elizabeth and her german garden-第12节

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ntly　the　cousins　knew　the　value　of　this　warm　aspect；　for　in　the　border　beneath；　filled　in　my　father's　time　in　this　month　of　November　with　the　wallflowers　that　were　to　perfume　the　walk　in　spring；　there　was　a　thick　crop　ofI　stooped　down　close　to　make　sureyes；　a　thick　crop　of　radishes。　　My　eyes　filled　with　tears　at　the　sight　of　those　radishes；　and　it　is　probably　the　only　occasion　on　record　on　which　radishes　have　made　anybody　cry。　My　dear　father；　whom　I　so　passionately　loved；　had　in　his　turn　passionately　loved　this　particular　border；　and　spent　the　spare　moments　of　a　busy　life　enjoying　the　flowers　that　grew　in　it。　He　had　no　time　himself　for　a　more　near　acquaintance　with　the　delights　of　gardening　than　directing　what　plants　were　to　be　used；　but　found　rest　from　his　daily　work　strolling　up　and　down　here；　or　sitting　smoking　as　close　to　the　flowers　as　possible。　〃It　is　the　Purest　of　Humane　pleasures；　it　is　the　Greatest　Refreshment　to　the　Spirits　of　Man；〃　he　would　quote　（for　he　read　other　things　besides　the　Kreuzzeitung）；　looking　round　with　satisfaction　on　reaching　this　fragrant　haven　after　a　hot　day　in　the　fields。　　Well；　the　cousins　did　not　think　so。　Less　fanciful；　and　more　sensible　as　they　probably　would　have　said；　their　position　plainly　was　that　you　cannot　eat　flowers。　Their　spirits　required　no　refreshment；　but　their　bodies　needed　much；　and　therefore　radishes　were　more　precious　than　wallflowers。　Nor　was　my　youth　wholly　destitute　of　radishes；　but　they　were　grown　in　the　decent　obscurity　of　odd　kitchen　garden　corners　and　old　cucumber　frames；　and　would　never　have　been　allowed　to　come　among　the　flowers。　　And　only　because　I　was　not　a　boy　here　they　were　profaning　the　ground　that　used　to　be　so　beautiful。　Oh；　it　was　a　terrible　misfortune　not　to　have　been　a　boy！　And　how　sad　and　lonely　it　was；　after　all；　in　this　ghostly　garden。　The　radish　bed　and　what　it　symbolised　had　turned　my　first　joy　into　grief。　　This　walk　and　border　me　too　much　of　my　father　reminded；　and　of　all　he　had　been　to　me。　　What　I　knew　of　good　he　had　taught　me；　and　what　I　had　of　happiness　was　through　him。　　Only　once　during　all　the　years　we　lived　together　had　we　been　of　different　opinions　and　fallen　out；　and　it　was　the　one　time　I　ever　saw　him　severe。　I　was　four　years　old；　and　demanded　one　Sunday　to　be　taken　to　church。　　My　father　said　no；　for　I　had　never　been　to　church；　and　the　German　service　is　long　and　exhausting。　　I　implored。　He　again　said　no。　　I　implored　again；　and　showed　such　a　pious　disposition；　and　so　earnest　a　determination　to　behave　well；　that　he　gave　in；　and　we　went　off　very　happily　hand　in　hand。　〃Now　mind；　Elizabeth；〃　he　said；　turning　to　me　at　the　church　door；　〃there　is　no　coming　out　again　in　the　middle。　　Having　insisted　on　being　brought；　thou　shalt　now　sit　patiently　till　the　end。〃　〃Oh；　yes；　oh；　yes；〃　I　promised　eagerly；　and　went　in　filled　with　holy　fire。　　The　shortness　of　my　legs；　hanging　helplessly　for　two　hours　midway　between　the　seat　and　the　floor；　was　the　weapon　chosen　by　Satan　for　my　destruction。　In　German　churches　you　do　not　kneel；　and　seldom　stand；　but　sit　nearly　the　whole　time；　praying　and　singing　in　great　comfort。　If　you　are　four　years　old；　however；　this　unchanged　position　soon　becomes　one　of　torture。　　Unknown　and　dreadful　things　go　on　in　your　legs；　strange　prickings　and　tinglings　and　dartings　up　and　down；　a　sudden　terrifying　numbness；　when　you　think　they　must　have　dropped　off　but　are　afraid　to　look；　then　renewed　and　fiercer　prickings；　shootings；　and　burnings。　I　thought　I　must　be　very　ill；　for　I　had　never　known　my　legs　like　that　before。　　My　father　sitting　beside　me　was　engrossed　in　the　singing　of　a　chorale　that　evidently　had　no　end；　each　verse　finished　with　a　long…drawn…out　hallelujah；　after　which　the　organ　played　by　itself　for　a　hundred　years　by　the　organist's　watch；　which　was　wrong；　two　minutes　exactly　and　then　another　verse　began。　　My　father；　being　the　patron　of　the　living；　was　careful　to　sing　and　pray　and　listen　to　the　sermon　with　exemplary　attention；　aware　that　every　eye　in　the　little　church　was　on　our　pew；　and　at　first　I　tried　to　imitate　him；　but　the　behaviour　of　my　legs　became　so　alarming　that　after　vainly　casting　imploring　glances　at　him　and　seeing　that　he　continued　his　singing　unmoved；　I　put　out　my　hand　and　pulled　his　sleeve。

