sketches new and old-第12节

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curiosities　were　made　by　the　Indians；　and　that　they　were　plenty　about　the
Falls；　and　that　they　were　friendly；　and　it　would　not　be　dangerous　to
speak　to　them。　　And　sure　enough；　as　I　approached　the　bridge　leading　over
to　Luna　Island；　I　came　upon　a　noble　Son　of　the　Forest　sitting　under　a
tree；　diligently　at　work　on　a　bead　reticule。　　He　wore　a　slouch　hat　and
brogans；　and　had　a　short　black　pipe　in　his　mouth。　　Thus　does　the　baneful
contact　with　our　effeminate　civilization　dilute　the　picturesque　pomp
which　is　so　natural　to　the　Indian　when　far　removed　from　us　in　his　native
haunts。　　I　addressed　the　relic　as　follows：

〃Is　the　Wawhoo…Wang…Wang　of　the　Whack…a…Whack　happy？　　Does　the　great
Speckled　Thunder　sigh　for　the　war…path；　or　is　his　heart　contented　with
dreaming　of　the　dusky　maiden；　the　Pride　of　the　Forest？　　Does　the　mighty
Sachem　yearn　to　drink　the　blood　of　his　enemies；　or　is　he　satisfied　to
make　bead　reticules　for　the　pappooses　of　the　paleface？　　Speak；　sublime
relic　of　bygone　grandeurvenerable　ruin；　speak！〃

The　relic　said：

〃An'　is　it　mesilf；　Dennis　Hooligan；　that　ye'd　be　takon'　for　a　dirty
Injin；　ye　drawlin'；　lantern…jawed；　spider…legged　divil！　　By　the　piper
that　played　before　Moses；　I'll　ate　ye！〃

I　went　away　from　there。

By　and　by；　in　the　neighborhood　of　the　Terrapin　Tower；　I　came　upon　a
gentle　daughter　of　the　aborigines　in　fringed　and　beaded　buckskin
moccasins　and　leggins；　seated　on　a　bench　with　her　pretty　wares　about　her。
She　had　just　carved　out　a　wooden　chief　that　had　a　strong　family
resemblance　to　a　clothes…pin；　and　was　now　boring　a　hole　through　his
abdomen　to　put　his　bow　through。　　I　hesitated　a　moment；　and　then　addressed
her：

〃Is　the　heart　of　the　forest　maiden　heavy？　　Is　the　Laughing　Tadpole
lonely？　　Does　she　mourn　over　the　extinguished　council…fires　of　her　race；
and　the　vanished　glory　of　her　ancestors？　　Or　does　her　sad　spirit　wander
afar　toward　the　hunting…grounds　whither　her　brave　Gobbler…of…the…
Lightnings　is　gone？　　Why　is　my　daughter　silent？　　Has　she　ought　against
the　paleface　stranger？〃

The　maiden　said：

〃Faix；　an'　is　it　Biddy　Malone　ye　dare　to　be　callin'　names？　　Lave　this；　or
I'll　shy　your　lean　carcass　over　the　cataract；　ye　sniveling　blaggard！〃

I　adjourned　from　there　also。

〃Confound　these　Indians！〃　I　said。　　〃They　told　me　they　were　tame；　but；　if
appearances　go　for　anything；　I　should　say　they　were　all　on　the　warpath。〃

I　made　one　more　attempt　to　fraternize　with　them；　and　only　one。　　I　came
upon　a　camp　of　them　gathered　in　the　shade　of　a　great　tree；　making　wampum
and　moccasins；　and　addressed　them　in　the　language　of　friendship：

