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r  a subtle argument may do the speaker permanent service in  after life。  Such a club might end; perhaps; by rivalling the  'Union' at Cambridge or the 'Union' at Oxford。



COLLEGE PAPERS CHAPTER IV … THE PHILOSOPHY OF UMBRELLAS (1)



IT is wonderful to think what a turn has been given to our  whole Society by the fact that we live under the sign of  Aquarius … that our climate is essentially wet。  A mere  arbitrary distinction; like the walking…swords of yore; might  have remained the symbol of foresight and respectability; had  not the raw mists and dropping showers of our island pointed  the inclination of Society to another exponent of those  virtues。  A ribbon of the Legion of Honour or a string of  medals may prove a person's courage; a title may prove his  birth; a professorial chair his study and acquirement; but it  is the habitual carriage of the umbrella that is the stamp of  Respectability。  The umbrella has become the acknowledged  index of social position。

Robinson Crusoe presents us with a touching instance of the  hankering after them inherent in the civilised and educated  mind。  To the superficial; the hot suns of Juan Fernandez may  sufficiently account for his quaint choice of a luxury; but  surely one who had borne the hard labour of a seaman under  the tropics for all these years could have supported an  excursion after goats or a peaceful CONSTITUTIONAL arm in arm  with the nude Friday。  No; it was not this: the memory of a  vanished respectability called for some outward  manifestation; and the result was … an umbrella。  A pious  castaway might have rigged up a belfry and solaced his Sunday  mornings with the mimicry of church…bells; but Crusoe was  rather a moralist than a pietist; and his leaf…umbrella is as  fine an example of the civilised mind striving to express  itself under adverse circumstances as we have ever met with。

It is not for nothing; either; that the umbrella has become  the very foremost badge of modern civilisation … the Urim and  Thummim of respectability。  Its pregnant symbolism has taken  its rise in the most natural manner。  Consider; for a moment;  when umbrellas were first introduced into this country; what  manner of men would use them; and what class would adhere to  the useless but ornamental cane。  The first; without doubt;  would be the hypochondriacal; out of solicitude for their  health; or the frugal; out of care for their raiment; the  second; it is equally plain; would include the fop; the fool;  and the Bobadil。  Any one acquainted with the growth of  Society; and knowing out of what small seeds of cause are  produced great revolutions; and wholly new conditions of  intercourse; sees from this simple thought how the carriage  of an umbrella came to indicate frugality; judicious regard  for bodily welfare; and scorn for mere outward adornment;  and; in one word; all those homely and solid virtues implied  in the term RESPECTABILITY。  Not that the umbrella's  costliness has nothing to do with its great influence。  Its  possession; besides symbolising (as we have already  indicated) the change from wild Esau to plain Jacob dwelling  in tents; implies a certain comfortable provision of fortune。   It is not every one that can expose twenty…six shillings'  worth of property to so many chances of loss and theft。  So  strongly do we feel on this point; indeed; that we are almost  inclined to consider all who possess really well…conditioned  umbrellas as worthy of the Franchise。  They have a  qualification standing in their lobbies; they carry a  sufficient stake in the common…weal below their arm。  One who  bears with him an umbrella … such a complicated structure of  whalebone; of silk; and of cane; that it becomes a very  microcosm of modern industry … is necessarily a man of peace。   A half…crown cane may be applied to an offender's head on a  very moderate provocation; but a six…and…twenty shilling silk  is a possession too precious to be adventured in the shock of  war。

These are but a few glances at how umbrellas (in the general)  came to their present high estate。  But the true Umbrella… Philosopher meets with far stranger applications as he goes  about the streets。

