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第48节

the dark flower-第48节

小说: the dark flower 字数: 每页4000字

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dark plane…tree leaves tap…tapped at the window in the autumn wind;
watching; with the uncanny certainty that; he would not pass the
limits of this night without having made at last a decision that
would not alter。  For even conflict wears itself out; even
indecision has this measure set to its miserable powers of torture;
that any issue in the end is better than the hell of indecision
itself。  Once or twice in those last days even death had seemed to
him quite tolerable; but now that his head was clear and he had
come to grips; death passed out of his mind like the shadow that it
was。  Nothing so simple; extravagant; and vain could serve him。
Other issues had reality; deathnone。  To leave Sylvia; and take
this young love away; there was reality in that; but it had always
faded as soon as it shaped itself; and now once more it faded。  To
put such a public and terrible affront on a tender wife whom he
loved; do her to death; as it were; before the world's eyesand
then; ever remorseful; grow old while the girl was still young?  He
could not。  If Sylvia had not loved him; yes; or; even if he had
not loved her; or if; again; though loving him she had stood upon
her rightsin any of those events he might have done it。  But to
leave her whom he did love; and who had said to him so generously:
〃I will not hamper yougo to her〃would be a black atrocity。
Every memory; from their boy…and…girl lovering to the desperate
clinging of her arms these last two nightsmemory with its
innumerable tentacles; the invincible strength of its countless
threads; bound him to her too fast。  What then?  Must it come;
after all; to giving up the girl?  And sitting there; by that warm
fire; he shivered。  How desolate; sacrilegious; wasteful to throw
love away; to turn from the most precious of all gifts; to drop and
break that vase!  There was not too much love in the world; nor too
much warmth and beautynot; anyway; for those whose sands were
running out; whose blood would soon be cold。

Could Sylvia not let him keep both her love and the girl's?  Could
she not bear that?  She had said she could; but her face; her eyes;
her voice gave her the lie; so that every time he heard her his
heart turned sick with pity。  This; then; was the real issue。
Could he accept from her such a sacrifice; exact a daily misery;
see her droop and fade beneath it?  Could he bear his own happiness
at such a cost?  Would it be happiness at all?  He got up from the
chair and crept towards her。  She looked very fragile sleeping
there!  The darkness below her closed eyelids showed cruelly on
that too fair skin; and in her flax…coloured hair he saw what he
had never noticeda few strands of white。  Her softly opened lips;
almost colourless; quivered with her uneven breathing; and now and
again a little feverish shiver passed up as from her heart。  All
soft and fragile!  Not much life; not much strength; youth and
beauty slipping!  To know that he who should be her champion
against age and time would day by day be placing one more mark upon
her face; one more sorrow in her heart!  That he should do this
they both going down the years together!

As he stood there holding his breath; bending to look at her; that
slurring swish of the plane…tree branch; flung against and against
the window by the autumn wind; seemed filling the whole world。
Then her lips moved in one of those little; soft hurrying whispers
that unhappy dreamers utter; the words all blurred with their
wistful rushing。

And he thought: I; who believe in bravery and kindness; I; who hate
crueltyif I do this cruel thing; what shall I have to live for;
how shall I work; how bear myself?  If I do it; I am lostan
outcast from my own faitha renegade from all that I believe in。

And; kneeling there close to that face so sad and lonely; that
heart so beaten even in its sleep; he knew that he could not do it
knew it with sudden certainty; and a curious sense of peace。
Over!the long struggleover at last!  Youth with youth; summer
to summer; falling leaf with falling leaf!  And behind him the fire
flickered; and the plane…tree leaves tap…tapped。

He rose; and crept away stealthily downstairs into the drawing…
room; and through the window at the far end out into the courtyard;
where he had sat that day by the hydrangea; listening to the piano…
organ。  Very dark and cold and eerie it was there; and he hurried
across to his studio。  There; too; it was cold; and dark; and
eerie; with its ghostly plaster presences; stale scent of
cigarettes; and just one glowing ember of the fire he had left when
he rushed out after Nellthose seven hours ago。

He went first to the bureau; turned up its lamp; and taking out
some sheets of paper; marked on them directions for his various
works; for the statuette of Nell; he noted that it should be taken
with his compliments to Mr。 Dromore。  He wrote a letter to his
banker directing money to be sent to Rome; and to his solicitor
telling him to let the house。  He wrote quickly。  If Sylvia woke;
and found him still away; what might she not think?  He took a last
sheet。  Did it matter what he wrote; what deliberate lie; if it
helped Nell over the first shock?


〃DEAR NELL;

〃I write this hastily in the early hours; to say that we are called
out to Italy to my only sister; who is very ill。  We leave by the
first morning boat; and may be away some time。  I will write again。
Don't fret; and God bless you。

〃M。 L。〃


He could not see very well as he wrote。  Poor; loving; desperate
child!  Well; she had youth and strength; and would soon have
Oliver!  And he took yet another sheet。


〃DEAR OLIVER;

〃My wife and I are obliged to go post…haste to Italy。  I watched
you both at the dance the other night。  Be very gentle with Nell;
andgood luck to you!  But don't say again that I told you to be
patient; it is hardly the way to make her love you。

〃M。 LENNAN。〃


That; then; was allyes; all!  He turned out the little lamp; and
groped towards the hearth。  But one thing left。  To say good…bye!
To her; and Youth; and Passion!to the only salve for the aching
that Spring and Beauty bringthe aching for the wild; the
passionate; the new; that never quite dies in a man's heart。  Ah!
well; sooner or later; all men had to say good…bye to that。  All
menall men!

He crouched down before the hearth。  There was no warmth in that
fast…blackening ember; but it still glowed like a dark…red flower。
And while it lived he crouched there; as though it were that to
which he was saying good…bye。  And on the door he heard the girl's
ghostly knocking。  And beside hima ghost among the ghostly
presencesshe stood。  Slowly the glow blackened; till the last
spark had faded out。

Then by the glimmer of the night he found his way back; softly as
he had come; to his bedroom。

Sylvia was still sleeping; and; to watch for her to wake; he sat
down again by the fire; in silence only stirred by the frail tap…
tapping of those autumn leaves; and the little catch in her
breathing now and then。  It was less troubled than when he had bent
over her before; as though in her sleep she knew。  He must not miss
the moment of her waking; must be beside her before she came to
full consciousness; to say: 〃There; there!  It's all over; we are
going away at onceat once。〃  To be ready to offer that quick
solace; before she had time to plunge back into her sorrow; was an
island in this black sea of night; a single little refuge point for
his bereaved and naked being。  Something to dosomething fixed;
real; certain。  And yet another long hour before her waking; he sat
forward in the chair; with that wistful eagerness; his eyes fixed
on her face; staring through it at some vision; some faint;
glimmering lightfar out there beyondas a traveller watches a
star。 。 。 。





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