〃Noble　Red　Men；　Braves；　Grand　Sachems；　War　Chiefs；　Squaws；　and　High　Muck…
a…Mucks；　the　paleface　from　the　land　of　the　setting　sun　greets　you！　You；
Beneficent　Polecatyou；　Devourer　of　Mountainsyou；　Roaring　Thundergust
you；　Bully　Boy　with　a　Glass　eyethe　paleface　from　beyond　the　great
waters　greets　you　all！　War　and　pestilence　have　thinned　your　ranks　and
destroyed　your　once　proud　nation。　　Poker　and　seven…up；　and　a　vain　modern
expense　for　soap；　unknown　to　your　glorious　ancestors；　have　depleted　your
purses。　　Appropriating；　in　your　simplicity；　the　property　of　others　has
gotten　you　into　trouble。　　Misrepresenting　facts；　in　your　simple
innocence；　has　damaged　your　reputation　with　the　soulless　usurper。
Trading　for　forty…rod　whisky；　to　enable　you　to　get　drunk　and　happy　and
tomahawk　your　families；　has　played　the　everlasting　mischief　with　the
picturesque　pomp　of　your　dress；　and　here　you　are；　in　the　broad　light　of
the　nineteenth　century；　gotten　up　like　the　ragtag　and　bobtail　of　the
purlieus　of　New　York。　　For　shame！　　Remember　your　ancestors！　　Recall　their
mighty　deeds！　　Remember　Uncas！and　Red　jacket！　and　Hole　in　the　Day！
and　Whoopdedoodledo！　　Emulate　their　achievements！　　Unfurl　yourselves
under　my　banner；　noble　savages；　illustrious　guttersnipes〃

〃Down　wid　him！〃　　〃Scoop　the　blaggard！〃　　〃Burn　him！〃　　〃Bang　him！〃
〃Dhround　him！〃

It　was　the　quickest　operation　that　ever　was。　　I　simply　saw　a　sudden　flash
in　the　air　of　clubs；　brickbats；　fists；　bead…baskets；　and　moccasinsa
single　flash；　and　they　all　appeared　to　hit　me　at　once；　and　no　two　of　them
in　the　same　place。　　In　the　next　instant　the　entire　tribe　was　upon　me。
They　tore　half　the　clothes　off　me；　they　broke　my　arms　and　legs；　they　gave
me　a　thump　that　dented　the　top　of　my　head　till　it　would　hold　coffee　like
a　saucer；　and；　to　crown　their　disgraceful　proceedings　and　add　insult　to
injury；　they　threw　me　over　the　Niagara　Falls；　and　I　got　wet。

About　ninety　or　a　hundred　feet　from　the　top；　the　remains　of　my　vest
caught　on　a　projecting　rock；　and　I　was　almost　drowned　before　I　could　get
loose。　　I　finally　fell；　and　brought　up　in　a　world　of　white　foam　at　the
foot　of　the　Fall；　whose　celled　and　bubbly　masses　towered　up　several
inches　above　my　head。　　Of　course　I　got　into　the　eddy。　　I　sailed　round　and
round　in　it　forty…four　timeschasing　a　chip　and　gaining　on　iteach
round　trip　a　half…milereaching　for　the　same　bush　on　the　bank　forty…four
times；　and　just　exactly　missing　it　by　a　hair's…breadth　every　time。

At　last　a　man　walked　down　and　sat　down　close　to　that　bush；　and　put　a　pipe
in　his　mouth；　and　lit　a　match；　and　followed　me　with　one　eye　and　kept　the
other　on　the　match；　while　he　sheltered　it　in　his　hands　from　the　wind。
Presently　a　puff　of　wind　blew　it　out。　　The　next　time　I　swept　around　he
said：

〃Got　a　match？〃

〃Yes；　in　my　other　vest。　　Help　me　out；　please。〃

〃Not　for　Joe。〃

When　I　came　round　again；　I　said：

〃Excuse　the　seemingly　impertinent　curiosity　of　a　drowning　man；　but　will
you　explain　this　singular　conduct　of　yours？〃

〃With　pleasure。　　I　am　the　coroner。　　Don't　hurry　on　my　account。　　I　can
wait　for　you。　　But　I　wish　I　had　a　match。〃

I　said：　〃Take　my　place；　and　I'll　go　and　get　you　one。〃

He　declined。　　This　lack　of　confidence　on　his　part　created　a　coldness
between　us；　and　from　that　time　forward　I　avoided　him。　　It　was　my　idea；
in　case　anything　happened　to　me；　to　so　time　the　occurrence　as　to　throw　my
custom　into　the　hands　of　the　opposition　coroner　on　the　American　side。