Umbrellas; like faces; acquire a certain sympathy with the  individual who carries them: indeed; they are far more  capable of betraying his trust; for whereas a face is given  to us so far ready made; and all our power over it is in  frowning; and laughing; and grimacing; during the first three  or four decades of life; each umbrella is selected from a  whole shopful; as being most consonant to the purchaser's  disposition。  An undoubted power of diagnosis rests with the  practised Umbrella…Philosopher。  O you who lisp; and amble;  and change the fashion of your countenances … you who conceal  all these; how little do you think that you left a proof of  your weakness in our umbrella…stand … that even now; as you  shake out the folds to meet the thickening snow; we read in  its ivory handle the outward and visible sign of your  snobbery; or from the exposed gingham of its cover detect;  through coat and waistcoat; the hidden hypocrisy of the  'DICKEY'!  But alas! even the umbrella is no certain  criterion。  The falsity and the folly of the human race have  degraded that graceful symbol to the ends of dishonesty; and  while some umbrellas; from carelessness in selection; are not  strikingly characteristic (for it is only in what a man loves  that he displays his real nature); others; from certain  prudential motives; are chosen directly opposite to the  person's disposition。  A mendacious umbrella is a sign of  great moral degradation。  Hypocrisy naturally shelters itself  below a silk; while the fast youth goes to visit his  religious friends armed with the decent and reputable  gingham。  May it not be said of the bearers of these  inappropriate umbrellas that they go about the streets 'with  a lie in their right hand'?

The kings of Siam; as we read; besides having a graduated  social scale of umbrellas (which was a good thing); prevented  the great bulk of their subjects from having any at all;  which was certainly a bad thing。  We should be sorry to  believe that this Eastern legislator was a fool … the idea of  an aristocracy of umbrellas is too philosophic to have  originated in a nobody … and we have accordingly taken  exceeding pains to find out the reason of this harsh  restriction。  We think we have succeeded; but; while admiring  the principle at which he aimed; and while cordially  recognising in the Siamese potentate the only man before  ourselves who had taken a real grasp of the umbrella; we must  be allowed to point out how unphilosophically the great man  acted in this particular。  His object; plainly; was to  prevent any unworthy persons from bearing the sacred symbol  of domestic virtues。  We cannot excuse his limiting these  virtues to the circle of his court。  We must only remember  that such was the feeling of the age in which he lived。   Liberalism had not yet raised the war…cry of the working  classes。  But here was his mistake: it was a needless  regulation。  Except in a very few cases of hypocrisy joined  to a powerful intellect; men; not by nature UMBRELLARIANS;  have tried again and again to become so by art; and yet have  failed … have expended their patrimony in the purchase of  umbrella after umbrella; and yet have systematically lost  them; and have finally; with contrite spirits and shrunken  purses; given up their vain struggle; and relied on theft and  borrowing for the remainder of their lives。  This is the most  remarkable fact that we have had occasion to notice; and yet  we challenge the candid reader to call it in question。  Now;  as there cannot be any MORAL SELECTION in a mere dead piece  of furniture … as the umbrella cannot be supposed to have an  affinity for individual men equal and reciprocal to that  which men certainly feel toward individual umbrellas … we  took the trouble of consulting a scientific friend as to  whether there was any possible physical explanation of the  phenomenon。  He was unable to supply a plausible theory; or  even hypothesis; but we extract from his letter the following  interesting passage relative to the physical peculiarities of  umbrellas: 'Not the least important; and by far the most  curious property of the umbrella; is the energy which it  displays in affecting the atmospheric strata。  There is no  fact in meteorology better established … indeed; it is almost  the only one on which meteorologists are agreed … than that  the carriage of an umbrella produces desiccation of the air;  while if it be left at home; aqueous vapour is largely  produced; and is soon deposited in the form of rain。  No  theory;' my friend continues; 'competent to explain this  hygrometric law has been given (as far as I am aware) by  Herschel; Dove; Glaisher; Tait; Buchan; or any other writer;  nor do I pretend to supply the defect。  I venture; however;  to throw out the conjecture that it will be ultimately found  to belong to the same class of natural laws as that agreeable  to which a slice of toast always descends with the buttered  surface downwards。'

But it is time to draw to a close。  We could expatiate much  longer upon this topic; 

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