〃Hal…le…lu…jah；〃　sang　my　father　with　deliberation；　continuing　in　a　low　voice　without　changing　the　expression　of　his　face；　his　lips　hardly　moving；　and　his　eyes　fixed　abstractedly　on　the　ceiling　till　the　organist；　who　was　also　the　postman；　should　have　finished　his　solo；　〃Did　I　not　tell　thee　to　sit　still；　Elizabeth？〃　　〃Yes；　but　〃　〃Then　do　it。〃　〃But　I　want　to　go　home。〃

〃Unsinn。〃　And　the　next　verse　beginning；　my　father　sang　louder　than　ever。　　What　could　I　do？　　Should　I　cry？　I　began　to　be　afraid　I　was　going　to　die　on　that　chair；so　extraordinary　were　the　sensations　in　my　legs。　　What　could　my　father　do　to　me　if　I　did　cry？　　With　the　quick　instinct　of　small　children　I　felt　that　he　could　not　put　me　in　the　corner　in　church；　nor　would　he　whip　me　in　public；　and　that　with　the　whole　village　looking　on；　he　was　helpless；　and　would　have　to　give　in。　Therefore　I　tugged　his　sleeve　again　and　more　peremptorily；　and　prepared　to　demand　my　immediate　removal　in　a　loud　voice。　But　my　father　was　ready　for　me。　　Without　interrupting　his　singing；　or　altering　his　devout　expression；　he　put　his　hand　slowly　down　and　gave　me　a　hard　pinchnot　a　playful　pinch；　but　a　good　hard　unmistakeable　pinch；　such　as　I　had　never　imagined　possible；　and　then　went　on　serenely　to　the　next　hallelujah。　For　a　moment　I　was　petrified　with　astonishment。　Was　this　my　indulgent　father；　my　playmate；　adorer；　and　friend？　Smarting　with　pain；　for　I　was　a　round　baby；　with　a　nicely　stretched；　tight　skin；　and　dreadfully　hurt　in　my　feelings；　I　opened　my　mouth　to　shriek　in　earnest；　when　my　father's　clear　whisper　fell　on　my　ear；　each　word　distinct　and　not　to　be　misunderstood；　his　eyes　as　before　gazing　meditatively　into　space；　and　his　lips　hardly　moving；　〃Elizabeth；　wenn　du　schreist；　kneife　ich　dich　bis　du　platzt。〃　And　he　finished　the　verse　with　unruffled　decorum

