lay morals-第25节
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r a subtle argument may do the speaker permanent service in after life。 Such a club might end； perhaps； by rivalling the 'Union' at Cambridge or the 'Union' at Oxford。
COLLEGE PAPERS CHAPTER IV … THE PHILOSOPHY OF UMBRELLAS （1）
IT is wonderful to think what a turn has been given to our whole Society by the fact that we live under the sign of Aquarius … that our climate is essentially wet。 A mere arbitrary distinction； like the walking…swords of yore； might have remained the symbol of foresight and respectability； had not the raw mists and dropping showers of our island pointed the inclination of Society to another exponent of those virtues。 A ribbon of the Legion of Honour or a string of medals may prove a person's courage； a title may prove his birth； a professorial chair his study and acquirement； but it is the habitual carriage of the umbrella that is the stamp of Respectability。 The umbrella has become the acknowledged index of social position。
Robinson Crusoe presents us with a touching instance of the hankering after them inherent in the civilised and educated mind。 To the superficial； the hot suns of Juan Fernandez may sufficiently account for his quaint choice of a luxury； but surely one who had borne the hard labour of a seaman under the tropics for all these years could have supported an excursion after goats or a peaceful CONSTITUTIONAL arm in arm with the nude Friday。 No； it was not this： the memory of a vanished respectability called for some outward manifestation； and the result was … an umbrella。 A pious castaway might have rigged up a belfry and solaced his Sunday mornings with the mimicry of church…bells； but Crusoe was rather a moralist than a pietist； and his leaf…umbrella is as fine an example of the civilised mind striving to express itself under adverse circumstances as we have ever met with。
It is not for nothing； either； that the umbrella has become the very foremost badge of modern civilisation … the Urim and Thummim of respectability。 Its pregnant symbolism has taken its rise in the most natural manner。 Consider； for a moment； when umbrellas were first introduced into this country； what manner of men would use them； and what class would adhere to the useless but ornamental cane。 The first； without doubt； would be the hypochondriacal； out of solicitude for their health； or the frugal； out of care for their raiment； the second； it is equally plain； would include the fop； the fool； and the Bobadil。 Any one acquainted with the growth of Society； and knowing out of what small seeds of cause are produced great revolutions； and wholly new conditions of intercourse； sees from this simple thought how the carriage of an umbrella came to indicate frugality； judicious regard for bodily welfare； and scorn for mere outward adornment； and； in one word； all those homely and solid virtues implied in the term RESPECTABILITY。 Not that the umbrella's costliness has nothing to do with its great influence。 Its possession； besides symbolising （as we have already indicated） the change from wild Esau to plain Jacob dwelling in tents； implies a certain comfortable provision of fortune。 It is not every one that can expose twenty…six shillings' worth of property to so many chances of loss and theft。 So strongly do we feel on this point； indeed； that we are almost inclined to consider all who possess really well…conditioned umbrellas as worthy of the Franchise。 They have a qualification standing in their lobbies； they carry a sufficient stake in the common…weal below their arm。 One who bears with him an umbrella … such a complicated structure of whalebone； of silk； and of cane； that it becomes a very microcosm of modern industry … is necessarily a man of peace。 A half…crown cane may be applied to an offender's head on a very moderate provocation； but a six…and…twenty shilling silk is a possession too precious to be adventured in the shock of war。
These are but a few glances at how umbrellas （in the general） came to their present high estate。 But the true Umbrella… Philosopher meets with far stranger applications as he goes about the streets。
Umbrellas； like faces； acquire a certain sympathy with the individual who carries them： indeed； they are far more capable of betraying his trust； for whereas a face is given to us so far ready made； and all our power over it is in frowning； and laughing； and grimacing； during the first three or four decades of life； each umbrella is selected from a whole shopful； as being most consonant to the purchaser's disposition。 An undoubted power of diagnosis rests with the practised Umbrella…Philosopher。 O you who lisp； and amble； and change the fashion of your countenances … you who conceal all these； how little do you think that you left a proof of your weakness in our umbrella…stand … that even now； as you shake out the folds to meet the thickening snow； we read in its ivory handle the outward and visible sign of your snobbery； or from the exposed gingham of its cover detect； through coat and waistcoat； the hidden hypocrisy of the 'DICKEY'！ But alas！ even the umbrella is no certain criterion。 The falsity and the folly of the human race have degraded that graceful symbol to the ends of dishonesty； and while some umbrellas； from carelessness in selection； are not strikingly characteristic （for it is only in what a man loves that he displays his real nature）； others； from certain prudential motives； are chosen directly opposite to the person's disposition。 A mendacious umbrella is a sign of great moral degradation。 Hypocrisy naturally shelters itself below a silk； while the fast youth goes to visit his religious friends armed with the decent and reputable gingham。 May it not be said of the bearers of these inappropriate umbrellas that they go about the streets 'with a lie in their right hand'？
The kings of Siam； as we read； besides having a graduated social scale of umbrellas （which was a good thing）； prevented the great bulk of their subjects from having any at all； which was certainly a bad thing。 We should be sorry to believe that this Eastern legislator was a fool … the idea of an aristocracy of umbrellas is too philosophic to have originated in a nobody … and we have accordingly taken exceeding pains to find out the reason of this harsh restriction。 We think we have succeeded； but； while admiring the principle at which he aimed； and while cordially recognising in the Siamese potentate the only man before ourselves who had taken a real grasp of the umbrella； we must be allowed to point out how unphilosophically the great man acted in this particular。 His object； plainly； was to prevent any unworthy persons from bearing the sacred symbol of domestic virtues。 We cannot excuse his limiting these virtues to the circle of his court。 We must only remember that such was the feeling of the age in which he lived。 Liberalism had not yet raised the war…cry of the working classes。 But here was his mistake： it was a needless regulation。 Except in a very few cases of hypocrisy joined to a powerful intellect； men； not by nature UMBRELLARIANS； have tried again and again to become so by art； and yet have failed … have expended their patrimony in the purchase of umbrella after umbrella； and yet have systematically lost them； and have finally； with contrite spirits and shrunken purses； given up their vain struggle； and relied on theft and borrowing for the remainder of their lives。 This is the most remarkable fact that we have had occasion to notice； and yet we challenge the candid reader to call it in question。 Now； as there cannot be any MORAL SELECTION in a mere dead piece of furniture … as the umbrella cannot be supposed to have an affinity for individual men equal and reciprocal to that which men certainly feel toward individual umbrellas … we took the trouble of consulting a scientific friend as to whether there was any possible physical explanation of the phenomenon。 He was unable to supply a plausible theory； or even hypothesis； but we extract from his letter the following interesting passage relative to the physical peculiarities of umbrellas： 'Not the least important； and by far the most curious property of the umbrella； is the energy which it displays in affecting the atmospheric strata。 There is no fact in meteorology better established … indeed； it is almost the only one on which meteorologists are agreed … than that the carriage of an umbrella produces desiccation of the air； while if it be left at home； aqueous vapour is largely produced； and is soon deposited in the form of rain。 No theory；' my friend continues； 'competent to explain this hygrometric law has been given （as far as I am aware） by Herschel； Dove； Glaisher； Tait； Buchan； or any other writer； nor do I pretend to supply the defect。 I venture； however； to throw out the conjecture that it will be ultimately found to belong to the same class of natural laws as that agreeable to which a slice of toast always descends with the buttered surface downwards。'
But it is time to draw to a close。 We could expatiate much longer upon this topic；
