the story of a pioneer-第15节

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My　class　at　the　theological　school　was　composed

of　forty…two　young　men　and　my　unworthy　self；　and

before　I　had　been　a　member　of　it　an　hour　I　realized

that　women　theologians　paid　heavily　for　the　privilege

of　being　women。　　The　young　men　of　my　class　who

were　licensed　preachers　were　given　free　accommo…

dations　in　the　dormitory；　and　their　board；　at　a　club

formed　for　their　assistance；　cost　each　of　them　only

one　dollar　and　twenty…five　cents　a　week。　　For　me

no　such　kindly　provision　was　made。　　I　was　not

allowed　a　place　in　the　dormitory；　but　instead　was

given　two　dollars　a　week　to　pay　the　rent　of　a　room

outside。　　Neither　was　I　admitted　to　the　economical

comforts　of　the　club；　but　fed　myself　according　to

my　income；　a　plan　which　worked　admirably　when

there　was　an　income；　but　left　an　obvious　void　when

there　was　not。



With　characteristic　optimism；　however；　I　hired　a

little　attic　room　on　Tremont　Street　and　established

myself　therein。　　In　lieu　of　a　window　the　room

offered　a　pale　skylight　to　the　February　storms；　and

there　was　neither　heat　in　it　nor　running　water；

but　its　possession　gave　me　a　pleasant　sense　of

proprietorship；　and　the　whole　experience　seemed　a

high　adventure。　　I　at　once　sought　opportunities　to

preach　and　lecture；　but　these　were　even　rarer　than

firelight　and　food。　　In　Albion　I　had　been　practically

the　only　licensed　preacher　available　for　substitute

and　special　work。　　In　Boston　University's　three

theological　classes　there　were　a　hundred　men；　each

snatching　eagerly　at　the　slightest　possibility　of

employment；　and　when；　despite　this　competition；

I　received　and　responded　to　an　invitation　to　preach；

I　never　knew　whether　I　was　to　be　paid　for　my　services

in　cash　or　in　compliments。　　If；　by　a　happy　chance；

the　compensation　came　in　cash；　the　amount　was

rarely　more　than　five　dollars；　and　never　more　than

ten。　　There　was　no　help　in　sight　from　my　family；

whose　early　opposition　to　my　career　as　a　minister

had　hotly　flamed　forth　again　when　I　started　East。　

I　lived；　therefore；　on　milk　and　crackers；　and　for

weeks　at　a　time　my　hunger　was　never　wholly　satis…

fied。　　In　my　home　in　the　wilderness　I　had　often

heard　the　wolves　prowling　around　our　door　at　night。　

Now；　in　Boston；　I　heard　them　even　at　high　noon。



There　is　a　special　and　almost　indescribable　de…

pression　attending　such　conditions。　　No　one　who

has　not　experienced　the　combination　of　continued

cold；　hunger；　and　loneliness　in　a　great；　strange；

indifferent　city　can　realize　how　it　undermines　the

victim's　nerves　and　even　tears　at　the　moral　fiber。　

The　self…humiliation　I　experienced　was　also　intense。　

I　had　worked　my　way　in　the　Northwest；　why　could

I　not　work　my　way　in　Boston？　　Was　there；　per…

haps；　some　lack　in　me　and　in　my　courage？　　Again

and　again　these　questions　rose　in　my　mind　and

poisoned　my　self…confidence。　　The　one　comfort　I

had　in　those　black　days　was　the　knowledge　that　no

one　suspected　the　depth　of　the　abyss　in　which　I

dwelt。　　We　were　all　struggling；　to　the　indifferent

glanceand　all　glances　were　indifferentmy　struggle

was　no　worse　than　that　of　my　classmates　whose

rooms　and　frugal　meals　were　given　them。



After　a　few　months　of　this　existence　I　was　almost

ready　to　believe　that　the　Lord's　work　for　me　lay

outside　of　the　ministry；　and　while　this　fear　was

gripping　me　a　serious　crisis　came　in　my　financial

affairs。　　The　day　dawned　when　I　had　not　a　cent；

nor　any　prospect　of　earning　one。　　My　stock　of

provisions　consisted　of　a　box　of　biscuit；　and　my

courage　was　flowing　from　me　like　blood　from　an

opened　vein。　　Then　came　one　of　the　quick　turns

of　the　wheel　of　chance　which　make　for　optimism。　

Late　in　the　afternoon　I　was　asked　to　do　a　week　of

revival　work　with　a　minister　in　a　local　church；　and

when　I　accepted　his　invitation　I　mentally　resolved

to　let　that　week　decide　my　fate。　　My　shoes　had

burst　open　at　the　sides；　for　lack　of　car…fare　I　had

to　walk　to　and　from　the　scene　of　my　meetings；　though

I　had　barely　strength　for　the　effort。　　If　my　week

of　work　brought　me　enough　to　buy　a　pair　of　cheap

shoes　and　feed　me　for　a　few　days　I　would；　I　decided；

continue　my　theological　course。　　If　it　did　not；　I

would　give　up　the　fight。



Never　have　I　worked　harder　or　better　than　during

those　seven　days；　when　I　put　into　the　effort　not

only　my　heart　and　soul；　but　the　last　flame　of　my

dying　vitality；　We　had　a　rousing　revivalone　of

