elizabeth and her german garden-第8节
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library in the chilly evenings。 The babies go out in the afternoon and blackberry in the hedges； the three kittens； grown big and fat； sit cleaning themselves on the sunny verandah steps； the Man of Wrath shoots partridges across the distant stubble； and the summer seems as though it would dream on for ever。 It is hard to believe that in three months we shall probably be snowed up and certainly be cold。 There is a feeling about this month that reminds me of March and the early days of April； when spring is still hesitating on the threshold and the garden holds its breath in expectation。 There is the same mildness in the air； and the sky and grass have the same look as then； but the leaves tell a different tale； and the reddening creeper on the house is rapidly approaching its last and loveliest glory。
My roses have behaved as well on the whole as was to be expected； and the Viscountess Folkestones and Laurette Messimys have been most beautiful； the latter being quite the loveliest things in the garden； each flower an exquisite loose cluster of coral…pink petals； paling at the base to a yellow…white。 I have ordered a hundred standard tea…roses for planting next month； half of which are Viscountess Folkestones； because the tea…roses have such a way of hanging their little heads that one has to kneel down to be able to see them well in the dwarf forms not but what I entirely approve of kneeling before such perfect beauty； only it dirties one's clothes。 So I am going to put standards down each side of the walk under the south windows； and shall have the flowers on a convenient level for worship。 My only fear is； that they will stand the winter less well than the dwarf sorts； being so difficult to pack up snugly。 The Persian Yellows and Bicolors have been； as I predicted； a mistake among the tea…roses； they only flower twice in the season and all the rest of the time look dull and moping； and then the Persian Yellows have such an odd smell and so many insects inside them eating them up。 I have ordered Safrano tea…roses to put in their place； as they all come out next month and are to be grouped in the grass； and the semicircle being immediately under the windows； besides having the best position in the place； must be reserved solely for my choicest treasures。 I have had a great many disappointments； but feel as though I were really beginning to learn。 Humility； and the most patient perseverance； seem almost as necessary in gardening as rain and sunshine； and every failure must be used as a stepping…stone to something better。
I had a visitor last week who knows a great deal about gardening and has had much practical experience。 When I heard he was coming； I felt I wanted to put my arms right round my garden and hide it from him； but what was my surprise and delight when he said； after having gone all over it； 〃Well； I think you have done wonders。〃 Dear me； how pleased I was！ It was so entirely unexpected； and such a complete novelty after the remarks I have been listening to all the summer。 I could have hugged that discerning and indulgent critic； able to look beyond the result to the intention； and appreciating the difficulties of every kind that had been in the way。 After that I opened my heart to him； and listened reverently to all he had to say； and treasured up his kind and encouraging advice； and wished he could stay here a whole year and help me through the seasons。 But he went； as people one likes always do go； and he was the only guest I have had whose departure made me sorry。
The people I love are always somewhere else and not able to come to me； while I can at any time fill the house with visitors about whom I know little and care less。 Perhaps； if I saw more of those absent ones； I would not love them so well at least； that is what I think on wet days when the wind is howling round the house and all nature is overcome with grief； and it has actually happened once or twice when great friends have been staying with me that I have wished； when they left； I might not see them again for at least ten years。 I suppose the fact is； that no friendship can stand the breakfast test； and here； in the country； we invariably think it our duty to appear at breakfast。 Civilisation has done away with curl…papers； yet at that hour the soul of the Hausfrau is as tightly screwed up in them as was ever her grandmother's hair； and though my body comes down mechanically； having been trained that way by punctual parents； my soul never thinks of beginning to wake up for other people till lunch…time； and never does so completely till it has been taken out of doors and aired in the sunshine。 Who can begin conventional amiability the first thing in the morning？ It is the hour of savage instincts and natural tendencies； it is the triumph of the Disagreeable and the Cross。 I am convinced that the Muses and the Graces never thought of having breakfast anywhere but in bed。
November 11th。When the gray November weather came； and hung its soft dark clouds low and unbroken over the brown of the ploughed fields and the vivid emerald of the stretches of winter corn； the heavy stillness weighed my heart down to a forlorn yearning after the pleasant things of childhood； the petting； the comforting； the warming faith in the unfailing wisdom of elders。 A great need of something to lean on； and a great weariness of independence and responsibility took possession of my soul； and looking round for support and comfort in that transitory mood； the emptiness of the present and the blankness of the future sent me back to the past with all its ghosts。 Why should I not go and see the place where I was born； and where I lived so long； the place where I was so magnificently happy； so exquisitely wretched； so close to heaven； so near to hell； always either up on a cloud of glory； or down in the depths with the waters of despair closing over my head？ Cousins live in it now； distant cousins； loved with the exact measure of love usually bestowed on cousins who reign in one's stead； cousins of practical views； who have dug up the flower…beds and planted cabbages where roses grew； and though through all the years since my father's death I have held my head so high that it hurt； and loftily refused to listen to their repeated suggestions that I should revisit my old home； something in the sad listlessness of the November days sent my spirit back to old times with a persistency that would not be set aside； and I woke from my musings surprised to find myself sick with longing。 It is foolish but natural to quarrel with one's cousins； and especially foolish and natural when they have done nothing； and are mere victims of chance。 Is it their fault that my not being a boy placed the shoes I should otherwise have stepped into at their disposal？ I know it is not； but their blamelessness does not make me love them more。 〃Noch ein dummes Frauenzimmer！〃 cried my father； on my arrival into the world he had three of them already； and I was his last hope；and a dummes Frauenzimmer I have remained ever since； and that is why for years I would have no dealings with the cousins in possession； and that is why； the other day； overcome by the tender influence of the weather； the purely sentimental longing to join hands again with my childhood was enough to send all my pride to the winds； and to start me off without warning and without invitation on my pilgrimage。
I have always had a liking for pilgrimages； and if I had lived in the Middle Ages would have spent most of my time on the way to Rome。 The pilgrims； leaving all their cares at home； the anxieties of their riches or their debts； the wife that worried and the children that disturbed； took only their sins with them； and turning their backs on their obligations； set out with that sole burden； and perhaps a cheerful heart。 How cheerful my heart would have been； starting on a fine morning； with the smell of the spring in my nostrils； fortified by the approval of those left behind； accompanied by the pious blessings of my family； with every step getting farther from the suffocation of daily duties； out into the wide fresh world； out into the glorious free world； so poor； so penitent； and so happy！ My dream； even now； is to walk for weeks with some friend that I love； leisurely wandering from place to place； with no route arranged and no object in view； with liberty to go on all day or to linger all day； as we choose； but the question of luggage； unknown to the simple pilgrim； is one of the rocks on which my plans have been shipwrecked； and the other is the certain censure of relatives； who； not fond of walking themselves； and having no taste for noonday naps under hedges； would be sure to paralyse my plans before they had grown to maturity by the honest horror of their cry； 〃How very unpleasant if you were to meet any one you know！〃 The relative of five hundred years back would simply have said； 〃How holy！〃
My father had the same liking for pilgrimagesindeed； it is evident that I have it from himand he encouraged it in me when I was little； taking me with him on his pious journeys to places he had lived in as a boy。 Often have we been together to the school he was at in Brandenburg； and spent pleasant days wandering about