At　last　a　policeman　came　along；　and　arrested　me　for　disturbing　the　peace
by　yelling　at　people　on　shore　for　help。　　The　judge　fined　me；　but　had　the
advantage　of　him。　　My　money　was　with　my　pantaloons；　and　my　pantaloons
were　with　the　Indians。

Thus　I　escaped。　　I　am　now　lying　in　a　very　critical　condition。　　At　least　I
am　lying　anyway…critical　or　not　critical。　　I　am　hurt　all　over；　but　I
cannot　tell　the　full　extent　yet；　because　the　doctor　is　not　done　taking
inventory。　　He　will　make　out　my　manifest　this　evening。　　However；　thus　far
he　thinks　only　sixteen　of　my　wounds　are　fatal。　　I　don't　mind　the　others。

Upon　regaining　my　right　mind；　I　said：

〃It　is　an　awful　savage　tribe　of　Indians　that　do　the　beadwork　and
moccasins　for　Niagara　Falls；　doctor。　　Where　are　they　from？〃

〃Limerick；　my　son。〃






ANSWERS　TO　CORRESPONDENTS　＇Written　about　1865。＇

〃MORAL　STATISTICIAN。〃I　don't　want　any　of　your　statistics；　I　took　your
whole　batch　and　lit　my　pipe　with　it。　　I　hate　your　kind　of　people。　　You
are　always　ciphering　out　how　much　a　man's　health　is　injured；　and　how　much
his　intellect　is　impaired；　and　how　many　pitiful　dollars　and　cents　he
wastes　in　the　course　of　ninety…two　years'　indulgence　in　the　fatal
practice　of　smoking；　and　in　the　equally　fatal　practice　of　drinking
coffee；　and　in　playing　billiards　occasionally；　and　in　taking　a　glass　of
wine　at　dinner；　etc。；　etc。；　etc。　　And　you　are　always　figuring　out　how
many　women　have　been　burned　to　death　because　of　the　dangerous　fashion　of
wearing　expansive　hoops；　etc。；　etc。；　etc。　　You　never　see　more　than　one
side　of　the　question。　　You　are　blind　to　the　fact　that　most　old　men　in
America　smoke　and　drink　coffee；　although；　according　to　your　theory；　they
ought　to　have　died　young；　and　that　hearty　old　Englishmen　drink　wine　and
survive　it；　and　portly　old　Dutchmen　both　drink　and　smoke　freely；　and　yet
grow　older　and　fatter　all　the　time。　　And　you　never　by　to　find　out　how
much　solid　comfort；　relaxation；　and　enjoyment　a　man　derives　from　smoking
in　the　course　of　a　lifetime　（which　is　worth　ten　times　the　money　he　would
save　by　letting　it　alone）；　nor　the　appalling　aggregate　of　happiness　lost
in　a　lifetime　your　kind　of　people　from　not　smoking。　　Of　course　you　can
save　money　by　denying　yourself　all　the　little　vicious　enjoyments　for
fifty　years；　but　then　what　can　you　do　with　it？　　What　use　can　you　put　it
to？　　Money　can't　save　your　infinitesimal　soul。　　All　the　use　that　money
can　be　put　to　is　to　purchase　comfort　and　enjoyment　in　this　life；
therefore；　as　you　are　an　enemy　to　comfort　and　enjoyment；　where　is　the　use
of　accumulating　cash？　　It　won't　do　for　you　say　that　you　can　use　it　to
better　purpose　in　furnishing　a　good　table；　and　in　charities；　and　in
supporting　tract　societies；　because　you　know　yourself　that　you　people　who
have　no　petty　vices　are　never　known　to　give　away　a　cent；　and　that　you
stint　yourselves　so　in　the　matter　of　food　that　you　are　always　feeble　and
hungry。　　And　you　never　dare　to　laugh　in　the　daytime　for　fear　some　poor
wretch；　seeing　you　in　a　good　humor；　will　try　to　borrow　a　dollar　of　you；
and　in　church　you　are　always　down　on　your　knees；　with　your　eyes　buried　in
the　c