the　good　old…time　affairs　when　the　mourners'　benches

were　constantly　filled　and　the　air　resounded　with

alleluias。　　The　excitement　and　our　success；　mildly

aided　by　the　box　of　biscuit；　sustained　me　through　the

week；　and　not　until　the　last　night　did　I　realize　how

much　of　me　had　gone　into　this　final　desperate　charge

of　mine。　　Then；　the　service　over　and　the　people

departed；　I　sank；　weak　and　trembling；　into　a　chair；

trying　to　pull　myself　together　before　hearing　my

fate　in　the　good…night　words　of　the　minister　I　had

assisted。　　When　he　came　to　me　and　began　to　com…

pliment　me　on　the　work　I　had　done；　I　could　not

rise。　　I　sat　still　and　listened　with　downcast　eyes；

afraid　to　lift　them　lest　he　read　in　them　something

of　my　need　and　panic　in　this　moment　when　my　whole

future　seemed　at　stake。



At　first　his　words　rolled　around　the　empty　church

as　if　they　were　trying　to　get　away　from　me；　but

at　last　I　began　to　catch　them。　　I　was；　it　seemed；

a　most　desirable　helper。　　It　had　been　a　privilege

and　a　pleasure　to　be　associated　with　me。　　Beyond

doubt；　I　would　go　far　in　my　career。　　He　heartily

wished　that　he　could　reward　me　adequately。　　I

deserved　fifty　dollars。



My　tired　heart　fluttered　at　this。　　Probably　my

empty　stomach　fluttered；　too；　but　in　the　next

moment　something　seemed　to　catch　my　throat　and

stop　my　breath。　　For　it　appeared　that；　notwith…

standing　the　enthusiasm　and　the　spiritual　uplift

of　the　week；　the　collections　had　been　very　disap…

pointing　and　the　expenses　unusually　heavy。　　He

could　not　give　me　fifty　dollars。　　He　could　not　give

me　anything　at　all。　　He　thanked　me　warmly　and

wished　me　good　night。



I　managed　to　answer　him　and　to　get　to　my　feet；

but　that　journey　down　the　aisle　from　my　chair　to

the　church　door　was　the　longest　journey　I　have　ever

made。　　During　it　I　felt　not　only　the　heart…sick

disappointment　of　the　moment；　but　the　cumulative

unhappiness　of　the　years　to　come。　　I　was　friend…

less；　penniless；　and　starving；　but　it　was　not　of　these

conditions　that　I　thought　then。　　The　one　over…

whelming　fact　was　that　I　had　been　weighed　and

found　wanting。　　I　was　not　worthy。



I　stumbled　along；　passing　blindly　a　woman　who

stood　on　the　street　near　the　church　entrance。　　She

stopped　me；　timidly；　and　held　out　her　hand。　　Then

suddenly　she　put　her　arms　around　me　and　wept。　

She　was　an　old　lady；　and　I　did　not　know　her；　but　it

seemed　fitting　that　she　should　cry　just　then；　as　it

would　have　seemed　fitting　to　me　if　at　that　black

moment　all　the　people　on　the　earth　had　broken　into

sudden　wailing。



‘‘Oh；　Miss　Shaw；''　she　said；　‘‘I'm　the　happiest

woman　in　the　world；　and　I　owe　my　happiness　to

you。　　To…night　you　have　converted　my　grandson。　

He's　all　I　have　left；　but　he　has　been　a　wild　boy；

and　I've　prayed　over　him　for　years。　　Hereafter　he

is　going　to　lead　a　different　life。　　He　has　just　given

me　his　promise　on　his　knees。''



Her　hand　fumbled　in　her　purse。



‘‘I　am　a　poor　woman；''　she　went　on；　‘‘but　I　have

enough；　and　I　want　to　make　you　a　little　present。　

I　know　how　hard　life　is　for　you　young　students。''



She　pressed　a　bill　into　my　fingers。　　‘‘It's　very

little；''　she　said；　humbly；　‘‘it　is　only　five　dollars。''



I　laughed；　and　in　that　exultant　moment　I　seemed

to　hear　life　laughing　with　me。　　With　the　passing

of　the　bill　from　her　hand　to　mine　existence　had

become　a　new　experience；　wonderful　and　beautiful。



‘‘It's　the　biggest　gift　I　have　ever　had；''　I　told　her。　

‘‘This　little　bill　is　big　enough　to　carry　my　future

on　its　back！''



I　had　a　good　meal　that　night；　and　I　bought　the

shoes　the　next　morning。　　Infinitely　more　sustaining

than　the　food；　however；　was　the　conviction　that

the　Lord　was　with　me　and　had　given　me　a　sign　of

His　approval。　　The　experience　was　the　turning…

point　of　my　theological　career。　　When　the　money

was　gone　I　succeeded　in　obtaining　more　work　from

time　to　timeand　though　the　grind　was　still　cruelly

hard；　I　never　again　lost　hope。　　The　theological　school

was　on　Bromfield　Street；　and　we　students　climbed

three　flights　of　stairs　to　reach　our　class…rooms。　

Through　lack　of　proper　food　I　had　become　too

weak　to　ascend　these　stairs　without　sitting　down

once　or　twice　to　rest；　and　within　a　month　after　my

experience　with　the　appreciative　grandmother　I

was　discovered　during　one　of　these　resting　periods

by　Mrs。　Barrett；　the　superintendent　of　the　Woman's

Foreign　Missionary　Society；　which　had　offices　in

our　building。　　She　stopped；　looked　me　over；　and

then　invited　me　into　her　room；　where　she　asked

me