold　in　the　head。　　If　you　could　have　seen　the
expression　of　scorn　that　darkened　my　countenance　a　moment　ago；　and　was
instantly　split　from　the　center　in　every　direction　like　a　fractured
looking…glass　by　my　last　sneeze；　you　never　would　have　written　that
disgraceful　question。　　Conchology　is　a　science　which　has　nothing　to　do
with　mathematics；　it　relates　only　to　shells。　　At　the　same　time；　however；
a　man　who　opens　oysters　for　a　hotel；　or　shells　a　fortified　town；　or　sucks
eggs；　is　not；　strictly　speaking；　a　conchologist…a　fine　stroke　of　sarcasm
that；　but　it　will　be　lost　on　such　an　unintellectual　clam　as　you。　　Now
compare　conchology　and　geometry　together；　and　you　will　see　what　the
difference　is；　and　your　question　will　be　answered。　　But　don't　torture　me
with　any　more　arithmetical　horrors　until　you　know　I　am　rid　of　my　cold。　　I
feel　the　bitterest　animosity　toward　you　at　this　moment…bothering　me　in
this　way；　when　I　can　do　nothing　but　sneeze　and　rage　and　snort　pocket…
handkerchiefs　to　atoms。　　If　I　had　you　in　range　of　my　nose　now　I　would
blow　your　brains　out。






TO　RAISE　POULTRY

＇Being　a　letter　written　to　a　Poultry　Society　that　had　conferred　a
complimentary　membership　upon　the　author。　　Written　about　1870。＇

Seriously；　from　early　youth　I　have　taken　an　especial　interest　in　the
subject　of　poultry…raising；　and　so　this　membership　touches　a　ready
sympathy　in　my　breast。　　Even　as　a　schoolboy；　poultry…raising　was　a　study
with　me；　and　I　may　say　without　egotism　that　as　early　as　the　age　of
seventeen　I　was　acquainted　with　all　the　best　and　speediest　methods　of
raising　chickens；　from　raising　them　off　a　roost　by　burning　lucifer
matches　under　their　noses；　down　to　lifting　them　off　a　fence　on　a　frosty
night　by　insinuating　the　end