〃Will　Satan　mich　verschlingen；　So　lass　die　Engel　singen　　　　　　　　　　　　　Hallelujah！〃

We　never　had　another　difference。　　Up　to　then　he　had　been　my　willing　slave；　and　after　that　I　was　his。

With　a　smile　and　a　shiver　I　turned　from　the　border　and　its　memories　to　the　door　in　the　wall　leading　to　the　kitchen　garden；　in　a　corner　of　which　my　own　little　garden　used　to　be。　　The　door　was　open；　and　I　stood　still　a　moment　before　going　through；　to　hold　my　breath　and　listen。　The　silence　was　as　profound　as　before。　　The　place　seemed　deserted；　and　I　should　have　thought　the　house　empty　and　shut　up　but　for　the　carefully　tended　radishes　and　the　recent　footmarks　on　the　green　of　the　path。　They　were　the　footmarks　of　a　child。　　I　was　stooping　down　to　examine　a　specially　clear　one；　when　the　loud　caw　of　a　very　bored　looking　crow　sitting　on　the　wall　just　above　my　head　made　me　jump　as　I　have　seldom　in　my　life　jumped；　and　reminded　me　that　I　was　trespassing。　　Clearly　my　nerves　were　all　to　pieces；　for　I　gathered　up　my　skirts　and　fled　through　the　door　as　though　a　whole　army　of　ghosts　and　cousins　were　at　my　heels；　nor　did　I　stop　till　I　had　reached　the　remote　corner　where　my　garden　was。　〃Are　you　enjoying　yourself；　Elizabeth？〃　asked　the　mocking　sprite　that　calls　itself　my　soul：　　but　I　was　too　much　out　of　breath　to　answer。

This　was　really　a　very　safe　corner。　　It　was　separated　from　the　main　garden　and　the　house　by　the　wall；　and　shut　in　on　the　north　side　by　an　orchard；　and　it　was　to　the　last　degree　unlikely　that　any　one　would　come　there　on　such　an　afternoon。　This　plot　of　ground；　turned　now　as　I　saw　into　a　rockery；　had　been　the　scene　of　my　most　untiring　labours。　　Into　the　cold　earth　of　this　north　border　on　which　the　sun　never　shone　I　had　dug　my　brightest　hopes。　　All　my　pocket　money　had　been　spent　on　it；　and　as　bulbs　were　dear　and　my　weekly　allowance　small；　in　a　fatal　hour　I　had　borrowed　from　Fraulein　Wundermacher；　selling　her　my　independence；　passing　utterly　into　her　power；　forced　as　a　result　till　my　next　birthday　should　come　round　to　an　unnatural　suavity　of　speech　and　manner　in　her　company；　against　which　my　very　soul　revolted。　　And　after　all；　nothing　came　up。　　The　labour　of　digging　and　watering；　the　anxious　zeal　with　which　I　pounced　on　weeds；　the　poring　over　gardening　books；　the　plans　made　as　I　sat　on　the　little　seat　in　the　middle　gazing　admiringly　and　with　the　eye　of　faith　on　the　trim　surface　so　soon　to　be　gemmed　with　a　thousand　flowers；　the　reckless　expenditure　of　pfennings；　the　humiliation　of　my　position　in　regard　to　Fraulein　Wundermacher；all；　all　had　been　in　vain。　　No　sun　shone　there；　and　nothing　grew。　The　gardener　who　reigned　supreme　in　those　days　had　given　me　this　big　piece　for　that　sole　reason；　because　he　could　do　nothing　with　it　himself。　　He　was　no　doubt　of　opinion　that　it　was　quite　good　enough　for　a　child　to　experiment　upon；　and　went　his　way；　when　I　had　thanked　him　with　a　profuseness　of　gratitude　I　still　remember；　with　an　unmoved　countenance。　For　more　than　a　year　I　worked　and　waited；　and　watched　the　career　of　the　flourishing　orchard　opposite　with　puzzled　feelings。　The　orchard　was　only　a　few　yards　away；　and　yet；　although　my　garden　was　full　of　manure；　and　water；　and　attentions　that　were　n